URNotAlone

Reasons

March 25th, 2008 4:31 pm MDT

We all have our reasons for bring where we are in our transition. While I  se myself as a nonop ts woman andwould perfer at this time to at least live full time as  the woman I know I am I do  not.  A lot of people I have discussed this with think I am not being truthful by continuing to exist in my male being.

      There ae some things that need to be understood about me to make sense of  this.  First  until the  age of  45 I was confused as to who I really am. At that time I accepted  myself as a  cross dresser . About  three years into identifying as a cross dresser I realized that really wasn't me  because one night after being  out when it was time to change I really did not want to at that point I realized  that I wanted to be female not  just dress like one.  At that  time the clothes became a way for me to  let  the rest of the world know  who I am it was the feeling of  being feminine that I desired and the clothes were an out ward  sign of my  inward feelings.  I think this is different for every person in that while I was always confused at the desire to dress female and why I felt comfortable doing I never  have experienced that self hate that some ts women do I never despised my body but just wished it to be different. I have also never experienced that feeling of being so  desparate to change that if I oculdn't  I owuld bebeter off dead I know many experience those suicidal feelings and I can not imagine  feeling that way.

  I know that at some time I desire to fully transition but now is not that time.    That being said many wonder why I do not take the steps to live full time as  non op. The major reason I don't is as  yet I have not even told my family the way I feel. My parents are now in their 80s and though Ihave no doubt of their love for me I feel that it would be way too much to ask them to handle becasue f their views on the whole thing. Also my mother suffers from progressive ms and my father  asked me four years ago to move back in with ; them since I am single: becasue he wanted me around for help and to watchmymotehr when he has to be gone. While I would love to tell them that they have a daughter they  have never known about I know that intheir  hearts theywould always see me as their son and thats who they need to see.  As far as the rest of mylife is concerned Ihave many freinds that  know  me as a cross dresser and  a few that know  I feel ts. i do not think that  it is at all deceptive to let each individual that knows  me view in the way that  works for them at the  moment. I hope sometime in the near future t hat I can reveal myself but for me this is not the time to do it.

    Please feel free to ocmment Iwould love to know how others handle this and  what  you think of  my view of how I am handling it.