URNotAlone

Nose Dive

November 30th, 2007 9:21 pm MST

No journal entries for a while because I was headed for, um, challenges ...in a handbasket.  Here are a few scraps of journalling I found.  They're representative of what I was up to during this period. 

September, 22, Saturday:  Met Daphne at South Station.  Home with her.  Piddled Sunday and failed to get to Benefit at Machine.  Frustrated with Daphne because she was so late, because then she was afraid to go places in public, because she had no money to spend, because I had to pee.  Home, invited her in while I peed, then kicked her out.  She didn't leave for 20 minutes after I told her to leave.  Went to Charlies for food and drink.  Drank five, I think, then came home and started playing on web cam for some people.  Got out tequila, made margarita, drank two, went in the bathroom and threw up.  Monday, was feeling a little ill.  By Tuesday, was coughing up plum-sized globs of green stuff from my lungs.  Same on Wednesday.  Better Thursday and Friday.

September 28, Friday evening, was sitting at home bored and started playing with makeup.  Al came home about the time I was finished and was acting astonished at the result.  I was pleased, but never believe him.  I knew I'd get more honest reactions from people at the bar.  I'd already decided I was going to Charlie's, just to get out of the house.  I told Al I was going out "to walk in the dark."  He said, "Ok, but you're going to get propositioned!"  I didn't think my makeup was going to get any special attention because I'd done a very soft and natural look, with very little color or drama.  I walked in Charlie's though, and every one of the regulars did double takes and stared.  Wow, I guess I had done something good.  Of course, they were most used to seeing me with no makeup or 60 second makeup, but still, I know they'd all seen me in full makeup before, and I'd never gotten that reaction.  Fascinating.

This weekend:  Friday, October 5, drinking with Jessica.  Saturday, MFA with Deedee, TCNE, home with Daphne.  Monday morning, home on early train with Daphne.  Monday afternoon, nap.  Evening, Diesel with Al and Kwan Chin, movie, work at office.

Ok, actually writing on November 30 here, I'll fill in a few more days.  Thursday, October  11, I went to Gender Crash and posted this to Sisters of Boston:

Hi Lisa :)

I was there last night.  Gender crash happens once a month and I've
been going to most of them.  It is fun, there's lots going on there.
Some of the performances last night were moving, some were hilarious.
All of them were thought provoking.  I saw people I knew, I met new
people, I ate cookies, and best of all, I won free tickets to a show
next week!  Write me if you want to know more. :)

Sonia Kiss,
Socialata mothius

(The nick name was given to me by Rachel, after I called myself a "social moth" once.)  Lisa did encourage me to tell a little more.  Here are exerpts from my next  post:

...  Last night there were three trans girls sitting
together.  One I have met a few times and I know her name, one I
recognized from other events but hadn't learned her name yet, and one
I didn't recognize.  They were all about the same age (at least a
decade younger than me) and sat together.  I assumed they all new each
other and were friends.  At intermission, I had other people I needed
to talk to and didn't find time to do more than smile at them.  On the
subway ride home though, the one of the three that I hadn't recognized
was sitting across from me.  I was sitting next to a chatty gay guy
but after a while I excused myself to go meet this girl.  In talking
to her, I found out that she had just arrived in Boston, didn't know
anyone, didn't know those other girls she sat with, and didn't talk to
them or anyone else.  I was the only person that talked to her, and
here, not until the train ride home!  [...]  I gave her a card with my name, phone number, and email.  I hope I hear from her.

I was excited about those  tickets because they were to a Big Moves show and I just love those girls.  Very sadly, I didn't go to the show.  I had kind of told Daphne about the tickets and I was hoping she would come with me, but I was in this "nose dive" of declining physical and mental health.  I was stressing over an upcoming court date, over not going to see my therapist in a long time, and over avoiding making an appointment with an Ear Nose and Throat specialist.  Dr. Breshel had refered me to this ENT because of breathing problems.  For some reason, I'd been finding excuses to not make this appointment.  A more disabling health problem I'd been having was muscles spasms in my neck and shoulders.  These were getting worse, and as the night came up for the Big Moves show, I didn't feel like doing anything but taking Ibuprophen and wimpering in bed.

About the same time, I also had three nights of telescope time scheduled.  I worked the first night, then writhed in pain on the floor of my office for a few hours before going home.  I made Tim finish the run for me.  So, I'd been missing days of work because of this neck pain, I'd been using the excuse that I was observing for not showing up some of these days.  At the same time my breathing problem was getting worse and worse.  I'd all but lost my voice, and when the muscle spasms were at their worst, I would pant in pain and agrivate the breathing problem to the point where I would start to panic that I couldn't get enough breath.  Nothing I do makes sense, I know.  I'm an idiot.