Tina Leigh
Journal Entries for Tina Leigh
just enough new
December 17th, 2008 11:37 pm MST
ok .well girls not much new ,busy as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. The house, family and work have beat the stuffin out of me for six months now and once the holiday festivities(chores) die down maybe some time for Tina will come around. Been trying to build war chest but no side jobs for cash has made it a piggy bank and spare change operation. suddenly I understand sisters who take risks to make cash to feed their girly needs. Stop by say high. Tina
just a quickie
July 1st, 2008 3:56 pm MDT
Well the trip to NY was way to fast and way to packed but inspiring and illuminating in some professional and personal ways. Didn't get to get out as I was way to remotly located to be able assemble and travel far in any mode comfortably. The house to house move continues and eventually the new house will be occupiable and we can get to the nuts and bolts of setteling in not wandering through and working way to much to be settled and camping at relatives. Work presents some challege for the next year and most of in should be about focus and limits so i can create more and spend less time putting out others fires. Well off to the evenings work. hugs to all Tina
excitement and travel
May 22nd, 2008 9:49 am MDT
Ok well a lot happening mostly good, The house is sold after a very short listing. qwe have one to buy in negotiations and inspections. Big news I most likely will be on a 3 day business trip Just north of New York city . I guess White plains is the nearest marker. I am not sure i will get to dress but certainly would like to have coffe or something stronger with some of the girls in the area if there is friendly club or similar. busy busy getting ready but finaly some good news to shine through the haze. Tina
Gravity
May 1st, 2008 12:42 pm MDT
Ok, warning If you don't want to haer about life in a boring everyday striff then stop now. this is an entry for just how I vent some days. I feel crappy physically my head hurts my eyes hgurt , yes it is alergies and sinus crud. Back on the meds spring and summer are officially here. The reallity of the house being almost sold and the best new prospect being basementless keeeps pushing "stuff and Things" into the wonderful garage I was excited about. Suddenly everything from the deep freez to the lawn equipment to the son's drum set to all the seasonal decorations etc..... are In the garage. Why because " well when the stuff comes back from storage you are getting rid of a bunch more or yours right!" And this after i have already had to figure on my desk and computer being in the garage since my wife doesn't believ in privacy and has some communal idea we all share her office computer when she is not working or plaaying games or ....... And the list of what needs to be done is getting expensive so some of the labor is going to be mine. yes how many 80 pound landscape wall blocks can I stack Oh about 500 or so! worth something like5,000 dollars off having it done., Pray for a better house this perfect property is not at this time unless the price goes way down so we can have things done. Oh and saving to pay for things over time. the lets live so tight it hurts and we don't have fun or the money to do what we enjoy so we can do what we need. Just bites some days but this will pass as one or the other thing has but right now it feels like a inescapable force crushing me and the reflex to dress is back and I have to deal with that bit of self control too. Long days and just want peace. I have been having some alarming thoughts of late, extreme escapism . Desperate fatasies of anything to be loved and taken care of even acts of intamacy that are not about love but about service and acceptance and protection , not love not desire for the act but the barginning for identity and status. Anyone ever have thoughts like this? well back to the other popular disraction and torture-work. Take care and thanks for listening. Tina
Surrender.
April 28th, 2008 1:21 pm MDT
I would like to surrender the onslaught keeps on coming, This cycle or projects is about complete but some will linger for most of the early summer. Nothing that tires me more than catching up and redoing what should have been done. But taking confidence in small steps for what has gotten done and eventually more will fall into that list. Been trying to find time to visit with friends and establish some new friends but that reliability is hard for me to hold onto, I let so many things order my life i seldom get control. looks like we will be moving this summer not sure where to, but within the area. Unfortunatly we are in the must sell one before we buy one housing market, hard to predict and plan for. Well should be back at the grind to finish the day. Lets all hope for happiness and sanity while love holds us together. take care girls! Tina
to tired to screem
April 2nd, 2008 8:35 am MDT
Ok maybe a bit dramatic but it is how I feel of late. The whole house redo thing is about done and good thing to cause my hands, back and as# are all about to give up from the constant 24/7 work. just been feeling pretty trapped again and really lonely, seeing as what social contacts I had sort of droped off last fall due to just craziness in life. I had a little quick dressing session( yes I know it technicaly breaks abstinace after 3 years) but not made up. Oh gosh I didn't like the images looking almost round bellied and old. Not certainly the present I wanted as I prepare to turn 46 in a couple weeks. With all the friction around home and with the wife and boy and I butting heads constantly it all seems broken. Maybe when we move and have time to be rational and hopeful it will get better. Great work wants an over due project done yesterday so they can look good to customers. not my fault equipment specs were disregarded and wiring is in the wrong place. got to go girls love you all.Tina
eeek it is another year
January 30th, 2008 1:38 pm MST
Yes wow not much going on in life but hoping to make some sort of managable contacts with friends this year. but life is just, well life full and fast. Am i wrong to want friends and to want to be a friend with all the limitations my life and abstinance puts on a friendly relationship? I realize i have never been good at the personal relationship thing but i am older and somewhat slower now and have well less fear of some connection with people and a better ability to mange keeping in contact and being a friend instead of just being a hero who needs an ear to bend. And to update abstinance is a little thin of late, bought two turtle necks and some slacks. Thinking of getting my wigs out and ready to wear! might forego the makeup. One because I can not afford the expense and two it is what got me caught last time. Those evil red lips, not the first man done in by lipstick traces but not on the collar. Well i am ok just battling a bad cold. And trying to get ready to see if the home will sell, lots of projects to finish. The new house will not have the fools endless list of "to do" items. hugs to all stay warm. Tina
more truma
November 11th, 2007 11:37 pm MST
Ok I am sure by now many who read this will "oh Jezz move on stop the tabloid life" well I seem paralyzed at times. I am still doing fine fighting the urges to dress. I have my moments of slipping, some partial dressing, some shopping and lots of craving. But I also enjoy the home life and my family. planning a move possibly this spring just to change school districts for my son so he can get the resources he needs to succed. No child left behind has ment to some that no one should do less than anyone else. So the schools goal is not to have A through F students but to work and spend all the resources on making everyone a C or D student, anything better is beyond their conrol and focus. Wel moving means a lot of things need to be done so not much time o be Tina mentaly. But claring closets suddenly seem like revaluing everything and loking at the past as either foundation to build on or anchor to drag along. maybe some of the personalities i have are like that two what does Tina do What does he do for me. Just tired and lonely. Tina
Crashing
September 19th, 2007 12:48 pm MDT
Ok It has been a long month work and family issues just constantly 24/7 And that really doesn't help control my urges to dress. Had some lunches with girls and that was good but lately haven't ben able to make it. have had good time with my wife we even had wonderful intamacy (physical) a bit back. But I just am imploding just spent a long lunch driving around wanting to dress, wanting that incredably wonderful feeling. The hug of smotth clothing the thought that I am important and desireable not utiliarian and productive. But confusion and lack of available details made it just depressing so now i am back at the office wanting the only other pleasure I seem to be able to aquire at will.... food sweet and rich. maple frosting is preferred but anything non-dairy will do, heck last week i ate two small baguets of french bread and butter because it felt good to want and to have. Yes this makes dieting a bit trick at times but dicipline creeps in and i stop or never start. Can I do this forever want everything and have nothing. I mean want to be me and want to preserve my family that is important to me. I think i know why so many lees persons were out in the old days and so many were mad and cruel and mean as hell. Wanting and not having could do it to you if your mind does not understand the sacrifice and real value of everytthing you have. well off to sugar. hey anyone in LA area check out a band called Thee make out party pretty cool retro 70's stuff. Now where is that sugar? Tina
nothing going
August 28th, 2007 9:36 pm MDT
Ok well thing are going but not in the intimate me world. Plenty busy at husbanding, home ownering fathering and working all to the exclusin of being. O so it is not the poster child for not dresing and happy to be so and save the impression of a marriage. I am not happy every lttle minute and unhappy about far more than my lack of female attire. I have started to expand my social groups a bit, I had a wonderful lunch with a couple of girls the other week and that was great. Does it make me want to dress more? I don't think so any more than i do anyway the deisre is latent and about what else is or iss not in my world or mental state. The wife is talking more about how when I am motivated for intanacy she could care less, and that she and Dr. have discussed it to a bit. She is trying so maybe when that 30 second window of female desire strikes I can have some oportunity. What do I feel about having to only be liked when she is hormonaly receptive? Does her ability to restrict my expression go that deep, where is the giving it almost seems like pity when it is convenient! Suddenly heer feeling bad about it is shallow or maybe not? would I want her to humor me and just be there when I was motivated and she could care less? well off to bed.More mixed up and less resolved.
hanging on
July 30th, 2007 7:46 am MDT
Ok so I will be the one remembered for never quiting never commiting and all the upheaval inbetween. it has been another month no dressing but lots of thinking about it. but one look at my son and my wife and it is hard to imagine trashing the good things. it is hard to be so alone since my friends i used to lunch with have had to withdraw from circulation, really lonely. been thinking of meeting some more friends in saint louis if anyone I find has that daytime availability and is just up for socializing and some girl talk but nothing down and dirty. i know it is rare but i have to hope that some midddle ground can eveolve and sustain me for the future. to those who have been my friends and still are you really are a great force of good in day to day life.Well back to work. Tina
still here
June 28th, 2007 10:20 pm MDT
well it has been a while but just busy with life and summer kicking my backside. leave for new york saturday for a week with the family on the road, and trying to be excited since it is my distant but only family we are visiting after ays in the city. But work may be sending me to Pittsburg PA for a couple of days, Any one know any gathering points there? well late nap time for this kid. Did sort of drop a toe off the wagon last week came home with a bra and boots from storage and did ome photo shots will post if they pass the gag test. huggs to all Tina.
Question of mother
May 2nd, 2007 9:33 am MDT
For those who read and know my recent history you may see the importance and confusion of the following entry. I am saddened but not incredibly so, but again separated by my emotinon by something unsure inside myself. Well been sort of weird last couple of days, My mother passed away, not unexpected but not totally expected to ever happen. She had been severely ill with Alzheimer's for many years but tough and ornery as always. Then the call comes. And even with all the therapy and all the knowledge that I have so many things I deal with that come from the environment she created when I was little. I Really got and get melancholy about MOM. I think there is some thought that despite whatever Am or do she would / have to love me. But that wasn't her, she is the one who was judgmental and condemning and vicious and who i strove to agree with and fit in with. The person who I feared confronting my wants and feeling to, so i denied having any of my own. But she loved me and protected me, and she always said she couldn't not love me no matter what I did, how wrong or unpopular I would always be her dear son. Funny My wife insisted i take a day of mourning off from work even though the plan for mothers passing was in place and no services are being held until a later date. She was waiting for me to be emotional, maybe wanting me to be emotional as she and her family are. I don't I cry alone and never easily, never for long. neither does my sister. My with later in the day was worried if I didn't get this out that it could be a trigger and I would dress again, and she didn't want that to happen. I told her no it is not what makes me dress, I now understand more of what is involved, It could be when i am inclined to dress but not why. I dress when I feel lost, alone and without my needs being meet. When i feel wanting to be needed to be free to be open to be sexy to be provocative to be happy and open and desirable. to be liked and what i desire. Underneath all that i sense something about sensuality and how that is connected to freedom and value and the only expression of personal pleasure. funny I think of sensuality and sexuality as my first refuge of pleasure and gratification. It is mine no one Else's' and what i want others to give to me not there pleasure but mine. That is how the relation to dominance fits in they command me to have my pleasure, not theirs. I need approval, acceptance and safety for my personal expression to be allowed. Shit that is mom again her views of men and women. Men are beast who only are good for money and only value women for sex. and women are victimized by me and only have sex to trade for security and respect to the highest bidder. Sorry it got personal but this is helpful today. Tina
Ok, no asteroids
April 16th, 2007 8:39 am MDT
Well Survived turning 45 just fine despite the feeling of the perverbial poke in the eye with the sharp stick. Yes Had some eye thing start friday and saturday i had to find a emergency eye doctor visit. Seems at 45 my eye lid glads backed up and exploded in the eye lid swells up and hurts like getting punched and looks less that pretty, but on the mend. Spent the days just playing with the family and eating every chance i could. relaxed and spent time playing baseball with my son and his friends even bought my own glove for sundays game. Who would have thought what I got for my birthday was a 22 dollar glove and a priceless day with 1o year olds. have a great week. I am gonna go play catch at lunch maybe, you should too. Can you field in heels? Tina
45 oh my
April 10th, 2007 7:40 am MDT
Well been some crisis approaching 45 for yours truely. lets see two weeks ago i was feeling weak and temping just dressing some, didn't have much left but put the basics in a bag in the car trunk corset, breast forms, sweater, bra and wig. carried it arond all week thinking could I and is it really going to be what i want? The answere was not really partial dressing last time just didn't cut it and didn't fill that want hole in my soul. friday came and i was ready to give it up, i had made the week and didn't need / want to dress that way. But I didn't take the bag out just the wig to put back in the closet/ hiding. Got home wife wanted to go to dinner and we were both in a good mood and she even wanted to kiss me! She wanted me to drive in my car but it was full of other work stuff and so i started to clean out stuff and relocate some into the trunk. When my wonderfull inqizitive son see's a bag he doesn't recognize and goes for it, I freak he tries again against my demands that it is nothing . Finally i just slam the trunk he is emotionally upset i was hiding something and somps off. My wife witnessed the whole thing. Asks Is that what I think it is? yes I have to admitt but i didn't wear anything i was just a really rough week and i thought about it. Well the ears went closed the happiness faded and the silence of anger rose. we wnet to dinner. her angry and feeling betrayed, me angry at myself for being sloppy and hurting my family, i was physically nausious . At dinner i excusssed my self and disposed of the bag in a dumpster to avoid having to potentially produce the objects to show my wife. I don't think since she can't talk about the idea she is at all ready to see my breast form or corset. But i was not really sad by the loss there was some sense that maybe it was time. be sides the breast forms were somehting handed down cheap and the corset sadly was a bit small.. but it certainly killed my trust level with wife and with myself i think too. i am turning 45 and more so than usuall i just don't want to want anything. i am deep in that fear of what will it mean and will the risk of wanting reallly bring me happiness i want. Again i think i ahve seen my wife as more in the light of my mother, that controlling figure I need approval from than my lover and spouse. So i am hiding in my closet a scared child afreaid of declaring what i want, no afraid to want for fear of being denied and held powerless. If i do not want i will not be controled so the logic goes. well just thought i would share. it has been a long two weeks since that and i have bben on my best behavior, she is still silent and cold. I thought about her comments about how can she trust me? well she can to be me loyal loving and dependable and stable but not to only be what she wants or accepts me to be. i am a little angry at being expected to define my self in her expectations and forfillment. tina
more from later
March 28th, 2007 12:03 pm MDT
well it has been some week(s) the urges the attempts to remain balanced and self analyze what is behind the urge to dress. The feeling of will I ever be able to have some peace with the beast or urges? Wondering if I am foolish for trying to hold it all together to give things time to work out? what additional psychic deformities am I at risk of creating by this abstinence and self imposed exile, i know it is about being sure and being honest in communicating to my wife but is deprivation making me like her any more, or able to more openly talk to her-No not yet. I miss analysis because of that that other person to talk to that safe relationship. It is hard to emulate that on my own, the external candor and perspective neutral view is slightly biased as i ask Why? how? What do I feel? I am also torn because I want social contact with those who understand what I want but part of me is not sure how it would be to be amongst sisters in Boy mode. Suddenly It is not about being pretty but fearing being what I could be , a middle aged male admiring nice friendly female appearing persons it goes to the heart of why I dress. Well one of many aspects I want to be attractive as I see attractive and desirable and in control or free to be sensual. So The dynamics are confused and lonely. Time to focus on some diversion as the brain gets foggy. Tina
Am I an idiot
March 28th, 2007 7:43 am MDT
Well not exactly but having one of those months for me slipping back into desire to dress and escape the helplessness I create in my life. i want pleasure and delicacy but i don't want to tear my family apart. Am I an idiot to think I can manage this beast for a very long time. That some day the choice for imediate happiness won't be heels and garters? yes i miss analysis but only because there was someone to talk to not that it really did anything but it was a relationship where I felt safe and could say Man i really want a corset and dress today i need to be special and my male self Is not special just busy. If this is what addiction recovery is like then no wonder so many get nasty attitudes and find other vices to substitute with. well work calls and today it is distraction better than my own needs
self medicating
March 8th, 2007 9:41 pm MST
Ok well not really medicating but thinking how hard it s day to day to deal with all the crap in life and especially mine with all my warped perspectives. And to add to that the dicotomy of trying to be ME and handle stress but don't do what you want to do to handle stress because it is a result of some oddly formed mental, chemical misunderstanding. Wait isn't everyone pone to some comfort or retreat that is made in them by some mental side step, the hot bath for instance doesn't really make you stronger or more wise but doesn't seem odd to anybody. I want to give myself permission to dress and to deserve the release from it but i also don't want to be above board to my wife she will condem it and our relationship. rally it is not about our relationship it is about her insecurity and feeling threatened by my exuality and my being possibly attractive to someone besides her. She feels unattractive and questions how i could want to love her but it is attitude not dress size that connects to the sex brain of this crossdresser. I find being loved really sexy and i find someone who is confidant and sexy really attractive reguardless of size, attitude and intention. if i was unhappy with hers exually i would be looking for some woman to have sex with not for my social connection as a look like woman. I want to be attractive in a way i find attractive. well just venting. spring brings so much to watch but so little to hide under for some of us girls is truely a mixed blessing. Tina
stepped off the wagon
February 23rd, 2007 9:07 am MST
Ok well if you have read my little world here or else where you know that not since october of 2004 have i dressed. i have been in lots of therapy and analysis in order to try and keep my marriage in working order. Analysis revealed lots of issues about why i dressed why i wanted to appear feminine and how much larger issues of feeling unable to control life and pleasure were involved with the fem attire. well the last month has been hellish work is pounding me with extra hours and being constantly behind and feeling i will never master the work I do. home has not been much better the constant of having all this stuff to do to work on the house keep projects moving, keep family time intack and seee my wife and her fledgling business through as technical advisor to her. Oh and my wife has been so moody and sad and angry i just cannot even begin to get close to her for fear she will go off on me or be angry. let alone open up and say i feeel like shit, she most likely would say she has it worse and welcome to the club. well the urges hit the last few weeks then went then came day before yesterday. I pushed i said it wasn't what i really wanted it was all those things in analysis but i was lonely iwas used up i was craving something intimate about me my need to be deirable and in control. So took a lunch, long one at that yesterday. Found my self with my corset and booots in my bag in the car on the way to target, bought some little things swim skirts, tops and offf to the house for a frenzied half hour of hasty dressing no makeup but wig and breasts and corset and lots of little outfits. then a little realease and back to drab and back to work. Some guilt, now i have a secret from my wife again that hurts sort of . i also did not find so much joy in the experience it wasn't the best half hour ever. Adn the lackluster images were no reassurance, not that i should have looked my best former fem self just sadly it was an let down I failed to be what i wanted. And the whole lonely thing it never left and with no images to publish there will me notsharing no acolades of glamour or confidance . So I stepped of that wagon i planned it and stepped right into he mud in the street and there i sat wondering what do i do try harder give up on the hope that WE were going to be ok because I was controling My faults that bothered her. i don't know. Tina
running
January 3rd, 2007 11:54 am MST
well that is how it seems so much has happened in the last months and personal and family issues keep me from settling down to write much of late but briefly. had last foreseeable analysis appointment dec.13, wife has been sick 3 time in six weeks. My Car is dying and i hate shopping for cars feel more unknowing than a guy in a lingerie department, well except a special t-girl/guy. I have been sick since late december. i miss my theapist only as a neutral person to talk to and to give planned introspection i had to stop my day to make the appointment since i pay reguardless, but now she is on leave and i want more trans friendly friends why? Still not talking much with my spouse but trying to make small increases in what we do together and give myself some slack on feeling inadequate. But as she said we barely pass for cohabitating parents of our child since my snooring and sleep issues keep us rooms apart at night. i get depressed when i think about that am i making us both suffer and live a lost life because i won't decide what i want and take her feeelings and move on. i linger in lots of stuff emotionally and physically, see pack rat/ collector and my face might come up. i am afraid to decide anything that doesn't have some rule or external value to be sure i am not wrong. i Can't be wrong it is bad, a failure and why i was really in Analysis. i love you all you brave and scared friends happy new Year to us all, each and every one. Tina
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