Journal Entries for Bonnie B
What am I missing
March 11th, 2012 1:52 pm MDT
So I was up late last night laying there trying to think about my life in realtion to relationships and I am trying to figure out what I am missing in this equation. Others date, others find romane & love... so why can't I? What am I missing in this equation? 7 years I have not been in the closet. I have been to bars & clubs. I have posted profiles on dating sites... so what the hell?
I do understand that the pool I am fishing in is a very small pool but okies if it was necessary to catch something to survive I would be screwed. Hrms well at least its getting screwed I guess that would be a bonus.
So I put the out to the universe... WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?!?
I give!
July 11th, 2010 9:08 am MDT
I really just don't understand the world anymore. Well no that is wrong... I think I understand the world too much. What I don't understand is why someone like myself has to live in it... and since I know what has just crossed your mind I am not refering to my transition in any way, nor am I stating an intent on suicide. I have gotten over it, that part of who I am makes me no different than anyone on this planet. What I am talking about is the fact that, I see clearly, and with my creativity and intelligence I have these ideas of how to change, or provide or create... but I haven't been blessed with a means to release these ideas!
AGGH, its driving me mad. Just check me into the nut house now. All that I want to do... ALL that I EVER WANTED to do was be able to create what pops into my mind. To bring them into the world and just add a little bit. Even this blog is part of the warped creations of my head. If in some small way you have taken something out of this than what I envisioned has come true.
People are paying 1000 dollars just to have something FIRST. "Big Business" is ravaging our planet because we as a species can not get past our beleif in "frontier ecconomics". Use the resources and move on... never mind that those resources are running out. REALLY?!? Theses are the things that we hold up as "SUCCESS"? Are these the examples that we claim defines us as a species on this planet?
I just want to ADD to the world... NOT take from it...
Why does this make me an outcast?
Defeated
July 1st, 2010 9:30 am MDT
I am ready to give up... The world wins... what is the point of being given gifts that go wasted and unused? I have been so gifted with friends, family, location, intelligence, creativity, etc... yet it seams that the price of all this, the price of being given these things I can not use them.
I do not need nor do I want a "fish" I WANT to learn how to fish...
No that is not saying there is something I need to learn... what I need is people to believe in ME... to believe in the ideas that I have and want to WORK WITH ME to make them a reality... and in doing so we will all find security, money, etc... I have been told by others after the fact that my ideas are YEARS ahead of their time. So I don't understand why when I choose to speak people don't listen.
