URNotAlone

Update July 16, 2006, Lana's second time in public

August 7th, 2006 8:24 pm MDT

Dear URNA friends, in July, I visited Keri Renault and her wife Sunny in Milwaukee. One of their friends, Kelly Carson, was also visiting. During the weekend together, we enjoyed great conversations and shared a lot of experiences as we got to know each other. Keri, Sunny and Kelly are wonderful people and I consider myself lucky to have met them. ..........My second time in public as Lana was just as wonderful as the first. Keri had planned for us to go to one of her favorite restaurants called "Barosa." This time, I decided to wear the jeans and wedge sandals (and carry the black purse) that I bought when I went out as Lana for the first time with Steffanie T back in May. Keri let me borrow a brown top, necklace, bracelet and watch to complete my look. As Keri helped me with make-up, Kelly was styling my wig for me to wear. I didn't have all the right make-up, but I hope that the pics look a little more natural (I'll try to post some soon). I have so much to learn about make-up application, but I hope to keep improving. ..........After taking some pics to celebrate our visit together, the four of us got in the car to drive into Milwaukee. This second time in public was very different than the first. I encountered more people and actually spoke to a few, too. Being with Keri, Sunny and Kelly made me feel so comfortable--they were so fantastic to be with! Although I hope that my outward appearance is becoming a little more natural (of course, I need to keep working at it!), I noticed that my feelings inside were much closer to feeling feminine (at least to me) than my first time in public. I felt less of a disconnect between Lana on the outside and Lana on the inside as the evening passed. Of course, I need to learn a lot more about looking and feeling feminine, but I felt like I took some major baby steps in that direction. ..........We got to the restaurant, parked and walked in. It wasn't very crowded and we were seated at a table for six (two more of Keri's friends, a TG and GG, joined us). As we ordered our food, I felt like we were six girls having dinner together and it was a wonderful feeling. I didn't say much during dinner, but I was really feeling ecstatic inside. As Lana, I ate slower and more deliberately, and I noticed that my mannerisms reminded me of my mother eating when she was my age. Actually, that made me feel connected to my femininity and I enjoyed it. ..........After dinner, we walked to our car and drove to a lakeside hangout called "Pieces of Eight" right next to the art museum downtown. As I got out of the car to walk across the parking lot and into the restaurant/bar area, I felt blissfully feminine in the warm summer breeze. There is something indescribable about walking, feeling, thinking, and looking like Lana outdoors. I know this is so new to me, but I was happy to yield to whatever femininity I had inside of me. I also did something I've never done before: I went into the women's restroom! Sunny waited outside while I locked the door behind me. Once I was inside, I used the bathroom, washed my hands and primped in front of the mirror for a minute. It probably sounds silly to say, but wow, that was so amazing! It felt so wonderful to be a girl in a girl's restroom and looking in the mirror and seeing a girl. Part of it, I'm sure, is the fact that I looked younger with all the make-up (who doesn't like to look younger!), but there was something more than that. Looking at Lana in the mirror, I was overwhelmed and smiling so much that I was nearly brought to tears, but I knew I couldn't cry with make-up on, so I held it together. :) When I walked out of the restroom, a young girl who was talking to Sunny looked at me, but didn't look at me twice (yes!). I followed Sunny to the bar area and we all talked more over drinks and met the bartender--she knew Keri and Sunny and was very friendly. As I sipped my water, I looked around and just tried to be myself. I was so happy that no one outside our group paid any extra attention to me, at least not too much. :) ..........As we got in the car to drive home, we shared how the evening went and I was so thankful to Keri, Sunny and Kelly for taking me out to dinner. They were so supportive and made me feel like Lana. One thing I learned on this second time in public is that it is very important to have experienced girls (TGs and/or GGs who have been out with TGs) to go out with. Along with Steffanie T, who took Lana out in public for the first time in May, I couldn't have asked for a more supportive group of friends. ..........I realize that some TGs have had bad experiences in public, so I'm just so thankful that both of my first two outings have been so wonderful. Of course, now I want to try to go out again, but I think it would be best if I practiced make-up a little more and tried to work on looking and feeling as naturally feminine as I can. As I gain more confidence, I'm sure that I'll learn to feel more natural and just be Lana. ..........I hope you enjoyed reading this journal entry. I've often wondered how much more natural Lana could have become if she had started in her 20s and went out in public then, but she'll enjoy the journey where it is now. :) Hugs, Lana