URNotAlone

To the Wife of a Transwoman Coming Out

August 7th, 2006 3:10 pm MDT

I received a letter from the wife of someone who recently revealed their transgender status after 10+ years of marriage, and who intends to transition permanently to live as a woman full time. After reading one of my earliest pieces, "Best of Both Worlds", she reached out to me in the hopes that I may be able to help her to cope with these changes in her partner, particularly in regard to sexual orientation. Fortunately she loves her spouse immeasurably, and wants to accomodate their needs if she is able. While I was only able to scratch the surface of this topic in a single letter, my hope is that I provided her with a few important points to consider. I expect that this will be an ongoing discussion, and plan to post again on this topic in the near future. I would really like to get your feedback, because I am considering writing a book on this topic. Please tell me if I am on the right track.

*****

Please forgive my delay in responding honey. I wish I could provide some easy answers, but I don't want to make light of the situation you are facing because I do understand how you feel. First off I should note that I wrote "best of both worlds" about a year ago, and in all honesty, I have personally evolved in the year since writing that piece. At the time, I was still under the impression that my partner needed to have a penis. I have since reconsidered that notion, because quite frankly, it is not the penis that I love but rather the person. A penis does not make or break the sex life, but rather, the passion and intent of each partner to please one another is the real key; the body parts are just details.

The only real certainty in life is change. Nothing remains static forever. This is especially true with human beings. Because we have minds, hearts and spirits, we are constantly evolving, changing, growing. This is obviously more true for some people than others, but yet everyone does evolve through the course of life, even if in very minor ways. Some people change drastically, for various reasons, be they intentional or otherwise. One way or another, change is inevitable, and the only way to remain connected to another person over the long haul is to change together. As your partner evolves, you must also evolve in ways that accomodate and/or inspire your partner's growth. Otherwise, you will grow apart and find yourselves no longer compatible. To resist changes which your partner feels are essential to their happiness is to deny them the right to blossom, whereas to support their evolution is to enable them to reach for their best. A happy partner makes the best possible partner for you, so it's a win-win, provided the changes bring no harm to you.

The thing you will have to face is that as your partner transitions, she will be less inclined to assume the male role, especially in bed, mainly because it reminds her of what she doesn't want to be. If you demand this of her during intimacy when she is most vulnerable, she will come to resent the pressure. Whereas if you focus on pleasing her in the ways she needs to be pleased, quite likely she will be happy to reciprocate in whatever ways she is able. Have confidence that your partner will be far more sexually responsive if she is contented with herself, in which case she will be a more attentive lover to you.

I understand your misgivings about your own sexual orientation, as you noted you've never considered yourself a lesbian or even bisexual. I have come to realize that there is no label for my sexual orientation, because what I really love about a person is their heart, mind, and spirit, whereas anatomy is secondary. Therefore I am not a lesbian, nor am I hetero, nor am I truly bisexual (because it does not account for loving gender-fluid people). I guess if someone had to label me, it would be something like "queer" because I don't fit into any pre-defined box.

The question is whether your sexual orientation defines you as a person? Quite likely, in the grand scheme of you as a whole person, sexuality is just one fraction of who you are. Thus, to get hung up on this detail to the point where it might lead to questioning your love relationship, seems giving too much importance to something that doesn't even define the totality of you.

You loving your spouse, no matter what her anatomy, does not mean you are suddenly a lesbian attracted to all women, it simply means that you have the ability to love your partner in any form.

The fundamental point to ponder is, are you harmed by the changes?

You may feel that the changes will bring negative social stigma to your life... in this case, ask yourself whether the opinions of outsiders matter more than your partner's happiness?

You may feel that your children (if any) would be confused by the changes... in this case, ask yourself whether you wish to raise your children to understand only what's inside the old box of societal norms, or if teaching them to be open-minded and accepting of diversity may actually be a service to them?

You may feel that the changes will diminish the excitement of your sex life... in this case, ask yourself whether you are more excited by the totality of your partner as a person, or by their body parts?

You may feel that having a partner who changes gender will mean having to change the label of your sexual orientation... in this case, ask yourself whether the label is more important than the love?

I can't answer any of these questions for you dear one, only you know what's right for you. All I do know for sure is that your heart is in the right place in asking the questions you did. Your spouse is very blessed to have you as a partner, because it is clear that your love for her is pure and strong.

I wish you all the best, in whatever path you may choose.