Journal Entries for Tina Leigh
Oh the March of time
March 14th, 2012 7:28 am MDT
Well spring has darted in and out of winter so much this year until now I think it will win sooner than later. March is tough still 11 months out and missing my sister and her family in my life. Her I can not fault for passing, her grown children I guess have no sense of connectedness when it is not in front of them. Still troubled by my own diversity had many great times with girlfriends on line an some great meetings as well but still hesitant to dress and risk the other life. And thats been remarkably well with some indulgences and interests of my own and sometimes even the spouse is nearly warm and fuzzy. I don't know what the course is some days without Tina are calm and good other days without being her it is sheer anguish but only moments seem to bring closure to the need for her. Well to all my friends in girlland thanks for your love and support, it while digitally delivered the most substantial friendship I have many days. happy spring. Tina
What you really give
December 6th, 2011 10:08 am MST
Well it has been a tough year since losing my sister in the spring. I thought I had some time running errands the other night and trying to get into the holiday spirit thought of what I should get sis to really tell her I love her. Then I realized how hard that would be through streaming tears and long sighs. And I would give almost anything to hear her voice and see her again. While we were geographically separated for the last years we were close and shared a special common past. We had lives unique from that common past things we did and felt so connected to where we came from it was scary and special as adults and we grew to understand who we were and why. The tears come easily since her passing and especially now thinking not only do I not have her voice to hear but the voice of her children seem to have fallen silent as well. They are adults in a chronological sense but answering or returning calls is somehow beyond their sense of family and the immediacy of their lives. I admit I often thought poorly of my sister for living towards her passions and how she dedicated time to those things that she did with friends in shared interests outside family. Upon her passing I saw confirmation of what I was beginning to feel in my own life. I had opted to be the worker bee taking care of business day by day until someday things would be right to do the easy, good, fun pleasurable stuff. She had it right a memorial filled with decades of loving trusted friends who all came to say so long with few regrets of the past and only sorrow about futures not to be shared. Through streaming tears I know I have missed so much so many things I could have done. Now well into middle age and its physical and mental weakness from all the toil of getting things done I know I have less to go than I have been. So to my dear sisters and friends here please know whatever you value think about what it really means and what you truly want and desire. Know trading things you think irreplaceable or important for things that are truly irreplaceable and unique is truly the gift we have the chance to give to ourselves and others. How I reconcile the immediate loving ones in my daily life to the virtual comfort of those who know some of my deepest soul is hard but I have to try and see what is of real value and what treasure is and what just stuff is. Be merry, be giving and love the world. Tina
Vegas Baby, Vegas
June 20th, 2011 3:48 pm MDT
yes I need some pointers if I get to visit vegas in July unfortunatly but better than not. So anyone with experience let m know and even better if sisters are ln vegas. Tina
Viva Los Vegas
June 13th, 2011 8:51 pm MDT
Ok need pointers going to be invegas for a few days and have some time to be me. any recomendations or help would be great. Tina, July 19-23rd.
progress
May 16th, 2011 12:31 pm MDT
Well some ups some downs, Up is to have at last meet one of the local friends, while I discovered my practice and life don't allow me to get all girl'd up it is still nice to be what I can be and with someone who certainly is doing well on her growth. I have made it a month since losing sis and well stiill want to talk to her and tell her all sorts of things but can only speak to the wind and the grass. But it hurts less and I am trying to remember the lessons from her life adn death I need to. Now the down the back is a mess Bulging disk finaly after X-rays, meds and MRI. refered to specialized neurosurgeon " yikes". That however is a month away and what to do with pain and loss of some mobility and quality of life untill then, very troubling. Have ask Int med Dr. for another course of relief, will see. Still stressed , over loaded and not teribly successful and getting relaxed and looking for pleasure without stress in life. Something to work on. Tina
some form of closure
April 25th, 2011 9:01 pm MDT
Well back from the trip, saying good-bye to a dying sibling is never easy and this sucked. but it was all over in 51 hours and then a week of painfull work to get the goodbye completed publicly. I still hurt, I really miss her but she is gone. I have to take lessons from her and make my life better and that is going to take time.
wonderful
March 18th, 2011 7:52 am MDT
Well a nice Friday light below the dreary sky above having so many visit after my first brief chat here. Thanks Girls. And long awaited and much toiled over, my new corset arrived from coorsetwholesale.com and I can say it is at first appearance heavy and well made for some serious lacing. What else can happen the day is so young.
Just that time of the year
December 7th, 2010 1:06 pm MST
Oh well everyone Happy Holiday season. Grab some eggnog slink under a low hanging evergreen branch and kiss whomever walks by and looks lip lockable. Just a thought. Now on to shopping I personaly like the one for you one for me method but feel free to change that how ever your politics demands. One for you two for me, one for you none for me, two for me and get your own, Whatever! This time of year puts me in a mood, Ok maybe a transitory range of moods, no not the H word or the s word. You maybe one of us that give all year long helpful supporting giving creatures, selfless to a fault.And then comes this holiday feast where everyone is supposed to think of others and we(me) think our turn for resiprosity is coming, Alas to find out if you have not selected those you give to throughout the year carefully it is like a goverment deduction plan and you pay more. Well bles those who come up with things even thoughts that make the year worth repeating. For truely as they say it is about more that the present it is the feeling behind it. So do something unexpected to those who take even little steps in your life the other 364 days do or say something sincere and with understanding of them. We are all to some degree waiting for recognition and feelings appreciation for what we do or are throughout the year. Just My thoughts and love for you all for reading and listening when you can. Tina
what is what was.
September 30th, 2010 8:45 am MDT
Ok Some of you know I am vexed by exploration of who and what I am and how it does and might affect what I am or where I am in life.
How do we migrate Imean some discover early certain feelings or desires and supressedor not know they are there. but can you go so long in life and
not have an inkling of something and the it is there or do we sell ourselves on it for some reason later in life. Is exploration finding what is inside or is it putting things inside our lives that become attractive based on status at that time. I can not imagine had I had the freedom and availability when younger that some of the things I think of now, no less do or think I might do, would have been fathomable. How far as humans to we evolve because of nature and how much
because of pressure or opportunity. It comes back to if i make these decisions now then what does that say about who I have been, liar, cheat, fraud or just purely nieve and without perspective. I will admit I have covered the spectrum in some ways from redneck cowboy to liberal Cd/tg exploring self and sensations. I would be interested in hearing what you experiences are. not that your experience has anything to do with mine but about not being unusual beyond norms for those who are somewhat like myself. Tina
solitude of summer and dreams
August 11th, 2010 10:30 pm MDT
Well yes it is here and settled in the quiet days when we all seem to abandon the darkness and run into the sun. Life liberty and the pursuit of something cool or hot keeps us going. And it is good but sad that so many seem gone from our world. Do they stay in the sun or does the sea lap them up? Recently I realized free from dread or hope wat does one dream. S o many times our dreams are about escape or resolution, ending conflict or freedom from oppression. But what does one call a dream born of contentment? I could this be some nearly unknown state where the mind is truely free to create and frolic in its own world free of our earthly humanly limits. Go dream in peace and see what you find.
Nitty gritty
April 19th, 2010 10:20 am MDT
I am sure many here are have asked why, I certainly have to therapist, doctors and analyists alike. No answer about why maybe some ventured from my own life of things that make it easier or attractive or desirable but nothing says why not drinking, carousing or other behaviors. I know it is unique to me the things that happen growing up ,the emotional bruises and bumps from what seemed a good childhood that now I see forever changed who i am and how I believe and behave. How to sort things out my nature is not to cause pain and conflict I have felt way to much. My spouse had no fair warning as neither did I that one day nudgges and questions would end in all sorts of desires contrary to who I have been and still am paart of the time. I have been lucky I guess and not thrown the value and love of those around me away to explore my middle aged adolescence of identity and personality. I have to tread carefully and that saves me and hurts me too. but reality how much can I change who I am. Sexually I am not that adventurouse, never was and i also Know my craving for love and affection , acceptance can make lots of things seem like love. I know I can accept anything if I think it makes someone love me or like me, codependancy doormat syndrom. I hurt that this is so polarized either or by so many. I adore and support the ones who are transgendered and need to be fulltime what they feel they are. I guess I hate that if you are not transitioning then you risk being forced to 'LIfestyle" just to have some sense of acceptance. wwhy can it not be about being a whole a you are and if it gets a little messy with sexuality and varieties of expression then let it. Don't anyone think because he is a she only a few hours a week, day or month that is some defining identity exclusive of everything else. Guess I am ranting at the world. I guess it also goes that if a boy likes a guy once he has to be gay me can't be just what he wants to be when. Also we as a society need to separate emotional identification from sexual intamacy they are not the same for every case in my humble experience. Love someone different today, someone who can't understand knowing you don't have to undestand them to love them. Tina
opps! oppinion requested
March 30th, 2010 2:05 pm MDT
Ok well that was probably not the right reponse when your disapproving spouse finds a pair of hot pink nylon panties in the wash and confronts you. But it was what I said, all I could realy feel Yes they are womens panties, yes they are mine and I have know idea how if you found then in the wash you decided to make our young teenage son part of the discovery and use him to emphasisze the ish factor. Opps yup all I said ,later I would clarify for my son just some old underwear I found in a box, not sure where they caMe from but washed and clean they were paid for underwear and the way money is tight I figured that was good but if it made him more comfortable I cut them up and threw them out. Yes they were not so much found as bought but really just two buck pretty things on a down day. The spouse looks to the bigger issue, really if you did just find them why would you wear them, was therapy such a failure after all the money. If you are doing that what else could you be doing? God only knows,I can never trust you! Really she doesn't trust anyone much to begin with so no big news and she always wants to know where everyone is in relation to her and her world, princess you see of the perfect land maybe Ozzie and Harriet or father knows best. So Along cold spring is in charge and I may have to lay low for a bit, not like I have a giant social life and free reign anyway. I feel bad because she freeks about this and makes it bigger than it might be. Am I loooking to get laid, don't need to dress to do that. Am I into random sex with men, again don't need the underwear for that. Have I considered and chatted intimately with others who think like I do, looking for acceptance and common ground to speak freely... Yes. Could I be physically involved with someone else of any persuasion, perhaps if they were intelectually imimate with me and it was not in conflict with our marriage and my love and honor for you and the family we represent. Why doesn't our society get it that when people look to outside relationsships for part of their forfilment it is because it is not there to begin with and you either provide it or needdto understand it. we try and try to corrall human nature into the good the average and the bad but it is not that simple. just a botch session now so I will stop. The question is should i maintain my online presence and support or try and go cold turkey full abstinance again? I lack perspective I have done it for awhile before but I had my paid professional friend<therapist> to go to this would be just me and my shadow, I don't have real time friends espescially when it comes to this issue. Tina
happy holidays and beyond
December 28th, 2009 1:06 pm MST
Ok well things worked out pretty good for everyone I hope each of your holidays was good too. Now I can move on to getting some of the wardrobe put together and finding some way to get out with the girls every once in awhile. Need to find the best way to turn cash into online credit for shopping and memberships to web groups. would welcome any comments. Tina
moving in some direction.
December 4th, 2009 11:45 pm MST
Ok it is a little better than it was weeks past, I am so swamped by work and home chaos that I don't have time to think, much. But hopeing for shopping money but have to figure out how to shop online without a bank card or credit card. maybe some prepaid thing will work out. Longing to be creative again and social but that is realy hard this time of year many have family and other obligations and it is streching us thin. more later.
one of those days
November 18th, 2009 2:22 pm MST
Well surviving with this side of me has some better days and some rougher ones. today is one of many when life keeps piling on and I just want to get away spend some time on something purely fun, purely for me. But guilt and stress even rob that of promise and so unhappiness and anxiety settle in. Been having some conversations on line some I probably shouldn't but need to have some contact with someone who knows what it is like and what it is to want to be liked. Yes right now if I was GG I would be one needy slut possssibly. I don't have a plan but to take it day by day and keep as many as possible from getting messed up in this thing that is mine alone. Don't mean to cry publicly but also want to be honest since many of us have similar problems and some of us have made a choice to be where we are for reasons to us. and the rough days are the ones we feel alone about and question our durability. I know maybe it is silly to try and hold some sort of integrity in secret and silent suffering for others benifit but most the time it does feeel right. I won't give up but i have to also be willing to accept the silence imposed by not moving forward, not dressing, not going out and be content to know the mental state is ok not fake and not some horrible thing. I have had thoughts more odd than normal for me and most I cannot consciously say I understand or accept as what I really want. I think they are like a crazed animal lunging at anything near, any path right or wrong is tried only later to see the error in the errant success. So it is safe in the head, maybe more that the world but then thats where hope lives eternal. Take care girls. Tina
Just falling
November 2nd, 2009 12:25 pm MST
Ok well things are just sort of troubled now.The hope of October is gone and winter is lurking at the door. I am trying to build a plan for friends in person again but not sure how it happens with time and money and oh yeh the whole closely watched closeted thing. Confidentially the dreams are getting weirder and the things I think of are way out of reasonable nature. As an artist expresion for passion and forfulment are slim or just hard to focus on, and need to try and get something created from within consistently. But I am not sure if I can in the pent up scared state I am in ,I have to ask if I am afraid of myself or something else. Well I am sure the boot straps are some where, just have to find them and pull hard before the snow gets deep. Nothing morta,l nothing that cannot be survived but taking some bruises here and there. Love you all the many colored leaves of fall. Tina
Fall
September 29th, 2009 9:01 am MDT
Well the temperatures are falling so the tights and sweaters can not be far behind! Yes I am looking for some hope some obtainable goals. Been fighting painful back problems as well as all of ife and that is when I look for some point of light. So wishing everyone a colorful and delightful season. Tina
just a quickie
August 27th, 2009 10:43 am MDT
Well summer is dragging out to the golden end, the kids are in school so maybe some time to play a little later on in the month. but for now just saving money for a new corset or toys. Never had toys before and while pleasure is something important to me, a new corset would be nice too. Just not sure what to do so little funds and so many things to want. Holding on and staying low key and focused on home and work as much as possible. However some days the beast gets me bad when I think of doing things just for one seconds sensations and no real reason but to do them. I think it is a sign of balance being out of wack and I need to find something to satisfy my deeper inner self without cusing more guilt, fear and stress. Well back to the daily stuff and behind as always. Tina
really summer dreaming
July 6th, 2009 2:11 pm MDT
Ok well summer is well under way and the trip to the high country of NC brought some things into focus. I had just enough time to get tina a bit ready and do some pics one evening, a great treat for this girl. A dear friend got me deal on some new breastforms and I cannot wait to wear them but summer is pretty busy to get that chance. besides they are a bit more fullness than i am used to and I may have to shop! to get things to fit well. Looking at trying to get time in my life for the occasional outing with girls in the area and to spend time online again too. well hugs to all of you and to those who wonder if this is something that you can change or will change you? Both if you can balance it between your brain and your heart things can be long and successfull. Just my two bits worth. Tina
long days of Bummer
April 3rd, 2009 1:54 pm MDT
Ok I could have seen it coming. Take the new job duties on like a team player, wait while they diddle around for official designation. Then the economy tanks and they say yesterday Oh we don't see your new duties as a manager different from your duties as a single service operator No new grade no new pay just thanks for taking one for the team you are so really important to the group and the future.. So wages are frozen the only hope for any increase was New level of service, not happening and they don't seem concerned. bad economy to jump ship with house and family cost high. not under water but looking straight across the top of the vessel. Working or a second job but my family and especially my son already think i work to much and don't have fun and could off myself if i get any more unhappy . Not that I have ever said or done anything like that, i think they have talked about it in middle school or something. He is worried about me being me and also about me being with him as much as possible. maybe it is just pre teen sensitive male issues or something. i was so already shut off at that age i was just working and doing my thing in secret since my dad was injured and couldn't do much with me but talk and little inside sort of things. I will muddle through i guess but any ideas would be appreciated. Tina
