Journal Entries for Jamie Lee Sprague
Family
October 16th, 2006 9:53 pm MDT
My partner lost his mom last week. he has never came out to his mom or step dad about being a gay individual. He has always tried to live to please them, and be the best son that he could be. His mom although has known about him being gay, but has also never bought it out into a discussion with him.Well while dave has been dealing with the lost of his mother, his step dad told his sister to inform him that he is not welcomed to the house, and does not want any part of him, because he is gay, and he is excluded from the family wills.As this was a complete slap in the face, we have learn a hard lesson, that it is not worth it to live your life to please your family, as you will wind up hurt any way, and they will screw you in the end.As with my family, I can not tell them the truth about myself any longer, so it is hard for me to keep in comminication with them. I do talk to them maybe once a month, and when I talk to them, I pretend to be the son, they beleived they had.Maybe one day they will understand this is a condition, that I was born with, and not something I woke up and decided to do, since it seems like fun. Then maybe we will be able to communicate like a real family, and not play make believe.I certainly hope if this is to happen, then it would happen before it is to late, and time passes by without being able to share our true feelings.Even though at times I may get frustrated with my family, I still pray that maybe we can come to grow closer, and find a way to communicate with each other.
Male!!! Female!!!
October 16th, 2006 9:53 pm MDT
We are taught that there is only two sexes, male and female. We only know that in which we can see. We are not comfortable with the unknown!Do you really think God created the world so simple, black & white, male & female. I believe there is much more to male and female then what we are taught.We know there are people born with both sexual organs, known as hermaphrodites. So I now believe that god has created more then what we envision what is suppose to be. The creator of this unverse wants us to learn from one another. To realize that the world is more complex than what we think.Male and females come in many various forms, and not only distinguished from the outside, just as the saying goes, do not judge a book by its cover.Open a book and read what is inside, one can learn a vast deal and in turn receive great knowledge.
Education!!!
October 16th, 2006 9:52 pm MDT
As most gay, lesbian and transgendered people grow, they live according to how they are taught, and try and do what society expects us to do. So often we find ourselves in a marriage, we try hard to make it work, but deep down we know this is not how we are suppose to be living, it does not feel right, am I really doing what God wants me to do, trying to live a double life.We reach the breaking point, and finally it all comes out. We don't mean to hurt anyone, we are just trying to do what was expected of us, but then We realize the pain we have caused others along the way.Can they forgive us, because we didn't mean to hurt them, and we started out with love in our hearts, and a commitment we thought we could honor. Not realizing we really couldn't.What if someone taught us at an early age, to be who we are. Excepted us for our true identies, encouraged us, and allowed us to become who we are meant to be. If they didn't preach that only man and woman can marry. If we weren't an outcast to society, and to the religious organizations.Now I know that Jesus, the son of God would have never condemned me as most of the organized churches do, they teach about people such as I, and what an abomination I am to this world.I suppose if they are truly perfect people themselves, let them throw the last stone at me then!!!I will not throw a stone at someone, if they do me wrong I just ask my God to give me courage, and give them wisdom, for they do not know, what they are doing.May I be a source for education, a person that one can learn from, for all I do will be for the Glory of God above.
The Date!!!
October 16th, 2006 9:50 pm MDT
Well it is less than a year away. The day in which I have been dreaming about since I was 5 years old.I knew around the age of five, that I was different, I didn't feel right. I was always treated like a boy, but why? Why can't I wear that pretty dress that she has on, or play with her toys.Question after question, and all unanswered. Tear after tear asking from above, why can't I just wake up in a different body.As I grew older, I would often think about self mutilation, thinking I could then justify myself to others (not knowing at that time, that really would not solve the problem, and you need your gentails in order to create the vigina). Other thoughts would be that of sucicide as time would pass by, and I kept living a double life, it would grow harder and harder for me to cope.Until that one day when my wife confronted me, becuase I came home the next day, after being out all night, because this is who I really am!She yelled what is happening are you out with another girl, are you gay, or what?Toward the end of our marriage we were constantly fighting, because I was growing more distant, and it was hard for me to continue living as though I am a male.As hard as it was I then freed my soul, and told everyone about myself.That was only three years ago. Since then I now have been preparing for the day that will really set me free so I can move foward in my life.August 10, 2007, I have planned my SRS surgery (sex reassignment surgery). This surgery is important for myself, in order to move foward, and to free my mind, so I don't have to keep my genitals tucked between my legs, as though it is not there, as though that is my vigina but deformed.There is one problem, finances, are looking shaky. We have a long mountain ahead of us to go in a short amount of time. I paid my $500.00 deposit for the surgery date. Now I need to raise $19,500 more dollars.My head is starting to hurt constantly, becuase of the fear of not making it. I need this, I need to wake up, and feel normal!!!If I could just wake up and it just all be over, as though it was a nightmare, trapped in the wrong body.I lay me down oh Lord, let me wake transformed, or take my soul to keep, as I can not bare the pain no more!!
Death All Around : Posted on September 12, 2006
October 16th, 2006 9:49 pm MDT
At certain times during our lives death seems to come in spurts around us. This week has been one of those times. My Father-in-law, my children's grandpa, is preparing the family for his departure from this temporary world we live in.My partner has been struggling back and forth for sometime now with his Mom and dad's health. But this week it seems to be coming closer to reality, that their dying can come at any minute now. Both parents seem to be hanging on to see the other one off first, before they can rest.Both in the same hospital room. Hospice was called in for the mom this week, as it really seems to be harder for her to hang on much longer.My partner is in such turmoil mentally, as this has taken a toll on him for sometime now. Several trips have been made back home, because each time we thought one or the other was going to pass away.How easy it is to say that they will be in a better place, and will suffer no more. But, yet their presence to us here seems so final, and for the most hard to just let go.All three have made their peace with the family, and seem to waiting for the final call.I feel I have been trying to be a comforter, and offer what comfort I can to my children, and my partner. I have even called my Ex, just to let her know regardless of our past, if there is any I can do, I will try and be there.I often wonder if death is harder on the one passing, or those left behind to wait our turn.With death, we can sometimes forget our own sorrow, and reflect on memories of the past, which can bring a sweet smile, and presence to us. Sometimes we can even feel a certian peace or calmness as a person passes onto the promise of a better life.We morn and cry intially, but then we start talking or praying to the person who left before us.
Will my parents ever understand?
October 16th, 2006 9:48 pm MDT
Why is it my friends can understand me better than my own birth family?I did tell my Mom, Dad and brothers about myself 2 years ago. I told them that this is something I knew when I was age 5, but didn't know how to come out and tell them.At first they seemed to except the news pretty well, and it appeared I had the most understanding family one could have. Well unfortunately, instead of coming closer, it drifted us apart a little more. I have not really had good communication with my brother over the past 2 years, and my father definitely could not except me for who I really am.My mom dealt with it, and we have had some dialouge, but it to became evident, she was not and could not fully except me for who I really am.They had a daughter when I was born, but never knew!!Well 2 months ago, I tried an experiment. I called my dad and told him I will stay as I am. My dad has taken that as to mean I will stay as a male, and still be reffered to as my former name. when telling him that he said he almost cried, as he was happy, that I changed my mind, as he did not want to loose a son.I was glad to see him happy, but realistically, I know I can not exist and be happy without completing my change.So I have been back in the closet with my family, as they seem to cope better, not knowing, and pretending everything is how society teaches us to live.When I call them, I pretend to be someone who they want me to be. I am fortunate, that they live in AZ, and there is a distance between us. I suppose if I go visit, I will then dress up like a male, and put on my male personality, that I have learned for the past 41 years of my life.I guess part of life is making people happy, and sometimes, keep your real self hidden.I feel as though my family will never know the real me, because it is easier for them to cope. Because I do love and respect them I will honor their wishes. I no longer talk to them about my feelings, but at least I still have a family.My children live here in Vegas, and they know and have seen the changes I have been going through, I do not hide myself and feelings from them. They seem to be more understanding, and adjusting well.Maybe one day my birth family will come to understand, and really accept me for how I was born. Until then I will try and help make their lives easier for them.
A change of heart!! My father-in -law: orginally posted on September 10, 2006
October 16th, 2006 9:42 pm MDT
I had a very interesting phone call this evening. My ex-wife and children are in AZ right now. They went back to AZ to see her Dad, the kids grandpa, my father-in-law. This week they were informed that he was going back to AZ, and wanted to see the family, as he had some important information to share with them. They found out also during the week he was moving back to AZ, as he was leaving his wife, which he married about 2 years ago, then moved to Texas. His new wife did not want him to preach anymore. He has been a preacher throughout most of his life, and definitely was not an option for him, as his faith is more stonger, and would not be forced to give up his love for God, and his personal relationship with God.Thursday night my children called me very upset. They were contacted by their aunt, and told their grandpa was very ill, and looked really thin. They left Friday after school, and drove back to AZ in the evening. I told my children, to keep me informed, of how he was, and I told them that I would pray for their grandpa.I also assured them, that even though their mom and I are no longer together, does not mean that I do not care about their family.Unfortunately, and sadly when their mom and I went our seperate ways, I was not in touch with the family, as they did not really approve of who I was, and as most people in the world, the unknown is viewed sometimes as being bad or evil.Well tonight my second eldest daughter, Amanda called. She said that she had something to tell me, because her grandpa wanted to tell me, but was unable to really talk, as he is also losing his voice. She informed me that he said he loved me for who I am, and it does not matter what I am, he knew that God still loves me also.Wow!! I cried, I could not believe in the change of heart from him, as in his religious upbringing, someone such as me is viewed, as a sinner. For him to tell me such beautiful words as such, bought tears to my eyes.Thank you Manuel Torres for such beautiful words.With LoveJamie
To my children
October 16th, 2006 9:39 pm MDT
I have three beautiful children who may not understand everything I have been through, and through my transition, they also are transitioning with me. By far it is not easy for them, as it is not easy for me. It is easy to say I should have never married in the first place, but then I would be denying my children. I do not do this to harm them or make their lives any harder then what it is. I do this because it brings peace within myself, and allows me to to continue to be in their lives for a longer period. I know if I tried to keep living a secret, I would not continue very long. But now, as things fall into place, and a goal to try and meet, there does bring hope, and I will be around longer for my children. I can only hope and pray that through all of this, they will grow also, and learn life is not just black and white, male and female. We are all created differently, and if we can learn from one another, this world could become a better place for everyone. Everyone born is a beautiful person, and a treasure to be found.
If you are a parent can you accept your child for who they really are?
October 16th, 2006 9:37 pm MDT
If before people become parents, they should ask themselves, if they will be able to accept their child for whom they may be, Gay, Lesbian or transgendered. If they feel they could not handle a child who is not to their standards, then parenting may not be the choice for them! Maybe then their wouldn't be as many homeless teens because they were rejected from their parents.How can a parent disown a child, just because of how they were born, not a choice!
Through my own struggles!!!
October 16th, 2006 9:32 pm MDT
This was posted on September 3rd, 2006 on http://blog.myspace.com/lv_jamie Through my own struggles of accepting myself, and becoming the person who I am. I hope I can reach out and help someone else who also may have their own struggles with their sexual or gender identity. For each person is put here for a reason, no matter how big or small the task shall be!!
