URNotAlone

Smooth Hairless Legs, Painted Toenails, Sexy Panties.... What's next?

December 21st, 2007 10:04 am MST

December has been a crazy month for me. I hardly know where to begin. My feminine side has been very strong lately. I guess its safe to say that because of that I have been pushing the boundaries a bit with expressing my femininity. I have always had pierced ears, and wear earrings from time to time. I have been tweezing and slightly shaping my eyebrows for years but now I have been painting my toenails and keeping them pretty. Of course since its long pant weather, I have been staying shaved and smooth including my legs, my privates and my under arms. I have also been trimming my arm hair to a very short length. On top of all of that I have begun wearing panties almost every day. Needless to say, all of this has really thrown my wife for a loop. I’ll get to more about that later. At some point this month my wife suggested a visit to friends of ours who live a few hours away. I was all for it. Then she brought up the fact that they have a Jacuzzi, and she couldn't wait for us to use it. I had to remind her that I have smooth hairless legs and painted toenails (I know that I could simply remove the nail polish, but the hair on my legs would never grow back fast enough, besides I really don't want to remove the polish or let my leg hair grow back in.) That would certainly raise a flag. I began to think about this long and hard. I began to get very angry. Why would that make me angry? Well, I have come to accept myself for who I am. I am a tgirl. I am OK with that. I would say that within certain limits my wife is OK with that too. Yet, I have to hide who I really am from loved ones and friends. I really don't want to hide myself, but I am a realist. I know that there are repercussions if I reveal my true self to the world. I began to wonder which, if any of our friends would understand and remain our friends. I decided that it would be a good idea if I joined a local support group. Perhaps it will help to talk about this with others who are in the same situation.  So, when during an innocent online chat with my wife, when she suggested that Kaitlyn needed a purse and a cute clutch, I replied yes she did, as she (Kaitlyn) would like to attend a local support group meeting and would need a purse for her things. This really confused her. We thought it best if we continued the discussion in person. In the mean time I continued to search the web for information about acceptance and telling friends. It was during that search that I stumbled on a very interesting web page. I wish I could recall the link as would love to provide it here.  The site was a real eye opener. It made me stop and think about things and helped me see things from my wife's point of view. Many points introduced on the site really stuck with me. Some of which follow (paraphrased): If your wife decided to wear a fake beard and mustache would you be accepting of it? How would it make you feel? If your wife decided to stop shaving her legs, would you be accepting of it? How would you feel about it? How is your honest reaction different from the level of acceptance your wife has given you?  The site really did provoke quite a bit of soul searching and thought. In addition to the questions I paraphrased above, it dealt with how she was now sharing my "secret" and what it might mean to her if that secret got out. Now, I want to point out, that all of this doesn't change who I am. I still am the gender-gifted individual that I always was. I have no intention of denying that or trying to change that. The only difference is that after much personal reflection and "sorting things out" I am more aware of how my gender expression has an impact on those who I love and care about. What I was failing to realize was that, while I was basking in the glory of expressing my feminine self, I was at the same time, making my very supportive wife wonder what would be next, how far would this all go. I thought it would be a good time to have a glass of wine with my wife and have an honest and intimate discussion about my dressing as well as my desire to attend a support group regularly.   So when the time was right, we sat and we talked things over. We first covered my desire to attend a support group meeting. She asked if I felt that I was sick or had a problem. I expressed to her that I was not feeling sick, or that I had a problem. I affirmed that I was comfortable with who I am, and with my gender identity. I explained to her that it was my frustration that I had to hide who I really am and how I like to present myself from the world, and more importantly from our friends. I told her that I would like to be able to make some friends locally that I could talk to for mental support and hopeful to find someone who I can go out to the clubs with. Once she understood, she gave me her blessing on attending the meetings. Now I just need to reach out the group and begin attending the meetings. We continued to speak about my gender expression. She was concerned that I kept moving further and further with expressions of my femininity.  Many of the same questions old questions came up again. I chose to answer them with more candor and honesty beyond what I had ever done before.  Q: Are you Gay? A: No, I don't think so. I have thought about this very hard for a very long time. In the end the simple fact is that I am not attracted to men. I try to imagine myself with the typical "Hollywood hunks", and it just not something that I am interested in. Q: Are you Bi? A: No, again, I am not attracted to men. I do admit that there is part of dressing that is sexually exciting to me at times. I also have to admit that I am attracted to other like me. I am not sure what that makes me but I am attracted to other tgirls. I also do love the feeling of ....(I had a hard time coming up the right phrase while talking to her, and now as I type this I struggle to find the right words once again)... I do love the feeling of being penetrated and filled by various adult toys. I often wonder what the "real thing" would feel like, but I am turned off by the fact that it would be attached to man. So now that that is all on the table I am not sure how to be classified as far as my sexual preference, but I think that clearly defines my likes and dislikes. Q: Do you want to become a woman? A: No, I don't want to be a woman full time. I don't want to be a man full time either. I wish I could change back and forth at will. But I don't think that’s ever going to happen.  I would love to have real breasts, but I wouldn't want to get rid of my "tackle". Of course real breasts would severely limit my male side, so that’s out of the question too. Q: How far is this going to go? A: I really do not know. I wish I could tell you, but I really do not know. The only thing I can say is that I promise to tell you openly and honestly if I grow to want to go further with this, or I desire anything different sexually.   We continued to talk for quite a long time, and we covered quite a bit of ground on various other topics as well. In the end I wanted to make sure that any time I do take, as Kaitlyn, would not be creating a negative impact on my family. We agreed that I would discuss any time that I wished to spend en femme prior to doing so. I stressed that I would be open to her saying that this would not be a good time. She appreciated this, and agreed to be honest with me about the impact. She also stressed that she understands this is part of who I am and that I need to have time for my feminine side. I think we both came away from the discussion feeling much better about things. About a week later, I had an opportunity to dress and spend some time as Kaitlyn. I took a ton of photos (I’ll be posting them to my site eventually). My wife came down and helped by taking some photos of me. She was very complementary and supportive. I was a wonderful evening and I thoroughly enjoyed it.   The next morning, we had a small chat about my dressing; she wanted to make sure that I knew she was ok with it. I took the opportunity to thank her for being so supportive and allowing me to be who I am. I also told her that I understood the secret that I was forcing her to keep. In light of how hard it must be for her, that if she wanted to disclose it to a friend that she could trust she has my blessing. My only request is she lets me know who before she does so.   Well last night was a wonderful night. For the first time ever, Kaitlyn received a Christmas gift from my wife. She got me three wonderfully sexy pairs of panties from Victoria’s Secret. I was so happy I nearly cried. It really comes as an affirmation of her support and acceptance of all that I am. I am so happy that I am able to sit here today typing this while wearing my new panties with the support of a loving wonderful woman. I am sure there will be much more to post in the coming year…..   Thanks for reading this very long-winded post; I hope that all of you have a wonderful holiday and a fantastic new year.