URNotAlone

Being Me

March 12th, 2010 10:05 am MST

I've been thinking about this being a girl, crossdressing, doing drag....admiring drag queens, transexuals, and the whole thing for a very long time. Since puberty atleast and I've always been compelled to do it and amazed by it. I've often over the years felt guilty about it afterwards and purged in my earlier years. Telling myself never again will I do it. Yet always going back to it never been able to control that urge. I just love the feeling too much. I've had the fantasies of being a woman or a shemale many times... they just keep recurring. I finally got honest w/ myself after a while. I told my wife when we first met I crossdress and she's been very supportive along the way..Bless her soul for dealing w/ me. Although she doesn't pretend to understand it. Kind of hard to understand when I've just begun to myself. I'm not all out in the open w/ people in the work place or my family and kids. This is what makes it hard because I feel like I'm two different people instead of one. My girl side and my guy side... when in reality I'm still just me! But that girl in me just isn't happy unless she's all dressed and being girly. I've just been having a hard time lately being the man all the time for everybody...when I really feel I wanna be the woman. But I keep on thinking...my job, my family, my kids, my wife.... Well so I think I really need a ladies night out! Usually I don't mind changing back to the old me... I still like after going out as Zaya. I think I'm just due for a night out...the pressure tends to build in between times.