URNotAlone

My thoughts on being called Beautiful

August 10th, 2006 6:22 pm MDT

  
 
   HAPPY AUGUST to all friends here at urna! This season has been so full of praise and flattery from all kind members that have reached out to me on my profile since I joined two months ago. I cannot thank you all enough for your encouragements through kind comments and the loving support of a monthly vote. I am so pleased to have crossed paths with many of you here. Wonderful people such as Sherry P, Karen Reeves, Heather Thompson, Allason Lynn Beau, her partner Atsilv, Sassy-Cat-Joan, Nicole Tracy, a new friend Lena Gibbson, JR Admire, Michel-Jean, Steve Jensen, Ernie, and many others, males and females. You are all truly marvellous beautiful people! 
   As a connaisseure of all things beautiful I often take visual pleasure at admiring women of all shapes and sizes. I find that everyone has something beautiful to offer if the observer only takes the initiative of looking deep enough without prejudice of what form we feel beauty should be. As I interact with many in daily living I indulge in viewing the variety of subjects on my people watching.
   One of my favorite pastimes is sitting at an outdoor cafe on Newbury Street having a cup of afternoon tea watching the so called "Beautiful People" passing by. I remark on the softness of many women's features, and harshness as well, the flat chested slim look of the 70's Vogue, the baywatch big breasted bombshells, the obese, the stocky, the blonds, the brunnetes, the redheads, all attired in an array of different hues, of the fashionable or unfashionable.
   I also like going to Jacques Cabaret here in the heart of Boston's Bay Village in admiration of the many attractive transgendered girls of different styles and adornment. Some slender and wispy with sunken cheekbones, some muscularly athlethic, some pumped up and voluptuous through the aid of medical science or silicone injections, some wholesome and natural, some tall with long legs that go on for days, some short and cute, some older and gracious while others young and perky, some stand-offish, some rather friendly, some round and rotund, some passable, some not, and others so flambouyantly colorful in their make-up and fashion. I absorb the many faces of beauty without criticism or judgement.
   I was reflecting on what it means to have true beauty in oneself the other day. What is it's significance or meaning to me? Without a doubt there is a physical beauty. But that alone is empty and unremarkable without the power of inner magnificence of true loveliness. Have you ever observed a so-called ugly individual with whom as you begin speaking to and learning more about is suddenly transformed before your eyes through their shining inner light? I find that kind of beauty to be most moving, inspiring, and ageless.
   Growing up I had always strived to be accepted as a woman using magazines or the media as my guide which didn't help me with my inferiority complex about my features. I had often thought I was the ugliest person in the world. I hated my nose which I thought was too big, my almond eyes which didn't look european, my high cheekbones which I thought made me look mongoloid and my lips were so big and red that I was often teased derogatorily for having; and to top it all off I was flat and so anorexicly skinny. I longed to have curves and have the face of a famous model I was a fan of. Puberty was hard for me with the onset of testostorone setting in, I was so panic stricken. I had developed acne too, as most teenage male bodies normally do when in their teens. I was repulsed at looking in the mirror.
  Now all grown-up and after being on female hormones for many years, along with a proper diet, excercise, and vitamins, I am more settled in my femininity. My breast are now the size I am happy with. My hips expanded with added fat and my skin became softer, smoother, clearer, and more luminous. I also decided against a nose job, which I learned to accept after my body eventually grew into proportion with it. My high cheekbones and almond eyes are now what people compliment me repeatedly on and my lips have been deemed sensous by most men. I guess I am the classic ugly duckling story but I am yet unfinished in my metamorphosis. I would like to perhaps have a sex change one day, though I realize that it is only a cosmetic convenience which doesn't at all alter what I am always in between my ears, a female psyche.
   I hardly think I am physically perfect, still having moments when I feel homely or plagued by the occasional self-doubt. But unlike before I am not as bothered by it anymore. I have learned to revel in my own skin making the most with what I have. Besides I don't think I would really want to meet anyone who is bodily perfect if there is such a person. I'm sure I would find them rather shallow and ofcourse it would bore me. Our faults and imperfections I believe can be tools to help us on being a driving force to better ourself and develop a more interesting persona. Nothing more attractive to me than a person who overcame their struggles for the good.
   Even in my adulthood there is still an inner child's need for acceptance and to feel loved, by being beautiful enough. The difference is that I have more wisdom in understanding what and where that ache is coming from. Everywhere nature's creatures is shouting to be heard and longing to feel alive and be noticed. The flowers that color our gardens with it's fragrant enticements, the male peacock in it's grandeur, the caterpillar in it's cocoon ready to burst out as a butterfly, the trees giving of their fruits, and all around us is voiced a natural instinct for survival through procreation. Being civilized intelligent humans ofcourse we can choose to turn that energy (as many do) for use as recreation.
   In the very act of reflecting on these universal marvels, there comes about in me an unsolicited ease, a realization of the workings of that need to be worthy enough. An austere discernment that frees me from the pain of feeling unworthy. It is this spirit that nurses me into comprehending the value of love and acceptance beginning at home first. A source that is not jealous, insincere, unfaithful, fleeting, nor does it ever leave one. Love and acceptance is a giving experience not solely from others but more importantly and more significantly of oneself.
   I sing with life's call and celebrate beauty with all it's expressions. I am worthy of good things as does all souls. Beauty comes in many forms. Whether through practicing kindness of manner, politeness in speech, keeping well groomed, practicing good hygiene, attaining more skills, humility of spirit, compassion and patience of other's failings as well as my own, overcoming conditionings, and the many ways I can build self-esteem on irregardless of what others lacking might or might not throw my way.
   So as I splurge in my idle admiration of feminine beauty in all it's different degree's, I look at myself as well with a silent mind, without judgement or comparisons. Unoccupied with focusing on shortcomings, I am recognizing that we are all delicious, giving of different flavors. Some are oranges, some are apples, some are pears, negligent of what taste you prefer! Not limited by just the black and white to perception; I wonder at the numerous tones of True Beauty.
   Now gladly I affirm wholeheartedly:
      I am Woman, proudly Transgendered, but more importantly a Loving Human Being!