Della Hammond
Journal Entries for Della Hammond
August 2008 update
September 1st, 2008 4:21 pm MDT
Life has been quiet here - for Della at least. Everything else has been hectic and my one recent chance for a makeover was a great relief. Maybe later this month will bring some cheer as well. Each time I have these opportunities I always feel good about myself and life in general. Each time seems a bit more natural. The sense of peace and relaxation washed over me, together with the thought - 'why can't it be like this more often?'. I doubt that it ever will be, so I must enjoy things as they happen.
Out in public!
May 4th, 2007 1:21 am MDT
Well - it really did happen. I had my makeup applied very nicely by Josie, selected a below the knee skinny summer dress, and S arrived in male mode to take me out into the wide world of the streets of London. Well, not many streets, but it was 5pm and there were lots of people about. After a trial walk away from the main road, we strolled back in the warm sunshine to the main road, round the corner and into the coffee bar. Fortunately, the coffee bar is used to visiting trannies, and didn't show any signs of recognition at all.
S ordered coffee and I sat down on some stools in the window, watching the London rush hour build up. It's nice having others do things like fetch coffee for you! We sat there for about 10 minutes, and had to move when 2 young girls wanted to use the computers. So we move to a table opposite 2 other girls, and chatted for another 20 minutes or so. When we got up to leave, I had to remember not to open the door for S. We turned away from the maleover shop, along the main road for a bit and then up a side street. The only time there was any apparent interest from anyone was a car driver that had a good look while S was taking a picture of me posing on a street corner.
We carried on round the block and arrived back at the makeover place, having been out for nearly an hour. I felt very exhilarated, and very pleased and encouraged that it had gone off so well. A giant step for Della....
It went well because I felt good, S was very good in his role as companion, I think I looked appropriately dressed for the weather and situation, and we didn't encounter anything in any way threatening. Most people didn't even seem to notice us.
What will be next?
Femme conflicts
April 3rd, 2007 11:56 am MDT
Since my last entry it's all gone pear shaped (my life, that is, not me). I got to a position of having to go or to remove everything femme from the family home. So it was in to bin bags and the the bin for everything. I've got virtually nothing except my makeup available at home now. I'm not allowed to wear that, and I think my wife is using it for spares. Half my wipes have disappeared this week.
Some of the stuff has made it to storage, but I have not yet been able to work out when I will be reunited with it. Hopefully I can arrange a makeover soon after Easter and get to feel myself again.
I read an article today called 'Why men should fear the menopause'. It basically said that everything has changed. The children have left, the hormones are at very different levels and the need to express independence and not put up with anything from the past becomes significant. So the need to maintain the status quo is no longer there. Maybe a similar thing is happening to me and my inner self is expressing itself. Reconciling that with the views of a wife who no longer feels any need to be co-operative is difficult....
When someone comes knocking!!!
January 22nd, 2007 8:53 am MST
Panic! - There's no other word for it. It all started Thursday evening when there were exceptional winds where I live. There was total chaos on the roads, roof tiles lost, and lots of trees down. Including one falling from common land behind out house into our back garden. Fortunately the only damage was a crushed fence. My wife managed to get home and spot this, and phoned the local council to get it cleared up. Due to the sheer number of trees down we expected nothing to happen for several days, or even weeks. The following morning my wife went off to work, and since I was going into a local office later in the day, I got dressed in proper clothes and makeup. Opportunities recently have been somewhat scarce, so this was a major relief for me. So I went downstairs, sat down at my computer, and was feeling great. Until, under a minute later, the doorbell went. That's when the panic suddenly set in. Although there is patterned glass on my front door, the presence of someone sitting opposite with long hair and a red blouse was certainly visible to anyone that looked. I rushed upstairs, and it was obvious that the tree fellers had arrived. I shouted out of the window that I would be down in a minute, whilst I was frantically removing skirt, top, wig and forms. There then ensued a rapid attempt at removing my makeup, having to resort to large amounts of baby oil on the eyes. I went down in jeans and a baggy sweater still wearing a full set of undergarments. As I opened the door, one stocking fell to my ankles. So, with bleary dark rimmed eyes and strange shape with butt pad and bra underneath, I had to sort out the men with the big axes and chainsaws, who were obviously desperate to use them on something. Apart from having to move my car and then walk back past my neighbours, and get quite a few strange looks from the tree fellas, they went off and very efficiently dissected the tree into logs and wood chippings in under an hour. Meanwhile I cleaned myself up rather better and was ready to go to work by the time they finished. The person who checked the job at the end must have looked a lot different from the one at the beginning!! It did go to prove that as long as there were clothes to change into available, then a quick change back could happen in about 3 minutes, although the quality might leave a lot to be desired. The psychological effects turned out to be rather worse, and I felt disturbed and cheated all day, but, hey, life's a bitch, even if I wasn't.
Th night before Christmas
December 24th, 2006 11:46 am MST
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Della's mouse.
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St Nichola soon would be there.
The trannies were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads.
And Della in her nightie, computer on lap,
Had just settled her brains for a long winter’s nap.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
She sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window she flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.
When, what to her wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
With a lovely young driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.
More rapid than eagles her coursers they came,
And she whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!
"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of Toys, and St Nichola too.
She brought skirts and tops and just to be merry
High heels and Mary-Janes in colours of berry.
And for those that really wanted the best
There were stockings and tights, this winter fest.
New forms for some, and breast growth for others,
And something to play with under the covers.
But Della had now gone into a trance,
And wanted no more than some tolerance.
For to be who we are, and not to surprise,
Or shock those who love us, is the real prize.
But then she heard her exclaim, ‘ere she drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"
Party time?
December 1st, 2006 5:07 am MST
Inprired by some of my friends and the need to sort out my life, I have been finding additional opportunites to dress. Indeed, I am sitting here now in a nice spotty skirt and top looking out on a wet and windy autumn day in England, and listening to RadioIOJazz via the internet. I have work problems currently that are computer technical ones and I will resolve in due course. My personal problem is a bit less tractable - it is to find a way of getting out - to escape wearing a skirt. An attempt last weekend to suggest that I went to the local tranny pub's Christmas party whilst my wife was at her office do resulted in a sub-zero temperature in the house (and bed) for the rest of the weekend. It's gotta get resolved soon or I shall go mad.
My works do last night was at a City of London wine bar and the few ggs in the company made a special effort. It's amazing the improvement that well thought out and applied makeup can make. It certainly made me try harder this morning. Don't know if it made any difference, but no-one else can see me, so I shall believe that it has.
And another opportunity
November 8th, 2006 4:17 pm MST
Life continues here – we went shopping last weekend to a small but very affluent country village with 2 amazing ladies (not girls or womens) clothes shops, staffed by attractive 40 year olds with wonderful figures in black couture dresses and high heels. I didn’t buy anything, but it was a fascinating experience! After a bit of a turn by my wife Sunday morning, things were ok, and I think we are moving towards acceptance but not approval. This will be a slow process as most traumas seem to take a year to get over, and my wife regards my revelations as a major trauma.
Good and bad
October 17th, 2006 6:36 am MDT
The dress wasn't for me - but it was nice to try it on. I even got to wear to wear my new bracelet each evening and a new white fluffy jumper on Saturday evening that we bought on that day's shopping trip. Maybe some progress, I thought, but got the feeling during Saturday evening that my comfort was J's discomfit. It came to a head late that evening and though Sunday morning with the inevitable unpleasant extended 'discussion' about my enhanced gender.
I really don't know where I am now. Things sometimes seem good, other times like they are terminally bad. I can only be patient and hope things will get better. I need to find some way of having another dressing session that will become more of an imperative very soon.
Improvements
October 11th, 2006 12:45 am MDT
After the traumas at the end of last week, things improved when we went shopping to one of the largest malls in the UK on Saturday. I was helped to chose a bracelet to go with my red dress (and I bought one for my wife). I was also given a pink satin nightie - and I have even been allowed to wear the bracelet in the evenings at home and the nightie to bed. I even got a quick dressing session last night, which brightened me up even further. Hopefully (very hopefully) this is the start of acceptance. There was even a dress left out last night - which fitted very well - and I cannot think of any reason why it was left where it was if it was anything other than an invitation to try it on. I dare not ask, just in case, though!
The Devil's Eyes
October 6th, 2006 11:21 pm MDT
We went to see The Devil Wears Prada last night. Not too much of a story, but the clothes were fantastic - not so much of the catwalk, but those worn to the office and parties of the fashion magazine go to show what is possible (with the right figure, an awful lot of money, and a make up artist).
The thing that made it for me was the eyes. I'd love to get detailed instructions of how they achieved the wide variety of fantastic eye make up. I think there was a continuity error in the eye make up as well, when Andy, the main character, is about to go out to a party, when she gets there, and when she is wandering about after the party.
My personal traumas here continue unabated. Sometimes my wife appears to be tolerant, at others it's a marriage destroying disaster. I continue to be patient and hopeful. The film made me feel a lot better after an awful week. My wfe slept through half of it!
The roller coaster
September 22nd, 2006 11:20 pm MDT
I dressed while my wife as out on Thursday evening, and the only comment later was 'when are you going to give this up?'.
Friday was all a mess here. Nearly 2 hours of heavy discussion when I got home about the evils of dressing and people I communicate with on the internet. When my wife suddenly went out for a walk with her friend she did not retun on time, so I ended up setting out n my car to find her, as I wondered if she was coming back at all.
Turned out she and her friend had been talking so much (not bout me) that they had walked their full route not the short one and were 25 mins late going to a movie we had booked. It made us late for the movie, and changed my mood from worry to being quite put out over the situation of being accused of being the cause of every problem in her current life. I don't seem to have an escape clause. Even if I could give up dressing, then I have already been doing it, and would inevitably be thinking about it, so it would still be my fault.
The movie was OK and the evening passed OK while we were out. I felt totally physically and mentally exhausted by the end and fortunately my wife only said that she loved me and wanted me to still be my male self, prior to sleep.
We shall see what this morning and the weekend bringa, but yesterday made me realise that I don't have the capacity to be relentlessly cheerful, positive and paitient indefintely.
Hope the weekend is uneventful - it's better that way.
Faith in human nature
September 20th, 2006 3:32 pm MDT
I went out with friends at lunchtime to a pub in the City. The only person amongst my friends that I have told was there. I was really afraid she might have told someone else - we have all known each other nearly 20 years. Having others knowing would be a drag, but the loss of faith in her ability to keep a secret would have devastated me. I told her on the Monday after I had been to Trans-mission on the Friday, and when my mind was a total mess.Fortunately she hadn't said anything and I don't believe she ever will. I just said I was better, without being specific about why. I feel my faith is restored, and am now sorry I ever even thought fhe would pass on my secret.
Beware of assumptions
September 18th, 2006 3:39 am MDT
Saturday was great. I felt good, even if my make up skills were woefully lacking on what was first attempt to do it myself, and the pictures lacklustre. The day passed peacefully, and getting a present of a scarf from my wife I took to be a good sign.Sunday morning was different. More crying, why are you doing this, relationship will be destabilised and other negative things. I tried to give a lot of reassurances, and eventually we got up, and ended up having a very good day together. I helped with some things relating to the teaching, we bought lots of plants and bulbs for the garden, spent the afternoon putting them in. A nice meal, more teaching assistance and we eventually sat down together for an hour or so before bed. Went to sleep eventually in a state of exhaustion, feeling much better.So, I think we have progressed. Any time we manage to overcome the negative feelings and regain stability probably means that we can do the same in the future if the negative feelings reoccur. Time spent together working on longer term things, such as planting for this winter and next spring, or thinking about holidays, helps to emphasise to normality of the situation. I really am the same person, and we really will continue to (largely) behave as before. Yes, my new feelings are strange and were never predicted, but the changes have improved many of the things that seem to have been wrong for years with our ability to talk to each other and actually listen and appreciate what the other was saying.But on a brighter note, I am looking forward to Thursday when I hope to get a couple of hours to try again to do things better.
The day after..
September 16th, 2006 7:55 am MDT
All is good with the world. Got my makeup, jewellery, skirt, and blouse on. Wife and daughter are out shopping. Billie Holiday is singing 'God Bless The Child' on the stereo. Finished the ironing. Spent 40 mins trying to get my makeup on straight, gave up, and dressed anyway. Took pictures for an hour or so in most of my outfits - there may be a very few good ones as I need to adjust the flash settings and focus. It's the first time I've tried to take myself with the delay timer on the camera. Elected not to put on a long red dress on the basis I probably wouldn't be able to get it off as all the buttons are at the back. It would have been rather embarrassing to have my wife and daughter return with me tangled up in dress and wig, unable to move..After the photo session I decided that the wig and body (v good) were rather warm so I am now dressed for comfort.We went out yesterday evening out with another trannie and her wife to give my wife someone to talk to about this 'thing'. The meeting seemed to go very well. She has been 'suffering' for 15 years, and they have a good relationship with regards to the trannie things. The 2 GGs spent about 2 hours talking separately from us - we were wondering what they were up to. But since they are both teachers, it seems they didn't spend all the time talking about us. They are a lovely couple and we were very grateful for the opportunity to talk.Ah, well, time to do some clearing up - I'll leave the changing back until the very last moment as I feel quite content how I am. Skirts are rather nice to wear, I've decided!
Happiness
September 14th, 2006 12:06 pm MDT
When I was going into the office block yesterday, I was waiting for the lifts and a woman I'd never seen before suddenly said "You're happy!". I replied that just sometimes things go right, and that I was trying to enjoy them while they lasted. I wished her happiness, and she got off at the next floor. I must actually look and behave happy - I don't remember any spontaneous comments like that before. Perhaps I was a miserable so-and-so until I discovered myself. I definitely feel better all round now.
Ongoing progress
September 12th, 2006 5:56 am MDT
Sunday was J's continuing clear-out day. Fortunately she chose to involve me, and to donate a few unwanted items of clothing and make-up to add to my meagre collection. She tried on my prize possession, the red spotted dress, and it will fit her well if she loses another few pounds, so I will have to watch my clothes as well! We even both got to try on some of her old evening dresses, a couple of which fitted me well.
We seem to be at the stage where the dressing at home will at least be tolerated, but there is a fear that going out will result in an escalation of involvement in the TV scene, with long-term dire consequences. I have been doing a lot of reassurance regarding this. I would like to go out very occasionally to TV meetings, but it is not a big deal. This is unlike my inability to put on my own make up which is a big deal.
Overall, it is significant progress, but J is still very upset over the whole thing, and I suspect it will be a while before there is a longer term acceptance of my new feelings.
J is out next Saturday, so I am expecting to have several hours to dress and take lots more pictures - assuming it doesn't take several hours to put my make up on. Look out next week here and on my Flickr site and please tell me what you think. 
Temporary breakthrough??
September 9th, 2006 11:09 pm MDT
An amazing day yesterday. We went out to London, wandered round the City, lunch, riverboat to Canary Wharf. Lovely day. Then, as we were shopping in Canary Wharf, J was allowing me to comment on the clothes, and I got too say which I liked as well as how I saw them on her. It ended up with her helping me buy some make up and a skirt and top. When we got home, we spent until 12:30am sorting J,s wardrobe now she has lost weight (not all over me), while I sat there in my new skirt and top, heels, and earings/necklace given to me by J along with a load of spare make up. A fantastic surreal evening, Some of J's clothes fit me well, including an evening dress and hrer new flufffy collared coat. It was almost perfect, but in the middle of the night I realised she was up, and then she said that she did not want to see me like 'that', but only as my male self. She has accepted that when she goes out I will dress, and that is a major move forward.
Coming out
September 9th, 2006 3:02 am MDT
Lots of things have happened since my last journal. I've now got breast forms, wig, and a really nice dress that fits very well and I'm delighted with. The biggest thing by far, however was my decision to tell my wife, in order to explain why I had seemed 'different' recently. I chose the last day of the holiday, but it didn't go well and the last week seems to have been continuous deep discussions, threats, accusations and all the bad outcomes predicted in My Husband Betty. The only consoling factor is that she is still here and talking. I am trying to open her firmly closed and prejudiced mind to cross-dressing not being the out-and-out unacceptable perversion that she thinks it is. If you send me a private message I might go into more detail, and I will post some more here soon when I get time.
Opportunity
August 22nd, 2006 10:23 pm MDT
Perhaps this is how a lot of are- dressing furtively and hoping no-one comes home too quickly. Hopefully this will be less of an issue when I have to come out. I am getting more and more observations about my increased interest in things feminine, and it seems inevitable that this will lead to a confession soon. I hope so, as being happy and having to hide it is hard.
More progress
August 18th, 2006 6:50 am MDT
I am at a remote office today, and managed to get to Asda in Basildon at lunchtime. After a lot of wandering about trying and succeeding to look lost and confused, I bought a blouse, shortish jeans (shouldn't have got hipsters) and a bra. Since I am at the office alone today I even managed to try them and sat here for a while en femme! Never thought I'd do that at the office! Iwant, I want, I want to go to the Fox!!! (... that's better....)
