URNotAlone

This Transgender Existance: Where I Am

January 3rd, 2009 11:30 am MST

 I was chattign on  line with a friend  last night and discussing  where I am in  my journey and the reasons for such.

 In the way of a little background I am now 52 soon to be 53(May 5 too close whew!!) but then again age is only  one more label we use to define ourselves. Around the age of  9 I had my first experience related to wht I at the ti me saw as cross dressing.  I always saw it as that in my formative years but somehow the sinning of female attire was never about sexual gratifacation there was always something more it seemed to transport me to a more calm and serene feeling. Being raised a wasp this conflicted with not only my socialization but what I was taughta s a protestant. Of course by the time I reached  puberty I was invovled in scouting and so many other male oriented activities that I was able to ignore or at least sublimate  the other desires.

  Through high school I would have been considered to be shy around girls.  As I have  matured and come to understand myself bettter I now realize what I at the time thought were crushes on several girls were not that at all. I now believe that I was atracted to  their feminine beauty and strength because though physically I apeared to be male psychologically and spiritually I was struggling to  gain my female awareness.   What I was really desiring was that my shysical attributes would have allowed me to share true gender with other females and to experience  and share those pubescent rituals with the girls. Through college I once again was able to sublimate my true self because my focus was on graduating andd starting a life.

  Many  times through my 20's and even into my early 40's I would return secrectly to the dressing to  satisfythe  innerneeds. Always it woudl be fine for a short period of timethen my religious and social upbringing would surface and I would feel deep guilt why am I this way boys don't have those desires besides its a sin just look in the bible.   my major  confusion was based on the misinformation that I was exposed to growing up the idea that  boys that wanted to dress as girls were gay. Yet I k newin  my own heart and mind that my sexual orientation was not gay so what was wrong with me if I wa snot gay why did I harbor this desire to dress female and  even more  why did I expereince such an overwhelming sense of calm and joy when I was dreswed female?

 As I reeached my mid 40's the conflict reached a point where I could no longer ignore the needs. The major event in my life at this time that put on more a road of self discovery was my first pc and my first encounter with the internet.   The first search parameters I ever typed into an engine were the terms cross dresser, transvestite and  transsexual.this was such an ephipany for me becasue though  logically I probably always comprehended that I was not the only one to see thousands uppon thousands of sites dealing withthe whole tg spectrum was proof positive that I was not alone.  At this point in my  journey I immediately accepted that I was a cross dresser and  felt such a relief of burden becasue if I there were so manyothers aroudn the world not only was  I not alone but maybe I wasn't so strange.

 Through another girl I meant in a chat room I was guided to Trie Ess ( The Society for The Second  Self):a national and international organzation that is a support group for cds an d their families> Upon reading the theory of the second self I came to the revalation that this made sense about who I was and where I fit. This was  8years ago and in the beginning of my self realization this was a comfortable place for me I could express myself  in a group of like minded people. I was able to get out once  a month as  my inner female self. Somewhere in the middle of the second year of my tri ess association I realized that accepting myself as a cross dresser was just a step ina much larger  journey. What led me tothis  realization is one saturday night after returning home from the monthly meeting I had such a heavy sense of dread that Ihad to remove al the clothing and make up and go back to the male appearance. It was at this point that Iunderstood that identifying as a cd had been a comfortable place to start but it wasn't really me. It was that nightthat I began identifying myself as transsexual.

  Though due to circumstances in my life at this time I still live the majority of my life as a male I now identify as a non op ts female. Many people I have spoken with feel that its wrong for me to identify this way because  niether am I yet living even 50% of the time as female or on hrt (hormone replacement therapy).  My answer to that is that I know in my inner beign that I am female and that  point can not be argued. I also am told that becasue I have not revealed this to my immediate family I am not being true to myself.  My answer to that is especially with my parents becasue of their age and the time they were brought up in its better not to ask them to deal with it. Also as htey are in their 80s and my mother isstricken with ms and my father is her care giver I think it would be quite selfish of me to make this an issue for them. As I gro tounderstand myself more I also have come to the conclusion that as much as we want others to accept that this is whowe truly are that it is hard to lay that expectation on them when it takes us so long to understand and accept ourselves.

  I have found ways to cope. I have several very close ts girlfriends that constantly express thier love and support and provide encouragement.  Theyhave helped me to understand that while many of us take this journey  each of us is unique in that we each find the paththat owrks  best for us.

  My friend told me last night that she thought I was being strong and valiant by considering my parents needs over mine. Iam not sure  if that is the case I just know that as my inner female traits grow and develope that in an indirect way while they still seee me as their son they are getting to nowtheir daughter.

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Repost of "The Ocassional Woman"

September 9th, 2008 10:06 am MDT

I am reposting this article the suthor makes  some very valid arguemwnt that I can relate to. Being a partitme non op ts who values  thetime she can spend  being herself but not able to realize the fruition of her desire to be full time  at this juncture in her life due to circumstances beyond  the obvious financial  ones I do cherishand value the time I get to express myself as the woman I am.

The Occasional Woman

An Old Essay by Cheryl Ann "Cassie" Sanders Reprinted Here (with a
last line added here)

There are those among us with XY chromosomes who can choose to "be"
women whenever it is convenient for them … and whenever, and for
however long, they choose to, be it a weekend, a day, an hour, a
month, or forever.

Often, they are a lot prettier than you. Often, while choosing to be
women, they move with more grace than you do, dress with better
taste, unselfconsciously feel things with a woman's natural
sensibilities that still alludes you.

Often, they are long passed the time when their sexuality was
centered on their clothes, and instead the lucky ones find themselves
in comfortable, even passionate, even if intermittent, relationships
with men or women.

Sometimes, if they are lucky, they experience the ultimate
authentication, they love and/or are loved as women. (And even
sometimes, they find themselves rolled up in a ball, under a throw,
in a window seat, crying from a heart hurt by another ...
experiencing a kind of feeling different from the way a man ever
feels and in a way that is no way distinguishable from that of any
woman, natal or transsexual.

)

I deeply admire transsexuals, the ultimate existential heroines,
women of courage, choosing to live their lives as they were meant to,
no matter what tricks nature and fate have tried to play on them.

But some few of them seem to be so unreconstructed in their
prejudices.

As an occasional poster in various tg forums, I've noticed that I've
often found myself taking a curious place in the forum debates.

Like Don Quixote charging the windmills, I champion the committed
crossdresser, the dilettante transvestite, even at the extreme, the
lowly, lonely, panty-wearing, rushed masturbator, even sad her. I
champion them all, I argue for their sisterhood in gender quandary,
for their fully legitimate, fully equal places in our community, not
more nor less, just different.

I rage against the last vestiges of class warfare in our community,
especially from the transsexuals who claim political correctness, but
can't suppress their lingering perceptions of the crossdresser as
being, somehow, of a lower order of being than themselves.

Especially when transsexuals use their perceived unique class as the
basis of their higher claim on political discourse, they insult
everyone, including themselves. (Since I am not black, maybe I cannot
feel in my gut all the ways racism is wrong; but that doesn't mean I
can't despise the stupidity of racism with all the same passion as
anyone else.) My contribution to political discourse, like everyone
else's, should be based on the reasonableness of my arguments, not on
some special class-based right.

Ironically, for these reprobates of yesterday's transsexualism, it is
their own lack of free will, their own lack of choice that they
trumpet triumphantly, that they use as justification, even to
themselves, for their air of superiority.

They are so threatened! They find the concept of choice, the idea of
fluidity of gender, not as different, but as an attack on the very
tales, tales however true or just convenient, tales they tell
themselves about their own lives. And their response to the
perceived attack is so sad, so defensive, so hysterical a distancing
of their class from all the others and, what's worse, a disdain for
all the others that's palpable … and unjustified.

In contrast, I have many 24/7, fully-realized transsexual friends on
many different points of the gender expression spectrum, from deep
stealth to in-your-face, I-am-what-I-am ... and these many
transsexual friends have no trouble calling me "sister."

But for those transsexuals who, even at this late date in the ongoing
nature-of-gender debate, those transsexuals that succumb to name-
calling, this touchy defensiveness, this distancing, this unworthy
disdain exposes a nerve of protest-too-much self-doubt that is
embarrassing in its obviousness.

Get over it girls. We're not better nor worse than you. We're just
different.

We are free. And our courage is in recognizing and acting on our
freedom … whenever it is convenient … and whenever we choose to.

Don't ever dismiss me as a "weekender." You don't know me.

Alan Barrie
Cheryl Ann "Cassie" Sander

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The Occasional Woman

September 9th, 2008 10:02 am MDT

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An Old Essay by Cheryl Ann "Cassie" Sanders Reprinted Here (with a
last line added here)

There are those among us with XY chromosomes who can choose to "be"
women whenever it is convenient for them … and whenever, and for
however long, they choose to, be it a weekend, a day, an hour, a
month, or forever.

Often, they are a lot prettier than you. Often, while choosing to be
women, they move with more grace than you do, dress with better
taste, unselfconsciously feel things with a woman's natural
sensibilities that still alludes you.

Often, they are long passed the time when their sexuality was
centered on their clothes, and instead the lucky ones find themselves
in comfortable, even passionate, even if intermittent, relationships
with men or women.

Sometimes, if they are lucky, they experience the ultimate
authentication, they love and/or are loved as women. (And even
sometimes, they find themselves rolled up in a ball, under a throw,
in a window seat, crying from a heart hurt by another ...
experiencing a kind of feeling different from the way a man ever
feels and in a way that is no way distinguishable from that of any
woman, natal or transsexual.

)

I deeply admire transsexuals, the ultimate existential heroines,
women of courage, choosing to live their lives as they were meant to,
no matter what tricks nature and fate have tried to play on them.

But some few of them seem to be so unreconstructed in their
prejudices.

As an occasional poster in various tg forums, I've noticed that I've
often found myself taking a curious place in the forum debates.

Like Don Quixote charging the windmills, I champion the committed
crossdresser, the dilettante transvestite, even at the extreme, the
lowly, lonely, panty-wearing, rushed masturbator, even sad her. I
champion them all, I argue for their sisterhood in gender quandary,
for their fully legitimate, fully equal places in our community, not
more nor less, just different.

I rage against the last vestiges of class warfare in our community,
especially from the transsexuals who claim political correctness, but
can't suppress their lingering perceptions of the crossdresser as
being, somehow, of a lower order of being than themselves.

Especially when transsexuals use their perceived unique class as the
basis of their higher claim on political discourse, they insult
everyone, including themselves. (Since I am not black, maybe I cannot
feel in my gut all the ways racism is wrong; but that doesn't mean I
can't despise the stupidity of racism with all the same passion as
anyone else.) My contribution to political discourse, like everyone
else's, should be based on the reasonableness of my arguments, not on
some special class-based right.

Ironically, for these reprobates of yesterday's transsexualism, it is
their own lack of free will, their own lack of choice that they
trumpet triumphantly, that they use as justification, even to
themselves, for their air of superiority.

They are so threatened! They find the concept of choice, the idea of
fluidity of gender, not as different, but as an attack on the very
tales, tales however true or just convenient, tales they tell
themselves about their own lives. And their response to the
perceived attack is so sad, so defensive, so hysterical a distancing
of their class from all the others and, what's worse, a disdain for
all the others that's palpable … and unjustified.

In contrast, I have many 24/7, fully-realized transsexual friends on
many different points of the gender expression spectrum, from deep
stealth to in-your-face, I-am-what-I-am ... and these many
transsexual friends have no trouble calling me "sister."

But for those transsexuals who, even at this late date in the ongoing
nature-of-gender debate, those transsexuals that succumb to name-
calling, this touchy defensiveness, this distancing, this unworthy
disdain exposes a nerve of protest-too-much self-doubt that is
embarrassing in its obviousness.

Get over it girls. We're not better nor worse than you. We're just
different.

We are free. And our courage is in recognizing and acting on our
freedom … whenever it is convenient … and whenever we choose to.

Don't ever dismiss me as a "weekender." You don't know me.

Alan Barrie
Cheryl Ann "Cassie" Sander

[Comment on this post]

Untitled Post

September 5th, 2008 10:31 am MDT

      I amposting thishere it is an article poste din an egroup I belong to. I can realte tot his as  Iam a nonop ts but do nto live 24/7 at this time but cherish the times i can be my true self.

__._,_.___

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Untitled Post

September 5th, 2008 10:29 am MDT

This is an article posted in an egroup I am in  I can relate to it becasue being a non  op ts who cannot at thei time live 24/7 I cherish  the ti me I get ot spend as my true self.

The Occasional Woman

An Old Essay by Cheryl Ann "Cassie" Sanders Reprinted Here (with a
last line added here)

There are those among us with XY chromosomes who can choose to "be"
women whenever it is convenient for them … and whenever, and for
however long, they choose to, be it a weekend, a day, an hour, a
month, or forever.

Often, they are a lot prettier than you. Often, while choosing to be
women, they move with more grace than you do, dress with better
taste, unselfconsciously feel things with a woman's natural
sensibilities that still alludes you.

Often, they are long passed the time when their sexuality was
centered on their clothes, and instead the lucky ones find themselves
in comfortable, even passionate, even if intermittent, relationships
with men or women.

Sometimes, if they are lucky, they experience the ultimate
authentication, they love and/or are loved as women. (And even
sometimes, they find themselves rolled up in a ball, under a throw,
in a window seat, crying from a heart hurt by another ...
experiencing a kind of feeling different from the way a man ever
feels and in a way that is no way distinguishable from that of any
woman, natal or transsexual.)

I deeply admire transsexuals, the ultimate existential heroines,
women of courage, choosing to live their lives as they were meant to,
no matter what tricks nature and fate have tried to play on them.

But some few of them seem to be so unreconstructed in their
prejudices.

As an occasional poster in various tg forums, I've noticed that I've
often found myself taking a curious place in the forum debates.

Like Don Quixote charging the windmills, I champion the committed
crossdresser, the dilettante transvestite, even at the extreme, the
lowly, lonely, panty-wearing, rushed masturbator, even sad her. I
champion them all, I argue for their sisterhood in gender quandary,
for their fully legitimate, fully equal places in our community, not
more nor less, just different.

I rage against the last vestiges of class warfare in our community,
especially from the transsexuals who claim political correctness, but
can't suppress their lingering perceptions of the crossdresser as
being, somehow, of a lower order of being than themselves.

Especially when transsexuals use their perceived unique class as the
basis of their higher claim on political discourse, they insult
everyone, including themselves. (Since I am not black, maybe I cannot
feel in my gut all the ways racism is wrong; but that doesn't mean I
can't despise the stupidity of racism with all the same passion as
anyone else.) My contribution to political discourse, like everyone
else's, should be based on the reasonableness of my arguments, not on
some special class-based right.

Ironically, for these reprobates of yesterday's transsexualism, it is
their own lack of free will, their own lack of choice that they
trumpet triumphantly, that they use as justification, even to
themselves, for their air of superiority.

They are so threatened! They find the concept of choice, the idea of
fluidity of gender, not as different, but as an attack on the very
tales, tales however true or just convenient, tales they tell
themselves about their own lives. And their response to the
perceived attack is so sad, so defensive, so hysterical a distancing
of their class from all the others and, what's worse, a disdain for
all the others that's palpable … and unjustified.

In contrast, I have many 24/7, fully-realized transsexual friends on
many different points of the gender expression spectrum, from deep
stealth to in-your-face, I-am-what-I-am ... and these many
transsexual friends have no trouble calling me "sister."

But for those transsexuals who, even at this late date in the ongoing
nature-of-gender debate, those transsexuals that succumb to name-
calling, this touchy defensiveness, this distancing, this unworthy
disdain exposes a nerve of protest-too-much self-doubt that is
embarrassing in its obviousness.

Get over it girls. We're not better nor worse than you. We're just
different.

We are free. And our courage is in recognizing and acting on our
freedom … whenever it is convenient … and whenever we choose to.

Don't ever dismiss me as a "weekender." You don't know me.

Alan Barrie
Cheryl Ann "Cassie" Sander

[Comment on this post]

Untitled Post

September 5th, 2008 10:25 am MDT

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Life or Lifestyle?

September 1st, 2008 10:54 am MDT

    Being a transgender person in fact identifying as a nonop -ts: though I don't live 24/7 at this time; I really get  anoyed  when people referr to this as a lifesyle. In fact I feel the same way about referring to  any of the various facets of the GLBT communityas a lifestyle. While I guess you could quite effectively argue that by the dictionary definiton;" the typical way of life of an invidual, group or culture;" it is such I think that makes it a vague generalization. First  of all I see lifestyle as making a concious choice to be or live a certain way.  Believe me I struggled for years to come to the conclusion about myself that I did. Since it took me the better part of what I hope is the first half of my life to come to terms and accept that this is who I am I do not see it as a lifestyle as much as it being  my life.  Yes, in the sense  that I quit running from myself and accepted who  I am that is a choice. I guess myarguemetn is that I did not wake u p  one  morning  I say I am transexual today I was born  this way and it has taken  al this time for me tosort that  out and realize it.

      How does this relate tothe rest of my community? I have come to realize that anymember of the GLBT Community can make the same arguement. I do beleive for lack of a better term that this is how we are hard wired at birth and the  one and pnly choice we have  in this is to either accept or deny who we are.  Because in the process of  making the decision to accept who we are and live our lives in what we see as the correct manner we open ourselves up to ridcule, ostricism and  all kinds of other negative things including being labeled as deviant or sick  I do not think  it is a life style as much as it is my life because it who I am.  The main point I am trying to  get across here is the idea that I did not  just wake up one morning and say gee today I am transsexual and I woul d rather  be a woman than  a man I mean think about this would I really just suddenly decide to send mylife in a direction that woudl expose me to all the negative  reactions that society  and even  family seem to have towards  the idea of gender idenitity or sexual orientation?

       So you see to me this is life and its my life its who I am and how I live.  Undoubtedly life would have been much easier had my  appearance and anatomy matched my  mind and spirit and psychological state. It would have been nice to never have had to go through this self discovery and have had everything  functioning in harmony.  Finding myself has helped me togrow as  personand now  I can look at others without having to  label them or prejudge them. I have become acquainted with some  wonderful people that I would never have known if Ihad not  had to make this  journey. Until I  made my journey of self discovery and accepted wh Iam Iwould have  probably looked upon this as a lifestyle but to me it is my life and his is the way ihave to live it  to be happy, healthy and survive. While its true that I have made the ch oice that this is who I am that was more a coming to the realization of  who I have always been rather than making a decision to be something or someone I'm not.  Si  maybe what I am saying is  that my life is who  I am and  my lifestyle is how I  choose to  convey that to the world.

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Not Quite Predestination But.......

August 14th, 2008 4:49 pm MDT

   A couple recent events in my life made me quite introspective.  On august 2nd  I had been helping  with moving some furniture to a friends apartment. I was about 15 minutes from getting  home when I was rear end at a stop light sending my car through  an intersection from the impact frotunately here in Colorado there is an interval when all lights are red so there not any  traffic inthe intersection. Needless to say my car was totaled and I had slight injury to my left shoulder other than that I survived and am recovering quite well.  The thing about this incident is it occurred on saturday afternoon around 2:30 nothing unusal about it  other than on  most saturdays I am just getting out of work at that time. This particular saturday however I was taking a personal holiday' Had it been a normal saturday I would nothave been invovlved inthe mishap.

    The second incident happened this past friday(Aug 8). My father; who is 81: had been working  in the yard moving rock and dirt in plus 90 degree heat. He came in only once for something to drink. After working around 2 and a half hours he came  in for good. He showered and then began to prepare dinner. He was perspiring profusely which is not normal for him. He sat downat the table complaining of exhaustion I got him some apirin and he took them  he started to get woosy so I called 911.  The paramedics arrived and stated treating him.  He was taken to the hopital emergency room where he was eventually diagnosed with serve dehydration.. It ws infact severe tothe point that had the paramedics not arrived and started treatment whenthey did  he could have died. I live with my parents but I often go out on friday night and on a normal friday night Iwould have been gone at the time this  occurred and my mother; who is confined to a wheel chair by ms: may not have been able to amke it to the  phone in time.

      What both of the incidents have in common is that  had I been following what is pretty much my normal routine I would not have been in either place at those ti mes on those days. I would not calit predestination  but I do believe that everything has a purpose in our lives and that there was definitely some reason for  me being where I was and when Iwas on those two days  Of course I amnot quite sure what the purpose for  me being involved in the car accident was. But obviously the purpose of my being home that friday night is  pretty evident.

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On Being T

July 10th, 2008 6:45 pm MDT

Well seems some of  my journal entries ahve disappeared. Often I  go over in  my mind would my life have been easier or better if I was not trans or had I been  born  gernetically a female.  In answer to that I can only say  while it has been a long journey of self discovery  that there are many  peoel in my life that would not be there had I had a normal life and not  been born with gender  confusion. While I owuld  trade allthe confusion and years of searching for myself I would not  give  up  my many friends inthe glbt community that  I no doubt would  never have  known had  either been born geneticaly female or had a "normal " male existence. I so much value the other girls  ihave come to know that are onthis same journey an dI know that  in my younger  years when I did not realize  I was tran Iwould have looked upon  these gals as freaks but now I know better. I have developed so many wonderful friendships  here on urna and in real ti me and  value each and every girl I know thats onthe same  jouney. Some of these philosophical questions are best left alone I am h a ppy knowing who I am and that I am not alone and that I have so many sisters going through the same issues. All I know is  once I have sorted this all out my life is richer for knowing  my friends in the ocmmunity  and all my friends here on urna.

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Lifestyle

June 26th, 2008 2:31 pm MDT

    last friday  night I was eforming i some shows at Bj's Which is a local gay bar . During the break between shows I was chatting with some hetero gals that  had stopped int he bar to see what was up. The one was chatting with  me and Ihad explained to her that while i do nt live ful ti meas a woman I do identify as a non  op transsexual woman.  Sghe was very intrigued  by this and  asked many questions to satisfy her curiousity. She immeadiately asked me if I were gay and  I explained to her that I have no physical, mental, emtional orsexual attraction to men. Taht though I desire to be a woman  I  also desire to  be with women which makes  me a lesbian this ocnfused her somewhat she could not understand why one would identify genser s wise as a girl and  sexually still want to be with  women. I explained to her that  I have never had any kind of sexual atraction or desire  towards men that its my view that guys just want to fuck you  know thew wh ma bam thnal you mam thing  where women want the fore paly the cuddling and caressing etc. She did  pay me the compliment of saying that I  pulloff  the being a girl thing very well. I should say here that while I do perform in drag shows I do not view myself as a drag queen or a female impersonator  I  do se my self as a woman and there fore I do not do the over the top  makeup and hair but  my music is campy which is what  drag is all about. I am just a girl having fun up on stage and  sharing a side of me thats fun and quirky.

      During this discussion the  woman Iwas  chatting with referred to this as a life stlyle. I do nto see it as a lifestyle because that  implies choice in the mater. While it did take me 45yrs to discover who I am I did not make a concious choice to be transsexual that is just part of who I am.  It certainly no doubt would have been a much easier life for me had I not been transssexual but Iwould not change that now  except to say it would have been nice to have been  born with a  bodyt hat was in tune with  its soul and spiirt.  What I wouldlchange is  understanding myself earlier in life that is not to say things would be any diffeerent today inr elation to where I am on  my  journey because there are so many cirucmsances that factor into that.  When others refer to being gay  or lesbian or trans  as a lifestyle they have no idea how off that is becasue when you stop to think about  no one is going to  wake up one mornig and jsut choose to be someone or something that exposes them to  guilt, shame, ridicule and humiliation from others in society who choose to demostrate their ignorance rather than educate themselves.  To me it is not a lifestyl it is my life with allits battles and comlications I would not trade it to nto be who I am.

     In the last month or so so much has changed n my life ingeneral especially at work and those frustrations jsut magnify for me the importance of  taking the next steps in this journey. My idssatisfacation  with  the way things are goign at work is just a microcosm and relfection of the nner  frustrations I  feel at  not being able to live fuul timnme as the person I really am. It has certainly been magnified in my mind  oveer the last sevral weeks  becasue the responsibilities at work  have  often cut into, limited or even in some cases totally eliminated what time Ihave to truely be myself.  There are many hurdles involved and when the time ocmes those at work willbe even greater than what Iface with my family because I have already seen first hand how the company I am employed by handles these issues. 

      I  amTrans its who I am its made me more aware as I have made the self discovery and fortunately dfor me I have three or four very clsoe  transwomen who for m a support group for me encourage me and love  me as a sisiter without them Iowuld really be lost.  Two of them have lived pretty much their whole adults lives as transwomen one  has been fully transitioned since she was 19 and the other has lived as  non op since she was 21 I am thankful for these  friends and their love guidance and support.  My dearest trans girl friend is Jenny whom I have known for  yrs when i first meant her on line I had no idea she was ts so as I once told her I have always viewed her as Jenny a woman  with outthe trans label. She told methat she appreciated that but she needs that as part of her hsitory I am finally beginning otundersand exactly what she means.

    I digressed  quite a bit  so I wi ll close bysaying that  being transsexual is not a lifestyle  rather it is my life.

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On Self Understanding

May 11th, 2008 5:27 pm MDT

 As I  come toundertand myself more I realize that  in ways it i so selfish to believe that  once we come to self undrstanding we should expect others to be able to  at  the least understand us whenwe come out to them. When I examine this closer  I realize that  if I had so much confusion and difficulty understaning and accepting that I am transgender its kind of sily for me to just expect otehrs to readily accept and understand it when I share the fact with them.  It is also interesting to me how third parties that know me on a somewhat casual basis view me.

     I have a very dear and close  gg friend Phyllis who has  known me  for the  7 years that I have been  out she acepts that while I am not  in a position to  g begin hrt and live 24/7 I still identify as a non op ts and spend as much time as I can presenting  that way.  She has another female friend ; that  knows  me through  Phyllis; who recently asked   her is Gigi just a cd or more? Now this person is married to a tg who  has been on  hormones for several  years lives 24/7 as a woman but has not had srs yet.  Phyllis told this person Gigi idneitiifes as a non op ts. The response  she got was filled with  questions begining with  well does she live   as a woman   24/7? Is she on hormones?  and so on.  Phylis answered no  for manyreasons that have to with job and family issues she does nto live 24/7 as a woman  nor is she yet on  hormones. Promptly hte otehr person  responded then there is no way she can be ts. Phyllis politelytold her that she could not know what another  felt in their heart. This made me  think about it t and I thought  that while her reaction and  opinion are totally off base it is easy to see  why she had that perception of the situation.  However ,  her reaction was a  little suprising to  me seeing as a she is married to a non-op girl herself.  I would venture to say there are many many other  girls in situations similar to mine that  view themselves as non op ts but are not able to start hrt or live 24/7 for a myriad of reasons. Yet it easyto see how others could make the judgement that we are not ts becasue we  haven't this or we don't live that way ft.  I gues its hard for them to convieve that a person can feel  this way and yet  still live ina mode they are not the happiest with. They jsut don't have the ability to understand that while we feel the way we do  we can nto always act on it instantly because  there are always consequences and circumstances we can not control. 

    I guess the point here is that I was kind of suprised to learn that especially someone  invovled with a non op girl  had a list of criteria in her mind that  others have to meet to  be ts.  It ocmes down to this for me though since none of us fully understand  the why  of how we feel its certainly easy to see why it ocnfuses and confounds those that  don't have to face it.  Would it  be  nice if I ahd never had to face this issue? Of ocurse without a doubt.  Once I undrstood ws  I sorry that this is  who I am ? Not at all.  I daressay that justt like the rest of my ts sisters I wish had  not had to go thrugh all this  to know who I am but at the same time  I can certainly  not deny  the fact either

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Reconnecting or Just Connecting

April 11th, 2008 9:21 am MDT

 I mentioned in aprevious journal entry that my older brother had passed on withut ever meeting his sister.  I also discussed how we can  honor the memories of  those we love the best. I have found the way to honor  his  memory and to at least in spirit let  him know his sister.

  He lived several years on the Upper Pennisula of  Michigan in Houghton to be exact. He once mentioned to  my father that those were the best times of his life and if he passed he wished to be cremated and then have his ashes spread on Lake  Superior. So to honor this wish and celebrate his life as well as to reconnect or really to connect for the first  time  with  him as his sister I will be making the  journey from  Colorado to  Michigan to fulfill this wish. As I wil be the only one traveling  except for thepresence of his spirit we will be bonded  in a sporotual sense for the first time. I decided that since Ihad not seen  him  much over the last  year that this would  be the way to honor and celebrate his life and what I  learned from it.

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Reasons

March 25th, 2008 4:31 pm MDT

We all have our reasons for bring where we are in our transition. While I  se myself as a nonop ts woman andwould perfer at this time to at least live full time as  the woman I know I am I do  not.  A lot of people I have discussed this with think I am not being truthful by continuing to exist in my male being.

      There ae some things that need to be understood about me to make sense of  this.  First  until the  age of  45 I was confused as to who I really am. At that time I accepted  myself as a  cross dresser . About  three years into identifying as a cross dresser I realized that really wasn't me  because one night after being  out when it was time to change I really did not want to at that point I realized  that I wanted to be female not  just dress like one.  At that  time the clothes became a way for me to  let  the rest of the world know  who I am it was the feeling of  being feminine that I desired and the clothes were an out ward  sign of my  inward feelings.  I think this is different for every person in that while I was always confused at the desire to dress female and why I felt comfortable doing I never  have experienced that self hate that some ts women do I never despised my body but just wished it to be different. I have also never experienced that feeling of being so  desparate to change that if I oculdn't  I owuld bebeter off dead I know many experience those suicidal feelings and I can not imagine  feeling that way.

  I know that at some time I desire to fully transition but now is not that time.    That being said many wonder why I do not take the steps to live full time as  non op. The major reason I don't is as  yet I have not even told my family the way I feel. My parents are now in their 80s and though Ihave no doubt of their love for me I feel that it would be way too much to ask them to handle becasue f their views on the whole thing. Also my mother suffers from progressive ms and my father  asked me four years ago to move back in with ; them since I am single: becasue he wanted me around for help and to watchmymotehr when he has to be gone. While I would love to tell them that they have a daughter they  have never known about I know that intheir  hearts theywould always see me as their son and thats who they need to see.  As far as the rest of mylife is concerned Ihave many freinds that  know  me as a cross dresser and  a few that know  I feel ts. i do not think that  it is at all deceptive to let each individual that knows  me view in the way that  works for them at the  moment. I hope sometime in the near future t hat I can reveal myself but for me this is not the time to do it.

    Please feel free to ocmment Iwould love to know how others handle this and  what  you think of  my view of how I am handling it.

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Celebrating Life

March 24th, 2008 11:18 am MDT

    Yesterday my older brother passed away at the age of 53  he was only 14 months older than me. I think the shock is that we are so close inage thoughhehad been suffering alot inrecent years becasue he was in poor health. I got to thinking everyone grieves in their own way. But should the passing of aloved one  to  abetter place be  mounring their leaving us or celebrating the life and example they left behind.

   I think  it  honors our loved ones to remember the value their lives brought to us. If there is one thing I can learn from  my  older brothers existence its you should live your life theway you want and  be  who you truly are. We grew up in amiddle clas environment and wantd for nothing yet my older  brother was the rebel the on to go against  convention. He chose  the path of most resistence yet  he lived in the manner that he chose and did what he wanted. While he was not trans  he was certainly  not one to live by convention and ther was never any  question  of who he was  or what he thought. If  I do  have one regret  its that I never  took the opportunity to let him  know his sister for most of  his life I was so confused about who I am that I had o n  o idea myself however the last  several years I sorte dthat  out and started downthepatht o discovering and sharing whoI am yet I never took that opportunity to honestly share myself with him.

  I ahve no doubt thathe isrestingpeacefully and has gone onto a better existence. All I can say is while he was stil here I never realized that in his way he set an w example for  me  be who you are and  don't be afraid of what you are. I am goign to do my best to try  and start living tht way  in his honor.

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Needing To Rant!!

March 10th, 2008 4:17 pm MDT

Ok, today I happened to be flipping through channels and stopped for a microsecond on the Jerry Springer Show. I do nto make it a habit to watch this rating grabbing ridiculous trash ever. The title of the show caught my eye though " Dancing With Gay Guys". I ;as a member of the greater GLBT community; took it as an insult and an affront to the community as a whole and to the gay faction in particular. Of course I realize that 99.9% of whatever crap Jerry dishes to his loyal followers is sensationalized to grab ratings and attention. The small portion I saw included the audience on stage dancing with the gay guy in hoedown fashion. then their neighbor who is also their friend stated that they are just to openly gay. If that was not enough then the woman : not girlfriend: that lives with their neighbor came on ranting about them going to hell cause its not natural. To add to the mockery Jerry's resident drunken minister showed up to perform the ceremony. This was all in about a two minute interval. As I say I realize that Springer is theater; be it very bad theater; meant to entertain rather than inform and mostly just planted actors you know '"I'm not gay I , I just play one on Springer." Unfortunately the intelligence level of the average Springer viewer can be measured in negative integers. This is the type of drivel that he presents today it just happened to be gays, he has done the same to transgenders, trans sexuals , lesbians and all other members under the GLBT rainbow. Unfortunately this passes as educating the masses by promoting negative stereo types about whatever group he is poking fun at that day.
I have many gay friends and I know none of them that act this way in public even in the bars and if they do its in the midst of drag entertainment which is completely different from Springer. In fact as appalling as it is for those that can not stand any gays or any other facet of the GLBT they would be shocked to discover that gays and other members of the GLBT are some of the most understanding, helpful and outstanding members of the community at large not just the GLBT. I was personally offend by the small 2 minute snippet that I watched because I took it as an affront to my friends and to the community at large because it amounted to nothing more than a parody of one segment of society. But as I realize its always easier to mock or hate something rather than try and understand it. Spronger is definitely the Saturday Night Live of talk tv rather than being thought provolking it just provolks the sensibility of anyone with a functioning brain and yet there are those that watch it and even worse believe its real as Leonard Pith Garnell used to say on Bad Theater ," there that wasn't so good was it?"

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How Menaingful

March 2nd, 2008 3:48 pm MST

   It's amazing to me how meaningful one line from a song  can be.  as a performer I am always chose new songs I have been learning the song "Hopeless" by K.T. Tunstall. There is a line in the second half of the song  that  says " Now I'm just discovering I'm living in a different body like a little spider I'm climbing the insurmountable..     to me this so succinctly states not only the way i feel but  the trans condition. After all we are all feminie souls that some how got trapped in male bodies. Once we make this discovery  many of our battles to come to grips with our condition and eventhereaching of what each se as thier ultimate goal  quite frequently seem to be insurmountable yet we battle on. Many of know what we want but  many of us also have circumntances that  do not allow us to take that last step and so  on a daily basis our lives seem insome way to  face insurmountable rod blocks.

   Soon I wi ll be 52 I spent the ifrst 45 of those years throughly confused about who I a was and who I was supposed to be. Then at 45 I realized that I had spent my  life living in a different body  the shell which contains my soul w is male in every sense but that has never been who I am . I went through a metamorphosis once i realized that I was living in that different body there was a definite progression. At first I  identified  as a cd : which I realize now was a misidenifacation; it ws  maybe  half way into thesecond year of being out and about that  it dawned on me that  that was not who  Iwas either. This revelation came  one night after Ihad been out when it was time to  demorph I realized thaat I really did not want to go back to  looking like a man at that  point I realized that  being out enfemme had become much more than just about wering the clothes it was about the feling of everything some how feeling closer to right that that was who I really am. Now though I do nto live full time as a woman and have nto  started  hrt  I know that  theperson that most people see and appears to be male is really  a female living in a different body rather than saying the wrong body. I know in myheart there willcome atime when I can bein the right body then the world will know the real me. I  knwo there are so many  more sisters out there like me  a feminie soul living in a different body. I guess  the old line lart imitates life is true though I am not 100% cerrtain I don't think that  K.T.  meant the line to be interpreted that way but thats how it speaks to me.

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