Kellie
Journal Entries for Kellie
11.22.09
November 22nd, 2009 6:56 pm MST
He's your oldest and your best friend
If you need him he'll be there again.
He's always willing to be second best
A perfect lodger, a perfect guest...
-Beautiful Loser, Bob Seger
A worthy ethos.
Sipping on a Cisco Brewing Captain Swain's Extra Stout this evening while basking in the glow of a Patriots W over the New Jersey Jets... First; I am seriously behind in catching up on calls, email, IMs, etc... My mom has been having an on-going (unrelated to her recent flu bout) health issue of late and between getting her to various doctors' appointments, tests, even an ER trip, making sure she's comfy and has what she needs at home as well as my usual full and busy days, time has been at an extreme premium the last week+. They're not really sure yet just what exactly is going on with her. I will get caught up soon- my thanks to those friends who have commiserated and offered their support :)
But one- sorta!- funny one from the ER trip last weekend (apropos for here.) So we're just about to finally leave the hospital last Saturday evening, and I wanted to go to the bathroom before hitting the road. So I walk down the hallway to where the restrooms are and start to head in to take a leak. There's this guy standing in the hallway and as I head in he says (in accented English, natch) "No no, that the wrong room." So I'm thinking ok, maybe I read the sign wrong, it'd been a long and stressful day, so I step back to ck the signs, make sure I have the right room- I do- and start to had in when again he says "No no, that the wrong room. That mens room not ladies room." Now, I'm en drab, with a long-sleeved t-shirt and running pants (I don't work en femme nor do I have to dress up for Sat. @ work) all the fashion sense of Bill Belichick on game day! Honest to God, I do NOT believe I look particularly feminine when en drab! But this, being "reverse-read", has been happening quite a bit lately. My hair isn't especially long, maybe short soccer-momish length (it's been longer, tho' maybe not as well cut/styled) nor am I waif-thin (I'm reasonably fit, but not skinny/scrawny.) While on one level it is flattering, or at least affirming, on another it can be a lil awkward when not expected, or intended. (I eventually turned/looked full-on @ him and he finally caught his "miss"take.) But I guess it does beat the alternative, being "sir'd" while en femme!
What else...
What I'm Reading Now: How We Decide, Jonah Lehrer.
“Cash or credit? Punt or go for first down? Deal or no deal? Life is filled with puzzling choices. Reporting from the frontiers of neuroscience and armed with riveting case studies of how pilots, quarterbacks, and others act under fire, Jonah Lehrer presents a dazzlingly authoritative and accessible account of how we make decisions, what’s happening in our heads as we do so, and how we might all become better ‘deciders.’ Luckily, this one’s a no-brainer: Read this book." (Note: Ch. 1 deals with Tom Brady's QB decision-making processes!)
College hoops season has started and with that more wagering opportunities (and work!) for me. As mentioned above, time has been at a premium, haven't had as much time to prognosticate as I'd like/usually do (this goes for pro and college football as well as college hoops) but I have nevertheless gotten off to a profitable start on the- early- hoops season (no comments from the Dayton Flyers Booster Club!) as well as maintained a winning edge on football. As I've mentioned before, this isn't just a hobby or for fun; I depend on this as part of my income... Just need a larger bankroll! (And one for any other degenerates reading this: Failing economy, successful bettors hurting Las Vegas books Beat the books-online, too!)
Been doing a little shopping recently, nuthin' major, a new suede skirt and two tops, as well as a sweater dress... have my eye on a couple of pieces of- inexpensive- new jewelry as well (anyone wants to buy me a piece, feel free!)
I've mentioned it before, but Thanksgiving may be my favorite holiday, even moreso than Christmas. Invariably there is more stress, more pressure, simply more activity surrounding Christmas; Thanksgiving is pretty much just a lower-keyed, one-day shot. It's everything I like best, the Five F's; family, friends, food, fall, football! (On the last score, my old high school eleven is limping to the end of a- so far- winless season. They haven't even scored in over half their games this year- yikes. However, a win Thursday would cover a multitude of losses.)
Enjoy your Thanksgiving!
"When you realize you just don't need it all..."
11.09.09
November 9th, 2009 7:01 pm MST
Been battling what has been a nasty cold (I hope) I've had for a few days now; my mom had had the flu and between doing for her I hope I didn't catch that. This has been a mostly lotta snuffling, sneezing, coughing, drippy nose kinda deal. Annoying, and certainly not attractive, but hopefully nothing more. What sucks is that I almost never get sick; this is the first anything I've had in I can't even remember how long, a few years at least (all my good, clean living... shure, Kel.) Missed a few runs and workouts, too :( The weather here has been really up-and-down the last several days, from blustery and cold a few days ago to sunny, mild almost 70 degrees yesterday and today ("You know, this is the cold and flu season!") I did get a nice offer of some TLC :) Feelin' a lil better; hoping one more early night will knock it out.
The change of weather also had/has me going thru my wardrobe a lil bit, putting away what won't be- too- practical for the next several months and pulling out what is. It's also put me in a serious shopping frame of mind again- I have a few items on my radar screen...
But I hope I can afford 'em- a good week ATS on the collegiate side was all-but wiped out by my worst week of the season on the professional side. My own fault; for the last two weeks I really haven't had as much time to do my homework as I usually do, I should have pulled back the throttle a bit. For any other degenerates reading this: college wins Va. Tech -11.5, Northwestern +17.5, Pitt -21, Miami -12.5 (went heavier on that one!), Clemson -8; losses Michigan -3.5, Penn St. -3.5. Pro wins Seattle -10, Tennessee +4; losses Jax -6.5, Baltimore -2.5, Indy -9, NE -10 (missed the push by a 1/2 pt) Green Bay -10, NYG -3 (fell in the last minute), Phila -2.5. Ugh. Still well up for the season, tho'...
But things are, on balance, going pretty well for this gal of late... but no one needs to know right now ;)
In the midst of senseless violence, heroism shines through: Her courage makes us all proud
What I'm Reading Now: Outliers: The Story of Success, Malcolm Gladwell.
10 on shuffle...
Wear Your Love Like Heaven, Donovan
Unchained, Van Halen
Sleep Warm, Stacey Kent
Surf Boogie, Aqua Velvets
Ordinary Average Guy, Joe Walsh
Colorado Girl, Steve Earle
Tusk, Fleetwood Mac
Red Blooded Woman, Kylie Minogue
Born On The Bayou, CCR
Wild Rover, Dropkick Murphys
"And it's no, nay, never/No nay never no more/Will I play the wild rover/No never, no more..."
Little Lies
November 4th, 2009 3:13 pm MST
Little Lies, Fleetwood Mac
If I could turn the page
In time then I'd rearrange just a day or two
Close my, close my, close my eyes
But I couldn't find a way
So I'll settle for one day to believe in you
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies
Oh, no, no you can't disguise
You can't disguise, no you can't disguise
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
Although I'm not making plans
I hope that you understand there's a reason why
Close your, close your, close your eyes
No more broken hearts
We're better off apart let's give it a try
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies
Oh, no, no you can't disguise
You can't disguise, no you can't disguise
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
If I could turn the page
In time then I'd rearrange just a day or two
Close my, close my, close my eyes
But I couldn't find a way
So I'll settle for one day to believe in you
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies...
11.01.09
November 1st, 2009 7:07 pm MST
Hoping everyone had a fun and enjoyable Halloween (I worked, ugh... or should I say boo?)
Slowly catching up on calls, email, messages, etc... still have a ways to go. Just been a superbusy week for me, time has been at an absolute premium... I saw these when I was at CVS earlier today; Christmas is coming! (Yes, I'm a geek... but they're less risque than this!)
Speaking of football, a decent week ATS; not my best, but a winning week, and I'll take it, given that I didn't have as much time to spend on it as I usually do. College picks: winners Cincinnati -15, BC -4, Wisconsin -6.5, Ga. Tech -11.5, Penn St. -13.5 (I went heavier on Wisconsin and Ga. Tech, yay!) losers West Va. -3, Miami -7, Michigan -7, Michigan St. -3.5. Pro picks: winners Chicago -13, Houston -3, Tenn -3, Oakland +17.5, Minnesota +3; losers Indy -11.5, NYJ -3. Still mulling if I want to get down on the NO-Atlanta game tomorrow night...
Some more news you can lose...
Right-wing women rock: Come for the culture war ... stay for the chicks!
Works for me! (Easy lefties, it's just satire... :)
The healthiest places for women
New England cities fare pretty well (#12. Boston-Quincy, MA)
And not necessarily news but an item I found thoughtful:
What Works: Baggage Letting go of our burdens
I'm looking at a lil down time later this week... for some reason this one has been rattlin' 'round in my head a lil bit...
No One Needs To Know, Shania Twain
Am I dreamin' or stupid?
I think I've been hit by Cupid
But no one needs to know right now
I met a tall, dark and handsome man
And I've been busy makin' big plans
But no one needs to know right now
I got my heart set, my feet wet
And he don't even know it yet
But no one needs to know right now
I'll tell him someday some way somehow
But I'm gonna keep it a secret for now
I want bells to ring, a choir to sing
The white dress the guests the cake the car the whold darn thing
But no one needs to know right now
I'll tell him someday some way somehow
But I'm gonna keep it a secret for now
We'll have a little girl a little boy
A little Benji we call Leroy
But no one needs to know right now
And I'm not lonely anymore at night
And he don't know only only he can make it right
I'm not dreamin' or stupid
But boy have I been hit by Cupid
But no one needs to know right now
No one needs to know right now...
(Hey- it beats Don't Fear The Reaper! ;)
10.30.09
October 30th, 2009 6:23 pm MDT
I have several calls, emails, messages, etc... to catch up on- just been flat out most of this week. Besides all of the usual my mom has come down with a touch of the flu, so between everything else and travelling to and from to see/get what she may need there time has been at an extreme premium this week. Not complainin', just explainin'...
Be patient with me- I'll catch up soon :)
"Sometimes I feel/Like I been tied to the whipping post/Good Lord, I feel like I'm dyin'..."
10.25.09
October 25th, 2009 6:16 pm MDT
Sunday evening sipping on an Ipswich Oatmeal Stout and wondering how many times I'll hear Monster Mash this week...
My newest good/bad snack: Ostrim sticks! I like the pepper ones best: 80 calories, 14g of protein, 2g of carbs. You can find 'em at your local GNC...
I found this one: HOW TO SNOOP INTO A PERSONALITY kinda interesting. I'm not sure what my "stuff" says about me- hopefully something good! I often wish I could read others' agendas, intentions, motivations, etc... better. Sometimes I don't know if I'm too jaded or too naive regarding others- I'm pretty much a WYSIWYG kinda gal...
drinkboston.com is a good website for bars, bartenders, & imbibing in beantown as they put it... Another website I recommend: The Frisky... This isn't good: The Boston Police Department is investigating a report of a sexual assault on a female victim early this morning in the Fenway. Some will ask what was she doing alone in the Fens at that hour, and yes, everyone should always be cognizant of their surroundings. But people ought to be able to come and go as they wish, at any hour they wish. Hopefully the perps will be apprehended.
Another good win by the Pats today, 35-7 over Tampa Bay, in London... A very good week ATS: on the collegiate side, winners Fla. St. +3, Rutgers -10, Syracuse -10, Ga. Tech -5, Penn St. -4, Pitt -6.5, Iowa +2 (hadda sweat that one out!); losers West Va. -7, Northwestern -4.5. On the professional side, winners Green Bay -7 and -9, Indy -13, San Diego -5, NYJ -6, NO -6.5; losers Chicago +1, Carolina -7, and SF on the push at +3, with NYG -7 and Phila. -7 yet to play. I had someone who was a lil surprised at the effort I put into this, as well as the fact that it's not simply a hobby but a part of my income stream- sometimes I feel like I spend time here like other spend following the stock ticker; not all that different when you think about it... College hoops will be starting up next month, too.
Whaddya gonna do...
"Well don't skip romance 'cause you're old enough to/Dance the night away..."
News you can lose...
October 20th, 2009 1:01 pm MDT
Coming soon to a theater near you: The Boondock Saints II- All Saints Day
The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day is the much-anticipated sequel to the indie cult classic, The Boondock Saints. The film is the continuation of writer/director Troy Duffy’s tough, stylized cutting edge saga of the MacManus brothers (Norman Reedus, Sean Patrick Flanery). The two have been in deep hiding with their father, Il Duce (Billy Connolly), in the quiet valleys of Ireland, far removed from their former vigilante lives. When word comes that a beloved priest has been killed by sinister forces from deep within the mob, the brothers return to Boston to mount a violent and bloody crusade to bring justice to those responsible. With a new partner in crime (Clifton Collins Jr., Star Trek) and a sexy FBI operative (Julie Benz, TV's “Dexter”) hot on their trail…the Saints are back!
Scheduled to open October 30...
Killer plucks at judge’s heartstrings
Still roots for taxpayer-funded hair removal
How can we miss you if you won't go away?
I've opined on that individual before. While I realize it may get me kicked out of the Sisterhood I have no sympathy for that individual, for that person's plight. Kosilek states the “painful truth . . . that I am essentially alone when those in control decide that money or political expedience are more important than my suffering.” No, you are "essentially alone" and not in control and are "suffering" because you committed murder, you strangled your wife. There are many transgender women (not to mention GGs) in Massachusetts who might like hair removal on the commonwealth's dime who haven't committed murder, yet that clown has the nerve to demand the taxpayers pony up for theirs?! (And it's also worth asking just who is footing the bill for Kosiliek's hormone therapy? I know I pay for my own... ah, our tax dollars at work.) Folks such as Kosilek- and her supporters- do transgender individuals no favors; they create the fodder others use to scorn us. Hopefully Judge Mark L. Wolf will deny this motion as he did Kosilek's previous one...
New medical marijuana policy issued
The Obama administration will not seek to arrest medical marijuana users and suppliers as long as they conform to state laws, under new policy guidelines to be sent to federal prosecutors Monday.
A small step- but a step nevertheless- forward in creating some sanity in our drug laws. I've stated before; while I'm not a recreational illicit drug user- my substance of choice comes in a bottle; smoking, snorting, or shooting aren't my things- government has no right to proscribe which substances adults may choose to ingest, whether medicinally or recreationally. (Of course, concomitant with that, individuals who run into trouble as a result of the substances they choose to ingest have no right to expect that their fellow citizens, via government, must care for them due to their choice. With rights come responsibilites.) But on this one- being the fair and balanced kinda gal that I am!- an 'attaboy to the Obama Administration.
Govt.-Run Health Care Isn't the Answer
Sen. Tom Coburn, M.D., and GOProud's Christopher R. Barron say that the inefficiencies of the Ryan White CARE Act suggest that a government-run program is not the key to quality health care.
Worth considering for the open-minded...
Nippy run this am- brrrrrrrr! And a good workout @ the gym a lil while ago, felt good...
What I'm Reading Now: Southland, Nina Revoyr
This one's been rattling around in my head the last few days (wish it were Stairway To Heaven that was rattling around, but... ;)
One, U2
Is it getting better, or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you, now you got someone to blame?
You say one love, one life, when it's one need in the night.
One love, we get to share it
Leaves you baby if you don't care for it.
Did I disappoint you or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love and you want me to go without.
Well, it's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.
We're one, but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other... one
Have you come here for forgiveness,
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus to the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much, more than a lot
You gave me nothing, now it's all I got.
We're one, but we're not the same.
Well, we hurt each other, then we do it again.
You say love is a temple, love a higher law
Love is a temple, love the higher law.
You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on to what you got, when all you got is hurt.
One love, one blood, one life, you got to do what you should.
One life with each other: sisters, brothers.
One life, but we're not the same.
We get to carry each other, carry each other.
One...
10.18.09
October 18th, 2009 6:08 pm MDT
Sippin' on a Sam Adams Cream Stout (or two!) on a raw, rainy/snowy Sunday evening... and it's been cold this past week! I don't mind it in the fall, it can be kinda nice, a nip in the air (tho' not the rain- yuck.) It's January... and February... and March... and on into April and it's still cold and raw here that sucks! If someone wants to invite me for a weekend getaway to Florida this winter, I'm listening! ;)
If anyone still wants to check out my website you have maybe a week left to do so! Geocities is ending their free web site hosting later this week, meaning my site will no longer be accessible. (Yes, I'm cheap.) I never did as much with it as I would have preferred (I don't believe I've even updated it in months) time constraints- and laziness- being the primary reasons. But it was a good service they offered, for several years. I'll open a Flickr account for any and all pics, past, present, and future, and keep profiles on Yahoo, Facebook, URNA, perhaps a few others... as well as my blog (here!)
A few folks have remarked that I've been sparing in much political commentary recently. This is true, for a few reasons. As anyone who knows me (or has read this blog) knows, I didn't support nor vote for President Obama- his politics are not mine. (This was the first Presidential election that I didn't vote Republican, tho'- I voted Libertarian.) But I've been willing to give Obama time, give him some benefit of doubt, even as I've had differences with his policies and proposals already; I refuse to be like the knee-jerk (emphasis upon jerk) critics of President Bush, who seemingly criticized his every waking breath, blamed almost every ill in the world upon him, almost from the minute he won (yes, won!) the tight Florida vote to win the Presidency back in 2000. Also, while his politics are not mine, I find Obama- as I found Bush- to be a fairly likable, amiable sort. I want to support my President (and unlike the extreme anti-Bush nutjobs, I do consider Obama to be my President, even tho' I didn't vote for him) as best I can. And he did inherit some problems (as every President does.) But it is his baby now, and he will be deserving of criticism as warranted.
A truly dominating performance by my Pats in the snow of Foxboro this afternoon! (It wasn't snowing in Boston, nor @ my mom's, just a few towns away from Foxboro.) 59-0, 600+ yards of offense, obviously a shutout defensively. Nice to see- go Pats! And for any fellow degenerates out here; a so-so week ATS, been grinding out enuf to make a steady profit so far this season, continue to pay some bills, and put a small amount back in my bankroll (need a bigger win, tho'!) College plays: winners Cincinnati -2.5, Pitt -3, Miami -14, UConn -10, Northwestern +14; losers Ohio St. -13, Minnesota +17.5, Va. Tech -3. Pro plays were lackluster: winners NE -9, Carolina -3, GB -14; losers Cincinnati -4.5, NYG +3.5, Seattle -2.5... I hope yours went well!
Sometimes I fear people take what I say too seriously. There are many things in this world that I do take seriously but I'm seldom one of them.
I hadn't done any creative writing in a l-o-n-g time but I've recently started working on a short story, a semi-noirish thriller; still have a ways to go before I'll feel comfortable sharing it, but...
In a recent post I wrote: I'm usually a pretty patient, understanding, caring, and willing-to-give-benefit-of-doubt kinda gal; I just hope that no one confuses my kindness with weakness... A sentiment that bears repeating.
"I used her, she used me/But neither one cared/We were gettin' our share..."
Middle Cyclone
October 11th, 2009 6:06 pm MDT
Middle Cyclone, Neko Case
Baby, why am I worried now,
Did someone make a fool of me
'Fore I could show 'em how it's done?
Can't give up actin' tough,
It's all that I'm made of.
Can't scrape together quite enough
To ride the bus to the outskirts
Of the fact that I need love.
There were times that I tried,
One for every glass of water
That I spilled next to the bed,
Wretching pennies in a boiling well
In a dream that it once becomes
A foundry of mute and heavy bells.
They shake me deaf and dumb
Say, "Someone made a fool of me
'Fore I could show 'em how it's done."
It was so clear to me
That it was almost invisible.
I lie across the path waiting,
Just for a chance to be a spiderweb
Trapped in your lashes.
For that, I would trade you my empire for ashes.
But I choke it back, how much I need love...
Waiting On A Friend
October 7th, 2009 6:48 am MDT
Don't need a whore
I don't need no booze
Don't need a virgin priest
But I need someone
I can cry to
I need someone to protect...
Waiting On A Friend- Rolling Stones
Most everyone wants some luvin', some romance, in their lives- it can be great! But it's even better when it can be something more, something deeper, when there's some shared, mutual affection, care, and respect- call it friendship!- in addition to the luvin'.
That's it on a rainy Wednesday morning (soggy run, too!)
"I'm not waiting on a lady/I'm just waiting on a friend..."
10.05.09
October 5th, 2009 1:29 pm MDT
"Leave some tools in your toolbox."- Don Draper.
Good advice.
A friend of mine out West has really been getting back into "the Scene" recently; several outings and events with local T-groups, as well as some forays elsewhere (including the famous/infamous Folsom Street Fair! Not my thing, but...) and a few- more than a few?- dates as well. Good for her! And good for anyone having the courage to do, or simply doing, what they want to do (caveat: as long as it doesn't hurt/impinge upon anyone else.) While sometimes it can be of value (it can serve to keep us from pursuing reckless, dangerous acts, dangerous to ourselves and/or to others) fear can be a paralyzing thing, it can preclude us from pursuing/doing so many things in life, things we want to do, things that can stretch us and help us grow as individuals, things that can bring fulfillment, bring joy, to ourselves and, as applicable, to others. Some fears are clearly irrational- my absolutely paralyzing fear of spiders for instance! Others may be founded in a lack of confidence, an inordinate fear or worry of what others may think, or simply fear of the unknown, the yet-to-be experienced, the different, the new. Beyond my embarrassing arachnophobia, the one other major fear I struggle with is employment-related; seeking new/different employment, fearing that I may jeopardize what I have, fearing that I'm reaching above and beyond my- demonstrable- skill set, experience, etc... Curiously, one area where I've seldom experienced much fear is re. my TGism, or at least my pursuit/s of it. With the exception of employment (which gets back to my stated fear), I've seldom been afraid to go out, meet new people, do and live as much as time and means permit. It's not because I'm under any illusions that I flawlessly "pass"- as I mentioned to a friend recently: "... while I think I'm pretty damn perky and cute (!) I'm well aware that there are more attractive T's than me out there..." Not to mention GGs. Where I'm not too tall (5'6") or too big (anymore!) and I dress age, body, and venue appropriately hopefully I simply blend in enuf not to warrant any obvious attention. But I am aware that fear can be part and parcel of much of the T-world, be it girls nervous about being out and about, admirers fearing being seen with a T, or both fearing facing up to their feelings... Whew!!!
What I'm reading now: Blood's A Rover, James Ellroy (a long one- 656 pages, yikes!)
An outstanding game by the Pats yesterday! A solid win vs. a quality opponent! (I didn't get down on it; had I I would have gone with the Ravens, and I hate to root against the Pats.) And a thoroughly mixed day ATS spread Saturday (up: Pitt -6.5, S. Fla -6.5, Penn St. -6.5, Wisconsin +3; down: Fla. St. -3.5, Purdue -7, NC State +3) became quite profitable Sunday (the Bengals my only play that failed to cover; NO -6.5, NYG -9, SF -9, Denver +3, Pittsburgh -5.5.) Bills are paid for another week! ;) ... As for the guy who said he was betting $10,000 of his house fund on one game; assuming he wasn't BSing, he said he took the Cincinnati Bearcats @ -28 vs. Miami-OH. Final score: UC 37-13 MU. He lost... I've been mulling what someone recently said to me: "You seem too normal for this" (TGism, not sports wagering!) While I- hope!- that I'm not too "drama filled and bitchy"(as another friend described many of the interactions he's had with T's)- I try not to be, anyway- and I believe that overall I keep things on balance and even-keeled, I'm not without my issues and such, where I am/where I'm seeking to go with "this." I've confided some of those concerns with a handful of friends whom I respect, trust, and value their views. I can live with normal... Finally time to get my hair done again. I got the worst cut in years back in June- took almost this long simply to grow out again enuf so that there's something worth cutting...
"And I can play hide and seek with my fears/And live my days instead of counting my years..."
10.01.09
October 1st, 2009 1:03 pm MDT
Stranger
Shut out the light and lead me
Somewhere - shut out the shadows, too
And while we lay there, makin' believe you love me
Stranger, could I believe in you
- Stranger, Kris Kristofferson
A nippy run this morning! Tweaked my ankle a bit too, ouch. Starting to miss a couple of those holes in the pavement now that it's pitch-dark @ 5:30am... (and what were you doing @ 5:30 this morning, hmmmm???) But still a good one... And a good workout @ the gym this afternoon, too; been feelin' pretty good lately ;)
From the annals of stupid wagering (found on one of the wagering boards I visit:)
I've done OK to start the college football season. My fiancee has come up with a crazy idea. I'm the gambler and she's the conservative one! We have $12,000 in our "house fund". She wants me to pick ONE game this week and bet $10,000 on that game. If we win.... we will buy a house. If we lose, then our house hunting goes on hold until we build it back up. I'm not a huge fan of this idea..... because if we lose it's going to hurt! lol I usually keep within normal bankroll management rules. But it's her idea and I say what the hell! ANYWAY, I'm going to do my own studying. I'll post my pick when I decide what it is. If anyone has a pick for this week that they consider to be a "lock" then please share..... with your reasons. Thanks! Good luck to all!
First, whatever game he picks, I hope he wins! But yikes... The reason more people run into trouble wagering is because of poor money/bankroll management and discipline; without that discipline, wagering becomes simply gambling, risking capital on a whim. There is no such thing as a sure thing. Words to live by! (I'll leave my plays for the weekend out for now.)
I had a friend comment earlier this week that she thought I was looking too thin. I'm not- but thanks sooooooo much, you! The one area I'm always most self-conscious about is my body image; criticize my hair, my clothes/fashion sense, I'm looking older, even tell me I'm not too pretty (actually, don't tell me that!) and I can deal. But make a negative comment about my body and I'm devastated. I'm extremely sensitive about body image issues. Several years ago I weighed a lot more than I do now, and it wasn't "good" weight, either. Beyond battling that "last ten pounds" I've lost and maintained that weight loss for almost a decade now (higher protein/lower carbs works!); I'm not too worried about gaining it again, but because I had been so self-conscious about my body for so long, even now it's still a sensitive subject with me. So be kind!
I know that I've said it countless times here and elsewhere, but it's true- this is my favorite time of year! Autumn in New England makes the winters here almost- almost!- bearable... I'm anticipating a lil downtime the middle of next week- hoping to see a certain someone... This:
Al Qaeda Bombers Learn from Drug Smugglers
New Technique of Storing Bomb Materials Inside Body Cavity Nearly Kills a Saudi Prince
seems appropriate somehow- those savages are a**holes.
"I feel the heat of your frustration/I know it's burnin' you up deep down inside..."
9.28.09
September 28th, 2009 6:23 pm MDT
Random thoughts on a working Monday evening while wondering if a certain someone found what he was looking for this afternoon...
Very good run this morning! These next few months are, for me, the nicest running months- heck, simply the nicest months period!- of the year. There are few things nicer than autumn in New England... My mom is facing some minor surgery later this week. It shouldn't be much of an issue, but at her age anything is cause for some concern... Until pretty recently I was never really into it, but lately I've had a thing for jazz, or pseudo-jazz, or whatever people wanna call it: Diana Krall, Melody Gardot, Stacey Kent... maybe it's their stylings of their songs, maybe I'm- gasp!- becoming more mature in my tastes? (I still luv my rock ;) ... I've noticed more high school football on TV this fall, on real networks, even ESPN. Strange, but kind of impressive- some of these kids are good! And some of these high school teams and stadiums put some of the colleges around here to shame... still waiting for 'em to broadcast a showdown from the mighty Hockomock League ... Nice to see my favorite adult beverage- beer- getting a lil love... What I'm reading now: The Finest Hours: The True Story of the U.S. Coast Guard's Most Daring Sea Rescue, by Michael J. Tougias and Casey Sherman... I'm usually a pretty patient, understanding, caring, and willing-to-give-benefit-of-doubt kinda gal; I just hope that no one confuses my kindness with weakness...
A few thoughts on the terms transgender and transsexual. First; I do understand the differences between the two (briefly: transgender being more of an umbrella term for many/any whose gender expression may not conform to their biological sex, transsexual usually referring to those actively seeking to transition/live as the gender opposite their biological sex.) While I guess I "qualify" as the latter- I'm on 'mones anyway, and spend much time in the feminine role, and lately have been mistaken for femme while en drab- if I need a descriptor I prefer transgender. Quite bluntly, no matter how much health care professionals, activists, everyday transsexuals, and others seek to clarify, far too many people are/get caught up in the second part of the term- sexual- than the first part- trans. We live in a highly-sexualized society, and too often, anything with the letters s-e-x in it connotes one, and only one, thing to many people. And yes- unfortunately- the antics and actions of some transsexuals reinforce the image, the stereotype, that sex- sexual activity- is the primary or driving focus to who we all are. And just so it's clear: I'm not anti-sex! While I'm hardly promiscuous, I'm hardly inhibited, either; if it's someone I like, someone I'm interested in, someone I care for and about and am in a mutually-respectful relationship with, it's great! Just like anyone else! But there is nothing especially or exceptionally sexualized about me because I'm trans. One's trans status shouldn't be an issue regarding one's sexual appetites. But again, due to our society, as well as the behavior of some transsexuals, those three little letters, s-e-x, become, to too many, their primary focus about us. So if I need a term, I'm more comfortable with transgender. Just my .02...
For any fellow degenerates reading this... a good weekend ATS, but one that would have been outstanding if the Steelers had held their 5 pt lead with under a @#$%ing minute to go!!! (I had 'em -3.5 and -4.) I mentioned it before, and it's true, at least for me- in any endeavor in life, the losses hurt worse than the wins feel good... (but at least I made rather than paid for another week of profitable wagering.) I know, I know, no one (well, almost no one!) reads a T blog to hear about sports wagering; the only thing less apropos would be posting T-related stuff on sports wagering boards!
In a little over an hour a Berkshire Steel Rail Extra Pale Ale will be calling my name...
I still like my cheesy 70's-era pop, too (and if you don't think that this is the greatest song ever, I will fight you. That's no lie.)
"Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight/Gonna grab some afternoon delight..."
http://kellie021ma.blogspot.com/
Changes in attitudes...
September 24th, 2009 2:17 pm MDT
If not latitudes... Changes. As anyone who has known me- or simply read this blog- for any time has discovered, I seldom have much in the way of free time. Further, I'm seldom good at "spontaneous." And while the latter may owe some to my relatively conventional/conservative nature, both owe most to the schedule I've had/kept for, well, for too long now, and the subsequent limitations that has placed on most of the remainder of my life. Doing my best to live financially responsibly- especially recently- isn't something I apologize for. I realize many folks are struggling even more, and I don't necessarily wish to jeopardize what I have. But... being a slave to the same ol' same ol' isn't doing me all that much good. And worse- it caused me to, yet again, disappoint someone I care for, someone who could have used and is certainly deserving of my time, support, and attention recently, as they were (and are) dealing with a significant personal loss. For no other reason than due to the work hours I keep. And because of that, I was unable to be there for someone who, for whatever reason/s, would have liked me to be there for them. And whom I would have liked to have been there for.
More than a few folks whom I respect and trust, in all of my walks of life, have told me that I'm in a rut when it comes to my job status. That has been their exact words: "You're in a rut." They are correct. And much of it is a rut of my own making, or choosing, or something- being so caught up in the day-to-day that I cannot/will not stretch to find/make/create/seek, or even recognize, other/additional job/earning opportunities, even in this economy. I don't especially enjoy what I'm currently doing (my day job; despite the uncertainty involved I actually find my, um, wagering endeavors more stimulating, more exciting- if not always more rewarding!- than my "real" job. And make no mistake, successful wagering takes work, too... if only I had a larger bankroll.) It's not a position, or field, I want/hope to see myself in for another 2 years, 5 years, whatever... (yes, I'm purposely vague re. it.) If I could go back I'd have majored in and sought a career in journalism- I like to write, and one of my most fulfilling (if not money-making!) gigs was my- brief- stint as a columnist for a publication, well, almost 10 years ago now. It truly was rewarding and fulfilling on almost every level ('cept for the $$$ bit.) But for so long now I've been- or have allowed myself to be- sooooooo caught up on/in my status quo, my day-to-day, doing what's been asked/required of me there that (again, with the exception of my sports wagering) I haven't made, or even found/created, the time to seek alternate/additional employment/earning opportunities. The end result being that I've serially disappointed others, serially disappointed myself; the most recent disappointing perhaps finally shaking me enuf to take some pro-active action, to finally begin to make some changes. (I know, some of you have read these words from me before.)
I have to change some of my priorities, change some of my attitudes.
(Most of you were expecting these changes to be T-related, huh?! If only I was as secure in other parts of my life as I am re. my TGism... And the rest of you were waiting for my plays for the weekend ;)
"It's those changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes/Nothing remains quite the same..."
9.20.09
September 20th, 2009 9:14 pm MDT
Well, I said I'd try to make my next posting a lil lighter... One thing that is still a lil unsettling- but a lil flattering too- is being what I read someone else refer to as "reverse-read" particularly depending upon who you're with! I was having lunch with my mom last week and the waitress comes over to our table and opens with "Hi ladies, how are you today?" Now, I'm en drab, and my mom doesn't (at least to my knowledge) know (at least, I've yet to have "that" talk with her) and honestly, I don't believe I look especially feminine when drab- yikes! But this isn't the first time this has happened, while out with my mom! I looked up at the waitress and she quickly realized her miss-take and apologized... So, a lil unsettling but yeah, also a lil flattering; better than being called "Sir" while en femme...
A mixed weekend ATS this weekend: actually, a very profitable one on the collegiate side. Of the eight college games I got down on, only Penn State and Northwestern failed to cover (Penn St -29, NW -3, Pitt -6.5, Ohio St. -20, UNC -6.5, N. Ill. +13, Indiana +5, Clemson -7.) A lackluster NFL week (winners: Minnesota -9.5, Denver -3, Baltimore +3; losers: Tennessee -6.5, Jax -3, Washington -9.5, Seattle +1.5.) As for my Patriots today... grrrrrrr.
A couple of friends are dealing with personal issues- one friend has a niece who is quite ill and hospitalized far from home. And another friend had his brother pass away earlier this week. My thoughts and prayers go out to them both.
No One Hurts Up Here, Kasey Chambers & Shane Nicholson
No one cries up here
No one cries up here
Shed your burden not your tear
No one cries up here
No one hurts up here
No one hurts up here
Sorrow fades and disappears
No one hurts up here
No one fails up here
No one fails up here
Have no worry, have no fear
No one fails up here
No one hurts up here
No one hurts up here
Rest your weary head my dear
No one hurts up here.
Sittin' On A Fence
September 16th, 2009 6:16 pm MDT
Sittin' On A Fence, Rolling Stones
Since I was young I've been very hard to please
And I don't know wrong from right
But there is one thing I could never understand
Some of the sick things that a girl does to a man, so
I'm just sittin' on a fence
You can say I got no sense
Trying to make up my mind
Really is too horrifying
So I'm sittin' on a fence.
All of my friends at school grew up and settled down
And they mortgaged up their lives
One thing's not said too much, but I think it's true
They just get married cause there's nothing else to do, so
I'm just sittin' on a fence
You can say I got no sense
Trying to make up my mind
Really is too horrifying
So I'm sittin' on a fence.
The day can come when you get old and sick and tired of life
You just never realize
Maybe the choice you made wasn't really right
But you go out and you don't come back at night, so
I'm just sittin' on a fence
You can say I got no sense
Trying to make up my mind
Really is too horrifying
So I'm sittin' on a fence.
Odds and sods...
September 13th, 2009 5:31 pm MDT
...while sipping on a Sam Adams Octoberfest (yum!) unwinding after several days away (or at least it seems like that) for work and a utterly uninspiring trip back along the NY State Thruway and Mass Pike home (and no wisecracks from you, Ms. Kincaid)... I wanna thank my friend Jim for reminding me that having me go should be seen as expressing confidence in and valuing of me rather than punishment (even tho' I still didn't wanna go away this weekend...) Thanks!
A better week ATS this week- whew. My college plays were much better this week (after an abysmal week 1) including a couple I bit on late; of the six games I got down on only North Carolina didn't cover (for the record: UNC -3.5, Syracuse +28.5, Wake Forest -3, Minnesota -3, Pitt -10, West Va. -6.5) and my NFL plays for today were profitable as well, with the Pats (@ -10.5; I jumped on it early) still on tap for tomorrow nite. I depend on this as part of my income; to quote the esteemed Professor Jennings (of Animal House fame) "Listen, I'm not joking. This is my job!" I'll hafta see how my friend Chris made out this weekend.
I've been feeling increasingly- what?- melancholy recently. While the change of seasons as well as the 'mones mite have something to do with it, most of it has to do with my seemingly never-ending commitments and responsibilities that result in my disappointing others, good people, people I want to be there for and who deserve having me there for them. And when I fall short on this- not intentionally, not for any other reasons other than job and, to a lesser extent, family responsibilities, commitments, and expectations- serially fall short on this, falling short to people I truly care and have affection for, it troubles me deeply. This past weekend I ended up losing a very good friend, someone I really have deep feelings for, and worse, who is dealing with difficulties of their own and really could have used my support and comfort and attention. And I failed them. And it's hardly been the first time I've done so; again, not intentionally. But that doesn't really make it any better. To the point where he finally concluded that things just weren't going to work between us, even as he's made more-than-enuf efforts to accommodate me and my schedule. And I can't blame him for that. If it were only dealing with my hurt and disappointment over the loss of this relationship, I could deal. What's worse is knowing that I've hurt and disappointed someone else who, for whatever reason/s, needed my support and attention. And that's made me feel sad and low as well... To those who are able to maintain better balance in their lives- salute.
Yikes- and people used to call me "perky"... I'll try to lighten up in my next posting :)
"And honey I didn't know/That I'd be missing you so/Come Monday, it'll be alright..."
To Whom It May Concern...
September 9th, 2009 11:49 pm MDT
(I thought I would- once again- cross post from my blog onto my URNA account. Hopefully I can work URNA's formatting. You can catch up/read all of my past entries- about 7 years worth- at: http://kellie021ma.blogspot.com/)
I mentioned previously that Yahoo will soon be eliminating it's free Geocities web hosting and hence my website. I'll likely add my pics to a Flickr account, and maintain a Yahoo profile, as well as a few others elsewhere. The one page I wish to keep (I originally wrote it several years ago, updated occasionally as warranted) more than any is the following:
To Whom It May Concern
If you've somehow come across this site (and perhaps it's worth asking what you, or whomever directed you here, were doing perusing sites of "this" nature) and have put two and two together and figured out who Kellie is, what are your thoughts right now; surprise? anger? disbelief? embarrassment? Are you disappointed in me, that I'm not the person you thought you knew, or believe that I've been "pulling something over" on you, for years? Do you believe that the person you thought you knew was all an elaborate ruse or lie? If you're angry at, or feel somehow betrayed by, this discovery, I apologize- that was never my intent. I would hope that, if you spent enough time here, checking out various pages (besides my pics :) you'd see that most of my attitudes, thoughts, and interests are pretty much the same as those of the person you've known for however many years, even if "this" is probably the last thing you would have expected of me. The person you know, or knew, wasn't- and isn't- a lie, but rather a part of the totality of who I am.
Where did this come from? Good question. I don't know; it wasn't any "failing" or the result of any abuse suffered as a child, or any similarly lurid tale; I'd been doing this and having these feelings, desires, etc...ever since I was a small kid, sometimes to a greater, sometimes to a lesser, extent. There are numerous theories and such as to what causes some folks to have these feelings. All I know (and this seems to be relatively common) is that, over time, as I've gotten older, this, these feelings and desires, has only grown stronger and stronger, more and more an important part of me, ever more difficult to dismiss. There was a considerable stretch of years where I truly had little or no desire for this; further, especially for those who have known me for a long time, there were many things I did, perhaps not consciously, but nevertheless did that made doing this, or at least presenting a somewhat realistic appearance of this, a non-issue. But over the last several years these feelings have become stronger and stronger. Had I made more of an effort to lead a more "normal" life over the last several years, would that have kept me suitably busy or occupied enough so that this wouldn't have had as much opportunity to take root as it has? Perhaps, but perhaps not. Again, for many, this seems to be something that they can "put aside" for quite awhile, but that ultimately rears up again, stronger, often in one's late 20's to mid 30's, as has been the case with me for quite some time now.
For those who haven't known me quite as long, who know me only as Kellie, and perhaps get frustrated over my seemingly sparse free time to meet and so forth, again, my apologies. It has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with me not wanting to hang out /spend time with you. I do have commitments to keep, and, yes, I do keep busy; probably busier than I should. And when I do have free time, I try to use it in a way that shows loyalty to those I've known longest; meaning, first I try to spend time with family, then long-time friends (and currently, these mean spending that time in my "male" persona) then with whatever time I have left, as- and with people who know me as- Kellie. And on some level, I suppose the tension between wanting, needing, to go further, to live more this way vs. trying to retain some semblance of my "other" self often keeps me in a holding pattern, a pattern that perhaps serves to keep me from more fully facing up to this, from going further and living a more full life this way than I presently do, "running from my devils" as it were, while sadly perhaps "losing all I loved along the way." If I've inconvenienced or hurt anyone as a result of this, I'm sorry as well. I hope you can forgive me a little bit, perhaps somehow understand, or at least be patient with me.
Where am/will I ultimately be going with this? Another good question. There are so many times when this seems so all-consuming, that to deny it is to deny myself, and deny any chance of life fulfillment. And yet, whether it's simply years of conditioning, or an unwillingness to disappoint those I've known the longest, or whatever, there is still that "other" side of me that has yet to be banished, aspects of which, I admit, I enjoy as well. Perfect world- I'd probably already have transitioned. Realistically, tho' it is something I often believe I really need to do to feel more fulfilled, more comfortable, more happy, I don't know if I could subject those around me, my family and long-time friends (yes, that means any of you who may be reading this!) to such a change. This is the kind of thing that, once you tell folks, you can't "untell" them. (*Addendum- my sister now knows of "this," due to unfortunate and irresponsible behavior on my part, and to date has been more understanding, accepting, even helpful, than I could have imagined or expected- thanks! *) I have been seriously considering taking this the next step, if I find I can swing it/maintain it financially, beginning perhaps at some later point this year. We'll see. If I do that, many of the issues that to date I've largely kept to myself will eventually have to be addressed to some degree. (*Addendum 2- as of spring '09 this has resumed.*)
I hope this didn't come off as TOO ponderous or self-absorbed; thanks for reading! :)
(It had a midi of Sunday Morning Coming Down playing in the background, too- added a nice, wistful touch.)
My friend "Tilda" was good enuf to create a page on her space here to allow me to continue to link to the above after my Geocities site closes- thanks a bunch, you.
Sadly, paragraph three has- once again- caused me to lose someone whom I am very fond of. My damn job, my damn schedule... and I can't blame him ONE bit. When he's needed me to be there for him, I have not been able to. He has deserved sooooo much better, and has been more than forgiving, understanding, and patient. Dammit. http://kellie021ma.blogspot.com/2009_09_01_archive.html#1228724542328279799
