Ashley Caulk
"wants to know what the jazz is all about."
Journal Entries for Ashley Caulk
Current plans for the future
July 17th, 2009 8:14 pm MDT
I finally have a soft plan in place for moving forward with my transition, and I couldn't be happier about it.
May 19, 2009... the greatest night of my life (so far)
May 22nd, 2009 6:09 am MDT
I wanted to write this sooner, but I needed to make sure I got everything down, and I figured that today would be the best day to write this blog because of yet another milestone: May 21, 2007 was the last time I had a regular haircut. Basically this was the day I began to grow my hair out, as my final day actually working in the military was May 30, 2007, as I began my terminal leave the next day. But that’s another life. On Tuesday, I went to AJ’s Bar and Grill in Jacksonville for a meet and greet hosted by a wonderful woman named Katie. I met her and her beautiful daughter Stephanie, who I bonded with almost immediately. She’s like the little sister I always wanted ;) They complimented me on everything from my outfit to my jewelry to my hair to what they said was my beautiful complexion. It felt really good talking to them and explaining to them that I felt way more comfortable as a woman than I ever did as a boy. According to Katie, she had about 20 girls who planned on attending this little shindig, but due to the horrid weather the area had that day, only about 6 or so actually showed up, of which only 3 (including myself) showed up dressed. Well, I showed up in boy clothes (as to not get my dress wet), and changed upon my arrival. I got there early, and only Katie and Stephanie saw me as a boy first. Anyway, the party didn’t start off too well at first, just talking about past experiences and stuff. I felt out of place, and Steph noticed it, so she took me outside to chat with her while she had a smoke. We had a nice conversation, although the difference in age between me and her was about the same as it was with me and the other girls. As it turns out, we listen to the same music and everything, so that was nice. A few girls came in to play pool, and Katie suggested that Stephanie and I play a game against them. It wasn’t until I met the girls that I realized that 1) they were lesbians, and 2) I was, in fact, in a gay bar. Forgive me, I’m a bit slow on the uptake, lol :P So we start playing, and things are going really well. We’re having fun, shooting some pool, and the girls accepted me pretty quickly. One of them even said to me “FYI, I would KILL for your legs.” Stephanie and I won the game when one of the other girls scratched on the 8 ball. Then I ended up sinking our last ball and the 8 ball right after... such is life. At around 8:30 I think, a group of girls came in carrying a bunch of luggage. I didn’t pay it too much mind at the time, but about an hour later things got very interesting. The show started at around 9:30 or so. Four girls (and one FTM, though he referred to himself as a “gender fuck” when I talked to him later) came out and performed, and while they did their walk around, they took the time to introduce themselves to me. After the last girl, Chastity, came out and did her bit, she took the time to point out all the new people who came out, and then the show continued. Stephanie asked me to play pool with her again, so I went to go join her. During the game, Chastity came out again and she had to make a public service announcement: “We would like to take this opportunity to invite Ashley out next week to come and perform with us!” I was floored. Stephanie was elated; she was teasing me ever since the show began that I should do a number too. Well, I spoke with Katie, and she told me to go for it as well. Chastity came up to me and asked me formally if I wanted to do it. I said yes and she took me to the back room to meet the girls. I met Jasmine, Sheila and Dee formally in the back, and Aiden (the FTM) as well. Aiden was jealous of my height; I stood 6’1” in my heels, and he’s only 4’11”. Well, one thing led to another, and I actually ended up doing the last performance of the night! I performed “Fantasy” by Mariah Carey, and I ended up making $8 in tips. It was great =) So, I now have a gig performing at AJ’s Grill and Bar every Tuesday night. Chastity wants to take me under her wing and teach me the ways of not just drag performance, but in womanhood, because I told her that I wanna transition. I’m going to meet up with her tomorrow to talk some more, and I hope that things go well! Wish me luck everyone! XOXO
I've made my decision
August 14th, 2008 11:41 am MDT
I've finally come to grips with the turmoil in my head. I know that it's going to be a VERY long, expensive, painful process, and I know that I'll probably lose everyone that's currently in my "real" life, but I don't care anymore. I'm not happy, and I know that the only way that I'll ever be truly happy is not by falling in love with an incredible woman and getting married, but by becoming an incredible woman. It's the only thing that I think about whenever I'm alone. I know that this is what I have to do. I've dreamed about it ever since I was little. Just a few days ago the images of those dreams, after years of repressing them, came back into my mind. Whenever I used to hide from my brothers, I used to go out to our backyard and hide in the shed back there. I didn't really understand why I thought this way then, but I always wanted to believe that something would happen to me in that shed, and that when I walked out of it, that I would be a girl. I remember this very clearly now. Another event that had a profound effect on me was the movie Switch. After reading the plot of that movie, I used to wish that I was the main character in that movie, only difference being that I would totally embrace being female. I know now that it really was a woman pretending to be a man in a woman's body, but the whole time I used to think to myself, "I know I can walk in heels better than that." The movie came out when I was 8, but I didn't actually see it until I was 12, and by then I did in fact "master" walking in my mom's heels. Speaking of that, the first time I ever, you know, I was wearing a pair of 4" black heels. I was imagining that I was grown up, wearing a sexy black dress with them, my hair was long, and I was totally seducing this guy who knew that I was really a man. That fantasy was the total opposite of ones I had later on in life, because I was essentially "raping" the guy; he knew I was a man and wanted nothing to do with me, yet I forced myself on him anyway. Thinking about it, I got hard and thought I peed my pants, and to be honest, I had no idea what that white stuff really was. But I've gone off topic. Basically, I'm saying that the desire to be a full-time woman has always been inside of me. Most of the female characters I drew for art class where visions of what I hoped to become. And now, I'm going to finally put the wheels in motion to make my dreams a reality. It'll be a while before I can actually start (I need a better paying job that won't fire me because I'm trans, a lot of money and a lot of therapy), but I hope that everything that I do from here on is a means to the end, so to speak. If anyone can give me some advice as to what to do (or words of encouragement), then I'm all ears (or eyes, as it were lol). Wish me luck!
Another shopping trip
December 30th, 2006 7:09 pm MST
I went out shopping again today, and it was such a rush! I haven't really done any serious dressing in a couple of months, and I didn't even buy any clothes as a guy in the guise of buying Christmas presents for a girlfriend. I guess I just didn't have a lot of time to just dedicate to being Elisabeth, but today was different. I went to a different Dot's Fashions today, and bought a denim knee-length skirt, a short brown ruffled tier skirt, and some...thing. I dunno if it was a long top or a short dress. I assume it's the former, but I wore it like the latter, like some trashy, slutty figure skater outfit. I then went to one of these mom-and-pop run "shoe warehouses" where I bought a cute brown layered top and a pair of black scrunch boots. They go perfect with my new brown skirt. I think I'll stay as Elisabeth tonight, and maybe tomorrow too. I haven't decided yet. All I know now is I love the feel of my new clothes. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I almost went into shock; I didn't believe the person I was looking at was really me. It's a feeling I don't think will ever go away.
Elisabeth's weekend
September 25th, 2006 2:27 am MDT
Elisabeth's Weekend So, from about 8 p.m. Friday night to about 8 p.m. Sunday night, I lived completely as Elisabeth. It was an exhilirating experience. I also went out too! During the day, I just went out cruising, but what a rush! On Saturday night, though, I had noticed that I was running low on makeup, so I went out to try to buy some more. After driving around for about 45 minutes, I found a 24-hour Walgreens and in I went. There was only one person working, a stocklady, but she was very courteous to me, and even called me "sweetie" and "darling" and everything else. I've been working on my voice too, so I was able to talk to her too. The whole experience has given me a lot of confidence to be Elisabeth on a regular basis. Maybe I should have another Elisabeth weekend next weekend. Wish me luck!
