Ashley Nicole
"is undergoing a transformation"
Journal Entries for Ashley Nicole
I've made my decision
August 14th, 2008 11:41 am MDT
I've finally come to grips with the turmoil in my head. I know that it's going to be a VERY long, expensive, painful process, and I know that I'll probably lose everyone that's currently in my "real" life, but I don't care anymore. I'm not happy, and I know that the only way that I'll ever be truly happy is not by falling in love with an incredible woman and getting married, but by becoming an incredible woman. It's the only thing that I think about whenever I'm alone. I know that this is what I have to do. I've dreamed about it ever since I was little. Just a few days ago the images of those dreams, after years of repressing them, came back into my mind. Whenever I used to hide from my brothers, I used to go out to our backyard and hide in the shed back there. I didn't really understand why I thought this way then, but I always wanted to believe that something would happen to me in that shed, and that when I walked out of it, that I would be a girl. I remember this very clearly now. Another event that had a profound effect on me was the movie Switch. After reading the plot of that movie, I used to wish that I was the main character in that movie, only difference being that I would totally embrace being female. I know now that it really was a woman pretending to be a man in a woman's body, but the whole time I used to think to myself, "I know I can walk in heels better than that." The movie came out when I was 8, but I didn't actually see it until I was 12, and by then I did in fact "master" walking in my mom's heels. Speaking of that, the first time I ever, you know, I was wearing a pair of 4" black heels. I was imagining that I was grown up, wearing a sexy black dress with them, my hair was long, and I was totally seducing this guy who knew that I was really a man. That fantasy was the total opposite of ones I had later on in life, because I was essentially "raping" the guy; he knew I was a man and wanted nothing to do with me, yet I forced myself on him anyway. Thinking about it, I got hard and thought I peed my pants, and to be honest, I had no idea what that white stuff really was. But I've gone off topic. Basically, I'm saying that the desire to be a full-time woman has always been inside of me. Most of the female characters I drew for art class where visions of what I hoped to become. And now, I'm going to finally put the wheels in motion to make my dreams a reality. It'll be a while before I can actually start (I need a better paying job that won't fire me because I'm trans, a lot of money and a lot of therapy), but I hope that everything that I do from here on is a means to the end, so to speak. If anyone can give me some advice as to what to do (or words of encouragement), then I'm all ears (or eyes, as it were lol). Wish me luck!
Another shopping trip
December 30th, 2006 7:09 pm MST
I went out shopping again today, and it was such a rush! I haven't really done any serious dressing in a couple of months, and I didn't even buy any clothes as a guy in the guise of buying Christmas presents for a girlfriend. I guess I just didn't have a lot of time to just dedicate to being Elisabeth, but today was different. I went to a different Dot's Fashions today, and bought a denim knee-length skirt, a short brown ruffled tier skirt, and some...thing. I dunno if it was a long top or a short dress. I assume it's the former, but I wore it like the latter, like some trashy, slutty figure skater outfit. I then went to one of these mom-and-pop run "shoe warehouses" where I bought a cute brown layered top and a pair of black scrunch boots. They go perfect with my new brown skirt. I think I'll stay as Elisabeth tonight, and maybe tomorrow too. I haven't decided yet. All I know now is I love the feel of my new clothes. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I almost went into shock; I didn't believe the person I was looking at was really me. It's a feeling I don't think will ever go away.
Elisabeth's weekend
September 25th, 2006 2:27 am MDT
Elisabeth's Weekend So, from about 8 p.m. Friday night to about 8 p.m. Sunday night, I lived completely as Elisabeth. It was an exhilirating experience. I also went out too! During the day, I just went out cruising, but what a rush! On Saturday night, though, I had noticed that I was running low on makeup, so I went out to try to buy some more. After driving around for about 45 minutes, I found a 24-hour Walgreens and in I went. There was only one person working, a stocklady, but she was very courteous to me, and even called me "sweetie" and "darling" and everything else. I've been working on my voice too, so I was able to talk to her too. The whole experience has given me a lot of confidence to be Elisabeth on a regular basis. Maybe I should have another Elisabeth weekend next weekend. Wish me luck!
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