URNotAlone

I've made my decision

August 14th, 2008 11:41 am MDT

I've finally come to grips with the turmoil in my head.  I know that it's going to be a VERY long, expensive, painful process, and I know that I'll probably lose everyone that's currently in my "real" life, but I don't care anymore.  I'm not happy, and I know that the only way that I'll ever be truly happy is not by falling in love with an incredible woman and getting married, but by becoming an incredible woman.  It's the only thing that I think about whenever I'm alone.  I know that this is what I have to do.
I've dreamed about it ever since I was little.  Just a few days ago the images of those dreams, after years of repressing them, came back into my mind.  Whenever I used to hide from my brothers, I used to go out to our backyard and hide in the shed back there.  I didn't really understand why I thought this way then, but I always wanted to believe that something would happen to me in that shed, and that when I walked out of it, that I would be a girl.  I remember this very clearly now.
Another event that had a profound effect on me was the movie Switch.  After reading the plot of that movie, I used to wish that I was the main character in that movie, only difference being that I would totally embrace being female.  I know now that it really was a woman pretending to be a man in a woman's body, but the whole time I used to think to myself, "I know I can walk in heels better than that."  The movie came out when I was 8, but I didn't actually see it until I was 12, and by then I did in fact "master" walking in my mom's heels.
Speaking of that, the first time I ever, you know, I was wearing a pair of 4" black heels.  I was imagining that I was grown up, wearing a sexy black dress with them, my hair was long, and I was totally seducing this guy who knew that I was really a man.  That fantasy was the total opposite of ones I had later on in life, because I was essentially "raping" the guy; he knew I was a man and wanted nothing to do with me, yet I forced myself on him anyway.  Thinking about it, I got hard and thought I peed my pants, and to be honest, I had no idea what that white stuff really was.
But I've gone off topic.  Basically, I'm saying that the desire to be a full-time woman has always been inside of me.  Most of the female characters I drew for art class where visions of what I hoped to become. And now, I'm going to finally put the wheels in motion to make my dreams a reality.  It'll be a while before I can actually start (I need a better paying job that won't fire me because I'm trans, a lot of money and a lot of therapy), but I hope that everything that I do from here on is a means to the end, so to speak.  If anyone can give me some advice as to what to do (or words of encouragement), then I'm all ears (or eyes, as it were lol).  Wish me luck!