URNotAlone

The T-Girl Dilemma

February 4th, 2008 7:55 pm MST

It begins the same way for all of us … something doesn’t feel right about our masculine gender for one reason or another and the second we embrace the feminine side of ourselves, we experience a bona fide electric shock … and everything feels natural.   To some degree, this is where the similarities between all of us begin.  Unfortunately, it’s also where a lot of those commonalities end. What I am referring to is what I call “The T-Girl Dilemma”.  It’s something I’ve thought a lot about – and it’s the subject of what I think is an extremely important blog. I was talking with a group of girls at First Event recently.  We were discussing ourselves, how we looked … and how others looked.  While much of what was said was complimentary, there were some negative comments made about some of the other girls.   It got me thinking.   Why does the t-girl community fight so hard for rights and acceptance … only to turn around and not accept each other on the basis of how we look? That’s the basis of the dilemma … we clearly have some unwritten pecking order based on our appearance.   I’ve seen and heard it be downright mean at times.  It bothers me.  We all begin at or around the same place – getting in touch with our feminine side.  And then some of us search for more than that and we find out we’re not alone (unintentional pun, but a good one nonetheless) and there are others seeking the same thing.  Ultimately, that’s when the competition begins. Who’s hair is better?  Who’s clothes are better?  Who’s boobs are real?  Who’s on hormones?  Who can pass? And the class system begins to rear it’s ugly head.  And when it does, it can leave girls broken. Here’s something I believe in my heart – I have yet to encounter a t-girl who cares about the feminine side of things more than I do.  There isn’t a t-girl out there who cares about portraying (and honoring) the feminine package more than me.   While some readers will understandably disagree, it’s the way I feel inside and you will never convince me otherwise - just as I will never know exactly how you feel.  It’s just the way it is.  But this means everything to me. I put those convictions down on paper to prove a painful point:  A year or so ago, I overheard a “friend” of mine on the phone.  She was talking to my best friend.  The call happened to be on speaker … not for any other reason than my friend was driving and it was safer for her to keep both hands on the wheel.  Out of the blue, my “friend” on the other end of the phone says to her, “you look great … but we need to work on Danielle.” I froze.  It was painful, horrible and terrible.  This was a person I respected.  She’s full-time and fairly pretty and her opinion meant something to me.  And her opinion of me was (evidently) not good. When you care about THIS as much as I do and you hear something like that about yourself … it sucks.  It would have broken a lot of people.  I know this because I’m a pretty strong and confident person and even I had a period where I wondered if I was fooling myself.  I wondered if the pretty girl I saw in the mirror was a figment of my imagination.  Was I a joke?  I love women.  I love them so I much I became one.  So learning I was nothing more than a bad caricature of a woman is the last thing I would ever want to happen. But there it was – the beat down of one t-girl by another … in all it’s brutal glory. I’ve been on the other end, too.  Going out to straight clubs and restaurants can be challenging (so is the mall).  There’s a premium on “passing” or coming damn close.  I’ve been out to straight clubs with other t-girls who may not have fit the feminine ideal quite as well as some others.  Because of this, there was a movement to not have those girls come out the next time we were going to those kinds of places.   It’s pretty lousy, isn’t it?  Not wanting a “friend” to come along because of the way they look?  I didn’t originate those thoughts, but I didn’t do anything to stop them either – and it makes me feel bad when I think about it.   More victims of the tgirl class system, to say the least.  And that sucks. Thing is, I can see both sides.  I was talking with a beautiful t-girl on-line the other day.  I was beginning to formulate this post in my head and I happened to ask her about the t-girl dilemma … and her response summed up the other side of this situation:   “I’ve worked my ass off for 10 years to be what I am today,” she said. “More than anything, I wanted to be a girl.  So I transitioned – hormones, implants, surgeries and in the course of all of that I worked my ass off and went through a lot of BS – telling my family, getting a new job, starting over as a female. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it’s also the most rewarding.  But I’ll be damned if I’m going to be compared to a guy who puts a dress on every couple of months for a kick.  That’s a fetish.  I’m a woman.  Those two things aren’t even in the same ballpark.” Pretty compelling – and understandable. So on and on it goes.  Should it stop?  I don’t know.  I know that we – as a group - work so hard every day as we fight for acceptance in society – and I know it frustrates me that we then turn around and tear each other apart.  We claim solidarity, yet we often practice the opposite.  I believe this is wrong.   I also believe there are distinct differences in what we all want from our t-girl lives.  Therefore, just as it’s wrong to tear each other down, it’s also wrong for those struggling to achieve a truly feminine appearance to expect the same level of acceptance in mainstream society as their more “advanced” sisters.  It would be great if we lived in an all-accepting society, but we don’t - and it’s impractical to demand that acceptance from a stranger.  The world doesn’t work that way. I realize there are far more questions than answers in this post.  I don’t claim to have the answer.  This is simply something that has been on my mind.  I believe it’s worth talking about.  If you feel the same, let me know what you think by leaving a comment or sending me an email.  Thank you very much for reading this. xoxoDanielle