Melanie B
"May all you dreams come true in 2009"
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"May all you dreams come true in 2009"
© 1995-2008 URNotAlone.com, All Rights Reserved. All items © Copyright by their respective owners, used here with their consent.
Page generated in 2.93 seconds
New Photos Coming
Kimberly Elise January 6th, 2009 6:30 am MSTI had a formal makeover and photo session on Sunday, January 4th. Later this week I should have some new photos, my first big group of new photos since last May. They will include some casual "bare leg" looks with denim and flip flops, as well as some more dressed up office lady looks. Some of the photos will show off the pedicure I had (vivid pink nail polish). Also, my hair is in a longer style now, well below my shoulders. Kim :-)
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Rachelle Elizabeth Williams January 3rd, 2009 4:49 pm MSTHi Girls and Gurls. Had a lovely Christmas season and a happy New Year! Did a lot of shopping in the fall especially in November and December. Have not been able to shoot pics like I would have liked with company and all. Its been nuts!! Have been collecting a whole bunch of nice new blouses, some new hose, high heeled boots, some polyester pants, sateen skirts, bras, panties, and the like. It has been very good as far as clothes shopping.
Looking forward to 2009 and working on my makeup, appearance and photo skills. Love to shoot photos if you can't tell. Hope that everyone on this site has a great New Year and I hope to hear more from my sisters on here soon.
XOXOXOXOXO,
Rachelle
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This Transgender Existance: Where I Am
Georgieanna Gwendolyn Gorgeous January 3rd, 2009 11:30 am MSTI was chattign on line with a friend last night and discussing where I am in my journey and the reasons for such.
In the way of a little background I am now 52 soon to be 53(May 5 too close whew!!) but then again age is only one more label we use to define ourselves. Around the age of 9 I had my first experience related to wht I at the ti me saw as cross dressing. I always saw it as that in my formative years but somehow the sinning of female attire was never about sexual gratifacation there was always something more it seemed to transport me to a more calm and serene feeling. Being raised a wasp this conflicted with not only my socialization but what I was taughta s a protestant. Of course by the time I reached puberty I was invovled in scouting and so many other male oriented activities that I was able to ignore or at least sublimate the other desires.
Through high school I would have been considered to be shy around girls. As I have matured and come to understand myself bettter I now realize what I at the time thought were crushes on several girls were not that at all. I now believe that I was atracted to their feminine beauty and strength because though physically I apeared to be male psychologically and spiritually I was struggling to gain my female awareness. What I was really desiring was that my shysical attributes would have allowed me to share true gender with other females and to experience and share those pubescent rituals with the girls. Through college I once again was able to sublimate my true self because my focus was on graduating andd starting a life.
Many times through my 20's and even into my early 40's I would return secrectly to the dressing to satisfythe innerneeds. Always it woudl be fine for a short period of timethen my religious and social upbringing would surface and I would feel deep guilt why am I this way boys don't have those desires besides its a sin just look in the bible. my major confusion was based on the misinformation that I was exposed to growing up the idea that boys that wanted to dress as girls were gay. Yet I k newin my own heart and mind that my sexual orientation was not gay so what was wrong with me if I wa snot gay why did I harbor this desire to dress female and even more why did I expereince such an overwhelming sense of calm and joy when I was dreswed female?
As I reeached my mid 40's the conflict reached a point where I could no longer ignore the needs. The major event in my life at this time that put on more a road of self discovery was my first pc and my first encounter with the internet. The first search parameters I ever typed into an engine were the terms cross dresser, transvestite and transsexual.this was such an ephipany for me becasue though logically I probably always comprehended that I was not the only one to see thousands uppon thousands of sites dealing withthe whole tg spectrum was proof positive that I was not alone. At this point in my journey I immediately accepted that I was a cross dresser and felt such a relief of burden becasue if I there were so manyothers aroudn the world not only was I not alone but maybe I wasn't so strange.
Through another girl I meant in a chat room I was guided to Trie Ess ( The Society for The Second Self):a national and international organzation that is a support group for cds an d their families> Upon reading the theory of the second self I came to the revalation that this made sense about who I was and where I fit. This was 8years ago and in the beginning of my self realization this was a comfortable place for me I could express myself in a group of like minded people. I was able to get out once a month as my inner female self. Somewhere in the middle of the second year of my tri ess association I realized that accepting myself as a cross dresser was just a step ina much larger journey. What led me tothis realization is one saturday night after returning home from the monthly meeting I had such a heavy sense of dread that Ihad to remove al the clothing and make up and go back to the male appearance. It was at this point that Iunderstood that identifying as a cd had been a comfortable place to start but it wasn't really me. It was that nightthat I began identifying myself as transsexual.
Though due to circumstances in my life at this time I still live the majority of my life as a male I now identify as a non op ts female. Many people I have spoken with feel that its wrong for me to identify this way because niether am I yet living even 50% of the time as female or on hrt (hormone replacement therapy). My answer to that is that I know in my inner beign that I am female and that point can not be argued. I also am told that becasue I have not revealed this to my immediate family I am not being true to myself. My answer to that is especially with my parents becasue of their age and the time they were brought up in its better not to ask them to deal with it. Also as htey are in their 80s and my mother isstricken with ms and my father is her care giver I think it would be quite selfish of me to make this an issue for them. As I gro tounderstand myself more I also have come to the conclusion that as much as we want others to accept that this is whowe truly are that it is hard to lay that expectation on them when it takes us so long to understand and accept ourselves.
I have found ways to cope. I have several very close ts girlfriends that constantly express thier love and support and provide encouragement. Theyhave helped me to understand that while many of us take this journey each of us is unique in that we each find the paththat owrks best for us.
My friend told me last night that she thought I was being strong and valiant by considering my parents needs over mine. Iam not sure if that is the case I just know that as my inner female traits grow and develope that in an indirect way while they still seee me as their son they are getting to nowtheir daughter.
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Candis Beach January 2nd, 2009 12:20 pm MSTTAG Sale MY MOMS HOUSE IN NY !!!!!! lots of vintage stuff !!!!!! sale date is the 17th of jan ... if intrested , PM me !!!! thanx gals
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We are Evil?
Tammie Lynn Huber January 1st, 2009 6:45 pm MSTSo now, at age 51, because I chose happiness instead of sadness, life instead of suicide and although I am a good person, I love all people, regardless of any differences...as I have always, I am honest, I have never taken drugs, never been drunk, never committed theft, have always reached out to help anyone that I could...now, some people, the Catholic church and others consider me evil and a lessor human?
Even though I am still a hard working individual and pay taxes, I am not aloud to marry my one true love, another male to female transsexual?
I can be fired from my job in most states, denied medical care, and the federal government and anti-LGBT Churches, condones the violence against us.
Is that the actions of a good government and a righteous church?
The pope says if we are aloud to marry that the human race will eventually die out because humans will cease to propagate, what?
Two things, first; we are going to overpopulate this planet into ruin or kill it by other means, second; LGBT have been here since the beginning of man like I said and look how the we have grown in the past 4000 years.
We are no threat to any one's existence, we only want the same rights that every human being deserves, and yes, I fight for everyone who needs help gaining equal rights, not just our community.
Would they practice some type of genocide if given the chance?
Do they condone the violence perpetrated against the LGBT community?
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2008 in Review
Danâ„¢ & Erinâ„¢ December 31st, 2008 2:28 pm MSTWell, it's definitely been an interesting year. A lot has happened. I ended a relationship with the best girlfriend I've ever had (though she still wasn't right), I've watched my prosperity complete dry up, I've almost completely stopped smoking and my drinking is almost not even noticeable at this point. I've fallen in love with the most incredible woman and I'm slowly figuring things out.
When the year began, I was worried about money. My company stopped producing and selling adult content which resulted in a massive drop of revenue. Around the same time, I broke my primary revenue producing website preventing people with IE 6 from accessing it, so I spent most of the year working on a new design which finally went online in August.
I really thought most of my financial problems were my fault. The result of changes in my companies business model and my own failing's running the web sites. In fact, I was so busy trying to figure out what I was doing wrong that I didn't notice the world collapsing slowly outside my window.
I had to cash in my kids college funds to pay bills. I had to cancel my life insurance to pay bills. When my car died, I decided to sell it for scrap rather than repair it. Fewer bills again. My house is usually a bit chilly and dark to save on utilities. I've reduced my monthly budget by around 2,000. I've been selling furniture to buy groceries.
For everything that had gone wrong, I'm optimistic. Not because I see an end in sight, but because I feel like I'm getting a handle on things. I have the best friends of my life. I'm in love for the first time in my life. I'm relatively healthy and my kids are healthy and seem well adjusted.
I think things are going to get worse. A lot worse, but I'm confident that we'll all get through this. As a planet, we need to step back and assess what's important. We need to focus on the things that need to be done, and we need to start working towards a better future.
I think we'll do it.
I hope.
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Is there anything wrong with that?
Jenna Nicole Guinn December 31st, 2008 10:11 am MSTI had my eyebrows shaped for the first time. I like the look for both sides of me. In guy mode, it gives me a clean look. In girl mode, it makes me look more feminine. Is there anything wrong with having eyebrows that are shaped and clean looking? I don't think so and I don't care if anyone else does.
I had my first manicure recently. It gave my hands a cleaner look and the manicure itself felt great on my hands. Is there anything wrong with getting a manicure from time to time? I don't think so and I don't care if anyone else does.
Until earlier this year, I have always had hangnails; some more painful than others. Now, I moisturize my hands regularly and don't get hangnails anymore. Is there anything wrong with moisturizing my hands to avoid getting hangnails? I dont' think so and I don't care if anyone else does.
It's sad what humans put themselves through just because society doesn't approve. Why suffer needlessly? As long as I'm not hurting myself or anyone else then I will do what I think is best for me...both sides of me.
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Carolpink December 31st, 2008 3:09 am MSTWishing you all a Merry Christmas a happy new year and great 2009
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Perpetual Change — by Pamela DeGroff
Julie Olivia Buse December 30th, 2008 2:30 am MSTSeptember 22, 2008
Perpetual Change — by Pamela DeGroff
From time to time, Perpetual Change will take a slight deviation from the regular playlist. This month is just such a time. The first transgender blugrass musician to be featured in the column is this month’s artist, Julie Olivia Buse. Over the years, it seems like every conceivable style of music has been discussed, even dissected, here. Bluegrass is a welcome addition, and in coming months, there will be more surprises.
On a sombre note, this month’s installment features the first obituary of a transgender musician we’ve ever posted, I believe. In actuality, it’s more of a rememberance of Stacey Fair Tessler, who passed away September 3, 2007. Mention was made of the anniversary of her passing on the TG Music Society’s discussion group. This is an opportunity to honor one of our own.
Julie Olivia Buse
As with most genre’s, bluegrass has had spikes and lows in its popularity. The older generation of Opry stars such as Ralph Stanley and Bill Monroe kept the style active when the fickle mainstream public moved on to whatever happened to be the musical flavor du jour. Younger artists such as Bela Fleck, Ricky Skaggs, and Allison Krouse took it to newer audiences, injected the music with their own styles, and have kept it viable well into a new century.
Bluegrass has settled into a niche where it’s often comfortably lumped into a sub-catagory known as Americana Music. Its audience is diverse-from fans of some of the above mentioned artists, to the folks who attend bluegrass festivals across the country.
As with practically every other style of music, there are transgender muscians who love and play bluegrass. Julie Olivia Buse of Yakima, Washington, is proficient at 5 string banjo, guitar, and harmonica.
“I’ve been playing the 5 string banjo…for, oh 20 years now,” she said. “I think, so I pick. I started playing, in of all places, Enid, Oklahoma. I’ve always lovd the banjo, and at the time there were not many banjo recordings to listen to. I said to myself, if I learn to play, I can listen to all the banjo music I want.”
Julie doesn’t claim any formal music training, and is largely self-taught. The only thing close to training were some pointers from the music store owner who sold her her first banjo.
As with most musicians, Julie continued to seek out the music that challenged and influenced her the most. She counts among her favorites artists such as Earl Scruggs, Bela Fleck, Roy Clark, and Dick Weissman. Going outside the box, Julie also regards John McEuen, B.B. King, and Louis Armstrong as important sources of inspiration.
What was working was finally making the decision to take control of the gender issue, and start making the music she always wanted to make.
One outlet besides the occasional gig is providing some of the music for a local cable access show in her home town. Her music is also available online, and she says she’ll be adding more soon.
In closing, Julie had this to say to fellow musicians: “Just keep picking, blowing or whatever to your heart’s content. You find it will keep you company and it’s a great ice-breaker. The music in your heart will always be there.”
Stacey Fail Tessler
From The Denver Post:
Jami Bantry, a member of the TG Music Society, said this about her:
Stacey also was friends with New York musician/producer/guitar whiz Robert Urban. There was talk of a musical collaboration, and who knows what would have come together had things been different.
Stacey wrote and recorded over 50 songs, and her tune The Weird Turn Pro, can be found on the TGMS 2005 release of the organization’s Compilation 1. It’s one of those tunes that’s stylistically hard to catagorize. Almost techno, almost new age, almost prog rock, The Weird Turn Pro is a tribute to her own transsexuality.
Stacey had family friends…and fans. She will not be forgotten.
To hear Julie’s music, check out www.julies-music.com; www.myspace.com/juliesmusic; www.banjohangout.org/myhangout/home.asp?id=18286 Julie can be emailed at: athena60_98@yahoo.com
The TG Music Society Compilation 1 is available through
tg_music_society@yahoogroups.com and also through
amazon.com)
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First Journal Posting 28 Dec 2008
Teri Ray December 28th, 2008 2:18 pm MSTFirst time at posting a journal comment. I havent dressed in ages. I miss it. Hope to have a chance to dress soon. Huggs Teri
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First Public Outing
Jenna Nicole Guinn December 28th, 2008 9:32 am MSTLast night was so wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect first public outing. Driving to the TParty dressed en femme was fun (I love driving in heels). I wasn't nervous at all when I arrived at the club. I won't forget the feeling I got when I stepped out of my car wearing the little black dress and knee high boots (with 6" heels). What a rush! Actually, I got plenty of rushes that night. Barbara, who I had met at a CD support group meeting was at the party. She is absolutely the best girl friend I could ask for. Barbara and I are very much alike. She was able to nudge me just enough to get me to do things I've been wanting to do for a long time. We stepped outside the club a few times just to stand outside and admire ourselves in the mirror-like windows of the club. :) During our second trip outside, we took a little stroll to the next street corner. That was a rush!
At about 11 o'clock, Barbara, two other girls and I went to a bar to see a drag show. The thrilling part there was walking across the street to get to the bar and back to the car. Again, what a rush! After watching only part of the drag show, we drove around downtown Columbus before returning to the club.
Barbara and I weren't ready to call it a night. So, we decided to drive to a section of town called the Short North which is TG friendly. Barbara found a parking spot on the street and that's when things got really fun. I was a little hesitant (not nervous) about getting out of the car but Barbara was there to give me that little nudge I needed. Once I got out of the car, I felt completely at ease. We walked for a several blocks; crossing the street twice. It felt so good knowing that people were looking at me while I was crossing the street. To have the headlights of cars pointed at me was so thrilling. What a rush!
Needless to say, I had a night I will never forget. Barbara made most of it happen. I cannot thank her enough.
Meeting all the girls was great. Thank you Suzi for making me feel so welcomed. I can't wait for my next TParty!
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Damn
Debra Anne Johnson December 27th, 2008 10:19 pm MSTWell I know it's been some time since posting but I did try durning URNA's rebuilding.
So here we go,
OK as most everyone know Tammie and I have been together now going on 3 yrs yes 3 yrs and this past September we had our Commitment ceremony (like marriage) and had to kinda rush it together as I had gotten a new job in Seattle Washington and had my start date like the 6th of October. So for all that didn't know about Tammie and I ya do know LOL.
Well this is just an update and to also say and tell others that just because your a TS doesn't mean you can't get a good job and that the job needs to be only a "T: friendly place. Look at me......I got a good job and I am a Preop TS not even Postop so there is really truth in that just cause your TS you can't find a good job. Yes I had to struggle and also work bad jobs but I kept plugging away and landed this job. I had to fly from Ohio to WA for the interview and go through an interview with 7 people in the room (talk about feeling like a gold fish in a bowl at feeding time) and answer all kinds of questions coming from everywhere. So yes I was the one being stared at by all of the men in the room and trying to get a job in a male dominated industry. Well DAMN I got the job offer like a week after we went out there and it made us look at things in a different light.
Tammie and I when we were in Cincinnati Ohio were very involved in the LGBT community and trying progress our community even when we were called traitors by our own side of the community because we were on HRC's diversity committee but yet we worked ahead to try and prove the Trans community is a very valuable part of the LGB community. Well we thought we could just jump back in and go to work with the orgs out here but DAMN we still needed to get our own affairs in order here before we could get back to it and then blam the Prop8 issue in Ca was a big deal here too. They had 10,000 + people attend a march out here and DAMN it was unbelievable to see all the support.
Ok enough of that, we are super SUPER I mean SUPER happy that we moved out here. Yes we miss our friends in Ohio that have become part of our FAMILY but this move was the best thing for Tammie as she is now FULLTIME yeah. Thats another story that she call tell ya.
But to everyone......Yes Tammie and I are DAMN happy and are proud to be TS women.
Hugssss
Well now that we are here it is h
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HAPPY HOLIDAY'S 2008
Jackie Lee Thompson December 27th, 2008 8:14 pm MSTHi Everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It appears the Journal is now working and we can now post new entries (THANK YOU DAN & JON!!!!!).
So, with that being said, I would just like to wish you all a belated MERRY CHRISTMAS.
And when it gets here......Have A Safe and Happy NEW YEAR!!!!!!
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New gene responsible for transsexualism
Tarra December 25th, 2008 8:29 pm MSTI found this online today and thought I would share this with everyone. According to scientists in Australia, they have uncovered another part of the human DNA that is responsible for transsexual behavior. "Vincent Harley, of Prince Henry's Institute in Melbourne, said his team's study of 112 Australian and American male-to-female transsexuals found they were more likely to have a genetic variation in a gene that could lead to a feminisation of the brain during early development." What I think is the best about this news is soon doctors can decide a babies gender by a DNA test instead of looking between the legs!! you can check out the article I found HERE.
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Christmas
Tarra December 25th, 2008 8:27 pm MSTMy Christmas was the best! I was able to spent it with my Dad, I haven't had a Christmas with my Dad in almost 10 years! My Wife, Dad, my soon to be Mom, and myself played the Wii until we ran all the batteries dead...hehehe!! We ate duck, the first time for me (it was actually very good), mash potatoes, and the like. My Wife and I got gift cards to AMC Theaters, Papa Johns, Applebee's, and Regal Cinema's... so thats a couple dinner and movie dates! Also, on my birthday, all of us (dad, wife, mom, and I) are going to Epcot at Disney World!! Can't wait! My (bio) mom is also sending me a digital camera so I will be taking plenty of new pics and posting them soon!! I hope that everyone else had a wonderful Christmas!
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Merry xMas!
Danâ„¢ & Erinâ„¢ December 25th, 2008 7:35 am MST[2 comments]
xmas
Carolpink December 25th, 2008 3:46 am MSTHi to all my friends (A very big and happy Christmas Hug) love Carol xx
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Update so far
Tarra December 24th, 2008 9:36 am MSTWhen I told my dad about me being transsexual he was absolutely supportive of it! I truely am blessed to have a dad like him. I have been on my hormone regimen now for 3 months with no slip ups. I have started dressing full time now... I no longer have any of my boy clothes anymore. I recently moved from clermont, fl to saint petersburg, fl. I got a job working as an assembler at florida's pool products making boo-koo bucks... I will now be making enough money to save for my orchiectomy surgery. Oh, my dad has started using female pronouns with me, calling me her and she instead of those dreadful male pronouns!! My mom and sister who live in anchorage, ak sent me my christmas and bday gift in one... it was a Walt Disney World birthday package. So, on january 8th (my bday) my dad, my soon to be step mom, my wife, and I are all going to Epcot! Can't wait for that day, its going to be so much fun!! My mom is sending me her old digital kodak camera for christmas/bday so I can get into my photography hobby. Thank you mom! I just hope it gets here before my Disney/Bday celebration so I can have some wonderful pic's to share! My wife and I are still abit unsure on what to do for new years as there is so much to see and do here... but we are leaning toward attending the new years ball at Georgie's Alibi in st. pete. Anyways, as you can see I am having a great time and a wonderful life!!!! Till next time, Tarra
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Kelli's First SCC--and, First Flight!
Kelli Nicole E December 24th, 2008 1:41 am MST**This blog was written in early October, so please don't be confused by any "day/time" mentionings. And, if you do you this--Thank you, so much! It was written with a lot of excitement in my mind and love in my heart.
Hello everyone! Well…I finally did it…no, I didn’t climb Mt. Everest…but, in a way, I did climb over a big mountain called “Fear” or, “Anxiety” or, “Apprehension”….and, all of those feelings now seem far behind me, even though it’s only been a week now since I first arrived in Atlanta for the Southern Comfort Conference. Yes, I just said I was at THE SCC!! WOOHOO!!! (calm down sweetie, you have a HUGE blog to write…maybe an all-nighter…I better go make some food….) So, yes, this blog may run a bit long…longer than usual for me at least…but, hey, this just may have been not only one of THE best weeks of my life….but, maybe, one of the most important times I’ve ever had, especially as a girl of course. And, not only for the time spent within the confines of the SCC experience, but I also traveled there and back home as Kelli. That’s HUGE for me!!
The whole time was amazing….well, let me tell ya a little bit about it. Please count the “!’s” I use—could be a record!!
Let’s start at the beginning of this “SCC process”. As some of you already know, I requested, and received a scholarship from SCC, and also had MAJOR help in getting there(flight paid for by a loving and precious girlfriend, whose wish of staying anonymous will be honored), and staying there at the Crowne Plaza-Ravinia(with 2 girlfriends, Bridgett and then Tracy, who both said “not to worry, we’ll take care of it…”), and help with clothes from another girlfriend, Samantha. And last but certainly not least—my wife, because, if it wasn’t for her agreeing, at least up to a point, that this trip would be a good thing for me, I may not have went...but then again, to pass up this opportunity...and, with others who were out there, offering help....plus, my desire to go was SO high... so it would have been difficult not to go. And of course, if she wasn’t doing well enough, and someone(thankfully, her parents were here then) couldn’t be here the day I flew out—she had her last chemotherapy treatment that day…I probably wouldn’t have went. And, also, she gave me some spending money…practically all the money I brought with me($100), so I knew she was at least somewhat "pro-SCC for Kelli". And, I had more help when I was there, but that’s getting ahead of myself. And, I think I’m done with thinking: “Why me, why am I SO fortunate??” I just need to do the same for someone else someday.
Wednesday, October 1
Ok, so, being without much money to use for this trip(I started out with $100…and, this was a concern, not all the time, but it was in the back of my mind most of the time while there), I wanted to park the car(another concern—it’s about on it’s last legs…or axles) at the nearest train station(for free) and take the train 30 miles to the airport ($2), instead of parking near the airport for $12 a day(which means I’d need $60 abouts when I got back--more on that later) …well, it didn’t quite work out the way I planned—mostly my fault, I waited till the last moment to pack, and then I couldn’t get it all in one bag(extra bag--$50), so, being stubborn as always, I brought the extra bag, since I wanted as many clothing options as possible! By this time, it was about an hour past my planned time to leave(longer travel time using the train to the airport vs. car only), so I had to get going(EEEEK I didn’t wanna be late!!), so said bye-bye to my wife, but not without thanking her again... and I took off…and, about 2 miles out of town, I looked over and…EEEEK, I forgot my purse!!
So, knowing I have the cops in my back pocket, I sped back home and grabbed it, and said my goodbye’s again to Jeannie. An hour or so later I made it to the parking area and then the airport and the gate with around 40 minutes to spare. But, not before spending $50 for that extra bag…so, I now had $50 to spend at SCC over a 5 day period. 
Now that I look back on that, it’s totally amazing how practically everything had to work out right…and, it did!(more on that later) Oh…and, I forgot to mention—I was “dressed” from the time I left the house, until I arrived back home on Sunday night. Yay!! Going through security went smoothly…even got ‘ma’amed”(first of many times!). The flight was smooth and easy, and quick(Yay, I had things to do!! (teehee). The next challenges were picking up my luggage and using the MARTA train to travel north, stopping near the hotel. All good there too! I think a couple people were looking at me…but, hey, I’m cute, maybe that was the reason. 
So, now I’m getting off the train, and I know it’s only around a ½ mile to the hotel, so, in my infinite wisdom, I decide to walk over there…I needed some exercise anyway, so off I went. I think it took 30 minutes to walk that half mile—traffic lights galore(grrr), plus hauling almost as much weight as I weigh…but still, I could see the “Crowne Plaza—Ravinia” sign in front of me! “One foot in front of the other, Kelli girl, you can do it, this is where you’ve wanted to go and what you’ve wanted to do for SUCH a long time….” And, I did it!!
I didn’t see any trumpeters blowing a tribute, or banners welcoming me, specifically(next year), but that’s ok, I arrived, safe and sound, and no significant complications. That wouldn’t be quite the truth going back home….but anyway, now it was time to celebrate!
I checked in…though that turned out to be a bit of a trick(I forgot the name Bridgett used to check into her room, oooops), but they finally relented in giving me a key(I practiced my eye-batting and pouting techniques on the plane). I then proceeded up to my room, and then went “Ahhhh”…as I layed on the bed for a few minutes. But not for long! I’m HERE!! And, I gots lots things to doose!! I changed clothes, freshened up a bit, and then headed back down to the lobby. I needed to sign in/register for the conference, so I asked someone at a nearby table where I needed to go. But first, I wanted to see if there was anyone familiar roaming around the front of the hotel, the lobby, and also over at what appeared to be the hotel bar. And, well, yes there WAS someone familiar in there!! OMG…it... was…really…HER! I bet my eyes were as big as her…uhumm, you know…. when I first set eyes on Chloe Prince!
Wow, it was really her, giving me the warmest of hugs!! She then invited me over to their tables for pizza and a drink. And, although I didn’t recognize her at first(duh!), there was Tara, a long time Y360 friend. It was just too cool to have those girls there, along with many others that I didn’t know before, but were of course, just as nice and friendly as Chloe and Tara.(remember, this was, with one exception(albeit a BIG exception, my first time out back in December), the first time I was with other girls in a public setting(I had met Riz in August of 2006, and Jessica, in July of 2007(first time ever dressed with another girl, and also someone else see me dressed—2 of her neighbors)) So, after awhile, Chloe took me down to the registration room, where I met the lovely Debbie Dunkle! But, I had forgot to bring my registration code with me, so, it was back upstairs for that. But, before going back down, we went to her room, and Chloe offered to give me a personal makeover—YAY!! How could I pass that up?? That was SUCH a fun time! But the best part for me was just getting to talk with and be with her. She’s been SO good to me over the past year or so….longer actually…and talking to her, finally, in person…not to mention watching her make me up purtee, was one of THE highlights of my whole time in Atlanta, it really was. I have many wonderful sisters/girlfriends, mostly online, but Chloe’s right “there”, near, or at the top of that fabulous list. I am SO blessed. Thank you so much, Chloe, for helping me start off my time at SCC in a most fabulous way! ((HUGS))
We then parted ways for awhile, as I needed to change again, shave, etc., and hopefully meet up with my roommate Bridgett, and see what her plans were for the evening. And, there she was, the one and only, Bridgett Sommers!! Another heroine to my rescue!
We had a nice talk, and then I proceeded to get ready for the evening, not exactly knowing what I was going to do. I told her that I still needed to register, so I went back down for that. Not long after, Chloe saw me and asked if I was going to Agatha’s Mystery Dinner Theatre. No, not at all, I couldn’t afford it($65)….well, she said someone had to cancel and she had a ticket available. Cool! Sure I’ll go! So, I decided to go up and change clothes again(familiar theme amongst most of us girls while there I’m sure)…and, I almost missed the bus! But, I made it, and I’m glad I did, because I had a lovely and fun time. I sat with Chloe(of course), and made some new friends on the bus over there, and at the dinner table. Everyone had a part to play during the course of the show, which was cool. The 2 actors were quite funny…lame once in awhile, but for the most part it was a fun show. (A sorta play on Annie Oakley) One girl sitting close to us particularly enjoyed it, she was laughing SO loud and often! Little did I know then that this particular gal would play a big part in helping me arrive home on Sunday. Anyway, the show was now over, and we rode back, and I was sitting with Chloe, and she once again, gave me good advice, on how to have fun as much as possible and don’t hold back….knowing that I am somewhat shy, or reticent, when I’m around people I don’t know well. I took her advice to heart…but, I still had those “moments” over my time there. I have to admit, the whole thing was overwhelming at times. But, overall, I think I did pretty good. So, once I got back to the hotel, it was quickly “beddy-bye” time for me. Just too tired…not only from the traveling, and traveling for the first time as Kelli… and, yes, a bit of nerves, but not bad really…I was just exhausted…not getting enough sleep the week before leaving....and I guess the 30 minute hot shower contributed to my fatigue.
Thursday, October 2
For the previous 5 days, I had a total of around 18 hours’ sleep…so, yeah, I was exhausted, and even though I had wanted to attend a 9 o’clock seminar that morning, I’m glad a “slept in” (8:30), since I would need that rest for the rest of the week/weekend! Bridgett had just returned from a run, so we coordinated our plans for the day. There was one other seminar I wanted to attend that day, but mostly I was free to do whatever. So we decided to try the mall for lunch and some shopping afterwards, which freed up most of my morning to mingle and check out the vendor area. There were some nice things I wouldn’t have minded buying there…but, without much money available, I just “window” shopped while there. I really wanted one of those cute little jewelry trees one vendor was selling…oh well, next year. After awhile I went back upstairs to get ready for the mall. This, of course, would be another “first” for me, going shopping(and eating too) en femme. And, as food courts usually are around noonish, it was BUSY! I think I did fine though…it helped that Bridgett was with me, along with Cheryl Jackson, oh and also, our mutual URNA chat room friend, Larry from Toronto—that’s literally what he goes by in that room, “Larry from Toronto”(I’m assuming there are no other Toronto’s in the world.). He was sweet, not that I didn’t think he would be….but, you know, most guys on the ‘Net are like—WEIRD!! Anyway, we had a nice lunch together, and, although I was not particularly looking at people and seeing if they were “looking” at me/us…I’m sure there were a few…but then again, maybe not, but by that point, I really didn’t care, and from my previous day’s experience traveling as me, I wasn’t all that concerned. I had on fairly short denim skirt(what was I supposed to do while in Atlanta, hide my most precious feminine attributes?? >wink< ), a pink tank with a tan hoodie with a pair of tan 3” wedges. No, I’m not exactly “fashion conscience”, like SOOO many girls I met while there in Atlanta, OMG!!(I think that’s great, more power to them!) But, I got by ok while there I think. Anyway, after lunch, Bridgett and I split from Cheryl and Larry and did bit ‘o shoppin’. I mostly watched Bridgett shop actually. But, we did find some great bargains at a couple of stores….can’t think of their names at the moment…wait, Arden B. was one…and Charlotte Rae, I think...anyway, I found a lovely little black dress(never had an “LBD” before), ties over one shoulder, off the other(showing my “K” tatt btw, yay!), and fairly short(duh). (yes, I know, I didn’t have much money…but a couple of girls the day before graciously gave me some spending money, and good thing, or this shopping “swarwey” wouldn’t have been possible) Sweet Bridgett, after I found another dress to wear (and by then the cash was dwindling) for Saturday night, said she would buy it for me!(ya shoulda seen my face then!
) It was all pink, which, for me, was perfect, since this would be my first “ball”(behave!) and pink being by far my fave color….and, above the knees of course. Yay, I now had more options for Friday and Saturday nights! We also paid visits to a MAC store and a VS store…both shockers there, eh girls?? We separated for a bit after that….so, I went to Claire’s and bought a few hoopies. We connected again,, and then I went back on my own to the hotel, walking over with some sweet and fun young kids(ok, I “almost” were their ages). All in all a most pleasant experience for a first time mall chickie. 
I arrived back at the hotel, and not long afterwards, I had to get ready for the evening dinner, back at the mall, at Hudson Grille….and, yes, I received another “freebee”, this time offered by Debbie Dunkle’s lovely wife, Sandy. (By this time, I was wondering if my name really was “Dorothy” and I truly was on a Yellow Brick Road.... ) I rode a shuttle over with my Saturday night roomie Tracy and her her friend Deja, and other girls too. As per usual, I didn’t eat very much…I just have to be careful while dining out, with my screwy food allergies. But anyway, not long after finishing, I was SO pleasantly surprised by a visit from not only Bridgett, but her(and mine too!) good friend Candice, from Boston(she's a good friend via the URNA chat room). OH I had been wanting to meet this girl for SO long! Her nickname in the chat room there is “Sweet Boston Candy”---and she definitely IS one of the sweetest girls I know. I almost started to cry after we hugged…but she said to not do that, and to just be happy that we finally met. After dinner, and after taking some outside photos, we all piled back into the shuttle and back to the hotel. I didn’t have any set plans that night—just “hangin’ around” the hotel, the bar there, or wherever. I did go into the bar for a bit, mingled some…but, I also needed some alone time, to gather my thoughts. It had been a whirlwind 36-ish hours up to that point, and I felt I needed some time to sort things through. Maybe that sounds odd…but, remember, this was only the 2nd time I had ever been out, anyplace, ever…if you can count my whole time at SCC plus the traveling as “one time out”. My first time was last December, on my birthday, no less…and in San Francisco, the so-called “capital of trans”(it sure ain’t Greenville !
). Pretty good deal, with these first two outings, me thinks! So, I layed down on the bed, watching the VP debate…and, that had me so excited that I ….fell asleep. For about an hour…and then I freshened up and went back downstairs, hopefully finding Bridgett and Candy…but, no luck, and I feel like mingling much anymore that night, so I went back upstairs and took another refreshing shower. (Yeah, I know—“Party pooper”, that’s me.) Bridgett came in around 1am…I think…and I said that maybe tomorrow we can all, me her and Candy, go someplace to eat, dancing, etc., and she said that’ll work. “Nite-nite Bridgett” “Nite-nite Kelli”
Friday, October 3
Being the Internet/chat addict that I am, I awoke around 5am, to get an early start on chatting and IM messages…and, I sure didn’t see many girls up at that hour! I did get into the URNA chat room though…but, hardly anyone was there…I guess most were in Atlanta! (What was cool though, was later that day, while chatting on Yahoo Messenger, was making contact with a girl, Adrienne, that I hadn’t chatted with for over a year…and, there she was, as I was sitting in the “mecca” of trans-celebration!) So, after awhile, I picked up a bagel, a drink, and went back upstairs to get ready for the day. (Btw, I wore a white long-sleeved sweater with a pink tank underneath, along with a denim skirt and 2” tan wedges--hmmm, sounds familiar. And all either were from Goodwill or Payless…kinda sad isn't it? But, at the same time, some really good bargains…plus, with our finances as they are….sigh.) Another BIG day planned, this time with seminars, the career fair, luncheons, a lovely dinner(and lovely dinner companions!) and, although not originally planned--a fun time at the hotel bar. Let’s start with the seminars. The first was at 9am, with Donna Rose. What an amazing, and of course, obviously gorgeous, woman!! I thoroughly enjoyed her talk…and, I wish it could have lasted another hour. I did get to introduce myself after her talk. And, that was just my first brush with celebrity that day! The next seminar was with Jessica McKinnon, a voice trainer/educator. This was my first exposure to any type of voice training, and I enjoyed her presentation, so much so, that I signed up for a private voice lesson the next morning, up in her suite. (more on that later) I sat with a new friend, Michelle from Boston, whom I had met the day before…and, btw, I absolutely LOVE you Boston girls! It seems like I met at least 7 or 8 while at SCC—all lovely, all friendly, all fun! (I think Boston just moved into 2nd place on places to move to eventually, hehe.). And, so, after that seminar, I had lunch with Michelle, and also with a few Jersey gals. And, again, I ate little…but that’s ok, I was just SOOO happy, being there at this Conference! After parting with Michelle, and going up to freshen up, I went back down for the Career Fair. It was good, and informative, but not being in a position just yet to change jobs/careers, or move from here, I just mostly talked to a couple of presenters and picked up some literature. After that, I went to the vendor area and browsed. No purchases, just browsing. No cash, no purchases. >pout< I LOVED the jewelry trees one vendor had, they had the body of gorgeously dressed women, with various “branches” to hang necklaces and such, on each side…but, oh well, next time.
My next seminar was with Jennifer Boylan. And, other than just being here, and traveling there and back, and of course, being with my friends, one of THE main things I wanted to do while at SCC was to attend one of Ms. Boylan’s seminars. Just before going in the Maplewood B room, I ran into(not literally, she could hurt me if I did
) Chloe, and she was going to see Jenny (oh yes, I’m on a first-name basis with her ) also! Being that I had wanted to meet Ms. Boylan ever since reading her wonderful book, “She’s Not There”, I just HAD to sit in the front row. For the first hour, she mostly read passages from her new book, “I’m Looking Through You”, of which I haven’t read yet…was planning to before leaving for Atlanta, just ran outta time, yada yada….and, she interspersed that with her infectious humor, actually throughout her session. I enjoyed my time with her even more than I thought I would! And, afterwords, she signed autographs—yes, I brought both books with me! I even asked her a couple of questions, and had my photo taken with her—YAY! 
Wow….I’m now sitting here at home, thinking about being with her…and really, my whole time down there...and, it’s been almost a week now since arriving back home…and, I’m getting tearful thinking about how special a time I had…and, wishing it could have lasted longer. But hey, magic happened, for me, and no doubt for MANY other girls last week, and, at least for me, it was quite an emotional time too.
So, anyway, my next stop was back to the room, since Bridgett, Candice and I had dinner plans that evening. When I arrived in the room, I heard someone in the bathroom, and, I thought it was Bridgett. “No no, uh-uh…”…it was Candice! Getting ready, and since she was staying at another hotel, it just made sense for her to get ready with us. She is SUCH a fun girl! And, I thought I had nice legs—omg, Candice has WAY better…well, she should, she rides her bicycle over 5000 miles a year!
After we were all done making ourselves perfect(I had on a new black dress, the same one I mentioned earlier), and, not knowing exactly where we wanted to go for dinner, we hung around the bar for a bit, and asked around for some good places to dine, and also some cool dance venues, because one thing I did want to do with Candice was dance with her(and Bridgett also of course), since she has a bit of a “reputation”(no, not THAT kind 
) as a great dancer, and I was hoping to discover that. There was a club, “Le Buzz”, that was fairly local, and that catered to TG’s, and supposedly had dancing available, but then we heard that, at least that night, it was just going to be a drag show….so, we ended up not going there, after dinner. Well, as it happened, that club DID have dancing…but, but the time we found that out, it was too late. Oh well, at least we had a nice(and, OMG, at least to me…though the girls took care of me and my share of the bill—Expensive!!) meal together…along with a bit of flirting with the waiters and waitresses. (All innocent here! >wink< ) That dinner though, was part of the true essence of my time at SCC—forging close friendships, and, hopefully, having them last a lifetime. After dinner, it was back to the Ravinia. I found a couple of friends to talk to, and then I kinda lost touch with Bridgett and Candice, and eventually I went back upstairs to rest a bit. But, I didn’t wanna stay up there…I wanted to have some more fun with friends that night, so I went back down to the hotel bar, and, there they were! “There she is!”, said Candice, so I joined them, for what turned out to be the next 3 hours! More good times with them, and with other girls who came by to say “Hi”. I’d like to give a special “Hello” and thank you to two in particular—Danielle and Rebecca. You girls were so much fun! Danielle seemed to be admiring Candice’s legs…no argument there….and, after some coaxing, Candice relented and allowed(yeah, like she wasn’t gently teasing Danielle in the first place, hehe )(well, girl, you were!) Danielle to massage her feet. Yes, in the bar. But, hey, it was like, 2am now…”who cares”, right?? After awhile, I asked(or, maybe Danielle asked me…can’t remember, hehe) Danielle if I could take her place. Now, I didn’t actually plan to massage Candice’s, or anyone’s feet that night…especially in a hotel bar…but hey, it was fun, and Candice certainly seemed to enjoy it. >wink< Soon we were all getting tired…it was now around 3am…and, I was actually the last one out of the bar that night. Yes, me, “Ms. “Temperance”” 
And then, after going up to the room to gather her things, Candice and I had to say are goodbye’s(Bridgett had went back up an hour earlier), since she had to leave in a few hours, as did Bridgett. Obviously, the least favorite part of my time in Atlanta, parting from friends. I have a feeling I’m speaking here for many girls, but the friendships I have, and now, especially with the girls I’ve actually met in person, run VERY very deep, and it truly is a love of one’s sisters….we’re all in this together, and, hopefully, there will come the day when such conferences won’t be necessary…but, I know, that’s a long way off. If the general public could truly see the close bonds we girls(and no doubt, transmen also) have…and, yes, much of it out of necessity…and how we take care of one another…I think they would be very impressed. And, at the same time, our community needs to reach out TO the general populace, and show them, by our words, and our actions, that we truly belong in this world too. Anyway, by this time I was SO happy to be there that I hardly slept….and little did I know that I could have used more rest, after what happened over the next couple of days.
Saturday, October 4
It’s a good thing I didn’t sleep in, because then I would have missed hugging Bridgett and saying goodbye. I can never thank her enough for allowing me to stay with her, without paying my share of the room…my GOODNESS I have wonderful friends!!
After she left, I got cleaned up and went down for some Internet and later, breakfast. By this time, I knew I only had around $50(Several very sweet and generous girls had given me some money while I was there…some, anonymously, and some not(you know who you are! ((HUGS)) )…and, well, I had spent some of that money shopping…hard to resist!...but, as it ended up, I should have saved that money for the trip home.), but I wanted decent breakfast (I think I lost around 5 lbs. during my time in Atlanta), so I went down to the breakfast restaurant(“La Grotta”, I believe) and ordered toast and tea(well, ok, actually hash browns, a bagel and OJ). Not long after I began eating, I looked up and saw Jenny Boylan and some friends walk in. That morning, I wore a pretty pink/tie-dyed style bandana(and a pink(yes, I have lots!)top and capri’s), and as Jenny walked by, she said, “Well hi Kelli(I think she said my name—maybe it’s just wishful recalling 
), what a cute bandana, I like the look!” I smiled the rest of breakfast. 
Just a bit later, I sat with Allyson, a good friend from Yahoo 360, and who, later that day, during the Saturday luncheon, without her knowing ahead of time, would be given recognition for this event being her first time out in public as Allyson. That recognition couldn’t happen to a nicer girl, believe me. So, I finished breakfast, gave Allyson a hug, and headed up to Jessica McKinnon’s suite, for a private voice lesson. Just finishing her lesson was my long time online friend, Keri Renault, who I had met in the lobby the previous day(it was SO nice to finally meet her!), and it was nice to see her again. I really enjoyed that session with Jessica—she recorded my voice, and will be sending that file to me, and I can use that as a template as I continue working on my voice…which she said was pretty good already(Yay!). Thank you, Jessica! And then, I headed up to get packed…since I had to leave that room and stay with Tracy that evening. I somehow crammed everything into my 3 bags…but, I couldn’t find Tracy…her phone would automatically go into voice mail, and I did leave a message, but I never did hear back from her. Later on I found out why, and everything turned out ok, but it was a bit of a frustrating day. So, it was now around noon, and I had to get my stuff out of the room, but without a room yet to keep my bags, I had to leave them downstairs in the storage room. Which, was ok…but later on, I would need to change clothes for the pool party…but, that eventually turned out ok too. (Again, thank goodness for friends!!) The week before I left for Atlanta, I became acquainted online, with Mandi MacDonald, a gal from the Atlanta area. I think she’d left a message on the SCC Lounge Yahoo Group site, and I clicked on her name/profile, and found her story interesting(working for an airline, in the maintenance dept.—while transitioning…so, you can imagine, in such a “macho” type environment….), and sent her an IM, telling her I’m coming to Atlanta for the SCC event, and then she said we should meet up sometime….and, it worked out that we were able to meet for the Saturday SCC luncheon, and I enjoyed my time with her, and her friend Shawna. I also greatly enjoyed both Donna Rose’s and Mara Keisling's speeches….both true heroines of our community
So, now it was time for the pool party! Not being much of a “pool girl”, I was slightly hesitant in going…not to mention not wanting to scare anyone with my blindingly white skin…but, with Chloe giving me some of her old(but still good!) bathing suits(yes, one piece—I’m not THAT daring!), and figuring to see her there, I just “had” to go…but, I needed someplace to change clothes. Thankfully, Tracy’s friend Deja was in the lobby area, and I asked her if I could use her room to change, and being the sweetheart that she is, she said fine, that’s cool. She even let me borrow a lovely wrap of hers. I had a fun time at the party, and re-connected with Michelle, who looked very pretty, as she always did every time I saw her. Chloe didn’t show…well, at least I didn’t see her, but that was ok, she can’t babysit me every moment.
So, now it was around 4pm, and still no sign of Tracy. Deja said I could use her room to get ready for the evening’s festivities…and I thanked her for her offer, but I did want to get into my room(I should have coordinated better with Tracy beforehand). I did get an offer from Debbie Dunkle to use her room to dress…but things got a bit chaotic, what with my cell not always working, and going down to the lobby every once in awhile, hoping to see Tracy around someplace. And, for awhile, I did find another girl who let me keep my bags in her room—Bonnie, from Canada, who also offered to let me stay with her that night, in case Tracy didn’t show up. (Thank you, Bonnie!!) Eventually I did see her in the lobby—she was downtown for much of the day, shopping with a friend…and they had some car trouble, and got caught in traffic…which was all perfectly understandable. So, anyway, now I could get into the room…but now it was around 6pm, so we both had to scramble a bit to get ready in time for the dinner and entertainment. I just HAD to wear my new(thank you again, Bridgett!! ) pink dress! I ended up being a bit late(15 minutes abouts) for the dinner, but hey, that was ok, I didn’t eat much anyway(surprise!). After finishing, I went outside the ballroom and made some phone calls. I called Jeannie…I had forgot to call her yesterday(Friday), and I felt bad about that. She said she was doing fine, and was about ready to eat supper(her church was delivering supper every night while I was away). It was good to hear her voice. I also called a couple of girlfriends, one local to me(she was so surprised to hear from me!) and the other, my best friend Jessica, who would have liked to have been there(she was there in 2006), but with too many complications in her life nowadays, her health being one main reason, she just couldn’t make it…but she was glad I called. And I was glad to call them, and at least give them a bit of a taste of what I was feeling, being there, with some of THE coolest and nicest people I have EVER met in my life. I got a bit emotional sitting there…I didn’t wanna break down, out in the lobby there, but it was hard not to, knowing it was my final night. More and more people were leaving the ballroom by then, and mingling, taking photos, etc. I do hope to receive some photos of me from those sweet girls who took my picture!
Now it was around 9pm, and my feet were starting to bother me again…and, I wanted to change into something different, so I went up to the room and changed(cute black n’ purple top, cute black skirt, cute sho---ok Kelli, calm down). And, once again, to think too. SOOO much had happened to me in the past 4 days!! All good!! It was almost surreal….my whole life, with all the accumulated thoughts, feelings I’d had throughout the years….and, now, I was in this place, this truly magic place called the Southern Comfort Conference…and, I honestly had never felt this comfortable my whole life…trying not to cry while typing this….but yes, it was real, finally real, and, along with my travels as my true self, my time at SCC will never, ever be forgotten. Anyway, after getting done changing(and thinking), I went back downstairs. I noticed Tracy, outside the front doors, so I went out to see what she was up to. She was going to a club someplace…a “straight” club, and then asked if I’d like to go. Sure, why not? Well, after waiting around for about 20 minutes, I went back inside. Maybe it was a slight fear—of being out at a “normal” type establishment…or, maybe I was tired…or maybe it was just all a bit too much…yes, I’d been fine, traveling down, and at the mall, going out to eat, etc…and of course, at the hotel….but, for whatever reason, I backed out from going, and, as it turned out, it was really my only regret my whole time away. Tracy said that they had a great time, and possibly even opened some minds there…let’s hope so! I should have went and been a part of that. Next time, I won’t be so hesitant.
I did go over to the bar, talked to a few girls, but by that time, I was really tired(maybe you should eat more, Kells
), and, feeling kinda down, knowing this would be my last night there…and yes, with my worries back at home always in my mind(I’m sorry, but I just can’t not think about those things….it’s a big part of my life also)…I then went back upstairs, and eventually fell quickly asleep—TOO quickly, because I forgot to wash my makeup off. Oooops! I think Tracy got back around 2am, and she related how fun a time she and her friends had that night. Good for them, I was happy to hear about all of that. And, I really couldn’t complain—it was my fault I didn’t go with them. And besides, I had been having quite possibly the greatest week of my life…especially, obviously, my life as Kelli. So, I slept well that night. 
Sunday, October 5
Awwww…..it’s now Sunday…the last day at SCC.
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My story
Tarra December 22nd, 2008 5:10 pm MSTmy story starts with my very first memory in life... when i was about 5 years old, my family lived on an airforce base (elmendorf, ak). around the time when we were still in the middle of unpacking our stuff, when i was alone in the upstairs bedroom, i got down on my knees looking out the window and pleaded with god to make me a girl. being only 5 years old i believed that if i prayed hard enough that god would change me and one day i would wake up as a girl. i waited for many years for god to respond to grant my wish, keeping my need to change to only myself. eventually, after so many long years, i was hidding my need so well that eventually the feelings i had, felt like they disappeared. so, all through my middle and high school days my need to be female was gone. or so i thought... around the time after high school was over and my high school sweet heart and i was living together, she commented one day, "i love you so much because your not so macho man, its like im in love with a woman in a mans body." of course it was ment as a joke but when she saw i wasnt laughing she asked, "did i say something wrong?" that comment made all those repressed memories come up to the surface. i didnt know what to say... i was speechless and scared. i needed to find a way to push those bad feelings back again. so, believe it or not, i joined the army. i was back to being so busy again that i thought i succeeded in killing those needs until things started to slow down again. this time those repressed feelings came back with a vengence. it was so strong and i felt so hopeless and scared i didnt know what these feelings where or what to do. i was at the end of my rope. thats when my darkest day in my life came... i attempted suicide! i am so glad that i had carring friends living with me. after surviving my darkest day in my life i realised i had to find answers on my own. at this time in my life i was back in my hometown and in anchorage, ak. there is no one there at all that has the expertise to help or give acurate information. so, the internet became my best friend for a couple years. i studied, learned, and discovered what it was i was feeling. by the time i felt like i was done with my 2 year self discovery, i got married. my wife is the most supportive and loving person on this planet. if it wasnt for her i wouldnt be here, as more than likely i would of attempted again. when i was 25 years old, i made the hard desicion to "come out of the closet" with friends and family. all of my friends and my sister are 100% behind me. my mom on the other hand wasnt support at all at first. i love my mom so much and all i wanted was her trust and acceptance. i wanted to be accepted so bad that since i saw my mom wrecked about this news i stopped what i was doing and lived as her son for many years. i love her so much that i allowed myself to be pushed back in the closet by her. what about my dad? well, lets just say that i am so scarred to even tell him because i dont want to be pushed away like my mom did (my mom and dad divorced a couple years ago). all i want is to be accepted for who i am... to have the love and support of my family and to finally get my transition back on track. i moved to clermont, fl about three months ago to be closer to my dad (as my mom is in alaska) and the time has finally come to let my dad in on my life long deepest secret. will he accept me for me? or push me away?[Comment on this post]