Chrissy Ellen
Journal Entries for Chrissy Ellen
chrissybits closet
January 14th, 2008 6:46 pm MST
As toddler I noticed I was different from my sister once as my ma bathed us. I remember asking my mom what was wrong with me? She said there was noting wrong with me. It what made me a boy. I can remember telling her I didn’t want it. As I grew up tried to tried to jump rope, play with the barbies and easy bake oven, with my sister and her girlfriends. My ma would make me play w/the boys, I learned to play base ball and foot ball, along w/ fights.Going to leave out many details might bring up later. But I was very aware my ma and dad where trying to instill masculinity. My dad would praise me for getting into fights with the other boys. I built the models played w/ the other boys in the area. My dad was proud when id made a wooden tool box. I must a been about 6 yrs old. I was sent to my grandparents in fla and spent a week w/ my aunt and cousins. My aunt wouldn’t let me play w/the girls my age.Ma must had said something. And was strangely a ware I liked helping my oldest cousin patty w/ the laundry. And helped her get ready for a girl party she was having .She had little bowls of M&Ms laid out. I thought how nice it be to wet to wear the pretty things like her and her friends did. But my aunt was hip to my hanging around with the girls. She told me id get in trouble if I didn’t start playing w/ my cousin Alan. I tried to say he and his friends where to old and the girls where my age. She didn’t bye it. So I was forced to play w/ the boys. I got poked with a stick after falling off a block wall as I played combat w/ the local boys, than gashed my arm.So much for being a boy.Than it was off to my grandparents. In Tavernier Fla. Sent my time waiting on the grey hound to sell lemonade to the passengers.By now I was well aware I was expected to behave as a boy. And had learned even fighting I was rewarded and punished for femininity. So I acted the boy .And that even a bad boy was good.We moved into a new house and I found a bag of clothes. I hid that bag and at nite Id wear them to bed .When no one was home id dress up in them and play house by my self. I was real good at changing into boy clothes.Giggles.In jr high I lived close enough to come home for lunch and would put on at least my panties since gym class was over. I was heart broken when my bag of clothes where found and taken away. So I started wearing my sisters things,Id try and keep a pair of panties and night gown for bed..Id put most back like her dresses. Don’t u know shed catch me and wake me up rather rudely.You have to remember the era. They where imprisoning people for being gay, Guys marked as gay where treated very badly even beaten up. An airline pilot was fired for being unstable since they where now female.GOD what’s wrong with me.Im a boy in not supposed to be a girl. Went to great lengths to hide. But im a girl.Well unless I want to be beaten or worse I hadto hide this. Top that off I lived in a phobic house hold and add in the fact that the bible thumpers said that homosexuals as well as cross dressers where damned.Im screwed.That didn’t stop me. I quickly learned I could steel female clothing at friends homes and the store. And grew my hair long. Was very inventive how-to hide my things. But that wasn’t always good. But they ever found all my stash of clothes. Still play house and watched my ma sew and cook.Altough my dad would have me help work on the car when it was broke.I wanted to be a girl. But all I new told me I couldn’t was made to feel it was the most shameful thing a boy could do. I got turned on to grass.Id go out into the woods where no one would be built me a hut and dressed up. And the high made me feel very fem. But also mixed up with quilt.Most considered me the bad boy and I was. As a result I joined the corps. Wearing boxers for boot camp. Couldn’t stand them things. My wall locker inspections where tight all my gear up to exspections.Go figure I wore panties 99% of the time. When able go run out into the S.C woods /Marsh and dress up. Only part about playing dress up was I was alone. Keeping the bad boy image alive to cover my secret up. Ended up in some scrapes with athorities.And Lead me to party w/ the out laws as well as knew a few of there enemy the invaders. Yes I rode hard and fast and partied. But you know they started questioning why I didn’t have a gf.More than that they set me up w/ a gg.First time I ran away from her mostly because she was very unattractive. The first time I went to bed with a gal they set me up with I made an excuses to go to the bath room to remove my panties, but that wouldn’t hide the fact I was smooth between my legs. And perfectly honest I have no idea why the gal didn’t notice or at least tell. I did have a one gf that knew and would play dress up with me. Shed comb my hair and put make up on me. She was married but I loved her. But most Ggs would tell stories. Most of the guys would play it off as my gf being made cause we broke up. And just wanted to cause trouble. The gal id married knew I liked to dress up, But we never connected as gfs.In reality she wanted to fix me.Livin that way was miserable and the divorce that fallowed almost killed me. If it wasn’t for the MCC church in Elizabeth town Ky and the lbtg community Id not be here, Now.It was here I tried to live as a female at least when not at work. Quickly realized it wouldn’t be that easy. I was relying on my skill as a welder to survive. Eventually came out at my job there. But was fired when a married guy who had proposition me for a bj that I turned down. He and his friend made my boss think I started a fight and was fired.Goerge was a black guy and a friend .Not to forget we worked together. I let him in on my secret and he and his family accepted me. They knew I lived alone and invited me over for thanksgiving dinner as female. I have to giggle it took George a long time before I let him meet me and than only when he had his gf w/ him. But living as a female back than just wasn’t possible for me. The next month was a night mare. Its now the holiday season of 97.It was hard enough loosen my family ,trying to hang on to life. And to loose my income. I was done. If it wasn’t for a cd who is still a good friend as well as some gay and lesbians Id not be here. I was done. But u know they gave me the courage to go on. And although it was late George had proved to the boss that my getting fired was a set up and the 2 fired. All this made it easy to come out upon my return to the Chicago metro area But first I had to put my life in position to to transition. After all most insurance companies wont cover it.Getting out and doing normal things like shopping once in a while or going out to the bars or a restaurant w/others like me.Takin the mones and electrolosist.Till the time I had my target reached to give up the males life I lived. Last few years only my goal kept me there. I tried to get the oil industry to accept .The last couple years when I had extended time off I lived for that time as a gal in real life. And my goal coming in reach.Finally I seen things going on at work and I knew the time was nearing.9/18 I made my jump. In ways I felt it was early but I was ready. My horoscope among other things. Still wearing a wig and my make up done I went to the dmv so my drivers license would match along w/ a few other things. At the DMV I ran into and said hi to one of the office girls from my former job. And went about living 24/7 .I’ve done things as a typ gg.Some of those I consider mile stones in my path. Like taking my car to the garage, going to the hardware store, and the mall and department stores during the holiday shopping season. Now I’m looking forward to laying out side in a bikini. Going to beach that will be a biggy.Now I’m hoping to get into beauty school..Im a little handicapped but since I style my own hair I think I can do it. Besides just being around Ggs for the most part I think will help smooth some rough edges. I do well going shopping and out in the general public but I can do better.Now that I have my 36 Cs ,my own hair and can take care of further personal construction projects on my own. After completing school. Ill Be able to lend a hand in a relationship.In some situations my dress even casual is ment to make the guys in general not question my being female. And no I feel it wrong if a guy thinks I’m anything but a pre op ts.Esp. if he’s trying to hit on me.And I am a bit of a home body. When I do go out don’t think that I’m easy. That I am not.Ive had a few try and take advantage in a predatory way and have handled it. Am I innocent no guys I’m not.Niether are u. Though I may dress rather sexy doesn’t make me easy. When im not feeling all shy and bashful I have an exhibitionist side. I love mirrors, posing for the camera.Don’t think buying me a drink is going to get you more than a conversation. And if u take me to a restaurant its not Mc Ds. The first time we meet I don’t care where your from if u like me you make the trip no stings attached. And no promices.After that if it goes good that’s different. I’m not a toy don’t treat me like one. I don’t need your money so don’t insult me.
reflections
January 9th, 2008 5:06 pm MST
Yesterday I called walmart 3 hours later went to pick it up.2 hrs later finely able to take posession.Spent my time shoppin just a little sat and chat w/ a couple ladies.Which was cool along w/a couple guys steeling looks.Broke a nail at Stopped at the grocery store than next door at Aldies. Where i broke a nail,at least it didnt hurt.Topped off my gass tank where and older guy opened the door for me.Bought bubbble bath at Kmart had a guy hurry to open door there.Than had my nail fixed by i nice asian lady ,Who was trying to take care of a baby.several days ago durring the end of the last cold snap.I went to the DMV.I wore a pink tee with a caragan sweater more a less as a wrap.Had the clerks all jealous.They had there claws out just a bit.Must of been a combination of te coolness outside and the fact id gone braless. All these things i found comforting.The ladies politely venting about thier wait comforted me as did their learning id been there 2 hours calmed tham.The guys gaukin at my breast and commenting real quitely.Most ggs waoulda found offensive.gave me confidence.The gents that opened the doors,I thanked as feminonly as i could.And that i found very sweet of tham. Over the holidays although Ive been to the mall.I actually went to it over the holidays which Id thought Id never do,durring the holiday shoppin season.One clerk there Aways have to at least stop by her store and say hi.Last yr while in drab .I needed to exchange a costume id bought that was actually too big.She said it be ok to go inti the dressing room and try it on.So I feel a friendly connection w/her.So i now this sounds fetish but Fredericks of Hollywood is very open minded.Just thought id mention it for the cds out there.Truth is i recieved a much better reception there than I did at victoria secret. If i have the time and in the area Ive gone to Alta for my cosmetics.Before and after going 24/7.And they where always very helpfull.Now getting help at Walgreens Ive found depends on the store and the piticular clerk.Some can be straight up bicthes. This has been the 1st holiday season Ive not spent alone sence 96.When its right ILL find Love.
seasons greetings
December 24th, 2007 10:46 am MST
Happy holidays to all.And may all your wishes and dreams cometrue in thenewyr,
look in the mirror
December 23rd, 2007 11:14 am MST
Hi my name is chrissy bits in the chat room.I feel very lucky i look the way i do.Ive tried totreat thouse presenting thanselfs as female as female.And a few are my friends.And this dosent pretain to them.I love my body and myself.I grew up in a phobic household,and a phobic era.Iwent to grat leanghts to hide my true self from a early age.religious belieafs were very harmful part of the damage done.As a teen i dressed in private athough my sister aways seemed to catch me.In general public i was the bad boy,i fought at the drop of a hat.I partied my brain out than joined the corps that didnt stop it.I rode and party w/bikers.Even marriied trying to be quote normal.My ex wife knew about me but durring all this wasnt happy.I bcme a welder in oil industry to support my familly.Than i lost all except my trade . duringe 96 i faceed myself.If it wasnt for the gblt community i would not be here.I tend to be a bit of an exhibitionist that dont make me a whore or slut.IT MAKES ME A HUMAN.Some come in here spoutin off how good they are and what they see as moral.Yet the very same come here dressed as female and spout off that if we dont conform to there thinking we are evil.Look in a mirror how do you think society looks upon you.And dont blame me i go out 24/7 and am acceptted.Its a battle we all face and thouse of us who are out there as well as thoughs that came before me are why things are changin.this is a vast community from the fettish to the post op ts.no one is better than the other.But when you spout of how lilly white u are you realy need to take a deep look inside your self.Its my exsperiance your hiding a monster.And i can give numerous exsamples.One is the one urna just delt with in the past month that dan spoke of.So if u think u are so rightious join the preist hood.
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