Journal Entries for Kim Silk
Fun Stuff this Month
February 16th, 2007 3:02 pm MST
An observation and realization for me these past months. I seem to be attracting a certain type of crossdresser wo is interested in getting together with me. In one sense, it is very flattering to have someone contact me and want to know about me, at least, in terms of crossdressing. What I find curious is that most seem to be married, as am I, and are trying to keep it together and at the same time, wanting to be discreet and "under the radar" about their xdressing or meeting anyone from their spouse. I completely understand, since I am in somewhat of a similar situation. My wife knows I dress and have other crossdressing friends, but she is not too thrilled about it and also our relatinship has evolved over time to where we still love each other, but are no longer sexually intimate. So, we have become more like best friends, instead of intimate husband and wife. I bring this up because this seems such an important issue among crossdressers, and one where there is no one solution or opinion. In one way, I feel guilty that I have to meet other crossdressers in secret or feel I am "cheating" on my wife and others. Then again, I feel even more of a burden when I have to deal with another crossdresser who is also married and trying to keep it a secret from his wife and family. I have decided not to be involved anymore with someone who has a family or is married, since that is always this "800 pound elephant (or is it a xdressed gorilla?) in the room." I know this is a mixed-up ethics bag and not overly consistent on my part (what about me meeting single xdressers?)... But, whoever said Life was consistent and ideal? I am just constructing this part of my life as it goes along. I have heard that other crossdressers go through stages, where the thrill of crossdressing comes and goes, so I guess I am evolving to that point and will continue to go through my own unique journey.
Funny How Life Is...
August 27th, 2006 8:18 pm MDT
Okay, another chapter ending (Summertime) and another one beginning (Autumn Summer). In one way, this has been a rewarding and restful time for me to contemplate what gives with my xdressing since I had time to do alot of it. Did I? No, not every day or night nor everytime. The motivation or desire or overwhelming need was not there for me. Interesting, since other girls are much more involved in that aspect of their lives. I found myself just letting it be and dressing on occasion, mostly to take pictures of myself. I fantasized about meeting other girls on-line and getting together with them, but again, that did not pan out. Not that I did not have opportunities; just was not all that fired up to follow-through with it. Humm.. again, interesting, since I live in San Francisco and the Bay area, and this area is definitely open to many opportunities for those types of adventures. Maybe it partly has to do with my age and circumstances, since I am (ahem!) "mature" and staying out late at night, partying or going to clubs is not my style, or never was... Tend to be more sedate in my interests (walks and reading and just noodling..). But, I know others will say that is not the only way to get involved in the TG life, but I also discovered that, many times, TG clubs or venues are sometimes the ONLY social outlet for TG girls and admirers, etc. I may be wrong on that (probably am) but that, at least, was my introduction to TG social life when I first went out dressed at night with a TV friend, and I am glad that venue was available. Felt wonderfully safe and free, at least the first time. I am speaking of the Lodge, in Los Angeles, which unfortunately, is soon closing. Also, other TG venues are closing or have closed in the L.A. area, which is a shame. I wonder if that is par for the course in other parts of the country. In that sense, TG clubs are an endangered species, just like we are, in that we have to be very conscious of keeping ourselves protected and developing habitats where we can be ourselves, free and clear in consciousness...
Funny papers, Part 3
August 8th, 2006 8:45 pm MDT
Had a chance to read some of the other girls' journal comments, and really thought Jenni from NY was very outfront and honest. She seem to be saying what is probably true for many of us here on this site in terms of issues of dressing, marriage, sexual intimacy and STDs. I am married too and had to deal with my wife knowing I dress and not being too pleased with it. Sometimes, she gets playful and even buys some lingerie for me (which embarasses me at times). I think I am not yet comfortable in sharing this side of myself with her (since she seems to not want to know or see me dressed). The times that I have tried on lingerie, she has almost made fun of me, which is a real turn-off and inhibitor. So, it ends up that I dress when she is not around or when I am living in Los Angeles by myself, . I also have more of a TG social life in LA, rather then San Francisco. I try to meet or develop TG friendships, but, as I am sure most of you can attest, it is rather hit-and-miss, especially through the Internet and the bar scene. So, what am I looking for, when I am in my Kim-Dressed-To-Kill mode? Ok, I will admit to being flattered and turned-on by a male or TG admirer, but this mostly has led to unsatisfactory one-nite stands, especially with men. That is why, for the most part, I don't respond to men since they seem to be unreliable and not really interested in friendships or even relationships. Of course, i know everything is a two-way street, and it takes "two to tango", but it has been with other TG girls that I have had more success in developing friendships, even if initially there was a sexual component to the relationship. Beyond the sex and gender, the human and emotional connections are what really count. In one way, maybe I am compensating for the need to feel closer to someone since my wife and i have become more emotionally and sexually distant from each other. I am not blaming my problems with my wife on my xdressing, since there are always other reasons, like being together a long time, my bisexuality, changing personas, etc. Essentailly, dressing gives me a sensual high, a lift from the mundane world, and always fascinates me when I view myself and say, "Is that REALLY ME??!" with wonder and amazement... :)
funny papers part 2
July 27th, 2006 11:34 am MDT
I had a positive experience recently when a longtime friend and I went shopping together on a whim, while being downtown in San Francisco. My friend is a genetic girl, who knows I dress, but does not know many details of my life in that regard. We went to some clothing stores and found some tops and a skirt for me at great prices. The fun part was how she got involved with finding clothes for me and was really enthusiastic about the whole thing. I explained to her the differences among various TG girls from CD to TV to TS (from what I have learned partly from this site) and she really began to understand where I was coming from. I told her that I thought I was more of an adrogynous person, rather then a transsexual, and had male and femme characteristics and inclinations combined. Anyway, it was fun and enjoyable, and I understand now how rewarding it is to go shopping with GG, since they are coming from their own persepctive of things. I have shopped with my wife, but she is not into shopping very much and only tolerates my dressing, but is not keen on it. To top it off, I showed my friend, who is married and straight, afterwards my pictures posted on this website. I usually keep this side of my life very private, but she was curious and was very surprised and amazed how I looked. The best thing is that she thought I was very passable, especially my most recent shot ofme, and did not recognize me at all. Having that kind of validation was very important for me. This does not mean I am going to dress up and walk around in the daytime in public, since I have no motivation or inclination to do so, but it is nice to get the "thumbs up" from a GG.
Funny papers, part 1
July 24th, 2006 5:03 pm MDT
Well, got inspired to take new pictures of myself and I am pleased, for the most part, with them. I have posted some of them in a Gallery on my profile. Check them out if you are interested. Sometimes, at least in my head, my chronological age side seems to have a debate with my psychological/spirital and physical age sides. Maybe, most "mature" peoples have this type of debate. For example, now that I am more into xdressing (started dressing within the past 10 years, but not really actively until these past 2 years) and relaxing into who I am (at least my femme side), it seems a shame that I did not discover this earlier in my life. When I query CDers or TVs about their dressing history, most tell me that they started very early in either their childhood or pre-teen years. Maybe I was VERY unconscious during those times, but I don't have that type of history or experience. I was always a late bloomer, in terms of sexuality and gender issues, so maybe that is one reason. Also, as an Asian-American, raised in a very traditonal values setting, there are very intense pressures to conform and follow the rules, and also issues of shame, guilt and obligation that have to be dealt with, if you didn't conform. I used to think that I was unique but after talking with my Jewish and Catholic friends, we have SO MANY things in common.:)However, I believe that Asian culture puts a weird twist to Shame and Obligation in that there is this Code of Silence and Avoidance that all Asians know about and understand. Of course, this Code is never spoken of or discussed, at least openly, among Asians because as an Asian, you are supposed to "know, understand, and follow" this Code. The Code goes something like this: Rule #1: Don't do anything to bring dishonor or disgrace upon yourself or your family. (I broke that rule so many times, it is laughable!) Rule #2: You will be shamed by your family and group if you step out of line (yeah, ditto for that one) Rule #3: You should know what is the right thing to do, even though sometimes it is not clear or explicitly said. You just know, because you are Asian. (I developed a VERY intuitive side to me because of that rule!) Oh, btw, Rule #4: Don't mention or discuss anything that will embarass or upset anyone (Hummm.. I wonder if that means my xdressing?) Ok, that is a pretty rough idea of the Code and how does this relate to xdressing and age? Well, for starters, it seems that folk, like me, a BabyBoomer, were a transitional generation, from previously repressive times about cross-dressing and TG issues toward more open social engagement about sexual and gender identity issues. I am always amazed at all the different TG identities and interests here at URNotAlone, and appreciate that there seems to be more openess and freedom to be who you want to be, especially among the younger generations. That is a great development and, in one sense, I wish this "revolution in consciousness" about the trangender community had come sooner for me.Add to this, the enforcement of the Code, and my own approach/avoidance issues about "coming out of the closet" about my own sexuality and identity, and we have a pretty interesting mix here. Probably deserves a separate posting about my personal life... hummm.... Here a few random thoughts: I am older, but feel and act younger (doesn't this sound familiar!!). I wish I dressed when my hair was longer and thicker, during my hippie days! :) I have a "slutty and kinky" side to my personality, especially dressed en femme, so "once a slut, always a slut" holds true for me, no matter what age I am!Oh, for those who are actually trying to follow and make sense of this posting, you should understand that I believe blogs are meant to uphold the "Freedom to Ramble" amendment to the Internet Constitution. If you don't believe me, just look it up on-line, but don't quote me... :)Ok, cheers till next time...
Life gets funnier over time
July 22nd, 2006 4:25 pm MDT
Hi all.It is very hot here, even in lovely San Francisco, but my beautiful small garden helps keep me cool and calm. I was online a while ago, and have had very nice chats with other girls. I noticed, which is again not new, that the girls online, for the most part, registered or not, are usually very polite and gentle in their conversations, unless we both want to steer it toward more erotic and sensual aspects... :) HOWEVER, the men (the macho, clueless kind) seem not to read my profile, at least not carefully, and they come across, many times, in very boorish ways. I am usually polite and let them know that I am not interested (if they read my profile in the first place!), but they seem to have this fixation on my image, which I sometimes ascribe to the "exotic Asian fantasy" complex. I am their little "geisha girl" or whatever. It is interesting to see male reactions to my femme image. Very strange and comical, in a way.... In another way, I can see their point of view (after all, I am one of them too!), but many men, especially, are their own worst enemies. They have this blind spot about how they come across to women in social situations. I go to the chat room and like to meet new people online, but recently, there have been times when it was down right uncomfortable and annoying, being hassled by guys who wouldn't take NO for an answer. Finally, one person (a male who was not registered) I had to threaten to report him to the chat monitor before he quit. It has been mentioned before by other girls, but when you walk in GG shoes, you really understand what other women have to put up with. I mostly want to develop some kind of relationship, acquaintance, or friendship, and IF I was interested in someone sexually, they would definitely be part of that process of mutual agreement and we would have common "vibes" between us. Men, on the other hand, are so obtuse, at times... Maybe, that is why I prefer other TGs or GGs rather then men, when I am enfemme. I am tired enough dealing with macho attitudes and other men, when I am in my male mode. OK, I know this is another diatribe, and I don't mean to come across like this, but it seems the blog, for me, is a way to vent and get out some anger and hostility. I also want to thank some of the other girls, for gently and with class, remind me of a more compassionate and femme approach to things in life. I actually understand what they are saying and will work on, with due diligence, a more softer approach... :)Love to you all and I REALLY am enjoying myself on this site and still think life IS a comedy!
This Life gets funnier...
July 17th, 2006 8:14 pm MDT
Hi, I am back for the second blog post. Thanks to Jeanette and Lauren for your comments to my first post and putting up with my rambling style! :) So, a friend of mine, Sandra, in L.A., mentioned that little characteristic I have in my writing style, so I will be try to be more focused... Case in Point: Sandra recently was coming back to L.A. after a trip to visit her friends in Colorado, and she had a somewhat hostile reaction from some young folks, while walking back to her place. I told her that it might have been how she looked or acted (longish hair, femme, etc.) and that is what we (women, minorities, "others", TGs, etc.) experience periodically in our lives. Bigotry and prejudice are always looking for ways to act out through surrogates, like these young immature kids. They probably didn't even know why they were acting the way they were, if you asked them. I told Sandra it reminded me of pack animals, who are just circling, just waiting to pounce on some supposedly "victim". Well, the pack leader has arrived!... Just let them know who is in charge here! Sandra, of course, did just that and they slunk away when she stood her ground. I always think of the Dog Whisperer, who knows how to handle wild beasts of prey... It is funny how Evil (to use G. Bush's misused term) is always scared of strong Light and Strength... Word to the wise, especially us folk, in constant processing of our Identities of Being, to stand firm and powerful, because that is who we really are...
this funny life I lead...
July 13th, 2006 12:01 am MDT
humm...first blog entry... always thought of Blogs as "diarrea of the mouth"... just another technological symptom of our self-centered and self-regarding culture, like cell phones and SUVs (well, those go together, like an accident waiting to happen)... making our Private Spaces into Public Spectacles... So, here I am, doing the Blog Dance (have to try it to critique it, right?)... Hypocrite?.. Maybe, but still feel the same about Blogs anyway...I think it might be the difference in generations. I am older, in terms of years, so still remember times when the analog world was still around more so then the digital one. However, I am no Luddite... As an artist, I was always interested in media and that led to working with computers when they were just starting to be introduced into the mainstream (yes, I am THAT old!!).... Sound like a geezer "In my day..."... Anyway, the point is that sometimes WE (the society and culture at large) seem to accept technological gizmos and advances UNCRITICALLY and there seems to be a loss of common curtesy and awareness of what is happening around us, when we overly depend upon technology, i.e. blogs, cells, SUVs... A disconnect from the soul.Gee, maybe Blogs aren't so bad after all.. I can spout nonsense and not make any sense at all!!... whopee!
