URNotAlone

Smooth Hairless Legs, Painted Toenails, Sexy Panties.... What's next?

December 21st, 2007 10:04 am MST

December has been a crazy month for me. I hardly know where to begin. My feminine side has been very strong lately. I guess its safe to say that because of that I have been pushing the boundaries a bit with expressing my femininity. I have always had pierced ears, and wear earrings from time to time. I have been tweezing and slightly shaping my eyebrows for years but now I have been painting my toenails and keeping them pretty. Of course since its long pant weather, I have been staying shaved and smooth including my legs, my privates and my under arms. I have also been trimming my arm hair to a very short length. On top of all of that I have begun wearing panties almost every day. Needless to say, all of this has really thrown my wife for a loop. I’ll get to more about that later. At some point this month my wife suggested a visit to friends of ours who live a few hours away. I was all for it. Then she brought up the fact that they have a Jacuzzi, and she couldn't wait for us to use it. I had to remind her that I have smooth hairless legs and painted toenails (I know that I could simply remove the nail polish, but the hair on my legs would never grow back fast enough, besides I really don't want to remove the polish or let my leg hair grow back in.) That would certainly raise a flag. I began to think about this long and hard. I began to get very angry. Why would that make me angry? Well, I have come to accept myself for who I am. I am a tgirl. I am OK with that. I would say that within certain limits my wife is OK with that too. Yet, I have to hide who I really am from loved ones and friends. I really don't want to hide myself, but I am a realist. I know that there are repercussions if I reveal my true self to the world. I began to wonder which, if any of our friends would understand and remain our friends. I decided that it would be a good idea if I joined a local support group. Perhaps it will help to talk about this with others who are in the same situation.  So, when during an innocent online chat with my wife, when she suggested that Kaitlyn needed a purse and a cute clutch, I replied yes she did, as she (Kaitlyn) would like to attend a local support group meeting and would need a purse for her things. This really confused her. We thought it best if we continued the discussion in person. In the mean time I continued to search the web for information about acceptance and telling friends. It was during that search that I stumbled on a very interesting web page. I wish I could recall the link as would love to provide it here.  The site was a real eye opener. It made me stop and think about things and helped me see things from my wife's point of view. Many points introduced on the site really stuck with me. Some of which follow (paraphrased): If your wife decided to wear a fake beard and mustache would you be accepting of it? How would it make you feel? If your wife decided to stop shaving her legs, would you be accepting of it? How would you feel about it? How is your honest reaction different from the level of acceptance your wife has given you?  The site really did provoke quite a bit of soul searching and thought. In addition to the questions I paraphrased above, it dealt with how she was now sharing my "secret" and what it might mean to her if that secret got out. Now, I want to point out, that all of this doesn't change who I am. I still am the gender-gifted individual that I always was. I have no intention of denying that or trying to change that. The only difference is that after much personal reflection and "sorting things out" I am more aware of how my gender expression has an impact on those who I love and care about. What I was failing to realize was that, while I was basking in the glory of expressing my feminine self, I was at the same time, making my very supportive wife wonder what would be next, how far would this all go. I thought it would be a good time to have a glass of wine with my wife and have an honest and intimate discussion about my dressing as well as my desire to attend a support group regularly.   So when the time was right, we sat and we talked things over. We first covered my desire to attend a support group meeting. She asked if I felt that I was sick or had a problem. I expressed to her that I was not feeling sick, or that I had a problem. I affirmed that I was comfortable with who I am, and with my gender identity. I explained to her that it was my frustration that I had to hide who I really am and how I like to present myself from the world, and more importantly from our friends. I told her that I would like to be able to make some friends locally that I could talk to for mental support and hopeful to find someone who I can go out to the clubs with. Once she understood, she gave me her blessing on attending the meetings. Now I just need to reach out the group and begin attending the meetings. We continued to speak about my gender expression. She was concerned that I kept moving further and further with expressions of my femininity.  Many of the same questions old questions came up again. I chose to answer them with more candor and honesty beyond what I had ever done before.  Q: Are you Gay? A: No, I don't think so. I have thought about this very hard for a very long time. In the end the simple fact is that I am not attracted to men. I try to imagine myself with the typical "Hollywood hunks", and it just not something that I am interested in. Q: Are you Bi? A: No, again, I am not attracted to men. I do admit that there is part of dressing that is sexually exciting to me at times. I also have to admit that I am attracted to other like me. I am not sure what that makes me but I am attracted to other tgirls. I also do love the feeling of ....(I had a hard time coming up the right phrase while talking to her, and now as I type this I struggle to find the right words once again)... I do love the feeling of being penetrated and filled by various adult toys. I often wonder what the "real thing" would feel like, but I am turned off by the fact that it would be attached to man. So now that that is all on the table I am not sure how to be classified as far as my sexual preference, but I think that clearly defines my likes and dislikes. Q: Do you want to become a woman? A: No, I don't want to be a woman full time. I don't want to be a man full time either. I wish I could change back and forth at will. But I don't think that’s ever going to happen.  I would love to have real breasts, but I wouldn't want to get rid of my "tackle". Of course real breasts would severely limit my male side, so that’s out of the question too. Q: How far is this going to go? A: I really do not know. I wish I could tell you, but I really do not know. The only thing I can say is that I promise to tell you openly and honestly if I grow to want to go further with this, or I desire anything different sexually.   We continued to talk for quite a long time, and we covered quite a bit of ground on various other topics as well. In the end I wanted to make sure that any time I do take, as Kaitlyn, would not be creating a negative impact on my family. We agreed that I would discuss any time that I wished to spend en femme prior to doing so. I stressed that I would be open to her saying that this would not be a good time. She appreciated this, and agreed to be honest with me about the impact. She also stressed that she understands this is part of who I am and that I need to have time for my feminine side. I think we both came away from the discussion feeling much better about things. About a week later, I had an opportunity to dress and spend some time as Kaitlyn. I took a ton of photos (I’ll be posting them to my site eventually). My wife came down and helped by taking some photos of me. She was very complementary and supportive. I was a wonderful evening and I thoroughly enjoyed it.   The next morning, we had a small chat about my dressing; she wanted to make sure that I knew she was ok with it. I took the opportunity to thank her for being so supportive and allowing me to be who I am. I also told her that I understood the secret that I was forcing her to keep. In light of how hard it must be for her, that if she wanted to disclose it to a friend that she could trust she has my blessing. My only request is she lets me know who before she does so.   Well last night was a wonderful night. For the first time ever, Kaitlyn received a Christmas gift from my wife. She got me three wonderfully sexy pairs of panties from Victoria’s Secret. I was so happy I nearly cried. It really comes as an affirmation of her support and acceptance of all that I am. I am so happy that I am able to sit here today typing this while wearing my new panties with the support of a loving wonderful woman. I am sure there will be much more to post in the coming year…..   Thanks for reading this very long-winded post; I hope that all of you have a wonderful holiday and a fantastic new year. 

[3 comments]

Finding time to bring Kaitlyn back out into the world.

December 3rd, 2007 1:09 pm MST

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and reflecting lately. Where do I stand today? Long ago, I accepted myself for who I am. I am a T-girl. I am OK with that. I get to spend time a Kaitlyn so very rarely these days. What is a T-girl to do? I want to get back out in the world as Kaitlyn, but at times it seams there are so many obstacles to remove. I have always tried to put my commitments to my family and my job before my need to express and experience my feminine side. Unfortunately, those commitments leave me with precious little free time. As a result I find that I feel I am neglecting my feminine side.

Lately, the need to get Kaitlyn back out has been growing. This has given me pause to reflect on my situation. Three years ago, I relocated from upstate NY to North East PA to take advantage of a job opportunity. From a career perspective, it was a very good move. I thought at the time, that it would be a great move for Kaitlyn as well. With NYC and Philadelphia in such close proximity to my home, i thought that Kaitlyn would have a wonderful new opportunities to get out in the world. As it turns out there is a very active TG population much closer then those major cities. I was in luck!  Or so I thought.

As it turns out, that new job keeps me extremely busy. With the exception of two wonderful visits to Amanda Richard's True Colors Studio for makeovers and photo shoots, I have not been out in the world. In fact, it rare that I get online to chat much any more. So as a result I have been having a very difficult time developing friendships with any of the Local T-girls.  This is not because there are not any friendly T-girls around, its not because there haven't been invites to go out to the clubs or the support groups, its not because there isn't anything happening in my area, on the contrary there is a ton. When it comes right down to it, its because of me.

I think one of the reasons that I got out in the world when I lived in upstate NY, is that I met a few friends online and came to trust them enough to venture out in public with them. Dana and Randi, you will never know how much your friendship and encouragement has ment to me. That trust that developed online, was in large part due to the fact that I had the time to spend online getting to know these girls. My problem now is how does a girl with such limited time establish such a friendship? How do I make the time that Kaitlyn needs, and maintain balance with the rest of my life?

[3 comments]

Pierced Ears.

July 6th, 2007 5:17 am MDT

Hi everyone, I am hoping that some of you might be able to help me with a small problem. I am lucky to have both ears pierced. That allows me to wear all kind of wonderful earrings. My problem is that one of my piercings has closed up on the back side of my ear. Is there an easy/best way to reopen that hole? Thanks to anyone who can offer a suggestion.

[4 comments]

Now that I am back, how do I avoid burning out again?

June 9th, 2007 11:34 am MDT

Last night was the first time in over 6 months that I spent anytime as Kaitlyn. As I mentioned in some of my earlier journal posts, I was burnt out on dressing and felt like persuing other things. Well, last night was great. I felt so wonderful, so calm, so happy, so right (I could go on with this, but I think it best to stop with the so whatevers.) I had a chance to spend quite a bit of time and really enjoy myself. I got to chat and cam with a bunch of old friends (and some new ones too) and take some photos too (there's a surprise). All in all, it was a perfect way to spend an evening. I feel so much better for having done so.

So here is the question that I am currently facing: I have the time and oportunity to spend some more time as Kaitlyn tonight. I even have the chance to get out to a local meeting and get to know some of the local girls. A part of me really would like to do this, but there is another voice in my head pulling me in the other direction. That little voice is saying that I should look for balance, I enjoyed some femme time last night, now I should enjoy some of the other things that I really like to, and want to do. I am tempted to, and leaning towards doing something else with my time tonight, in the hopes that I avoid over doing the Kaitlyn thing, and as a result avoid the burn out.

What do you all think? How do you avoid burnout?

Well, that's it for now.

Hugs

Kaitlyn

PS - here is a pic from last night  

[4 comments]

She's back!

May 22nd, 2007 4:56 am MDT

Hi everyone,

As many of you know, it has been a while since I have been "active". Nearly 6 months since the last time I dressed. To put it bluntly I was burnt out on dressing so much. I also had other things that I would rather be doing in my very limited free time. I started to feel the desire to spend time as Kaitlyn building a few weeks ago.  I wasn't sure if it was a passing desire, or a back to "normal" desire to be Kaitlyn on a regular basis. Well seams that it was not a passing desire. So I am glad to say that Kaitlyn is back! Now all I have to do is find the time, and this is a very busy summer for me. Never the less, I am back! I will be posting some old sets of unreleased photos from last year as time allows, and of course taking some new ones soon. I am hoping to schedule another makeover at some point this summer and intend to start planning on attending a T-event soon.  Thanks to all of my friends who sent me messages of support and concern. I am fine. I have been through this before. I was smart enough to know that I go through these phases, and thank God I did not purge. I look forward to catching up on emails, and chatting with so many of you on yahoo soon. Until then.....

Hugs
Kaitlyn

[3 comments]

Strange Times

May 14th, 2007 12:43 pm MDT

Hi all,

It has been quite a while since I spent anytime as Kaitlyn. Strange, but I just haven't wanted to. Its been almost 6 months since I dressed and spent any time en femme. Other things have had my focus and attention. My wife actually mentioned that she misses Kaitlyn. I haven't even spent anytime on my website, I have a few sets of unposted material to get up there one of these days. Don't know if anyone else goes through these extended periods where they don't have the desire to dress. Truth be told, I think I burnt out on it. I was doing it so often that I just wanted to do other things. I must be slowly getting back into it, since I am here and posting the journal entry, but who knows. I did want to say hi to all of my friends here and let them know I am ok. 

Hugs to all from Kaitlyn 

[3 comments]

Another great makeover and website updates

November 19th, 2006 3:06 pm MST

Hi Everyone! I had another great makeover with the amazing Amanda Richards of True Colors Makeup Artistry this past Friday! We really took some chances and tried some very different looks for me. I had a great time, and learned so much from Amanda. Unfortunately I am sooooooo far behind on posting my photos, that I am a long way off from posting anything from the new photo shoot. The good news is that I just posted 25 photos from the first makeover I had with Amanda way back in June of this year. I hope you all will stop by  my website and let me know what you think. (www.kaitlynalexis.com)


I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!

Hugs
Kaitlyn

[1 comment]

Evolving into Girlfriends

May 9th, 2006 7:35 am MDT

Wow! Well girls, just when I thought things couldn't get any better.. they did. As many of you know I cherrish my wife and our relationshiop very very much. It has been a long road from acknowlegement to acceptance to support to participation with my dressing. Last night was one of those times when I really felt things change in our relationship. We were watching some TV last night, and talking about some clothes in the latest Newport news catalog. My wife mentioned that she really liked some things but wanted to get Kaitlyn's input. Well, I was all too eager to help with that! She pointed out several outfits and told me what she was looking for. I was able to make some nice suggestions based on the cut of the clothes and how I think they would look on her. In the end, she got a sweet swimsuit, I got a denim camisole and blouse. What was really cool was that I had selected a great black top with cutouts at the sholders, and she loved it so much we decied to get her one too! She said we should both wear them sometime when we go out! Then she complimented me on my tasted, thanked me for my help and mentioned how nice it was to shop with a woman again. She called me a woman! I just about melted! While I was finishing the order, she decided to surf over to my website where she found my Top 10 things to do as Kaitlyn. She didn't mention anything about number 4 (To make love with my wife as Kaitlyn). Knowing her, I take that as a good sign since she certainly would have mentioned it if she had an issue with it. I went to bed that night, feeling very girly and feminine.

This morning I found a note from her that simply said "Thank you for letting me be a part of your WHOLE life". I feel like the luckiest girl in the world, and I just wanted to share my happiness with you all.

[4 comments]

Yesterdays Shopping adventure

May 7th, 2006 8:48 am MDT

Hi everyone. I just wanted to post a quick entry to tell you all about my shoping trip yesterday. My wife and I hit the local outlet mall and had the best time searching for clothes for each other. It felt like we were two girlfriends helping each other with fashion advise. It was a wonderful time. In the end I ended up with a cute new skirt and some great new hoop earrings!

In other news, I am scheduled for a makeover in June. I can hardly wait! It seems to be all I can think of these days! My wife plans on joining me later in the session, and then perhaps I can find some place for us both to go afterwards.... Does anyone know of any thing going on in the PA area June 23rd? It would be great to attend some sort of event or girls night at a club after the makeover.

Well, thats what is new with me.  

[Comment on this post]

Taking the Next Steps

April 17th, 2006 7:23 am MDT

Well here I am, a few weeks after Kaitlyn’s face to face meeting with my wife. I must admit that I am still euphoric after so many days. I feel like I have been released from captivity and I feel so much closer to my wife. Her response continues to be very positive, in fact I get the impression that she is anxious to hang out with Kaitlyn again.

Unfortunately obligations to work and family have kept me from spending any quality time as Kaitlyn since the meeting. Looking ahead to the coming weekend I suspect no time will avail itself. I am anxiously looking forward to the next time I get to dress.

However, like the title of this post said, I am taking the next steps in my expression of my feminine side. Now before I am misunderstood, I am not taking steps towards transition. I enjoy both aspects of my personality, with out one or the other, I would be incomplete. I am however taking steps to enhance my presentation as a woman. I have just started working on my voice, partly because my wife mentioned it as being strange to hear my male voice coming from Kaitlyn, and partly because it is something that I really want to do. I have been watching the “Finding your Female Voice” from Deep Stealth productions and practicing in the car as I drive to work. I must admit that I feel silly sometimes, but I hope that in the end it is all worth it.

Well, that's my update. Thanks for reading it. Hugs to everyone!
Kaitlyn

[1 comment]

OMG - Finally my wife met Kaitlyn

April 2nd, 2006 9:38 am MDT

Well it finally happened. As many of my friends know, I am married to a very supportive and understanding wife, who knows all about Kaitlyn. She has seen Kaitlyn's photos, and will often help me shop for her. She was never quite ready to meet Kaitlyn in person, and I never pushed the issue. Well that all changed last night.

I was all dolled up in my new "business suit" and taking some photos for my web site (Yeah, I know... me taking  photos, what a shock!) About half an hour in to taking photos my wife called down to me, and asked If I would like some help taking the pictures. Oh my God! Of course I said yes! So down she came. There she was, face to face with Kaitlyn. I was breathless (mostly due to nervousness, but of course that new corset that was laced extremly tight might have had something to do with it too!). She told me that I looked great and we started taking some photos. I must admit that I was very nervous, I wanted her to be comfortable and didn't want to do anything that would prevent this from happening again. She took a bunch of photos for me, one which I have linked to  bellow. She actually posed me  for this  shot:  

We both were clearly nervous, however I would walking on a cloud as evidence by the goofy smiles I had on my face in well over half of the shots she took. After some time, she went back up stairs. I finished taking some more photos and then went to bed.

I was even more nervous this morning. I couldn't wait to get her feedback. Sure enough after we got up we had a chance to talk about it. She was very complimentary. She told me that everything about me was so feminine, the way that I moved, walked, looked. She told me she was jealous, and found herself immediately relating to me as a woman. She did say that two things got her a little freaked out and that is why she went back upstairs. The first was that she could not see her husband, she knew he was in there, but she only saw Kaitlyn. The transformation was so complete that it was very hard for her to see me as the man she married (Cool!!!) The second was my voice, although in appearance and mannerisms, I was female, my voice was the same voice I used everyday. Admittedly I have never spent any time working on my female voice, but she did say that it through her off to hear her husbands voice coming from Kaitlyn. I guess I have something new to work on. Overall we both agreed that it was a positive experience and that we will do it again. She also mentioned that she wanted to kiss me or hug me before she went back upstairs, but was unsure if that would mess up my body shaping or anything. Of course I told her that it would not and please go right ahead the next time.

I just wanted to share my joy with all of my friends here at URNA. Those of you who know me, know that I have been longing for this for a very long time. I can't wait to get dressed again soon, so that my wife and Kaitlyn can hang out again. Now I am off to learn about creating a feminine voice.

Hugs

Kaitlyn 

[8 comments]