Journal Entries for Rebecca 秋
rehash 1.0.1
November 13th, 2006 3:41 pm MST
FIRST let me rehash the ratings issue. The popularity contest continues, and I still find it odd, although it seems the system has changed a bit... perhaps I was not the only one who found it suspect? I never turned mine off, not to see if I could land in the top ten spot again, but rather to see what happens if I don't rate ANYONE (even some of the very nice and rather good looking ones out there!). Would my rating go down if it was rather well known I'm not rating anyone at all? It did... at first. But settled into it's normal groove, which tells me most people must be rating me a 9... with the occasional 10 and perhaps one or two screwballs rating me under a five (I may not be the best looking girl here, but I'm at least average compared to most GGs I think!).NEXT, onto 'transgender issues'. First the issue of who's what and what does any of it mean? Well, few if any here use correct clinical terms, so I've decided to keep the non-word 'transgendered' as my gender, and 'non-op' because it just seems like a perfectly silly thing to do. Being pansexual is fantastic... no one seems to know what this means so I shall endeavor to explain at least, why I chose it. Pan was a horny little goat deity, anyone who likes Bill Hicks knows what Pan is about! In Star Trek, Appollo told Spock he reminded him of Pan, and as I remind some people of Spock, it works on yet another level! Lastly there is the meaning of the word itself. As a compound construct pan+sexual=all possible gender 'choices' can be found attractive by me. To me it isn't about genitalia, it's about that ugly space just behind your face, and how it expresses who you are through your actions, words and deeds. LASTLY, goth, photography and other uncatagorized subjects. Goths may take note, I am the Princess of Hell, welcome me to your house and raise your glasses! That look was specifically for halloween. I took my sheep costume off! Photography? I've got some more in the works. The halloween pics were not self portraits, if you saw all of them you'd know that someone with an eye for photography was NOT behind the camera, even if you have no photographic sense about you! I will be re-doing my costume and taking a full set, some I will take myself, some I will get a semi-quasi-psudo ama-pro to take. Even with the outlandish getup, my MO of showing the subject at ease, even whilst posing will remain the same. I may attempt to throw in a backdrop shot or two to illustrate the difference between the cookie cutter pros and the semi-quasi-psudo ama pro take that has some real feel of both the photographer and subject! You can see it in most of jons pics, he should know I'm not referring to him! You can see it in most of my pics too, even though I rarely edit them as I should lol. I just wanted to rehash a few oldies, give you an 'updated' perspective and see if anyone actually reads these crazy things!
intra noctis...
April 19th, 2006 8:26 am MDT
In the night. This is When most sisters dress. Even in the full light of day, for many sisters, it is still night time. Remember I'm speaking or at least typing, in the broadest general sense here, I've met quite a few here that do not fit with what I'm about to say. They fit something else entirely. What I mean is that in many CD's there is a disparagy of personality, and lack of balance. While men, they act immensly differently than when en femme. It's not that unusual, crossdressing brings out everyone's anima to the fore. Most people have an anima, or feminine image, which is an over compensated picture of their normal selves, or of their own animus (primal male image), both males and females have it, but crossdressing brings it out to play. Although many CDs while men are probably quite different from one another, they seem to conjure up nearly identical anima, Soft, yeilding, femenine, often overly submissive and polite. Some go so far as to be actual 'sissies'. This is the result of keeping dressing in the darkness, hidden and obscure for the most part, or at least, to most people, including the self. The result for many is an almost seperate personality, a figure who has a life almost entirely of her own with little regard for the actual person dressing and their personality. I myself suffered from this effect when I first started to really dress, some seven years ago. I started to feign interest in things that, I felt, were feminine things. I found however, that things I found to be feminine, were really just things I didn't find terribly interesting, and so labeled them as feminine. My real point here is that you need to seek balance. Even if dressing for you is just a very part time hobby, perhaps ESPECIALLY if it is. The less you do go about dressing, the more likely it is that you'll develop this almost split personality. The 'hobby' may then be something that destroys your 'normal' life. You don't have to reveal youself to everyone, I know that a lot of people out there don't want to know, don't want to hear it, and do not want people like us to even exist. But, you do have to level with yourself. And, if you are involved with someone seriously, then you absolutely have to level with them too. The former is actually much harder than the latter. This is mainly for the new girls, and for the girls who may not be new, but keep repeating the same familiar pattern of purges. You can not get rid of what you are by getting rid of the clothes. You will always be what you are. The secret is finding out just exactly who the hell that really is, not by embracing the overcompensated anima as is, but rather really examining it, yourself, and your animus may you eventually achieve a balance. My point, trite as it sounds is to truly be yourself. The difference with me is that when I say it, I know that actually finding yourself is no easy task, and I offer you no easy 'be yourself kit'. Peace and long life.
Transgendered Categories
April 4th, 2006 2:29 pm MDT
This may come off as a complaint rather than a simple explanation, but so be it.Transgendered is an unbrella term, which isn't terribly much more specific than saying 'person'. Accoding to the index of psychological disorders, the good news, I suppose, is that most of the categories within and including transgendered itself, don't exist. The bad news is that some of the categories ARE considered disorders, and many of us don't use these terms in the way they were originally coined to describe. There is also the the matter of the tricky terms that are usually really bad pronoun joinings, such as the porno term 'shemale', a term which should probably carry as much weight as terms such as nigger, spick, kike, cracker, gook, chink, slant and slope. Then there are terms such as drag queen, drag king, female illusionist, female impersonator, these terms aren't bad like 'shemale' but don't really say much about who you are, but are far more like job descriptions. And, if you are your job, I feel sorry for you. In the big book there are only three real classifications: Gender Identity Disorder. The symptoms which are of course a strong identification with the opposite gender and usually a strong discomfort with ones own gender. This is the classic 'born the wrong sex' disorder. The best term for people with this, I think, is Trans-sexual, or even our umbrella term Trans-gendered, since the word 'gender' obviously doesn't carry with it any overtone that hints at ones sexuality, which is obviously seperate from gender. Transvestitic Fetishism. These are primarily heterosexual males who have sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors involving cross-dressing. Because it's a Fetish, the psychology means that this can only be applied when the fantasies, urges or behaviors of the fetish interfere with their normal daily lives and/or cause distress to the person with the fetish. The term 'transvestite' is often obviously misused by most people. Although linguistically, since transvestite, from the latin to cross (trans) clothing (vesti), can technically be used for crossdressing and visa versa, the psychological term doesn't match with popular linguistics, one should be careful when using this term. Cross-Dressing. This is what you are when there is no confusion about your gender, and you aren't dressing because it's arousing in a sexual manner. Psychologically there are both a lot of reasons and a lot of 'symptoms' that crossdressers exhibit. Ranging from the harmless to crossing over right into Transvestitic fetishism or even delusions that can actually result in being confused about ones own gender. None of these include sexual prefrences. Someone with Gender Identity Disorder may identify with a heterosexual female, or a homosexual female. They may identify with a heterosexual male or homosexual male. Most men with a transvestitic fetish, even a mild one that can't technically be termed 'fetish', are heterosexual, but some may be homosexual or bi sexual too. Same thing with crossdressing. It is a seperate, although obviously related, issue.
Ratings
April 2nd, 2006 2:51 pm MDT
I must admit that the ratings system puzzles me. Few people, I think, want to rate another person low, even if that is an honest rating. I know that I myself would far rather not give a rating than rate someone a 4, even if I honestly thought they were only a four, I don't even feel terribly good rating people at 7 and 8. I would hate to think this is naught but illogical politesse on my part, but I do believe it may in fact be something so illogical. I never payed much heed to ratings, until it was pointed out that I managed to make the top ten. I was 4th place. I went up and down last month, even riding on the number one position for a while. As I looked I realized a few things that were... troublesome, to say the least. One thing I noticed was the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle, politicking that ratings employs. "I've rated you a 10..." often makes even me compelled to do likewise. But, all it takes is for just one of those who say that they rated you, to not have rated you, and suddenly it comes off practically as a scam. Then, there is the issue of disabling ratings. I've noticed that some girls keep theirs off until the end of the month, when suddenly, miraculously, they get almost consistant 10 ratings, and land themselves on the top of the chart. Another scam? I admit freely to suffering a healthy dose of paranoia, but am I truly parnoid on this issue? Even if I am, the point remains that the ratings system seems to be a popularity contest. I detest competition, at least this kind. Looks are subjective, my 10 could be and most likely is, anothers 1. But, there is a deeper reason I do not like this. It is the shallowness of it. I'm always pleased when someone rates me, and when I see someone else who I think has really got it together, I rate them without hesitation. To me it's a way of giving a true compliment. And, I'm always honest with it, although sometimes I'm illogically nice, and give 9's to 8's. Will I then protest the corrupt rating system and shut mine off? No. Why not? I don't actually think it's corrupt, I just think too many people focus on it. Besides, sometimes theres not much else one can say to some of the girls on here other than "I rated you a 10!"
Professional Photo's
April 1st, 2006 6:09 pm MST
It isn't something I'm terribly fond of. Why? I mean, I'm a photographer, I'm going to go pro soon, why on earth would I not like all the pro pics I see posted up here? semiprofessional jealousy? No, I love looking at other photographers work. Ah, jealousy over how good some of the girls look? no, I understand the process too well. And this is the key problem I have with the profusion of pro-pics I see. When you get such photo's done, you're not actually showing who you are. You're showing the photographers version of you. You've got makeup, hair, and even wardrobe handy that you've never worn, or wouldn't even think of putting together yourself. There's nothing at all wrong with getting professional pictures done. I hope to be making a living at it, why would I discourage it? I only discourage reliance on these pictures, particularly to show who you are. This is, fundamentally I think, why any of us do what it is we do, to be ourselves, is it not? I would hate to think that new girls, seeing pro-pics start thinking "oh, well I've got to do that too if I want to compete here..." That's wrong on too many levels, there shouldn't be competition to begin with, and of course, you should always show yourself, YOUR SELF. This means show what you look like when YOU have done your own makeup, with your own clothing, your own hair. Show what you actually look like. Maybe you don't look nearly as glam and wonderful as the professional pictures, but that is exactly my point here. You give out an image that the reality simply doesn't meet, you set yourself and others up for disappointment! That's really all. I simply reccomend using pro pics in a more limited manner, don't rely on them, don't be so concerned that you don't look like that from day to day (or however often it is you dress in the case of CDs) show yourself, any critiques are far more honest then, and you can certainly improve if you need it. Pro pics take the support away, the support this site was sort of intended for wasn't it?
OFFENSIVE MATERIAL, DO NOT READ UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE....EVER!
February 27th, 2006 6:26 am MST
I know I'm going to offend people. People are easily offended. I guess most people just don't have a sense of humor about themselves and are far too sensative. Read and consider the following; if you are a majority, a minority, have any religious convictions, legal convictions, misconceptions, or no opinion other than that people shouldn't have opinions, then you are hereby warned that you are fair game for my opinions and ridicule. If you disagree, GOOD FOR YOU! IF you think I'm just being overly judgemental, perhaps I am, but so the frig are you düfus! Right now, I look like a GAL, if ya don't know what this is, here's a bit of a look for ya http://www.harmful.org/homedespot/newtdr/NEWtdrARCHIVE/SCANS/yamanba/index.html I'm not really into the whole look, but have adopted a few things for myself. Same thing with goth, I took a few bits and pieces, but stayed the hell out of actually being a goth. Of all the Goths I've personally met, only one of them was really cool, and I had a lot in common with. Go figure, she's long since reformed! Previously, I had a combination mod/punk look, until this started to catch on. My pattern is to take bits of something that I like and incorperate them into my look. I then abandon it once it has any hint of having a 'movement' around it. My current look is a bit of an exception, since I'm just another dumb looking tanned blonde, but hey... looks are deceiving, aren't they?
