Journal Entries for Paige Ellen Von Lapis
Day to day changes
March 28th, 2006 7:48 am MST
it's funny how things change. There used to be such excitement any day I could find time for Paige. What to wear, how much time to take, how to safeguard against being caught, those sorts of things. My situation has changed so much now that I dress every day and it is just a normal thing. I find myself amused when I talk on line to someone who is still hidden and still finds such a sexual charge in dressing. it stopped being sexual for me fairly quickly. I realized it was much more a part of me than just a sexual turn on. It was about feeling that I was being true to myself. Paige does have very sexual feelings, but just being dressed as Paige does not bring them out. It feels good to care for my body and to dress, it can be very sensual. I like that. But, sexual, no, not really, unless I have chosen an outfit that is particularly erotic in nature, but that is for private moments. I am curious as to how others feel about this sort of shift in self-perception, self-experience.
Changing main photo and adding a gallery
March 24th, 2006 12:19 pm MST
I have decided it is time to just show me. My pics so far were from a year or two ago. I am satisfied with the. However. I have always been hung up about my face. Bettie Page I am not. Pretty I am not. I am just me. And, truth be told, I look like my mother. I imagine that is true for many of us. I look how I look. I had been pressuring myself to meet some kind of standard for beauty that was in my head. I am setting myself free of that. I look how I look and the photos posted in my gallery are me as of 3/24/06. I took them myself, using a tripod and a timer. My camera is just a simple, entry level digital camera. I have not touched the photos up at all. As I said, they are just me, a 55 year old woman in full acceptance of who she is and how she is at this stage in her life. I am pleased with them. If others like them, I will be glad. If they don't, I really don't care. I want to let the URNA community know that I am here to support and be companion to any of my sisters who are walking this path to full acceptance. 'Nuff said for today.
A little something about hosiery and heels
March 23rd, 2006 8:01 am MST
I'm fifty five years old, soon to turn fifty six. When I get comments about my appearance, the almost always focus on my legs and footwear. My first inspiration to dress was my Aunt. She had no children of her own and she and her husband were there for me and my siblings in a very much soul saving way. It was the late fifties and early sixties. Hers were the first clothes I used to indulge the overwhelming desire to dress en femme. Panty hose simply did not exist. Leg wear was all stockings, garter belts or girdles. This has stayed with me. She also had a thing for very high heels. When I tried hers on, I found, at age 12, that I coud walk in them as if born to it. This ability has remained with me to today. I feel so at home and so comfortable in garter hose or thigh highs and heels I wear flats on rare occasions but it is heels that I choose most of the time. There is a sensuality to dressing this way. Sliding a full fashion stocking up my newly shaved and lotioned leg is pure pleasure. The fussing and pulling and gentle tugging is something I savor. Getting them to fit right is not sexual for me, but it is purely sensual. I am taken back to those times when I was able to catch a glimpse my aunt dressing in her room. For whatever reason, it is one of those things that brings me the feeling of being a woman. (One other behavior is painting my toenails, go figure) I love the way full fashion hose feel and I love the way they look, especially when they catch the lightof the sun, or candle light.... Flashing my skirt so I give a quick glimpse of stocking top and garter is a favorite way of flirting. I just wanted to share this and hope I will get comments on it. Blessings to all, Paige
Spiro and such
March 17th, 2006 7:50 am MST
I find myself reflective today on St. Patrick's Day. It was always a big day in my oh so Catholic childhood in the fifties and sixties as he was the Patron Saint of my parish. It was, obviously, an Irish Catholic parish and it was located north of Boston in the Merrimac Valley. My education was entirely Catholic through high school. I lived with the forbidden desire to dress, which I indulged in secret, taking advantage of having the key to a favorite aunt and uncle's home. They had no children and were crucial as second parents to me and my siblings. My aunt, according to my male friends, was "hot." She looked and dressed, to some degree, like Bettie Page. I found I could wear her clothes easily, always black bra, panties, garter belt and hose. (For you youngsters who may be reading this, pantyhose didn't exist yet.) I also discovered that I could walk in her very high heels as if I was born to them. I have joked, given my physical appearance, that I look like a linebacker with Tina Turner's legs. I grew up in a world dominated by women. My mother, my aunt, the nuns, they held the power. Freud spoke of penis envy. I had breast envy. Breasts and heels meant power to me. Given the nuns also wore black... I have a thing for black shoes and hose. As I reached much later life, I came to terms with the reality that I was transgendered and not transexual. I had no desire for surgery and testing showed it was not a good idea for me. Fate, however, gave me a heart condition that required certain medications. One of them, it turned out, was Aldactone, known generically as spironolactone. It helped a lot. It also had a side effect, specifically, gynecomastia, or breasts on the male person. I later learned that "spiro" was a transition drug used by some pre-op transexuals. I found myself having something I had desired so strongly as a teenage and young man. I have to admit, I am still not sure how I feel about it. Paige loves it and wants them to grow larger, or course, being American. However, my male self is ambivalent. I am almost a B cup and I am aware of my breasts in the oddest of moments, because, despite only being a B or so, they do make themselves known. I also now have to be careful what I wear when going out as my male persona, which I must do from time to time. I just wanted to write this. I do hope that some will read it and comment as I am hungry for comment and connection with my sisters, a reason I joined URNA to begin with. So, that's it for today.
warm smile of contentment
March 16th, 2006 8:14 am MST
I'm starting this journal today after much thought and some trepidation. I'm sure many of you know the struggles we go through, the loneliness of this sexuaity/orientation. I am posting this particular picture with this name because it was taken and thus represents the period of my self-acceptance and coming out. It was taken the day after I first viewed the world as Paige and allowed the world to see me. I don't think I have ever felt so free in my life. I know I have never felt more myself. The picture was taken outside of the Glamour Boutique in Auburn, Mass. Many of you have been there and many have ordered from them online. What a little bit of heaven it is, to be able to shop and only be helped cheerfully, with no looks of wonder or amusment or rejection. I am sure they have helped uncountable numbers of my sisters. The pic here was taken completely spontaneously by a very good friend. I am wearing no make up and had just gone out as any woman would, just wanting to shop, intending to impress no one, no thought given to being noticed or not noticed. I call it a warm smile of contentment because that is what I was feeling at the time. The zip up "hoodie" I'm wearing is from Liz Clairborne and is a favorite "comfort" item. Okay, that's my first entry. More soon.
