URNotAlone

On Attending SCC '07

February 24th, 2008 9:57 pm MST

On Attending SCC ’07 One of my Vanity Club sisters who also attended the Southern Comfort Conference (SCC) (for transgendered women (and Men)) sent me the following note:

"I loved your look, adored your clothes and just thought you were the best dressed woman at the convention. And I make those comments with all sincerity. Amanda worked her wonder, but you brought the mindset...that look. Absolutely wonderful." What she saw was everything I had hoped for. 

I went to SCC '07 not knowing exactly what to expect but knowing that this might be my only opportunity to present Jennifer to my VC sisters and to the world of transgendered women. My expectations for the conference were met times ten. 

I sent the following message to my VC sisters about SCC:

My dear Sisters,

I've just returned from attending SCC '07 my first T girl conference in over 25 years. I wish you could all have been there. It was so special to meet and share a dinner with 25 of our VC sisters most of whom I had never met in person but felt an immediate kinship with. 

For me the conference was inspiring. First, for the many gorgeous T women I saw and met. The hotel was filled with many of the celebrities of our world. One moment I was face to face with Dr. Marci Bowers and was being introduced to her. Dr. Zukowski had a following of beautiful T women whom he had helped with facial feminization surgery. 

Three days in fem was a record for this girl. A record I intend to break. By the final evening my feet were sufficiently swollen from walking in nothing but 4" heels that I could barely get my 4" strappy sandals on my feet. Thanks Amanda for buckling them, I couldn't. The accompanying picture is me in the dress I wore for the final evening's festivities. This was another first, my first time out in a formal gown. Can you tell I loved every moment of it?

Flying home I couldn't hold back the tears thinking about how I had been blessed in so many ways. I encourage all of you to make it to an SCC some day. You too will be blessed. 

As I reflected further on my experience at SCC and the conundrum of being transgendered I wrote the following:

Lynn Conway estimates that transsexuals are roughly 1:1,000 to 
1:2,500 of the population. No wonder the general population has so much trouble understanding us. 

We are not transgendered as a Halloween prank. We are, yes, a spectrum, from men who are satisfied to spend only part of their lives as women to the full blown transsexuals. I highly recommend Lynn's web site "Transsexual Women's Successes" if you're not familiar with it.

Looking across the gender spectrum, probably 99.9% of men are congruent with being men and 99.9% of women are congruent with being women. These men have absolutely no interest in putting on a dress and the women have no interest in being men. Their gender and sex are congruent. 

This is at the heart of the misunderstanding the general public has about transgendered women. They have no comprehension of what it is like to walk in our shoes. (No pun intended.) They can't even imagine it. Many are even revulsed by the idea because it is so foreign to who they are. What woman would want to be a man? What man would want to be a woman? Yet here we are, women on the inside struggling to make the person we see in the mirror congruent with our inner selves. 

Being married and transgendered further complicates the situation. On the one hand our spouses have expectations of us as men and specifically as husbands. On the other hand we are transgendered. Denial, purges, prayer, nothing seems to change who we are inside. 

How can this conundrum make sense to those who are congruent as males or females? Imagine, as a mind game, that a beautiful genetic woman is made to look like a man; short hair cut, no makeup, no jewelry, no earrings, takes testosterone, has no breasts, grows a beard or shaves every day wears male clothes lowers her voice and walks like a soldier. Next, she's told this is who she is for the rest of her life which means, among other things, that all her relationships will change. Other women will look upon her as a man; i.e., one of them, useful but not girl friend material. She will also now have to relate to men as one of them. 

Remember that through all of this, in her mind, she is still a woman. Every time she looks in the mirror, every time she puts on her clothed every time she comes in contact with another person, who she is and who she appears to be are in diametric opposition. This is truly a recipe for disaster. Welcome to being transgendered.

The keynote speaker at the SCC Saturday Luncheon was Jenn Burleton, herself a transexual woman, who works with children in the Portland, OR area whose gender and sex are in conflict. She reports (and I have read elsewhere) that children as early as 3 years old have been known to display gender/sex conflict. Not dealing with this can make them depressed, despondent and even suicidal (don‚t we know). The book, "Mom I want to be a Girl" is a good example of the conundrum faced by transgendered youth. Barbara Walters recently explored the issue of transgendered children in a TV special. Oprah just interviewed a 21 year old T girl who has transitioned. She knew something was wrong at a very early age. On the same program Oprah had a 16 year old T boy who had been depressed over being anatomically a girl. He had mastectomy surgery earlier this year. Both were happy in their new genders. 

Oprah has a follow on program October 12 where we will get to meet husbands and fathers who have become women, and their families. 

Growing up I prayed to God to make me a girl when I woke up. I wore my mom‚s clothes whenever I could and ultimately had my own. It wasn't until my late 30s though that I started seriously experimenting, asking myself the question what 
would I look like as a woman and could I fit into the normal spectrum of women? 

I saw the full spectrum at SCC. For this discussion I will ignore the too numerous guys with pot bellies wearing a wig and a dress. The Vanity Club girls are a good example of men who would be or are women. There were many women at SCC that you could only guess they were transsexual because they were tall and they were there. Many of them were gorgeous women by any standard. Next, there were a few drop dead gorgeous TS women and finally a few beautiful girls whom you would never read as transsexual even attending SCC. These girls probably transitioned early before testosterone ravaged their looks or they have gone through facial feminization surgery. 

I arrived at lunch Friday a bit late and looked around for someone who would be interesting to have lunch with who had an open seat next to her. I found a delightful young woman who recognizes her transsexuality but for family and work reasons has not transitioned. She is on the SCC working committee and gets out only about the 4 times a year when she attends SCC committee meetings and for SCC itself. 

I also met and shook hands with Dr. Marci Bowers, herself a OBGYN who transitioned in her 40's and has taken over where Dr. Biber left off. (She was also on Oprah's recent program.) 

I certainly don't know the answers but this is what's been going through my head since SCC. As I thought about those 3 days as Jennifer on the plane ride home I cried quietly to myself. I don't think the full impact of SCC has hit me even yet. In the last year I started loosing weight, learned makeup skills from a pro, built a new wardrobe and am now considering facial feminization surgery. I have come a long way. The need for congruence as a woman is very strong.