URNotAlone

Gravity

May 1st, 2008 12:42 pm MDT

Ok, warning If you don't want to haer about life in a boring everyday striff then stop now. this is an entry for just how I vent some days. I feel crappy physically my head hurts my eyes hgurt , yes it is alergies and sinus crud. Back on the meds spring and summer are officially here. The reallity of the house being almost sold and the best new prospect being basementless keeeps pushing "stuff and Things" into the wonderful garage I was excited about. Suddenly everything from the deep freez to the lawn equipment to the son's drum set to all the seasonal decorations etc..... are In the garage. Why because " well when the stuff comes back from storage you are getting rid of a bunch more or yours right!" And this after i have already had to figure on my desk and computer being in the garage since my wife doesn't believ in privacy and has some communal idea we all share her office computer when she is not working or plaaying games or .......  And the list of what needs to be done is getting expensive so some of the labor is going to be mine. yes how many 80 pound landscape wall blocks can I stack Oh about 500 or so! worth something like5,000 dollars off having it done., Pray for a better house this perfect property is not at this time unless the price goes way down so we can have things done. Oh and saving to pay for things over time. the lets live so tight it hurts and we don't have fun or the money to do what we enjoy so we can do what we need. Just bites some days but this will pass as one or the other thing has but right now it feels like a inescapable force crushing me and the reflex to dress is back and I have to deal with that bit of self control too. Long days and just want peace. I have been having some alarming thoughts of late, extreme escapism . Desperate fatasies of anything to be loved and taken care of even acts of intamacy that are not about love but about service and acceptance and protection , not love not desire for the act but the barginning for identity and status. Anyone ever have thoughts like this? well back to the other popular disraction and torture-work. Take care and thanks for listening. Tina