URNotAlone

Step One of Twelve

December 19th, 2007 7:35 pm MST

Hi, my name Sonia, and I'm a fuck up.

I was thinking about twelve step programs after browsing one Stacy's books titled "12 Steps to Raw Foods." I'm not quite converted to raw foodism yet, but the time was right for me to get the message that step one of recovery is admitting that you have a problem. My legal problems have impacted my life severely enough lately that I've finally felt compelled to start talking about them to a few people. Last month when I knew my chances of staying out of jail were dwindling, I started confessing parts of my story to a few people. I told my immediate supervisor that I had a court date that I might not be coming back from. I confessed to my girlfriend that I was afraid I was headed for problems and I might not be the person she thought I was. (Of course she promptly had our best mutual friend sit me down for a serious talk...) Hmm, and then I talked to my mother recently and told her I had been in jail and stuff. One thing I had heard from a couple people is, "Sonia, when you talk to a lawyer, you have to tell them EVERYTHING." Why would people say this to me? Do they get the sense that I'm not telling them everything? Well...there's probably something to their suspicions. It's easy for me to rationalize my eliptical stories, thinking, telling myself, and telling others out loud that, "It's complicated. It would take months to tell the whole ugly story. This is all that you need to understand."

That's denial, huh. If step one is admitting that I have a problem, I have to admit the whole problem. I have to admit it to myself before I can hope to understand it. Yeah, there is a whole ugly story, and yeah, it will probably take months to unravel it. Still though, I have to start. This is exactly what I hoped to start when I started this journal.

But, um, that was June, 2006. Eighteen months ago. That's a lot of months and, yeah, next to no progress. One might even argue that I've slid quite a few steps back for every step forwards. Maybe I just haven't admitted my problem yet.

So what is the problem? What do I have to admit? Let's say, just hypothetically, that I wanted to talk about my problems to someone--like a lawyer. Can I express my problems coherrently enough to even start a conversation? Below is the email I sent today to a legal group that helps transgendered people with limited resources. I think it's the first time I've expressed my problems this completely.

Dear [organization],

I am a transwoman currently in need of legal assistance. I am trans in the sense that I live full time as a woman while still legally and biologically male. My current legal problems are not obviously related to me being trans, but I am in desperate need of help and hope you will consider my situation and offer whatever guidance you can, even if it is only to refer me to someone else you think might be able to help.

My legal problems are related to alimony, paternity, and child support. I have failed to defend myself against claims against me, and further, have been negligent in responding to various court orders related to these claims. I have no good excuse or explanation for my inaction. Depression, anxiety, or gender dysphoria might all be proposed but I do not expect to be able to use any of these as a legal defense. I just need some way out of my problems and I currently don't have any workable plan. My friends refer me to lawyers but so far the responses I have had from lawyers have been to stare at me blankly and ask me how I expect to pay for legal services, to laugh in my face and say, "you're going to jail, my friend", and to tell me to get a second job. These responses have not been helpful.

My cases originate in Kansas. Massachusetts is taking action against me now to attempt to enforce these support orders from Kansas. These actions have included confiscating 100% of my paycheck, all of my bank accounts, my driver's license, jailing me for 35 days; and now I am currently under house arrest on electronic monitoring for 120 days.  As a result of being jailed and having bank accounts disabled, I lost my my apartment and my landlord confiscated all of my possessions, including all documentation I have related to this case. My credit cards and cell phone are suspended.

I am basically living out of a tote bag, sleeping in a friend's bed, relying on various friends to feed me, showering at my office, making do with a few changes of clothes and one very leaky pair of shoes.

I am employed. I have worked as an astronomer at the
Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics here in Cambridge for the last five years. My annual salary is $50K. As I mentioned, currently the court is currently taking all of that. I get zero. I currently have no money except pocket change amount handouts pushed into my palm by close friends. My job, my friends, and my spirit are my precious assets.

I would be happy to come to your office if you would be willing to spend some time discussing this further. My electronic monitoring schedule will not allow me make one of your evening legal clinics, but can take off work for an appointment with you most any time during regular work day business hours.

Sincerely,
Sonia Keys