URNotAlone

How Menaingful

March 2nd, 2008 3:48 pm MST

   It's amazing to me how meaningful one line from a song  can be.  as a performer I am always chose new songs I have been learning the song "Hopeless" by K.T. Tunstall. There is a line in the second half of the song  that  says " Now I'm just discovering I'm living in a different body like a little spider I'm climbing the insurmountable..     to me this so succinctly states not only the way i feel but  the trans condition. After all we are all feminie souls that some how got trapped in male bodies. Once we make this discovery  many of our battles to come to grips with our condition and eventhereaching of what each se as thier ultimate goal  quite frequently seem to be insurmountable yet we battle on. Many of know what we want but  many of us also have circumntances that  do not allow us to take that last step and so  on a daily basis our lives seem insome way to  face insurmountable rod blocks.

   Soon I wi ll be 52 I spent the ifrst 45 of those years throughly confused about who I a was and who I was supposed to be. Then at 45 I realized that I had spent my  life living in a different body  the shell which contains my soul w is male in every sense but that has never been who I am . I went through a metamorphosis once i realized that I was living in that different body there was a definite progression. At first I  identified  as a cd : which I realize now was a misidenifacation; it ws  maybe  half way into thesecond year of being out and about that  it dawned on me that  that was not who  Iwas either. This revelation came  one night after Ihad been out when it was time to  demorph I realized thaat I really did not want to go back to  looking like a man at that  point I realized that  being out enfemme had become much more than just about wering the clothes it was about the feling of everything some how feeling closer to right that that was who I really am. Now though I do nto live full time as a woman and have nto  started  hrt  I know that  theperson that most people see and appears to be male is really  a female living in a different body rather than saying the wrong body. I know in myheart there willcome atime when I can bein the right body then the world will know the real me. I  knwo there are so many  more sisters out there like me  a feminie soul living in a different body. I guess  the old line lart imitates life is true though I am not 100% cerrtain I don't think that  K.T.  meant the line to be interpreted that way but thats how it speaks to me.