URNotAlone

chrissybits closet

January 14th, 2008 6:46 pm MST

 As toddler I noticed I was different from my sister once as my ma bathed us. I remember asking my mom what was wrong with me? She said there was noting wrong with me. It what made me a boy. I can remember telling her I didn’t want it. As I grew up tried to tried to jump rope, play with the barbies and easy bake oven, with my sister and her girlfriends. My ma would make me play w/the boys, I learned to play base ball and foot ball, along w/ fights.Going to leave out many details might bring up later. But I was very aware my ma and dad where trying to instill masculinity. My dad would praise me for getting into fights with the other boys. I built the models played w/ the other boys in the area. My dad was proud when id made a wooden tool box. I must a been about 6 yrs old. I was sent to my grandparents in fla and spent a week w/ my aunt and cousins. My aunt wouldn’t let me play w/the girls my age.Ma must had said something. And was strangely a ware I liked helping my oldest cousin patty w/ the laundry. And helped her get ready for a girl party she was having .She had little bowls of M&Ms laid out. I thought how nice it be to wet to wear the pretty things like her and her friends did. But my aunt was hip to my hanging around with the girls. She told me id get in trouble if I didn’t start playing w/ my cousin Alan. I tried to say he and his friends where to old and the girls where my age. She didn’t bye it. So I was forced to play w/ the boys. I got poked with a stick after falling off a block wall as I played combat w/ the local boys, than gashed my arm.So much for being a boy.Than it was off to my grandparents. In Tavernier Fla. Sent my time waiting on the grey hound to sell lemonade to the passengers.By now I was well aware I was expected to behave as a boy. And had learned even fighting I was rewarded and punished for femininity. So I acted the boy .And that even a bad boy was good.We moved into a new house and I found a bag of clothes. I hid that bag and at nite Id wear them to bed .When no one was home id dress up in them and play house by my self. I was real good at changing into boy clothes.Giggles.In jr high I lived close enough to come home for lunch and would put on at least my panties since gym class was over. I was heart broken when my bag of clothes where found and taken away. So I started wearing my sisters things,Id try and keep a pair of panties and night gown for bed..Id put most back like her dresses. Don’t u know shed catch me and wake me up rather rudely.You have to remember the era. They where imprisoning people for being gay, Guys marked as gay where treated very badly even beaten up. An airline pilot was fired for being unstable since they where now female.GOD what’s wrong with me.Im a boy in not supposed to be a girl. Went to great lengths to hide. But im a girl.Well unless I want to be beaten or worse I hadto hide this. Top that off I lived in a phobic house hold and add in the fact that the bible thumpers said that homosexuals as well as cross dressers where damned.Im screwed.That didn’t stop me. I quickly learned I could steel female clothing at friends homes and the store. And grew my hair long. Was very inventive how-to hide my things. But that wasn’t always good. But they ever found all my stash of clothes. Still play house and watched my ma sew and cook.Altough my dad would have me help work on the car when it was broke.I wanted to be a girl. But all I new told me I couldn’t was made to feel it was the most shameful thing a boy could do. I got turned on to grass.Id go out into the woods where no one would be built me a hut and dressed up. And the high made me feel very fem. But also mixed up with quilt.Most considered me the bad boy and I was. As a result I joined the corps. Wearing boxers for boot camp. Couldn’t stand them things. My wall locker inspections where tight all my gear up to exspections.Go figure I wore panties 99% of the time. When able go run out into the S.C woods /Marsh and dress up. Only part about playing dress up was I was alone. Keeping the bad boy image alive to cover my secret up. Ended up in some scrapes with athorities.And Lead me to party w/ the out laws as well as knew a few of there enemy the invaders. Yes I rode hard and fast and partied. But you know they started questioning why I didn’t have a gf.More than that they set me up w/ a gg.First time I ran away from her mostly because she was very unattractive. The first time I went to bed with a gal they set me up with I made an excuses to go to the bath room to remove my panties, but that wouldn’t hide the fact I was smooth between my legs. And perfectly honest I have no idea why the gal didn’t notice or at least tell. I did have a one gf that knew and would play dress up with me. Shed comb my hair and put make up on me. She was married but I loved her. But most Ggs would tell stories. Most of the guys would play it off as my gf being made cause we broke up. And just wanted to cause trouble. The gal id married knew I liked to dress up, But we never connected as gfs.In reality she wanted to fix me.Livin that way was miserable and the divorce that fallowed almost killed me. If it wasn’t for the MCC church in Elizabeth town Ky and the lbtg community Id not be here, Now.It was here I tried to live as a female at least when not at work. Quickly realized it wouldn’t be that easy. I was relying on my skill as a welder to survive. Eventually came out at my job there. But was fired when a married guy who had proposition me for a bj that I turned down. He and his friend made my boss think I started a fight and was fired.Goerge was a black guy and a friend .Not to forget we worked together. I let him in on my secret and he and his family accepted me. They knew I lived alone and invited me over for thanksgiving dinner as female. I have to giggle it took George a long time before I let him meet me and than only when he had his gf w/ him. But living as a female back than just wasn’t possible for me. The next month was a night mare. Its now the holiday season of 97.It was hard enough loosen my family ,trying to hang on to life. And to loose my income. I was done. If it wasn’t for a cd who is still a good friend as well as some gay and lesbians Id not be here. I was done. But u know they gave me the courage to go on. And although it was late George had proved to the boss that my getting fired was a set up and the 2 fired. All this made it easy to come out upon my return to the Chicago metro area But first I had to put my life in position to to transition. After all most insurance companies wont cover it.Getting out and doing normal things like shopping once in a while or going out to the bars or a restaurant w/others like me.Takin the mones and electrolosist.Till the time I had my target reached to give up the males life I lived. Last few years only my goal kept me there. I tried to get the oil industry to accept .The last couple years when I had extended time off I lived for that time as a gal in real life. And my goal coming in reach.Finally I seen things going on at work and I knew the time was nearing.9/18 I made my jump. In ways I felt it was early but I was ready. My horoscope among other things. Still wearing a wig and my make up done I went to the dmv so my drivers license would match along w/ a few other things. At the DMV I ran into and said hi to one of the office girls from my former job. And went about living 24/7 .I’ve done things as a typ gg.Some of those I consider mile stones in my path. Like taking my car to the garage, going to the hardware store, and the mall and department stores during the holiday shopping season. Now I’m looking forward to laying out side in a bikini. Going to beach that will be a biggy.Now I’m hoping to get into beauty school..Im a little handicapped but since I style my own hair I think I can do it. Besides just being around Ggs for the most part I think will help smooth some rough edges. I do well going shopping and out in the general public but I can do better.Now that I have my 36 Cs ,my own hair and can take care of further personal construction projects on my own. After completing school. Ill Be able to lend a hand in a relationship.In some situations my dress even casual is ment to make the guys in general not question my being female. And no I feel it wrong if a guy thinks I’m anything but a pre op ts.Esp. if he’s trying to hit on me.And I am a bit of a home body. When I do go out don’t think that I’m easy. That I am not.Ive had a few try and take advantage in a predatory way and have handled it. Am I innocent no guys I’m not.Niether are u. Though I may dress rather sexy doesn’t make me easy. When im not feeling all shy and bashful I have an exhibitionist side. I love mirrors, posing for the camera.Don’t think buying me a drink is going to get you more than a conversation. And if u take me to a restaurant its not Mc Ds. The first time we meet I don’t care where your from if u like me you make the trip no stings attached. And no promices.After that if it goes good that’s different. I’m not a toy don’t treat me like one. I don’t need your money so don’t insult me.