Christina
" is happy with the person she is and the person she is still becoming for the first and only time in her life. Already over 6 yrs have passed since starting to live full time, and it feels like I have always been the person I am now."
Journal Entries for Christina
After 2 yrs
April 29th, 2008 12:05 pm MDT
Well, here we are a little over two years since I started to live full time as myself and since I started hrt. I knew exactly what I was in for when I started all of this so the way some people have treated me comes as no surprise. Unfortunately most people are very uneducated when it comes to any subject that they do not deal with on a day to day basis or doesn't effect them and that certainly includes gender issues. Far too many people can not understand or will not try to understand that there are people that are born with a body that just does not match their minds. It amazes me that so many people can understand other birth defects that can not be seen but they just will not except the fact that in some cases Mother nature has made a mistake with peoples outer gender. The simple fact is that it is a neuro biological birth defect but so many people see it as someone that has a fetish or something is just plain out wrong with them. Over the past couple of years I have come to understand especially when it came to my so called friends that they never really knew me at all. All that they knew was the lie I had been living for the majority of my life. Now since I have finally allowed myself to me and not what the rest of the world thinks I should have been, the person I am now is not someone that they would have ever have known. In just over two years there is nothing really left of the person I use to be. I have totally changed most everything about me. I can't say if it's the hormones or just me finally being able to be me. Obviously the phyiscal changes are from the hrt but the way I walk, talk, think, act have all changed as well. The way I look at the world and the things in it has changed. For once in my life I actually have feelings other than the rage and anger that I once had. I am actually a caring, loving, empethic, human being instead of the mean, pissed off miserable freak I use to see myself as and mostly was. To the people that say they can't do this because of this or that but truely want to. Stop wasting your time, make yourself happy with who you are, lifes to short to not be happy. To the people that say this was couragous or that they wished they would get the courage to transition. I don't see anything couragous about me. I'm just a woman that happened to be born transgender. There really is nothing all that special about me. I had just gotten to the point that I was ready to end my life if I hadn't done something to finally make myself happy with me for once in my life. If this is something that you truely want and need to do, you will do it, when it is right for you. Just understand that it may not be easy but nothing in life worth doing or having ever is. The last two years of my life may not have always been easy but they most definately have been the best of my life.
Jan 07 Living full time now
January 5th, 2007 10:54 am MST
Well it's been a while since I last posted a journal entry. I have been pretty busy though. Since the last time I entered an entry, I am now living 100% full time and in July I started hrt. I am much happier with myself now days. I'm not the mean, pissed off, miserable person I use to be anymore. Now days I am mostly just happy with myself and very happy with my life. Although by me coming out and everyone around here learning about me I have lost the majority of my friends all but two really, but I expected that. I did not choose to come out when I did. One of my so called freinds that knew about me when out and told a few people, once that happened everyone that knew me suddenly found out. I was definately the talk around the local bar scene. But what this did do for me was then allow me to deceide to start to live full time as of my birthday and have no worries about what everone was going to say. I already knew what they were going to say cause I already heard it. My wife also finally left for good and filed for divorce which should be over later this month, which was a good thing. All in all I am much happier with myself and everyone that is still around me is much happier now too. It hasn't been easy but it is going great. It can be lonely sometimes but I have my friends here to help me out with that. There have been some ups and downs but all in all it is going great. I have been on hrt for 5 months now and I do have some breast growth, but mainly I have noticed the emotional changes more than the physical ones. The doctors just raised my estrogen dosage again. I am hoping to start to see more changes physically now but I also know none of this happens over night. It is a slow step by step process. I am still having some troubles living full time but they aren't with any of the things that I thought I might have problems with. They are more of learning how to deal with people as a woman. Having to get use to having people tell me I look nice or I am attractive. Also learning to deal with all the emotions that I never dealt with before. When I was living as a man really the only emotions I dealt with then were anger and rage, now I have to learn how to deal with all the others I am feeling. I figure if I could learn how to do my make up and learn how to dress properly, I can learn how to deal with the other things as well. Hopefully from now on I am going to try and keep up on this and make regular entries here. I also need to get some new pictures posted here. The one I have really don't represent me very well anymore or at least I don't think they do since I have changed my hairstyle, lost some weight now plus the hrt.
Starting my journey
May 3rd, 2006 12:59 pm MDT
I have always thought that I should have been born a female. I have told myself that since I can remember. I am now after thirty something years finally starting my journey. I have started to see a therapist, to make sure that I am correct in how and why I am doing this. Last week I started electrolysis with a very T friendly electrolyist. She gave a lot of good advice and told me some vitamins and minerals that should help my skin tremendously. At first I thought that I wasn't going to keep a journal but after I thought about it a while I thought it might be a good idea. I have come out to my family and they are totally supportive, which wasn't the exact reaction I was expecting, but was great none the less. I have started to come out to my friend and those that I have chose to tell have also been supportive but that is most because of the ones I have told were picked because I thought they would be excepting. The one that I think aren't going to be I haven't told and have started to separate myself from. That way when people start to make jokes about me, which I expect to happen, they can say that we haven't been friends for a while anyways and can go on undisturbed in their lives. I keep telling myself that I would do anything to be happy but is that really fair to everyone else? I feel very selfish sometimes when I think that my action effect others. Like my child, is it fair that maybe some of her friends or their parents don't like that I am transitioning and they can't be friends anymore? At what cost is me being happy really worth. I just hate the thought that for me to happy someone else is going too effected negatively. Hopefully soon I will be able to start hrt and soon I will be living full time, right now I am still hiding in some ways and am only living about 75% of the time. That was the part I have always really hated, the sneaking, the lying, the hiding, all just to be the person I felt I should have always been. Then I felt like I was lying to everyone about who I really was. Now I feel a tremendous amount of gilt with all of this and yet I should be happy about everything that is happening with and too me. I mean I have wanted this for my entire life why should I feel guilty about it?
