Journal Entries for Laura Martine Smart
2008 bluless holiday
December 30th, 2008 8:31 pm MST
Well I have just about made it. The holidays are close to officially over and I have not sunk into the deepest darkest blue funk of the year. I may have had it going on all along the past 4 months I don’t know, there has been a steady stream of daily napping/ staying up until 1 AM or later and still up fairly early. Can’t sleep? Impossible, have enough psycho meds to knock out a Clydesdale I take at bed time- oh I suppose I could wake up just as soon as the last molecule of meds is processed enough to let my depression driven insomnia over power the drug induced sleep/ nah……
Just the same I managed to keep busy with the work search, the silliest busy work and planning and executing dinner for twelve on Christmas. Mom is basically having me be the chief cook and bottle washer/ house keeper/ and everything you can get out of me. She has been on vacation for months and I have enjoyed cooking again for the first time in forever.
My normal new years eve is in bed by my self with Lonesome Dove and a Papa Johns Pizza. That’s a 6 hour movie and I am free free bumble bee.
This year is still up in the air. I may have my brother to hang with. Eat the pizza, watch a movie or two, belly ache about life’s BS. // I may go out if he doesn’t come over // I may not. Nothing much of anything,,,, not tripping on any of it. Have just become numb to it all I guess but nothing is bothering me this year. It’s ok.
Then come the new year who knows. I keep putting one foot in front of the other until?
Hope it works that way for you too. Best of the best to you.
lonely is not just a word
November 24th, 2008 10:44 am MST
when i hear someone use the word lonely my heart aches. i understand what they are saying, i feel what they are implying, the aloneness that is ever present, the abyss of emptiness / non companionship / no one calling you to say i am almost home should i pick up milk? is there anything else "we" need? there usually is no "we"
choose to live happy i am told, get busy living or get busy dying. uh, any other choices here? i choose to be loved. i am a wonderful person. i don't like bars, i don't drink, drunks are boring and after an hour or so of hanging out it is mind numbing to be there. is there any place else to find similar souls? on line ? uh, really? really? i have been trying to find friends and also just that one person who might want a real person in their life like me for so long i can't remember the beginning of the journey anymore.
there is a great big fantasy market out there. men perpetually want that barbie looking gal with a 10 inch member that stands at attention with the rigidity of a steel fence post, they enjoy the traditional chase, the pursuit, the eventual conquering/ basking momentarily in the conquest.... then .....if a variation on this theme exists it's that these particularly popular gurls have the choices to enjoy sexual encounters of a wide variety.
i suggest=Sex is what you got between your legs and Gender is what's going on between your ears.
expecting life to have certain outcomes will lead to dissapointments i get that, and that will lead to associated feelings such as loneliness.
so i suppose in general we should expect nothing and be our own best friend.
think i'll hit the ben and jerrys cherry garcia in the freezer and watch old movies and be my best friend tonight.
