Journal Entries for Loni R. Nix
Alas, poor Yorick...
August 3rd, 2008 7:24 pm MDT
Through a serious of mistakes on my part, and bureaucratic molasses, I start this month with no money, no income, nothing. My bank account is frozen, a dispute between myself and DHS. So I can't pay rent, any of my bills, food, gas for truck, nada. zilch. My fault really, I won't kid anyone there, it's all my fault. So I'm done essentially. I'll be evicted by the end of the month, electric will be turned off, cell phone, house phone, internet, water, insurance... it's all going away. I've been fighting just to stay afloat for a while now, struggling with day to day issues, each waking a small choice to try some more, to fight some more. No more. My kids haven't tried to contact me in months, I haven't a number or contact for them. I'm rejected by anyone I approach, and feel like an idiot anyways. No self-esteem, no self-confidence... all gone. I'm alone. Still. No one seems to care, I'm only useful when something breaks... I'm good at fixing things. yay. 'cept I can't fix myself. Kinda like the genie of the lamp... can do all except free himself. 'cept I'm no genie. Just a dumb bumpkin who's run out of steam. I drive a large diesel truck, so driving into something would likely only damage the truck and not kill me. Damn! My kingdom for a Yugo! So that's out. I boiled it down to two choices... a stroll into traffic, between lights, where vehicles can get up to some decent speeds. splat. my dumb luck I'd survive. Or a large knife, between the ribs, into the lung and upper chest cavity. A "sucking chest wound". Fun!!! Yeah, either will hurt like a bitch I figure too... but pain's no stranger to me, not really. I still want to write out a list of accounts that will require a copy of the death certificate to clear, might as well make it easier for someone to clean up. Had to do that too many times myself, after a person has left... and since no one else is privy to my marginal bookkeeping system... it would certainly help them to have it all written out. account numbers, passwords, logins, etc. And a list of who should really get what... I know a friend who said she'd like the treadmill, another the computers, and so on. Not that there's much really. just old junk. Even the computer is 3 years old. That's all I can think of for now.
