URNotAlone

Last Dance

December 11th, 2007 7:40 pm MST

Tuesday, December 4.  Lisa bought me lunch today but was horrified when I told her that I had been recording all of these little gifts that people had been giving me.  Hmm.  I shouldn't confess such things.  I should just do them and have people think that I am amazingly thoughtful and gracious of gifts.  Dinner tonight came from a reception here at work.  I had ignored the invitation but then Muazzez came by as she was leaving for the day and said I should go downstairs because the food was really good.  It was.  Hors d'oeuvres, little plates, filled up three times, a glass of Merlot.  My tummy is happy.

(Writing a week later, December 11, I'm grumpy.  I'll get around to explaining.  First, I'll write up some stuff from the last week.

Last Tuesday, there was no time to rest after the nice dinner--Rachel was coming over, as planned, and we were going to Natick.  Part of the plan was that she needed a place to dress.  I had her come to my office and we got ready together in the nice bathroom here where I've been showering.  It was really fun getting ready with her, because we worked side by side, putting our faces on, and just talking the whole time.  Then, here I was for the second week in a row at Natick!  I'm sure everyone was relieved to see me in makeup once again.  Deedee showed up and was happy to see me after so long.  Lucy, my ride home,  was there.  Michelle was there!  I like her, and I hadn't seen her in ages.  The five of us ended up taking some pictures, which was nice since Natick pictures are rare, and especially nice because Sonia pictures have gotten rare lately.

Wednesday, December 5.  I was searching Craigs List for last ditch possibilities for a new place to live, when I ran across an ad that stood out.  Rather than just advertising a room in an apartment, this was room in a housing co-op.  I don't know anything about co-ops, but the ad made it clear that this was a more  interactive social environment than the average shared apartment.  I answered, and got a most interesting response.  Describing to friends later, I called it an essay test.  Here is the "test", with my answers:

> Describe your commitment to Social Justice. Please
> tell us about justice work you have done: your PAST
> experiences, your PRESENT work, and your FUTURE plans…

I'm afraid much of my past experience with Social Justice is weak.
Only recently have I started to pay attention to issues like this.
(It shows maybe that I'm growing and learning?)  Early last year, I
discovered the Brights and registered as a Bright myself.  We Brights
adhere to a "naturalistic worldview," that is, as opposed to any
*super*naturalistic worldview such as is essential to most religions
and beliefs in gods or other supernatural agents.  This is a Social
Justice stand because we believe that Social Justice is meaningful and
can be discussed rationally without resort to direction from God.  I
know of organized Brights initiatives to promote these ideas and think
they are exciting, although I am not actively working with them.  I
guess my commitment, as you asked, has been just to register with the
Brights as a Bright myself, and explain my beliefs to people when
subjects like this come up in conversation.

More tangible Social Justice work has been my efforts to promote
rights of transgendered people.  Again, this has been just over the
last year, but I have accomplished a number things I am proud of.  In
one case, following a discrimination incident, I explored various
avenues of recourse until I discovered a group exists that provides
training to all people involved in this type work across the city of
Cambridge.  When I pointed out to them the part of their training that
was discriminatory, the response was, "Oh, you're right!  We'll change
the training."  I have also become an active member of the
Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition, participating in
various activities to lobby for and promote our current project, the
bill HR 1722 which will provide state-wide protections for
transgendered people.

My specific future plans include testifying in support of this bill
before the Judiciary Committee when the bill comes before them.  (We
had hoped this would be this year, but the end of the year is
approaching...)  My general plans include continuing to work with the
MTPC, and just, as I said, growing and learning as a person.

> How do you find Joy? (Some examples from house
> members: their social justice work, soccer, church
> involvement, kung-fu b movie making, bread baking,
> quilting, etc.)

I find joy in group social activities with friends.  Whether we go out
somewhere and have crazy fun dancing, meet new people and bring them
into our social circles, or just consume a whole evening sharing
stories, I so often come home feeling the thrill of joy.

I find joy in a bonding event with a friend.  We do something
together, discover our commonalities, or perhaps our differences, and
we are then closer.  That feels good.

I find joy in sailing.  Sometimes that means treating a friend to a
fun afternoon in the sun, once in a while it means winning a race, but
my favorite activity at Community Boating is teaching people how to
sail.  I take people out in a boat, magic happens, and when we return
to the dock, they almost always have the wide eyes of someone who has
learned.  They almost always thank me. Usually I feel their thanks are
genuine.  Wow, that makes my day.  Sometimes I get to see them later
in the day all victorious after passing their sailing test.  A few
times I've had apparent strangers call out to me some random place
around town, "Sonia?  Hey, hi!  Remember me?  You taught me how to
sail...."

I find joy in creating things.  Whether it's a cake or a fortran
program; to have a concept, work on it, bring the concept--my
concept--into existence, and see that some new and good thing exists
in the world; that makes me happy.

I find joy in learning--almost anything.

> Why are you interested in living in community?

Because I've seen the alternative and it's tragic.  A person who
isolates themselves (like a recent roommate of mine) not only makes no
contribution, they get no benefits.  They actually deprive themselves
of a significant part of their life.  A community is a living thing
itself.  It consists not just of physical things like homo sapiens,
but more importantly of the complex rules and relationships of
society.  These non-physical things are continuously growing and
evolving.  I am interested in living as a primate, I am interested in
living as an individual with a conscious mind, but I also recognize
that I am a live part of greater living entities, like communities.

> What do you want to get out of your co-op experience?

I will certainly learn from everyone around me.  We'll learn from each
other and be part of a living social unit and all, and certainly some
aspects of this will be new to me and I will integrate all of this.
This coop experience really has my interest now because it sounds so
much more stimulating and rewarding than the more common roommate
situation.  It shows just through your questions in this email.  What
else?...  I am looking forward to learning new cooking skills.  Oh,
and then there's the roof over my head thing.

> What can you bring to a community?

Forty six years of experience on the planet, an active mind and
relatively healthy body.  Probably a number of odd little skills,
like, I'm pretty good at tying knots, and, in a pinch, I could
probably get a nuclear power plant up and running.

> In your experience, what is conflict and why does
> conflict happen? When conflict has happened in your
> experience, what has been your role in it? Have you
> played several roles in conflicts before?  Please be
> specific and tell us about your experiences with
> conflict.

I assume we're talking about personal conflicts?  Conflict is when one
person disagrees with another and feels compelled to act on it.  The
action can be verbal, physical, or some change of behavior or refusal
to change behavior to protect their own interest (passive aggression.)
 I'm generally passive, and have often been passive to a fault,
avoiding conflicts that really need to be resolved.  My roommate that
I mentioned before would disapprove of something I was doing or not
doing--say, using a fabric softener that he found intolerably
aromatic--and try this passive aggressive thing on me.  I would ignore
him, telling myself, "hey, if he has a problem, he can tell me about
it in words instead storming around in a bad mood without telling me
why" and go on using the fabric softener when of course I knew exactly
what the problem was.  There's conflict being handled badly by both
parties.

I don't know, I think I'm pretty easy to live with.

> Do you have and concerns or questions about living at
> Cambridge Coop?

I'm guessing that most people attracted to living in a coop are pretty
easy to live with and I'm not worried about that.  I promise to not to
use Gain fabric softener.  I have a little question about the phone.
I use my cell phone for almost everything, but I do have one need for
a conventional land line.

> Please give a personal reference:

Name _______ Lynn ...
Relationship __ Former roommate (NOT the fabric softener intolerant one)
Contact info __ email:  ...

> Please feel free to bring us any additional info about
> you if you want—your poetry? A news clipping? Resume?

Oh no, I'm way too modest.

I've enjoyed this application, though.  And spent way too much time on
it (...but it's interesting enough that it's definitely getting posted
to my blog.  There, that gets more value out of the time.)

Still excited about this opportunity, and hoping I pass round two and
hear from you soon,

Sonia Keys

Not the average apartment rental questions, hm?  Having just submitted Lynn as a reference, I turned right around and emailed her so she would know it was coming.  We hadn't talked in ages and and so were suddenly making plans to meet the next day after work just to catch up on things.  Cool!  But then the next day I get email back from the co-op.  My contact there asked if we could talk on the phone the next day at 6:30.  Excellent!  ...Except I was meeting Lynn.  I thought surely we could just do it a little later and I emailed back asking if 8:00 would be ok.  I hadn't heard back from the co-op contact but I met Lynn anyway at Macy's Downtown Crossing at 5:15.  She was there with Rhonda!  Our mission was supposedly purse shopping but we were all so busy talking that we only half paid attention to the purses.  The adolescent t-girl in me was drawn to the glittery designs of Kathy Van Zeeland.  The girly girl in me loved the designs from Coach decorated with matching side bows.  Maybe the bows were a seasonal accent?  I don't see them on the website now!  They were so cute.  Lynn seemed to be looking for something with classic lines in a smooth red leather.  Nothing there, nothing affordable, anyway.  Rhonda left for home then.  Lynn and I had pizza and diet coke in the food court while we talked some more.  She told me about wedding plans, I told her about jail.  Back at work around 7:30 and hoping for a phone call about this housing co-op, I found an email saying she was busy herself and suggesting rescheduling on Sunday.  Ugh, two days lost.

For the rest of the evening, I decided to spend some precious dollars going to Jacque's.  Jessica had said she would be there with Debra, and I rationalized it further telling myself I might involve some people in conversation about my ideas for a new social group.  Jessica was there already when I arrived.  She introduced me to Debra.  Both Debra and I thought each other looked familiar but otherwise didn't remember meeting before.  I spotted Deanna and waved hello to her.  A number of other people there are familiar faces, but sadly, I haven't been social enough to get to know them.  (Hm, some chance I have of engaging anyone in conversation.)  Debra and I were reading a posted flier about next week's bands downstairs.  I said I had never gone downstairs to listen to the bands.  She said "don't.  the music is awful."  Well I can't pass up a challenge like that!  I went right down to find out for myself.  It was a cool punk band making an incredible amount of noise.  Drums, guitar, guitar, bass, vocals.  The vocalist wore her Manic Panic hair up in tight little pig tails, was young, cute, fat, dressed in black PVC, and was just shredding her throat into the mic.  I liked watching the bass player.  The band had a good fan club there to support them.  I'm not sure, of course, but I may have been the only trans person there.  No one else was very obviously trans anyway.  Back upstairs after that band's set, I chatted and mingled a little bit more.  One guy interested in talking to me was rather younger than most of the other guys, and very good looking.  He was interested enough to buy me a drink.  He was interested enough to invite me to go to another club for dancing!  I was defenseless at this point.  I told him I knew where we could go, said goodbye to Jessica, and we were out the door.

I led us one block over to Rumor where, at midnight now, the line was wrapped around the block.  My date took one look at the line and asked where else we could go, but of course I thought there might still be a chance.  I walked right up to the ropes at the door and sure enough, there was Maria.  "Sonia!!!!" she shouted, stretching out her arms to me.  "Long time, no see, blah, blah, blah...can you get me in?" I pleaded.  With one motion she unhooked the red velvet rope and waved us in.  Inside, I got the same reception from Mandy when she saw me.  It was so cool to be known.  The place was the same, the music was good.  I loved being back at that place.  I loved being there with this lovely little snack cake of a man.  House music obviously wasn't his thing, but he didn't care.  He was just there entertaining me for a bit.  I had to explain Rise to him a few times before it finally sank in that at 1:30 then, there were five more hours of dancing left.  Ha.  He, of course, wasn't up for it.  That's ok.  He bought me drink a Jacque's, paid our admission to Rumor, paid for the coat check, paid for another drink inside, paid for a cab to his place in Cambridge.  Omg, and he was so cute.  He was very shy about admitting it, but he was a doctorate student at MIT.  At his place, we used each other well and then I took a cab home.  Omg, did I really just do that?  Omg, how awful am I?  Omg, and how delicious was that?

Actually, before "home"--Stacy's place--I went to my office to shower.  Crawled in bed with Jessica *very* late, slept, and it was time to start getting ready to go to Randolph Country Club.  Incorrigible, aren't I?  A message on the answering machine from Daphne asked me to call.  I know she had hoped to take me home with her after she got off work Saturday.  I had promised to call and let her know and I hadn't called.  It was about 6pm when I called her back.  I was done and ready to walk out the door.  She was explaining that she had to fix some dinner, then get ready.  Her second preference was that I ride with Stephanie, so I promised to call Stephanie.  I got her on the phone grocery shopping, saying that she would be home in half an hour to fix dinner and get ready to go out.  I thanked her, but made it clear that I was headed straight to the club on my own.

Getting there was relatively uneventful, but I did get some negative attention on the train ride toward Ashmont.  A group of teenagers was delirious with laughter.  I got the idea that they generally found something funny to laugh about on their way home, and today it was simply my presence that was providing a good part of their amusement.  A couple of guys felt the need to look tough in the face of this outing of a tranny and one of them threw a punch in the air as walked by me to get off of the train, saying "fucking dude!"  That was the end of that, but it left me thinking of the nonsense in his exclamation.  I imagined a little scene where he said that without running away and I came back with "dude?  are you fucking blind?"  "You see this guy here?" as I gesture to the tough looking guy next to me, "This is a dude.  Now, you see the difference?"  "Dude," pointing to him.  "Tranny," gesturing to myself.  Now you wanna tell this guy to his face that you think he's the same as me?  Let me step aside first."  *sigh*  Imagination is fun.  With the cowardly hater off the train, attention turned to a guy rapping at the far end of the car.  He was up for a battle but with no one on the train stepping up to contest him, he was just targeting riders at random.  I was watching him of course.  He hadn't seen me.  The big guy next to me offered me reassurance, "He's harmless, he's just an artist."  "Yeah, and he's got no competition here" I added, paying respect to the rapper.

Around 8:30, I was, in fact, the first t-girl to arrive at RCC.  Yeah, for once I was there early and would have lots of time to visit.  I sat at the bar with the crowd of regulars for not long at all before the first girls showed up, the "New York" girls, (although they're not all from New York) Paige, Katie, Katie, and Brit.  After wandering around a bit, we settled at table.  I had forgotten Brit, but she remembered me.  Paige had forgotten me, but I remembered her.  That kind of thing is all fine and understandable when you just meet briefly at these things.  These four are young and pretty and have dazzling wit.  I, *sigh*, don't quite fit in with them, but they were happy to adopt me for a bit.  And a bit is all it was before girls I knew better started streaming in the door.  One surprise was Terri.  I thought she was in Florida.  Another very nice surprise was Jean.  I kept up then, for most of the night, noticing each girl that came in and making some time to talk with her.  One, Gina, turned out to be at RCC for the first time.  I called Vonnie over to meet her and the two of them had a nice long conversation.  Vonnie also told me all about the RCC Halloween party and I confessed to her where I was over Halloween.  I think Stephanie got there 10ish, and Daphne 11ish.  One girl I was very glad to meet and talk to for a bit was Lace.  I explained to her amusement my theory of how she was my great aunt because she had been dressing and coming to parties like this so much longer than me.  I also found her later on the dance floor by herself and I dance for a few minutes with her.  Mm, experience shows.  Her movement is beautifully fluid.  I so wish I could do that.  The night before at Rumor, one of the girls was even trying to coach me at one point, modeling movements and grabbing my hips to show me how I should be moving.  *sigh*  Now see?  That's the way to learn.  No inhibition, just practice, practice, practice.  I bought one drink for myself.  Jean bought me one, and, was that all?  Someone else might have bought me one but I can't remember.  I think Wendy offered but then didn't.  I did ask Wendy for a ride home though, and she obliged.  My head was clear enough that I was remembering that I needed to be back at my office by noon in case the girl from the co-op was going to call me back.  We kind of took the long way back before dropping me off at Alewife.  At Wendy's place, she offered...Champagne!  She popped the cork, we drank and talked and finished the bottle and slept very well.  At the train station finally, she pushed some money into my hand.  I sincerely tried to decline, but she insisted.  I love my friends.  They're keeping me alive right now.

At my office around 11:30, there was no word about a phone call.  I waited.  I sat around all afternoon and went home in the evening all sad and depressed.

Monday morning, I got around to cleaning up after myself a bit by bundling up some laundry and dropping it off on my way to work.  Stacy and Jessica had both told me stories about how hostile the laundry employees were toward transgenders.  I walked in without expectations.  "Good morning, I'd like to drop this off?"  I asked with a cheerful smile, placing my bundle on the counter.  "Wash, dry, fold?  Of course!"  She smiled back, setting the bundle on the scale.  "Oh, we have a minimum charge for under ten pounds," she couched.  The scale showed a little under ten pounds.  "That's fine.  Next time I'll know to bring more!"  I laughed.  "Can I pay now?"  "Sure...you can pick it up after 5:00 today."  "After 5.  Ok, thank you.  Goodbye!"  "Have a nice day!"  Hmph, yeah, evil transgender haters.

I piddled at the end of the day until I had to dash home from work to the the laundry before it closed.  They had locked the door already, but as I approached I saw the woman inside say something to the man and he went right to the door and let me in.  "Sonia?" she confirmed with a smile.  "Yes!" I said with great relief.  "Thank you!"  I popped inside the house, dropped off the laundry, then ran right back out to get to the MTPC meeting.  Got there at 6:50, exactly when the room was supposed to be available to us.  MTPC is starting to feel more comfortable to me.  At first I was really lost.  Now most of what they are doing is starting to make sense.  I got assigned a couple of tasks and was happy with that.  After MTPC I was back at the house just long enough to visit with Stacy for a bit, eat a salad, and visit with Jessica for a bit, before going back to the office yet again.  I wanted to check for word about the co-op, shower, and get ready to go back to court the next day.  Really I was in no mood to sleep.  I stayed up very late, staring at the computer screen, tweezing my face, and just wasting time.  Finally curled up on the floor for a few hours of sleep before morning.

Tuesday, today, is a bad day.  I don't even want to talk about it.  The deal is that two weeks ago the court's attorney cited a bunch of speculation they held about me that I was not being honest with them, told they judge they thought I was a flight risk and wanted me on electronic monitoring.  The judge agreed.  Well it turns out that "electronic monitoring" consists of monitoring that you stay under house arrest.  I am allowed to go to work at 8:00, be home by 6:00, and that's it.  House arrest for four months.  Starts tomorrow.