URNotAlone

What you really give

December 6th, 2011 10:08 am MST

Well it has been a tough year since losing my sister in the spring. I thought I had some time running errands the other night and trying to get into the holiday spirit thought of what I should get sis to really tell her I love her. Then I realized how hard that would be through streaming tears and long sighs. And I would give almost anything to hear her voice and see her again. While we were geographically separated for the last years we were close and shared a special common past. We had lives unique from that common past things we did and felt so connected to where we came from it was scary and special as adults and we grew to understand who we were and why. The tears come easily since her passing and especially now thinking not only do I not have her voice to hear but the voice of her children seem to have fallen silent as well. They are adults in a chronological sense but answering or returning calls is somehow beyond their sense of family and the immediacy of their lives. I admit I often thought poorly of my sister for living towards her passions and how she dedicated time to those things that she did with friends in shared interests outside family. Upon her passing I saw confirmation of what I was beginning to feel in my own life. I had opted to be the worker bee taking care of business day by day until someday things would be right to do the easy, good, fun pleasurable stuff. She had it right a memorial filled with decades of loving trusted friends who all came to say so long with few regrets of the past and only sorrow about futures not to be shared. Through streaming tears I know I have missed so much so many things I could have done. Now well into middle age and its physical and mental weakness from all the toil of getting things done I know I have less to go than I have been. So to my dear sisters and friends here please know whatever you value think about what it really means and what you truly want and desire. Know trading things you think irreplaceable or important for things that are truly irreplaceable and unique is truly the gift we have the chance to give to ourselves and others. How I reconcile the immediate loving ones in my daily life to the virtual comfort of those who know some of my deepest soul is hard but I have to try and see what is of real value and what treasure is and what just stuff is. Be merry, be giving and love the world. Tina