URNotAlone

Damage Control

December 8th, 2007 1:18 pm MST

Tuesday, November 27.  Stacy fixed me a nice breakfast of cereal.  I took my pile of mail that had arrived at the apartment over the last month to work with me, set it aside while I read emails at a leisurely pace, then went to coffee.  Today at coffee I felt much more comfortable with my appearance, after having had a chance to tweeze the most obvious whiskers from my face, and to dress more completely as Sonia with hip pads, breast forms, and that nice cowl neck sweater from Dina.  After coffee, I started opening envelopes and going through mail, setting aside the most important looking pieces.  One had come from the court with a copy of the sentence and saying that I would be scheduled to appear in court again on the first Tuesday following release.  Now, there was no other mail with the specific date and time I was to appear, but I had just been released yesterday.  I was guessing that it would be mailed out today, and that I would get something by the end of the week telling me the specific date and time.  I had heard people say that it was typically the week following release.  Still.....the only piece of paper I had in my hand actually said "the Tuesday following release" which strictly speaking was, today.  Crap.  I guess I should make sure.

 

It was lunch time so I decided to just run over to the courthouse and ask in person.  It was finally time to buy a 7 day T pass to get me over there in a hurry.  At the courthouse, I showed my paper, and explained that I just wanted to make sure I wasn't supposed to appear today.  "Let me check" the court worker said, and disappeared.  Back in a minute, he handed me a stack of forms.  "Fill these out."  Oh shit.  I knew what that meant.  I was supposed to be there that day, and, the usual time to appear is 8:30 in the morning.

 

Well, it wasn't exactly planned this way, but Sonia was finally going to appear before the judge.  The court's attorney stifled a giggle as we approached the bench, but that was the only reaction I got from anyone.  So there, now that I've appeared before the judge as Sonia, I'm done!--I have absolutely no occasions left where I would ever want to dress as a male.  It's a milestone.  It feels really good.

 

Results of court were unpleasant.  They are going to make me wear an electronic tracking anklet for four months.  Unfortunately for them, they need me to have a home address where the anklet can ensure that I stay.  The problem of course being that after a month in jail, I'm homeless.  They told me I had two weeks to find an apartment and they turned me out on the street again.  What insanity.  On the train, back to my office, checked emails again, returned a message to Wendy.  She wanted to pick me up in an hour to go out for dinner.  "You're buying?"  I asked immediately.  "Ah, I guess so!"  A few minutes later she was calling back again.  "Dinner is off.  7:30?"  Rats.  A real dinner sure would have been nice.  I settled for a Dunkin bagel from the Alewife station while I waited for Wendy to pick me up.

 

Natick.  Wow, how long had it been?  It was really nice to be back.  That place is cool, so relaxed.  I was happy with myself that I remembered most everyone's name.  And of course everyone remembers me (and actually seems to like me!)  I had a few offers to buy me a drink but I declined them all.  Inside I was really driven by humbleness, but the explanation that came out of my mouth was that I was staying away from alcohol.  Sheesh.  That's something you can't go back on.  I was stuck staying dry for the night anyway.  Wendy, understanding that I had no money, did later offer to buy me a bowl of chowder when she was having some herself.  She's really a nice person.  Thoughtful and considerate.  At the end of the night she insisted on giving me $30 cash.  I had her drop me back at Alewife, took the train back to Harvard, crashed again at Stacy's.

Wednesday, November 28.  As I hurried off to work in the morning, Stacy offered me a few orange sections and sent along with me a breakfast bar and big salad that she had made for me the night before.  I was hurrying because this was technically my first day back at work.  First day on the clock, that is.  A grueling day it was too.  I straightened desk.  I'm not sure I did much else work related.

Non-work related, I caught up on a lot of Sonia Kiss stuff, sending "here I am" emails to a number of friends, and checking messages and stuff on various social networking services.  For the evening, I knew Stacy was going to a dance, and Jessica had talked about Meredith coming down and wanting to see me.  Around 5pm I emailed Jessica and also left a message on her answering machine saying "hey, let me know if I can come over."  A little after 7, I think, the phone rang.  It wasn't Jessica, but Kuan-Chung!  He asked if I had had dinner and if I wanted to go to Chinatown with him.  Frustrated with Jessica, I agreed immediately.

 

We ended up going to a Vietnamese place and having a nice time.  He bought me dinner, had me take the doggy bag, and gave me some left over apple pie when we got back to his place.  I had wanted to go back there to get another bag of clothes.  I filled my tote bag with some warm and long sleeve tops, a few other little things, and left for my temporary home, Stacy and Jessica's place.  (Oh, one thing I grabbed was a suit jacket I had been holding onto since early spring.  This belonged to Tina, who lost track of it one night with Sisters when her drinking was out of control.  I took it home with me that night, and emailed her a couple of times telling her that I had it, but apparently it wasn't important enough to her to make plans to get it back.  I'd kept it in my closet until now, but...I currently don't even have a closet.  I thought it might fit Lisa, and that she would give it a new home.)

 

I got there a little before 11pm, I think, and was glad to see all of the lights on.  I did kind of expect Stacy at least to be there.  I was glad to see that Kate was still up so I wouldn't have to worry about waking her.  I tried the back door in case someone had left it open for me but it was locked.  I rang the doorbell in front, got buzzed in, walked up to the apartment door, tapped on it quietly and waited.  And waited.  No one ever came.  What could it mean?  Somebody was home and buzzed me in.  If it were Jessica or Stacy, shouldn't they let me in?  If it were Kate, she might wait and let Jessica or Stacy come.  Problem is, Jessica wages war against Kate and so the two of them avoid communicating with the enemy at all costs.  So it's possible that Jessica, avoiding contact with Kate, just assumed that Kate would let me in, but that Kate, knowing it was not her guest at the door, felt it was not her job to open it.  It's also possible that Kate just assumed that Jessica or Stacy heard the door when in fact they didn't and while she buzzed me in the outer door, she didn't feel it was her job to take any further action.  What bullshit.  At any rate, I was a victim of Jessica's senseless war against Kate.  I was pissed.  I left and headed back to my office to sleep on the floor.

 

On the bench outside Darwin's was an opened but mostly full bag of cashews.  Here's what I've come to.  I picked them up.  The bag looked clean, perhaps just forgotten.  Perhaps someone reconsidered and decided to stick to their diet after all.  I slipped the bag in my purse and walked on.  In my office, the cashews were a welcome midnight snack.  My phone did ring about midnight, but I was still pissed and wasn't about to answer it.  Sat in front of the computer in a sour mood doing nothing until late.  Finally lied down on the floor, rested my head on my tote bag, draped my coat over me for a blanket, and closed my eyes for a few hours.

Thursday, November 29.  Grumpy in the morning and feeling ugly, I stayed in my office with the door closed all morning, only poking my head out once to retrieve last night's doggy bag from the hall fridge.  Some time after noon, I walked back to Stacy's and buzzed again.  She greeted me at the door with a smile and handed me a key.  I was instantly in a better mood, and we talked and had nice conversation while I tweezed more hairs from my face.  I was really being away from work for too long but it was so nice to talk.  She gave me a tub of yogurt to take with me for an afternoon snack.  Wanting a few more calories and a little more pleasure, I bought a cherry Coke at Darwins, went and filled my Prozac prescription, and returned to work.

 

In a happier mood, I wasn't feeling so ugly any more but it was true that Sunday evening was actually my last shower.  See, Stacy and Jessica's place is pretty dilapidated, and without going into detail about their shower, let me just say that I wanted another option.  I called Lisa.  "Where exactly is the shower you were saying is somewhere in the building?"  "Meet me.  I'll show you."  Fascinating, it was.  After the tour of a couple of little known corners of the building, we swung by my office and I gave her that suit jacket that used to be Tina's.  Daphne called around the end of the day to remind me about a presentation on HIV research at the Boston Living Center.  She thought of me when she saw that it was free and that they were serving food.  Hey, I'm not below that.  I went.

At the BLC there were indeed nice hors d'oeuvres and soft drinks, but I ended up not eating so much because the presentation and the conversation among the attendees was just fascinating.  The presentation was about the recent vaccine trial that was halted in failure and how to understand the reports of this that were appearing in the media.  Audience looked to be mostly gay men.  I didn't notice any other obviously trans women there.  I did see Alex...I feel so bad that I never sent him my comments on the supper club.  Maybe he'll forgive me if I tell him I was in jail?

 

On the way home, who did I run into at random, but Kuan-Chung!  We started talking and wanted to talk longer than just the train ride back, so he got off with me at Harvard to tag along for a bit.  I knew I would need more food that I ate at the BLC so my first stop was the 7-11 where I got a sandwich and lemonade.  The two of us walked back to my office.  "Oh, it looks just like where I work!" he exclaimed as we wound our way through the hallways.  "Just the posters are different."  That is, it's a pretty generic science lab.  He works in bioscience, I work in astronomy--only the posters are different.  He shared a cookie with me before I walked him down the stairs to the bus stop to send him home.  He's so pleasant, so nice, he must have been so bored to want to hang out with me!  I checked a few things on the computer, before returning to Stacy's.  Thursday happens to be one of her nights off.  She was home and happy to see me--in bed.

Friday, November 30.  After a couple hours of sleep, I was up for work and Stacy gave me a salad for lunch again.  It was nice to have that salad ready for lunch time, but I needed breakfast.  Four ginger snaps and coffee would have to do.  The salad was good, but I wanted just a few more calories.  Gareth had mentioned earlier that Jimmy, the guy that drives the lunch truck, had been asking about me.  How sweet.  How could I not go buy something from him.  I got a coffee milk and dropped it in my purse on the way down to the bus stop to run a mid-day errand.  I had visited the community boating web site and seen that this was the last day to claim locker contents before it was all given to charity.  I was very happy to find all of my stuff there in the lost and found bin.  I also couldn't resist taking a couple of items that weren't mine:  An unopened can of soda, and a women's winter scarf.  I needed a scarf after leaving my nice one on a commuter rail last year.  All I had now were boy scarves, and I wanted a girl scarf.  With my stuff in a plastic bag, I made a quick trip upstairs to tell the director that I had happily found my stuff and that I was leaving now.  I couldn't resist asking him though...  "If you have a moment, I have kind of a strange question" I began.  I know, I've regretted asking this question every time I've asked it, and I've sworn off ever asking it again, but this was a special opportunity.  I was alone with the director of the whole organization, at the end of the whole season.  It seemed ok to ask his perspective from this point.  "Was I, ok this year?  I mean, you know, I sailed here for a few years, then skipped a year, then came back, as a woman..."  He was nodding, understanding. and waiting for me to finish.  "...and I wondered if you had heard anything...negative."  He was still nodding.  "No, he said.  No one has said a thing."  I was smiling tentatively now.  "Oh good.  I guess, no reaction from people is the best possible reaction."  Wanting to just express some general appreciation for his organization, I elaborated.  "Always before, the most rewarding thing for me was to take new people out for instruction and teach them sailing.  I, didn't know how that would go this year, but I tried it and it turned out to be every bit as successful and rewarding.  I really enjoyed this year."  "That's great" he said smiling and nodding.  "Hey, you know, over this winter, we have a few dates for work parties.  I could get you those dates..."  "Oh, they're on the web site" I acknowledged.  I'll watch for them there..."  I thanked him again and left, for once actually glad I had asked this  question of, "am I allowed to exist?"  I was happy enough I couldn't resist buying a Dunkin muffin on the way back to work.  The muffin held me until dinner time, when Stacy fed me chili on rice.  Jessica happened to be out so I used the opportunity to on her computer to update my journal here.  Omg, it had been so long.  Jessica came home before too long though, and for some reason had money burning a hole in her pocket.  She wanted to take me to Charlie's.  How could I refuse?!  Two beers, hello's to all the regulars there, home to sleep with Jessica.

Saturday, December 1.  I had agreed to meet Daphne and spend some time with her over the weekend.  She had left a phone message on Stacy's machine that she was working Saturday and should be free shortly after 2pm.  I woke at 9am, again at 10:30, and was up at 11:00.  Stacy fed me a pear and cooked rice cereal with banana.  Dressed and went into the office, which is complimenting Stacy's place nicely as part of my temporary home.  I checked emails and stuff, then showered and put on clean clothes, and packed the last several days worth of dirty clothes to take to Daphne's.  I had some time for people watching while I waited for Daphne to get off work.  South Station was crazy with special holiday attractions so it was entertaining.  Daphne finally appeared.  Home in Attleboro, she fixed a wonderful dinner of stir fry chicken and vegetables on rice, and cranberry sauce left over from Thanksgiving.  Coffee, computer, TV, bed.  Nice to get away.  Nice to see Daphne after so long.

Sunday, December 2.  I couldn't stay in bed in the morning.  I was up starting laundry, washing my wig, playing on the computer more.  Daphne fixed us a nice breakfast of eggs, bacon, and hash browns.  I did a bunch more cleaning during the day.  Toward evening, I fixed myself a little snack of salad and bread, not wanting to go too long between lunch and dinner.  Daphne was hungry before long herself, and whipped up another great meal:  steak, potatoes, onion soup, salad, and cranberries on ice cream.  We watched more TV and then I used the tub for a long and luxurious bubble bath.

 

Monday December 3.  Coming into the city with Daphne means I'm at work early.  I should really do this more often.  No plans for lunch, so I went to Stacy's to forage.  I decided to make pea soup.  It turned out really good but took way too long to prepare.  No worries.  I didn't have anything pressing at work, so I stayed at my desk late into the evening.  At one point I got an email from Rachel inviting me to Natick tomorrow, as she was going to be there with Lucy.  In a flurry of emails we planned the transportation and dressing issues for the three of us.  Home to Jessica's late at night, I stayed up even later to paint my nails for the first time in six weeks.  I don't know why it struck me so, but I really got a kick out of doing the whole girl thing.  Jessica and her computer were sprawled over half of her bed, I lied on my tummy on the other side and painted my nails.  Jessica said "I could never lie like that" meaning, I presume, that her back wouldn't arch like mine.  I took it as a challenge.  On my tummy, up on two elbows, back arched, base coat, two coats of color, top coat, one hour of drying time while I read one of her forced feminization pulps.  Hmph.  I did it.  Um...is that ok? ...that I would take a casual comment like that as a challenge?  Is it a guy thing?  I hope not.  I loved so much the moment of us just being two girls, lounging around in a girls room, doing girl things.  Hm, ok, maybe my thinking was a bit off.  I guess "girl" isn't very accurate.  I guess it's "tranny."  Whatever, I loved the feeling.