Janice Marie January 21st, 2010 9:42 am MSTSent to me by a friend. all I could say was Wow and realized that I wanted to share this!
Hugs
Janice
Reasons To Cherish Being Transsexual
I stole the original of this from someone else. I did a bit of editing to make it flow a little better, and make it fit my thoughts exactly.
Reasons To Cherish Being Transsexual
Because being transsexual is often so hurtful, so filled with sadness and longing, with shame and loss and difficulty, it is easy to come to the conclusion that the whole thing is a total curse, perhaps inflicted by evil ancient gods.
Oh, probably. But there is an upside also. Most human lives are utterly mundane, devoid of any real uniqueness, the average person sleep walks through an existence devoted to filling the roles expected of them. But to be a transsexual is a magical, wondrous thing.
Consider. We are given many gifts in compensation for the terrible loss of our childhood as ourselves, and for the pain we endure. We are by some as yet unknown mechanism statistically far more intelligent, as a class, than perhaps any other kind of people. We are almost universally more creative, and we often possess incredible levels of courage and self determination, demonstrated by our very survival, and ultimate attainment of our goal. We are as rare as miracles, and in our own way, as magical, or so has been the belief of all the ancient cultures on earth.
We are given awareness that others would never experience, understanding of gender, of the human condition, of society and the roles and hidden rules unquestioned within it. We are given a window into the lives of both sexes, and cannot help but be, to some degree, beyond either. From this we have a rare opportunity, to choose our own life, outside predetermined and unquestioned definition or role. We can do new things, original things, only because our experience is so unique.
We get to be true shape shifters, and experience the sheer wonder of a real rebirth into the world. Our brains and bodies gain benefit from having been bathed in and altered by the hormones of both sexes. We appear to retain our visible youthfulness for years longer, where others wrinkle. We possess neural advantages from both sexes, such as the language advantages of the feminized brain, and the spatial abilities of the masculinized brain both. We are shocked into waking up, if we allow it, to a life we create for ourselves...we are not automatically doomed to sleepwalk through life.
After our transformations. After the full-moon lycanthropic miracle that the modern age affords us, we can live lives of success and love, and a genuine specialness, if we choose. If we can get past our upbringing, past the programming, the bigotry, the messages of disgust from the culture around us, if we can stand as ourselves in freedom, then our special gifts grant us a heritage of wondrous power.
We have a proud and marvelous history, in ancient times we were magic incarnate. We were Nadler, Winkte, Two-Souls, Shaman and healers and magical beings to our communities. We possessed the ability to give the blessings of the gods and spirits, and were prized as companions, lovers, and teachers. We were the prize gift of ancient tribes, entertainers, designers and dreamers. Sometimes we were the (somewhat reluctant) rulers of empires, and the consorts of emperors. We were champions and warriors too, who were feared, for our unique gifts turned to inevitable victory.
Know, that it is only in recent centuries, with the rise of the single minded, monolithic and monotheistic desert religions, filled with harsh single gods and twisted, narrow morals, that our kind have become reviled, the objects of scorn. Once, we were the kin of the gods.
To be transsexual is not easy, and it is not a birth that could ever be envied, but neither is it a damnation. It was once considered a rare wonder, if a mixed one; a fairy gift that cuts as it blesses. And in the modern age, of hormones and surgery, we are the first generations of our kind to finally know the joy of complete transformation, of truly gaining our rightful bodies. No other transsexuals in history have been so fortunate.
I say that we are unicorns, rare and wondrous, with still a touch of ancient magic and the kinship of the gods. Though it is agony beyond the fire, we have the opportunity to become alchemic gold. We have much to add to the world, and to give to ourselves and those who love us. We have always been, we are still the prize of the tribe. Only the world around us has changed, the desert harshness branding us vile. We are still the same, our compensations are real and our lives are special. We have but to grasp the gifts born of our sufferings.
When I look around me at all the mundane lives, there are times I am glad I was born transsexual. I would never have been what I am without that curse. I cannot help but be grateful for my uniqueness, so I am brought to a strange revelation. Deep down, I cherish having been born a transsexual. Be a unicorn with me, and cherish it!
Sakura The Cutie January 16th, 2010 6:49 pm MSTHey everyone, I was just wondering if any of my gurl friends play the computer game, Second Life. I used to play it a long time ago but I was wondering if any of new friends play it. If you don't and are curious about it, its a free game you just download. www.secondlife.com
if you do play, just email or chat to me ^_^
XXXSakuraXXX
Sakura The Cutie January 15th, 2010 11:48 am MSTHey everyone, I think I already made a journal entry about it, but I had a great awesome chance to dress but just had the feeling of ugh, I dont want to dress. I know lots of crossdressers have periods were they don't want to dress, but still I never ever get the chance to dress, this is a great opportunity for me.
I had a fantastic Christmas and hope that you did as well. It was made all the better by a blizzard the weekend before Xmas when we got 26 inches of snow. It was the very light fluffy kind, no good for snowball making but that was okay with me! It reminded me of living in northern Maine! AYUH!!
I have changed a number of my secondary pics. They are not in chronologically in order since I do not want to bother deleting and rearranging them. I will mention them below.
1.(Main Picture) This was taken at 1st Event in Peabody, Massachusetts. Why am I sitting under a plant on the floor you may ask? Maybe I was potted, or is that plastered?
2.I am lounging on a hot summer day beside the Erie Canal in Seneca Falls, New York.
3.Here I am eating “lobsta” at Markey’s Lobster Shack in Seabrook, New Hampshire. YUM YUM!
4.“President Karen Reeves” is issuing executive orders at Theodore Roosevelt Inaugural National Historic Site in Buffalo, New York. This idea should scare the hell out of you!
5.I am standing on the Boardwalk beside Brandywine Falls in Cuyahoga Valley National Park in Ohio. The day was brutally ~HOT~ and the shade was nice!!!
6.Here I am eating, still again, at the Riverton Country Fair in Barkhamsted, Connecticut. You can leave it to your imagination if you think I am sucking on something instead of eating!
7.Here I am showing the latest design in luxurious living at Rocky Neck State Park in Niantic, Connecticut. Hummm, or is this government housing?
8.Here I am at the tail end of the blizzard of December 2009 in downtown Westerly, Rhode Island. It is FREEZING & WINDY! Take the stupid picture NOW!!!
9.Karen is standing beside the entrance shack to Pocono Downs NASCAR Raceway in Pocono Downs, Pennsylvania. Yes, I love NASCAR!
10.I’m ready to go to bed at SCC in Atlanta, Georgia. Are you interested guys and/or girls???
I wish all of you a peaceful & awesome 2010!!! Please stay in touch!
The amazing woman that named me and did my first transformation, has recently passed away. She was a wonder and well known to a large number of people in the trans community in England. Many of the pictures of me that you see are the product of her hand. I will miss her and hope that if you are in London any time soon and want a transformation, you will go and support the company she began years ago.
Conservative men in conservative dresses Atlantic Monthly Amy Bloom (Edited) The world of cross-dressers is for the most part a world of traditional men, traditional marriages, and truths turned inside out. Heterosexual cross-dressers bother almost everyone. Gay people regard them with disdain or affectionate incomprehension, something warmer than tolerance but not much. Transsexuals regard them as men "settling" for cross-dressing because they don't have the courage to act on their transsexual longing, or else as closeted and so homophobic that they prefer wearing a dress to facing their desire for another man. Other straight men tend to find them funny or sad, and some find them enraging. The only people on whose kindness and sympathy cross dressers can rely, are women: their wives and, even more dependably, their hairdressers, their salespeople, their photographers and makeup artists, their electrolysists, their therapists, and their friends. Drag queens make sense to most of us. They represent congruence of sexual orientation, appearance, and temperament-feminine gay men dressing as women for a career, like RuPaul, or, less lucratively, for prostitution, or to express their sense of theater and femininity. (Barney Frank as a drag queen makes no more sense, intuitively, than Dick Cheney as one.) Actors whose most famous performance is as a female-from Barry Humphries, with his brilliant and textured Dame Edna, to Flip Wilson, with his one-note gag of Geraldine-don't puzzle us. Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire and the boys in Some Like It Hot don't puzzle us; they're just men doing what they have to do to survive, learning a nice lesson about the travails of womanhood, and giving one on the benign uses of masculine self-esteem. Even the cross-dressing women of history, women from many countries and every century since the ancient Greeks-from Joan of Arc to Pope Joan to America's jazz-playing Billy Tipton, to Disney's adorable Mulan-don't puzzle us, they chose to live as men because they couldn't otherwise have the lives they wanted. Heterosexual cross-dressers-straight men who have not only a wish but a need to wear women's clothes and accessories-manage to be marginal among heterosexual men, marginal among other men who wear women's clothes, marginal in the community of sexual minorities, and completely acceptable only to fetishists, who take anyone who claims to belong. Gay men do not say, "Oh, you're a straight man who likes to wear a dress? Welcome aboard" Straight men do not say, "Well, except for the dress thing, you're just like me. Howdy, partner" Even in Provincetown, Massachusetts, where cross-dressers hold their annual fall Fantasia Fair, few of the residents, gay or straight, seem to recognize these men as people with whom they have a lot in common. Many heterosexual cross-dressers never come out of the closet, not even to their wives. Others tell their wives after ten or twenty or thirty years of marriage, sometimes because they've been caught wearing their wives' clothes, sometimes because the clothes have been discovered. the revelation that a man himself is the "other woman" is a staple of cross dresser histories.) Heterosexual cross-dressers often spend their whole adult lives ordering size 20 cocktail dresses from catalogues and dressing in secret, with only the mirror for company. But lots of these men, driven by loneliness, by unmet narcissistic needs (all dressed up and nowhere to go), by risk-taking impulses (it's not hard to grasp that a forty-five-year-old 240-pound former Marine strolling through the Mall of America in full drag is consciously courting risk), want to cross-dress outside their bedrooms. Engineers, accountants, truck drivers and computer programmers, disproportionately represented among the retired military, predominately Christian and conservative (far more moderate Republicans than liberal Democrats), these men go to get-togethers in Kansas City, in Pittsburgh, in Seattle, all over America. They make forays into malls in pairs, and they go to tolerant gay bars in small groups. They browse in the Belladonna Plus Size Shop of Beverly, Massachusetts, and they hang out at Cross/Cross Consultants, of Houston, which offers special package rates for shopping, a makeover, and dinner at a restaurant; To weekly or monthly meetings, of six or ten or twenty guys, in Nashua, New Hampshire, and Trenton, New Jersey, in Springfield, Missouri, and Water Mill, New York, and throughout the Bible Belt. Arizona has enough cross-dressers to support chapters in both Phoenix and Tucson. A man who cross dresses and needs to be seen can go to conferences like Fantasia Fair and Fall Harvest, or take trips on any number of cruise lines that happily host groups of cross-dressers and their spouses amid a thousand other guests sailing to Catalina and other destinations. Sometimes the wives wish to come, to support their husbands and to enjoy the trip, or to hang out with other wives, like golf widows or wives in Al-Anon. Some come because their husbands need them to. "I don't mind, but really, if he could learn to do his makeup properly and fasten his own bra, I'd rather stay home" one woman told me who later called to say that she had bought her husband a video guide to makeup for men and a magnifying mirror, and said she was resigning as his dresser. "He can ask one of the other guys to hook his bra,' Happy wives are everyone's favorites, enthusiastic or grimly accepting, at these functions they are simultaneously objects of much public appreciation and utterly secondary to the men's business. Reliable statistics about the number of heterosexual cross-dressers don't seem to exist In the fall of 2000 I spent several weeks trying to pin down that number. I checked with Jane Ellen and Frances Fairfax, of Tri-Eess, the Society for the Second Self, "an international support and social organization for Heterosexual Cross dressers, their spouses, partners, children and friends" "Maybe three or four million" Jane Ellen hazarded. "Maybe somewhere between three and five percent of the adult [male] population. People who claim it's more- I think that's just, you know, a minority wanting to be bigger than it is. And people who say more like one or two percent-I think those are the ones who are ashamed." When I asked Ray Blanchard (head of clinical sexology services at Canada's Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) for an estimate, he agreed that three to five percent sounded about right. There are really only two points of agreement between Blanchard and the Fairfaxes: that no one knows how many heterosexual cross-dressers there are, and that all these men in dresses who assert that they are straight, sometimes to the point of annoyance, are straight. Tri-Ess was founded in 1976, as a melding of several cross-dressing groups, including the historic Hose and Heels Club, which began meeting in Califonia, in 1961, and which is to many cross-dressers what Stonewall is to gay men: the beginning of the end of shame (although not, for the cross-dressers, the end of fiercely preserved anonymity). Jane Ellen is a man with a mission: to save cross dressers from their worst selves and to preserve their marriages. A central tenet of TriEss is that cross-dressing is a gift-that wearing women's clothes is both relaxing and expressive of a feminine self that is nurturing and gentle-and that it can enhance any marriage if the wife is wise enough to appreciate it and strong enough to corral what can be, as Jane Ellen admits, a narcissistic, self-indulgent habit. In the words of "Do You Know Someone Who Is a Cross dresser?" Most [cross-dressers] are ordinary men who have discovered a feminine aspect to their personalities, and desire to transcend the narrow stereotypes mandated by conventional society. Happy in their masculinity, they have simply discovered a feminine gender " gift" and decided to explore it ... There is within each man a set of personality potentials that are part of his birthright, but that society labels as "feminine" and says he should suppress. Cross dressers have made contact with these potentials and found their _expression fulfilling. Integrating these into their whole personalities, cross dressers are able to smooth off some of the macho rough edges programmed by their upbringing. The result is a healthier whole person. Once a wife or partner realizes her mate isn't leaving her for another man or for a new life as a woman, or taking risks that could destroy their financial and family life, the two of them can seek a balanced solution ... Many of the traits that attracted her in the first place-sensitivity, kindness, appreciation of beauty, etc.-can now be seen as belonging to that "woman within" Cross-dressing is an attempt to resolve an internal conflict, and it's not about fabric. If we had clothing for men and women that was identical in every way except men wore shirts with four buttons and women had shirts with five, cross-dressers would want more than anything to have the shirt with five. We don't know why". Our categories and descriptions are so narrow and self-protective that we don't have words for the drive to cross dress, we don't have any language to describe the mixture of attraction and envy that often leads these men to have sex with women while thinking of themselves as male lesbians. What is a Cross dresser? An individual, usually heterosexual, who desires and needs to dress in the clothing of the opposite sex at different times throughout his or her life. This compulsive behavior generally starts young and the individual struggles alone for many years with this closeted need. Cross dressing is not a sickness, but represents a person who enjoys expressing another aspect of his personality and gains both emotional and physical pleasure from this transition. It is not a hobby, but a necessity and Cross dressing is for life. Cross-dressing is a compulsion, but we must not see it as a sickness. A good wife should tolerate it because the man has no choice, but it isn't too hard to tolerate because it's a gift. It is about fun and pleasure-and it's a necessity. The necessity of cross-dressing is frightening to the men and to their wives, and their wish to tame it, to characterize it as a preference and a gift, is understandable. I come to see why so many women find themselves sympathetic to cross-dressers: women are raised to be sympathetic, and protective toward the vulnerable, and there is something sweet, unexpected, and powerful about being a woman and sympathize with a man not because he demands it but because you genuinely feel sorry for him, for his debilitating envy and his fear of discovery and his sense of powerlessness to live as he wants. One evening Peggy Rudd, writer of “My Husband Wears My Clothes" says, with a slightly pursed expression, "My next book is on joy: the difference between the level of joy that cross-dressers experience"-she holds her hand up over her head-"and the level of joy that their wives experience" Her hand drops to her waist. The cross dressers around us say nothing. They nod, sympathizing with the poor wives left behind and trying not to show how much better a time they are having. I think of the twinkle in Mel's eyes and the fact that nothing like a twinkle ever appears in Peggy's. It must be psychologically exhausting for her to turn this pain into a shared hobby, his compulsion into entertainment, his need into an occasion for celebration, and I still prefer his company.
I would like to send a Heart Felt Thank You to all the People I've met here.Even thou it is only via E-mail(Kellie,Janice Marie,Bobbie)and those I forgot to mention.
I will reach out to everyone even if is only to say "Hi".I'm shy by nature so it is somewhat of a challenge to approach people I don't know.
But I have to ask a question(rofl)I was just wondering,Do any of you Ladies ever answer those guys I see on comment sections leaving their phone numbers?I am just wondering,WTF is up with that?
Anyway,
Have a Wonderfull upcoming week(even if you are a yankees fan)
I just love the fall, with the seasonal changes going full tilt! Nothing like taking a walk on a sunny, blustery day, with my skirt swishing in the breeze and my heels clicking on the pavement!
This journal enty is the first since all my computer problems, and the problems URNA had with the old format for their site. It seems that everything is working as it should be.
The neighbors who moved in the apartment below mine have come and gone in the past year. They were almost as bad as the two guys living there before. I had to put up with hearing two dogs barking at everything as well as their owners yelling at them. I actually had more peace and quiet when I was at work than I did at home. I now have another set of new neighbors who moved in downstairs. These seem to be a little better than the last, so I'll wait and see if they become loud and obnoxious like the last.
My computer seems to be running as it did before. I have upgraded it's RAM memory to 2.4Gigs. I was never able to recover the pictures I lost, but luckily I have most of them posted on my websites and in my Flickr account. I have been dressing more lately and even bought some new clothes from Victoria's Secret. I also have an even bigger "E" cup version of my Cleavage Croptop. Check out my Newest Pics gallery to view pics of them. My profile pic shows my "E" cup "girls". The Yellow dress pics are of my "D" cup "girls".
I did attend my first convention in nearly 9 years back in June this year. It was wonderful seeing my friends from years past, as well as meeting new girls who have only seen me via the Net. I also was reinstated as a member of Vanity Club, and I thank all those ladies who helped me back into the group. I love you girls!
I hope the next several months ahead will be enjoyable with the holidays soon upon us. Take care and I hope to be around more often. *Hugs*
Yesterday, my gf thought it would be fun to paint my toe nails, and I just said ok. She used a purple color thats a little shiny. I feel so pretty now ^_^
I don't normally write journal entries. I'm at a serious crossroads in my life. I'm seriously planning to transition much further. Breast augmentation, FFS, hormones, etc. I want to go to everything but SRS.
I spend all the time dreaming of transitioning further. A couple of major events in my life have changed allowing to me to do this now. I have had a very sucessful career as a man, but at a stage I am wanting to start over as a woman, even if it means giving up quite a bit.
Although I've dressed and wanted to be a girl since age 5 like the rest of us. I don't have this awful feeling as a woman trapped in a man's body. I want to become a "woman" to feel the sexual attraction of men wanting a girl. Yes, I know the term autogynophilia.
Is it wrong to want to transition because that is what drives me? Many seem to say Shemale is a derogatory word maybe because of the sex industry. For me, that is my desire (fetish?). I want to be one of those TS girls advertising her services.
Am I too old? I am concerned I won't look realistic / passable enough and should stayed in a mans body and dressed as a girl sometimes but not as seriously.
If I do breast augmentation, FFS, hormones, is it just the logical progression to SRS? Am I kidding myself I could/should go that far but not fully?
I realize I am being blunt and direct. I know a lot of girls have discussed these same things internally.
I would really advice from girls who have asked themselves these questions and have lived it.
Hi everyone! first off all I love the website :) A big thank you goes to the admins for doing such a great site for all of us girls! :)
I want to announce that "The Secret Dolls" an all original TS rock band is searching for hot talented musicians for recording, touring and lots more! If you think you have what it takes please contact me directly and please send a head shot photo and a resume with your musical background and experience. Currently we are searching for a Drummer and Bass player.. YOU MUST HAVE GREAT STAGE PRESENCE and ROCK STAR SKILLS! We are very serious about this project and are demanding the best. We are currently holding auditions in San Diego, Cleveland, NYC, and Los Angeles. If you have experience, talent, and have good sex appeal please contact us ASAP as we are planning to start rehearsing in the next couple months. We currently have shows booked and would like to start touring as soon as possible.
You can view the bands website at http://thesecretdolls.com and email us at: contact@thesecretdolls.com
Thank you for taking the time to read my Journal posting and if you know of any others HOT TS talented musicians please forward this information to them.
Thank you,
Tawni Summer "The Secret Dolls" www.thesecretdolls.com
I had a request to post this in my journal. I wrote this back in March when I first came out to my wife...
I am writing this story because I want a new start with my wife fully involved in ever aspect of my life, including my dressing.I don't want to hide anything from her anymore.No more lies.No more hiding.No more infidelity.No more shame.From now on everything is going to be different.
I met my wife Christy when she was 15.I was a couple of years older.From the first minute I saw her I loved her.It was absolutely love at first sight.We have known each other for 25 years now and have been married for 23.We have a wonderful family together.She is my wife, my lover and my best friend and I want her to be so for the rest of my life.I truly cannot live without her.
The fact that I love her so much and need her so badly has been a true blessing and also a tremendous burden.It was a burden because I had so many secrets that I wanted to share with her but couldn't because I was so afraid I would lose her.I knew that I could never replace her and my life would end if she left me.I’ve wanted to tell her about this for years but couldn’t.Which day is the best day to drive a dagger through the heart of the one you love?
I've been dressing off and on since I was about 12.Initially it was only pantyhose.As I got older it became panties, bras, lingerie, etc.Whenever I had the opportunity, I would run out and buy something, wear it once, then toss it.For years I felt that I was bad, sick, perverted, a sinner, etc.I didn’t know why I was like this and I did everything I could to stop but it wouldn’t go away.I thought about dressing all the time.That happened off and on until about a year and a half ago.I started traveling regularly on business to Austin, Houston and San Antonio so the opportunities to dress increased.I didn't dress every time I went out of town but it grew more and more frequent as time went on.
I started off buying really slutty lingerie.I would wear it once and throw it out.I wouldn’t dress for a while then I’d go out and buy something else and throw it away.I think this is a binging and purging process like a lot of alcoholics or people with eating disorders go through.You fight the need, then you give in, then you binge, then you feel shame, then you purge, then you fight the need, then the processes starts over again.
Eventually, I even started to question my own sexuality.At one point I thought that I might be gay.I even had a sexual encounter with a man.I found out that I did enjoy some aspects of it.I liked being fem.I enjoyed being the submissive one in the relationship, being slightly dominated, etc.But I realized that I didn’t find him (or any other man for that matter) attractive...at least I don’t really prefer men sexually.Now I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I find some men are very good looking or that a guy with a really nice body isn’t hot.I didn’t want to be with a man but I wanted to be the woman.I know it sounds a little confusing and I guess it is.I absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn’t have an emotional relationship with a man.I’m not sure but I think I’m a lesbian.J
About a year and a half ago my wife asked me if I was having sex with someone else.I said yes.I told her that I had a sexual encounter with a man.I explained that it was because I had the desire to express my female side and be the submissive in the relationship.I also told her about my crossdressing from the time I was about 12.I didn't get into any details at the time.Just the infidelity, the fact it was with a man and that I had crossdressed in the past was a lot to handle.
As you can imagine she didn’t take it very well at first.I certainly don't blame her.At that point I was sure I was going to lose her.It took a lot of work and talking but we worked it out.She said she did understand that I was different and that was one of the reasons she had married me.
After the encounter with the guy my dressing continued to progress.I didn’t know where it was going.There was no plan.But it just kept growing and growing.
IMPORTANT NOTE:I really made a major mistake at this point that I’m not proud of.I didn’t continue the openly communicate with my wife.If at this point if I would have taken the opportunity to be totally honest with her and share all my thoughts and desires things would have been a lot better and easier.It wasn’t intentional but I wove a very tangled web that continued to get more and more elaborate.One important word of advice that I can give to anyone out there is if a door opens to be honest with your spouse about your dressing take advantage of it.
Everything changed when I bought my first pair of high heels.They were kinda expensive and I knew I couldn’t afford to just throw them out like I had the cheap lingerie.So I had to find some place to keep them.At that point I started “collecting” stuff.Once I started keeping my heels, lingerie, etc.It opened me up to building my new persona as a female.I slowly added to my collection.I eventually bought a wig and then some makeup.Buying the makeup was the hardest thing I had ever done.It is amazing how little guys know about makeup…what you need and how to apply it, etc.
When I put my wig and makeup on for the first time I was amazed.It didn’t even look like me.I didn’t look like a man in a pair of panties, I looked like a woman.A rush of emotion poured over me.I felt like a woman.My mannerisms and everything changed.It was totally different.That process or transformation really hit me.I know you girls know what I’m talking about but I just want to express my thoughts so those that are trying to find their way might benefit from it.
Eventually, dressing in full makeup and wigs and stuff made me have a strong desire to go out in public dressed.This was something that was always private.I hadn’t shared it with anyone.I now realized that I wanted to stop hiding it.
It was really scary and probably never would have ventured out by myself. I found a really sweet girl from San Antonio that agreed to take me out to some clubs if I was in town. I called her one night.She wasn't dressed but agreed to go out with me anyway...in guy mode.I got dressed in my panties and bra and she came over and helped me touch up my makeup...picked out some clothes, etc.
I was really worried about walking out of the hotel dressed. But she helped me tremendously. We got on the elevator, she gave me some words of encouragement. ..just be confident... just be yourself...you'll be fine, etc.I strolled out of the hotel like I was a movie star.I got a few looks and even some nice smiles but didn't get the impression that anyone was "freaked out" by me.
We got in the car and drove to a gay dance club in San Antonio that does drag shows and stuff.It was definitely a crowd that wouldn't be surprised to see me.We got a drink, sat and watched the drag shows and danced for a little while.It was very thrilling and I felt so free.Free of the burden of keeping this side of me private and to myself.I wasn't looking to "hook-up" with anyone that night. It wasn't about sex or anything.Just about enjoying the evening and expressing my fem side.She constantly coached me on what to do and how to act…how to sit, how to walk, etc.There was a lot to learn.
That experience really was a major event for me.I started to reach out to others that were like me and started getting to know some really incredible people.I made friends and went out in San Antonio, Austin and of course Houston where I had a chance to meet a number of you.I have come to realize that I’m not alone out there.There are many, many people just like me that are facing the same challenges.
Some of you have been incredibly helpful in my life and have given good advice that led me to a difficult, but proper decision.I had to come totally clean with my wife.Almost everyone gave me one word of warning.DO NOT OVERWHELM HER WITH TOO, MUCH TOO QUICK.The advice was to take it very slow, let her steer the ship, ask the questions, etc.
SL avatar
Sakura The Cutie January 21st, 2010 6:29 pm MST[2 comments]
Reasons To Cherish Being Transsexual
Janice Marie January 21st, 2010 9:42 am MSTSent to me by a friend. all I could say was Wow and realized that I wanted to share this! Hugs Janice Reasons To Cherish Being Transsexual I stole the original of this from someone else. I did a bit of editing to make it flow a little better, and make it fit my thoughts exactly. Reasons To Cherish Being Transsexual Because being transsexual is often so hurtful, so filled with sadness and longing, with shame and loss and difficulty, it is easy to come to the conclusion that the whole thing is a total curse, perhaps inflicted by evil ancient gods. Oh, probably. But there is an upside also. Most human lives are utterly mundane, devoid of any real uniqueness, the average person sleep walks through an existence devoted to filling the roles expected of them. But to be a transsexual is a magical, wondrous thing. Consider. We are given many gifts in compensation for the terrible loss of our childhood as ourselves, and for the pain we endure. We are by some as yet unknown mechanism statistically far more intelligent, as a class, than perhaps any other kind of people. We are almost universally more creative, and we often possess incredible levels of courage and self determination, demonstrated by our very survival, and ultimate attainment of our goal. We are as rare as miracles, and in our own way, as magical, or so has been the belief of all the ancient cultures on earth. We are given awareness that others would never experience, understanding of gender, of the human condition, of society and the roles and hidden rules unquestioned within it. We are given a window into the lives of both sexes, and cannot help but be, to some degree, beyond either. From this we have a rare opportunity, to choose our own life, outside predetermined and unquestioned definition or role. We can do new things, original things, only because our experience is so unique. We get to be true shape shifters, and experience the sheer wonder of a real rebirth into the world. Our brains and bodies gain benefit from having been bathed in and altered by the hormones of both sexes. We appear to retain our visible youthfulness for years longer, where others wrinkle. We possess neural advantages from both sexes, such as the language advantages of the feminized brain, and the spatial abilities of the masculinized brain both. We are shocked into waking up, if we allow it, to a life we create for ourselves...we are not automatically doomed to sleepwalk through life. After our transformations. After the full-moon lycanthropic miracle that the modern age affords us, we can live lives of success and love, and a genuine specialness, if we choose. If we can get past our upbringing, past the programming, the bigotry, the messages of disgust from the culture around us, if we can stand as ourselves in freedom, then our special gifts grant us a heritage of wondrous power. We have a proud and marvelous history, in ancient times we were magic incarnate. We were Nadler, Winkte, Two-Souls, Shaman and healers and magical beings to our communities. We possessed the ability to give the blessings of the gods and spirits, and were prized as companions, lovers, and teachers. We were the prize gift of ancient tribes, entertainers, designers and dreamers. Sometimes we were the (somewhat reluctant) rulers of empires, and the consorts of emperors. We were champions and warriors too, who were feared, for our unique gifts turned to inevitable victory. Know, that it is only in recent centuries, with the rise of the single minded, monolithic and monotheistic desert religions, filled with harsh single gods and twisted, narrow morals, that our kind have become reviled, the objects of scorn. Once, we were the kin of the gods. To be transsexual is not easy, and it is not a birth that could ever be envied, but neither is it a damnation. It was once considered a rare wonder, if a mixed one; a fairy gift that cuts as it blesses. And in the modern age, of hormones and surgery, we are the first generations of our kind to finally know the joy of complete transformation, of truly gaining our rightful bodies. No other transsexuals in history have been so fortunate. I say that we are unicorns, rare and wondrous, with still a touch of ancient magic and the kinship of the gods. Though it is agony beyond the fire, we have the opportunity to become alchemic gold. We have much to add to the world, and to give to ourselves and those who love us. We have always been, we are still the prize of the tribe. Only the world around us has changed, the desert harshness branding us vile. We are still the same, our compensations are real and our lives are special. We have but to grasp the gifts born of our sufferings. When I look around me at all the mundane lives, there are times I am glad I was born transsexual. I would never have been what I am without that curse. I cannot help but be grateful for my uniqueness, so I am brought to a strange revelation. Deep down, I cherish having been born a transsexual. Be a unicorn with me, and cherish it![Comment on this post]
Second Life
Sakura The Cutie January 16th, 2010 6:49 pm MSTHey everyone, I was just wondering if any of my gurl friends play the computer game, Second Life. I used to play it a long time ago but I was wondering if any of new friends play it. If you don't and are curious about it, its a free game you just download. www.secondlife.com if you do play, just email or chat to me ^_^ XXXSakuraXXX[1 comment]
dressing
Sakura The Cutie January 15th, 2010 11:48 am MSTHey everyone, I think I already made a journal entry about it, but I had a great awesome chance to dress but just had the feeling of ugh, I dont want to dress. I know lots of crossdressers have periods were they don't want to dress, but still I never ever get the chance to dress, this is a great opportunity for me.[Comment on this post]
Photoshop
Sakura The Cutie January 5th, 2010 10:17 pm MSTHad some fun with photoshop today, I download a free trial. I never used the program before so I was just messing with it. Tell me what ya think of it
This is the original picture: http://www.cosplay.com/photo/275473/ (credit goes to this)
[3 comments]
Happy New Year 2010 To All Of You!
Karen Reeves December 27th, 2009 1:32 am MSTHappy New Year 2010!
Hi Everyone !
I had a fantastic Christmas and hope that you did as well. It was made all the better by a blizzard the weekend before Xmas when we got 26 inches of snow. It was the very light fluffy kind, no good for snowball making but that was okay with me! It reminded me of living in northern Maine! AYUH!!
I have changed a number of my secondary pics. They are not in chronologically in order since I do not want to bother deleting and rearranging them. I will mention them below.
1. (Main Picture) This was taken at 1st Event in Peabody, Massachusetts. Why am I sitting under a plant on the floor you may ask? Maybe I was potted, or is that plastered?
2. I am lounging on a hot summer day beside the Erie Canal in Seneca Falls, New York.
3. Here I am eating “lobsta” at Markey’s Lobster Shack in Seabrook, New Hampshire. YUM YUM!
4. “President Karen Reeves” is issuing executive orders at Theodore Roosevelt Inaugural National Historic Site in Buffalo, New York. This idea should scare the hell out of you!
5. I am standing on the Boardwalk beside Brandywine Falls in Cuyahoga Valley National Park in Ohio. The day was brutally ~HOT~ and the shade was nice!!!
6. Here I am eating, still again, at the Riverton Country Fair in Barkhamsted, Connecticut. You can leave it to your imagination if you think I am sucking on something instead of eating
!
7. Here I am showing the latest design in luxurious living at Rocky Neck State Park in Niantic, Connecticut. Hummm, or is this government housing?
8. Here I am at the tail end of the blizzard of December 2009 in downtown Westerly, Rhode Island. It is FREEZING & WINDY! Take the stupid picture NOW!!!
9. Karen is standing beside the entrance shack to Pocono Downs NASCAR Raceway in Pocono Downs, Pennsylvania. Yes, I love NASCAR!
10. I’m ready to go to bed at SCC in Atlanta, Georgia. Are you interested guys and/or girls???
I wish all of you a peaceful & awesome 2010!!! Please stay in touch!
*Kisses*
~Karen~
[1 comment]
Just Being Yourself...
Kelliecdgurl December 19th, 2009 11:50 am MSTI have been going out over 20 years independantly....In all the times I have been
out I have ran into ex-drags that have encourge myself to be myself.......
Have met lovers over the years and, friends........
Sure would like to be a Transgender girl to go out everyday be the girl I like to
be.....But being in the work I have in Sociality has its limitations that have
prevented me to be that ideal girl.......
In the years I have been out I recently came across something bland new in
makeups......It's called Airbrush Makeups....I have seen the results on this
new kind of makeups and, believe me if we girls could get our hands on these
kinds of makeups it would surely make our times much better and, get great
results......I have been experiencing different kinds of makeups over the years
since I have been out...I can manage to have no wiskers on my face up to
8-12 hours at all the hours, I spend out being the girl I like to be.....
I'm very happy I have been a member of this group of girls that I have been
a member of that has met some of the better girls and, like to get to know
more too.....
Happy Holidays!!
[1 comment]
Pandora de Pledge
Victoria Vaughn December 11th, 2009 1:06 am MSTThe amazing woman that named me and did my first transformation, has recently passed away. She was a wonder and well known to a large number of people in the trans community in England. Many of the pictures of me that you see are the product of her hand. I will miss her and hope that if you are in London any time soon and want a transformation, you will go and support the company she began years ago.
http://www.pandoradepledge.com/index.htm
Rest in peace Pandora. You will be missed.
V
[2 comments]
Conservative men in conservative dresses
Victoria Vaughn December 7th, 2009 12:11 am MSTConservative men in conservative dresses
Atlantic Monthly
Amy Bloom
(Edited)
The world of cross-dressers is for the most part a world of traditional men, traditional marriages, and truths turned inside out.
Heterosexual cross-dressers bother almost everyone. Gay people regard them with disdain or affectionate incomprehension, something warmer than tolerance but not much. Transsexuals regard them as men "settling" for cross-dressing because they don't have the courage to act on their transsexual longing, or else as closeted and so homophobic that they prefer wearing a dress to facing their desire for another man. Other straight men tend to find them funny or sad, and some find them enraging. The only people on whose kindness and sympathy cross dressers can rely, are women: their wives and, even more dependably, their hairdressers, their salespeople, their photographers and makeup artists, their electrolysists, their therapists, and their friends.
Drag queens make sense to most of us. They represent congruence of sexual orientation, appearance, and temperament-feminine gay men dressing as women for a career, like RuPaul, or, less lucratively, for prostitution, or to express their sense of theater and femininity. (Barney Frank as a drag queen makes no more sense, intuitively, than Dick Cheney as one.) Actors whose most famous performance is as a female-from Barry Humphries, with his brilliant and textured Dame Edna, to Flip Wilson, with his one-note gag of Geraldine-don't puzzle us. Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire and the boys in Some Like It Hot don't puzzle us; they're just men doing what they have to do to survive, learning a nice lesson about the travails of womanhood, and giving one on the benign uses of masculine self-esteem. Even the cross-dressing women of history, women from many countries and every century since the ancient Greeks-from Joan of Arc to Pope Joan to America's jazz-playing Billy Tipton, to Disney's adorable Mulan-don't puzzle us, they chose to live as men because they couldn't otherwise have the lives they wanted.
Heterosexual cross-dressers-straight men who have not only a wish but a need to wear women's clothes and accessories-manage to be marginal among heterosexual men, marginal among other men who wear women's clothes, marginal in the community of sexual minorities, and completely acceptable only to fetishists, who take anyone who claims to belong. Gay men do not say, "Oh, you're a straight man who likes to wear a dress? Welcome aboard" Straight men do not say, "Well, except for the dress thing, you're just like me. Howdy, partner" Even in Provincetown, Massachusetts, where cross-dressers hold their annual fall Fantasia Fair, few of the residents, gay or straight, seem to recognize these men as people with whom they have a lot in common.
Many heterosexual cross-dressers never come out of the closet, not even to their wives. Others tell their wives after ten or twenty or thirty years of marriage, sometimes because they've been caught wearing their wives' clothes, sometimes because the clothes have been discovered. the revelation that a man himself is the "other woman" is a staple of cross dresser histories.) Heterosexual cross-dressers often spend their whole adult lives ordering size 20 cocktail dresses from catalogues and dressing in secret, with only the mirror for company. But lots of these men, driven by loneliness, by unmet narcissistic needs (all dressed up and nowhere to go), by risk-taking impulses (it's not hard to grasp that a forty-five-year-old 240-pound former Marine strolling through the Mall of America in full drag is consciously courting risk), want to cross-dress outside their bedrooms. Engineers, accountants, truck drivers and computer programmers, disproportionately represented among the retired military, predominately Christian and conservative (far more moderate Republicans than liberal Democrats), these men go to get-togethers in Kansas City, in Pittsburgh, in Seattle, all over America. They make forays into malls in pairs, and they go to tolerant gay bars in small groups. They browse in the Belladonna Plus Size Shop of Beverly, Massachusetts, and they hang out at Cross/Cross Consultants, of Houston, which offers special package rates for shopping, a makeover, and dinner at a restaurant; To weekly or monthly meetings, of six or ten or twenty guys, in Nashua, New Hampshire, and Trenton, New Jersey, in Springfield, Missouri, and Water Mill, New York, and throughout the Bible Belt. Arizona has enough cross-dressers to support chapters in both Phoenix and Tucson. A man who cross dresses and needs to be seen can go to conferences like Fantasia Fair and Fall Harvest, or take trips on any number of cruise lines that happily host groups of cross-dressers and their spouses amid a thousand other guests sailing to Catalina and other destinations.
Sometimes the wives wish to come, to support their husbands and to enjoy the trip, or to hang out with other wives, like golf widows or wives in Al-Anon. Some come because their husbands need them to. "I don't mind, but really, if he could learn to do his makeup properly and fasten his own bra, I'd rather stay home" one woman told me who later called to say that she had bought her husband a video guide to makeup for men and a magnifying mirror, and said she was resigning as his dresser. "He can ask one of the other guys to hook his bra,' Happy wives are everyone's favorites, enthusiastic or grimly accepting, at these functions they are simultaneously objects of much public appreciation and utterly secondary to the men's business.
Reliable statistics about the number of heterosexual cross-dressers don't seem
to exist In the fall of 2000 I spent several weeks trying to pin down that number. I checked with Jane Ellen and Frances Fairfax, of Tri-Eess, the Society for the Second Self, "an international support and social organization for Heterosexual Cross dressers, their spouses, partners, children and friends" "Maybe three or four million" Jane Ellen hazarded. "Maybe somewhere between three and five percent of the adult [male] population. People who claim it's more- I think that's just, you know, a minority wanting to be bigger than it is. And people who say more like one or two percent-I think those are the ones who are ashamed." When I asked Ray Blanchard (head of clinical sexology services at Canada's Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) for an estimate, he agreed that three to five percent sounded about right. There are really only two points of agreement between Blanchard and the Fairfaxes: that no one knows how many heterosexual cross-dressers there are, and that all these men in dresses who assert that they are straight, sometimes to the point of annoyance, are straight.
Tri-Ess was founded in 1976, as a melding of several cross-dressing groups, including the historic Hose and Heels Club, which began meeting in Califonia, in 1961, and which is to many cross-dressers what Stonewall is to gay men: the beginning of the end of shame (although not, for the cross-dressers, the end of fiercely preserved anonymity).
Jane Ellen is a man with a mission: to save cross dressers from their worst selves and to preserve their marriages. A central tenet of TriEss is that cross-dressing is a gift-that wearing women's clothes is both relaxing and expressive of a feminine self that is nurturing and gentle-and that it can enhance any marriage if the wife is wise enough to appreciate it and strong enough to corral what can be, as Jane Ellen admits, a narcissistic, self-indulgent habit. In the words of "Do You Know Someone Who Is a Cross dresser?"
Most [cross-dressers] are ordinary men who have discovered a feminine aspect to their personalities, and desire to transcend the narrow stereotypes mandated by conventional society. Happy in their masculinity, they have simply discovered a feminine gender " gift" and decided to explore it ... There is within each man a set of personality potentials that are part of his birthright, but that society labels as "feminine" and says he should suppress. Cross dressers have made contact with these potentials and found their _expression fulfilling. Integrating these into their whole personalities, cross dressers are able to smooth off some of the macho rough edges programmed by their upbringing. The result is a healthier whole person.
Once a wife or partner realizes her mate isn't leaving her for another man or for a new life as a woman, or taking risks that could destroy their financial and family life, the two of them can seek a balanced solution ... Many of the traits that attracted her in the first place-sensitivity, kindness, appreciation of beauty, etc.-can now be seen as belonging to that "woman within"
Cross-dressing is an attempt to resolve an internal conflict, and it's not about fabric. If we had clothing for men and women that was identical in every way except men wore shirts with four buttons and women had shirts with five, cross-dressers would want more than anything to have the shirt with five. We don't know why". Our categories and descriptions are so narrow and self-protective that we don't have words for the drive to cross dress, we don't have any language to describe the mixture of attraction and envy that often leads these men to have sex with women while thinking of themselves as male lesbians.
What is a Cross dresser?
An individual, usually heterosexual, who desires and needs to dress in the clothing of the opposite sex at different times throughout his or her life. This compulsive behavior generally starts young and the individual struggles alone for many years with this closeted need. Cross dressing is not a sickness, but represents a person who enjoys expressing another aspect of his personality and gains both emotional and physical pleasure from this transition. It is not a hobby, but a necessity and Cross dressing is for life. Cross-dressing is a compulsion, but we must not see it as a sickness. A good wife should tolerate it because the man has no choice, but it isn't too hard to tolerate because it's a gift. It is about fun and pleasure-and it's a necessity. The necessity of cross-dressing is frightening to the men and to their wives, and their wish to tame it, to characterize it as a preference and a gift, is understandable. I come to see why so many women find themselves sympathetic to cross-dressers: women are raised to be sympathetic, and protective toward the vulnerable, and there is something sweet, unexpected, and powerful about being a woman and sympathize with a man not because he demands it but because you genuinely feel sorry for him, for his debilitating envy and his fear of discovery and his sense of powerlessness to live as he wants. One evening Peggy Rudd, writer of “My Husband Wears My Clothes" says, with a slightly pursed expression, "My next book is on joy: the difference between the level of joy that cross-dressers experience"-she holds her hand up over her head-"and the level of joy that their wives experience" Her hand drops to her waist. The cross dressers around us say nothing. They nod, sympathizing with the poor wives left behind and trying not to show how much better a time they are having. I think of the twinkle in Mel's eyes and the fact that nothing like a twinkle ever appears in Peggy's. It must be psychologically exhausting for her to turn this pain into a shared hobby, his compulsion into entertainment, his need into an occasion for celebration, and I still prefer his company.
[1 comment]
Keeping in touch
Frank October 26th, 2009 8:48 am MDTGood Morning,
I would like to send a Heart Felt Thank You to all the People I've met here.Even thou it is only via E-mail(Kellie,Janice Marie,Bobbie)and those I forgot to mention.
I will reach out to everyone even if is only to say "Hi".I'm shy by nature so it is somewhat of a challenge to approach people I don't know.
But I have to ask a question(rofl)I was just wondering,Do any of you Ladies ever answer those guys I see on comment sections leaving their phone numbers?I am just wondering,WTF is up with that?
Anyway,
Have a Wonderfull upcoming week(even if you are a yankees fan)
[1 comment]
I love the fall!
Geena Beth White October 25th, 2009 11:10 am MDTI just love the fall, with the seasonal changes going full tilt! Nothing like taking a walk on a sunny, blustery day, with my skirt swishing in the breeze and my heels clicking on the pavement!
[Comment on this post]
Since my last entry....
Linda Lewis October 19th, 2009 4:23 pm MDTThis journal enty is the first since all my computer problems, and the problems URNA had with the old format for their site. It seems that everything is working as it should be.
The neighbors who moved in the apartment below mine have come and gone in the past year. They were almost as bad as the two guys living there before. I had to put up with hearing two dogs barking at everything as well as their owners yelling at them. I actually had more peace and quiet when I was at work than I did at home. I now have another set of new neighbors who moved in downstairs. These seem to be a little better than the last, so I'll wait and see if they become loud and obnoxious like the last.
My computer seems to be running as it did before. I have upgraded it's RAM memory to 2.4Gigs. I was never able to recover the pictures I lost, but luckily I have most of them posted on my websites and in my Flickr account. I have been dressing more lately and even bought some new clothes from Victoria's Secret. I also have an even bigger "E" cup version of my Cleavage Croptop. Check out my Newest Pics gallery to view pics of them. My profile pic shows my "E" cup "girls". The Yellow dress pics are of my "D" cup "girls".
I did attend my first convention in nearly 9 years back in June this year. It was wonderful seeing my friends from years past, as well as meeting new girls who have only seen me via the Net. I also was reinstated as a member of Vanity Club, and I thank all those ladies who helped me back into the group. I love you girls!
I hope the next several months ahead will be enjoyable with the holidays soon upon us. Take care and I hope to be around more often. *Hugs*
[Comment on this post]
Toe Nails
Sakura The Cutie October 4th, 2009 8:42 pm MDTYesterday, my gf thought it would be fun to paint my toe nails, and I just said ok. She used a purple color thats a little shiny. I feel so pretty now ^_^
[1 comment]
Untitled Post
Jessica Linden September 13th, 2009 10:28 pm MDTFrom the world I must hide
What's the real me on the inside
For if they knew I'd look like a fool
And in the end it would only bring ridicule
There's the part that I let them see
Still, there's a much deeper part of me
A part that wonders what to do
Everytime that I think of you
It's the part that cries in the night
And longs for everything to turn out right
Remembering when you went away
And how I still love you to this very day
So I'm still here all alone
Just sitting here staring at the phone
Hoping it'll ring, you'll be on the other end
Just called to say "Hi, I miss you my friend"
I'll go to bed thinking of you
For tomorrow I shall start anew
A whole new world I shall find
And leave the old one far behind
[Comment on this post]
Untitled Post
Jessica Linden September 13th, 2009 10:18 pm MDTThinking of you still today
About the time you went away
I wasn't enough to keep you around
You had a job in another town
You had to go to get on with your life
But for me, it cut like a knife
You didn't look back heading for the door
But if you had, it would have only hurt more
Said you had to go, and I understood why
At least you didn't say "Goodbye"
As much as I needed for you to stay
If you did, I'd just be in your way
I see that it wasn't all you
In all honesty, it was me too
Through it all, I need you to see
I'm eternally thankfull that you cared about me
[Comment on this post]
Untitled Post
Lexy Alexis Mccloud September 12th, 2009 5:08 pm MDTI realized I spelled it wrong...Duh.
autogynephilia
[Comment on this post]
At Crossroads
Lexy Alexis Mccloud September 12th, 2009 2:59 pm MDTHi Girls,
I don't normally write journal entries. I'm at a serious crossroads in my life. I'm seriously planning to transition much further. Breast augmentation, FFS, hormones, etc. I want to go to everything but SRS.
I spend all the time dreaming of transitioning further. A couple of major events in my life have changed allowing to me to do this now. I have had a very sucessful career as a man, but at a stage I am wanting to start over as a woman, even if it means giving up quite a bit.
Although I've dressed and wanted to be a girl since age 5 like the rest of us. I don't have this awful feeling as a woman trapped in a man's body. I want to become a "woman" to feel the sexual attraction of men wanting a girl. Yes, I know the term autogynophilia.
Is it wrong to want to transition because that is what drives me? Many seem to say Shemale is a derogatory word maybe because of the sex industry. For me, that is my desire (fetish?). I want to be one of those TS girls advertising her services.
Am I too old? I am concerned I won't look realistic / passable enough and should stayed in a mans body and dressed as a girl sometimes but not as seriously.
If I do breast augmentation, FFS, hormones, is it just the logical progression to SRS? Am I kidding myself I could/should go that far but not fully?
I realize I am being blunt and direct. I know a lot of girls have discussed these same things internally.
I would really advice from girls who have asked themselves these questions and have lived it.
Thanks girls. Lexy
[1 comment]
Untitled Post
Jessica Linden September 11th, 2009 12:40 am MDTI've heard it said so many times
That time heals all wounds
But nobody says anything
About the memories it leaves behind
[1 comment]
The Secret Dolls seeking Drummer and Bass Player!
Tawni Summer September 5th, 2009 11:17 am MDTHi everyone! first off all I love the website :) A big thank you goes to the admins for doing such a great site for all of us girls! :)
I want to announce that "The Secret Dolls" an all original TS rock band is searching for hot talented musicians for recording, touring and lots more! If you think you have what it takes please contact me directly and please send a head shot photo and a resume with your musical background and experience. Currently we are searching for a Drummer and Bass player.. YOU MUST HAVE GREAT STAGE PRESENCE and ROCK STAR SKILLS! We are very serious about this project and are demanding the best. We are currently holding auditions in San Diego, Cleveland, NYC, and Los Angeles. If you have experience, talent, and have good sex appeal please contact us ASAP as we are planning to start rehearsing in the next couple months. We currently have shows booked and would like to start touring as soon as possible.
You can view the bands website at http://thesecretdolls.com and email us at: contact@thesecretdolls.com
Thank you for taking the time to read my Journal posting and if you know of any others HOT TS talented musicians please forward this information to them.
Thank you,
Tawni Summer
"The Secret Dolls"
www.thesecretdolls.com
[1 comment]
In The Beginning...
Allie Summers August 11th, 2009 9:23 am MDTI had a request to post this in my journal. I wrote this back in March when I first came out to my wife...
I am writing this story because I want a new start with my wife fully involved in ever aspect of my life, including my dressing. I don't want to hide anything from her anymore. No more lies. No more hiding. No more infidelity. No more shame. From now on everything is going to be different.
I met my wife Christy when she was 15. I was a couple of years older. From the first minute I saw her I loved her. It was absolutely love at first sight. We have known each other for 25 years now and have been married for 23. We have a wonderful family together. She is my wife, my lover and my best friend and I want her to be so for the rest of my life. I truly cannot live without her.
The fact that I love her so much and need her so badly has been a true blessing and also a tremendous burden. It was a burden because I had so many secrets that I wanted to share with her but couldn't because I was so afraid I would lose her. I knew that I could never replace her and my life would end if she left me. I’ve wanted to tell her about this for years but couldn’t. Which day is the best day to drive a dagger through the heart of the one you love?
I've been dressing off and on since I was about 12. Initially it was only pantyhose. As I got older it became panties, bras, lingerie, etc. Whenever I had the opportunity, I would run out and buy something, wear it once, then toss it. For years I felt that I was bad, sick, perverted, a sinner, etc. I didn’t know why I was like this and I did everything I could to stop but it wouldn’t go away. I thought about dressing all the time. That happened off and on until about a year and a half ago. I started traveling regularly on business to Austin, Houston and San Antonio so the opportunities to dress increased. I didn't dress every time I went out of town but it grew more and more frequent as time went on.
I started off buying really slutty lingerie. I would wear it once and throw it out. I wouldn’t dress for a while then I’d go out and buy something else and throw it away. I think this is a binging and purging process like a lot of alcoholics or people with eating disorders go through. You fight the need, then you give in, then you binge, then you feel shame, then you purge, then you fight the need, then the processes starts over again.
Eventually, I even started to question my own sexuality. At one point I thought that I might be gay. I even had a sexual encounter with a man. I found out that I did enjoy some aspects of it. I liked being fem. I enjoyed being the submissive one in the relationship, being slightly dominated, etc. But I realized that I didn’t find him (or any other man for that matter) attractive...at least I don’t really prefer men sexually. Now I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I find some men are very good looking or that a guy with a really nice body isn’t hot. I didn’t want to be with a man but I wanted to be the woman. I know it sounds a little confusing and I guess it is. I absolutely know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I couldn’t have an emotional relationship with a man. I’m not sure but I think I’m a lesbian. J
About a year and a half ago my wife asked me if I was having sex with someone else. I said yes. I told her that I had a sexual encounter with a man. I explained that it was because I had the desire to express my female side and be the submissive in the relationship. I also told her about my crossdressing from the time I was about 12. I didn't get into any details at the time. Just the infidelity, the fact it was with a man and that I had crossdressed in the past was a lot to handle.
As you can imagine she didn’t take it very well at first. I certainly don't blame her. At that point I was sure I was going to lose her. It took a lot of work and talking but we worked it out. She said she did understand that I was different and that was one of the reasons she had married me.
After the encounter with the guy my dressing continued to progress. I didn’t know where it was going. There was no plan. But it just kept growing and growing.
IMPORTANT NOTE: I really made a major mistake at this point that I’m not proud of. I didn’t continue the openly communicate with my wife. If at this point if I would have taken the opportunity to be totally honest with her and share all my thoughts and desires things would have been a lot better and easier. It wasn’t intentional but I wove a very tangled web that continued to get more and more elaborate. One important word of advice that I can give to anyone out there is if a door opens to be honest with your spouse about your dressing take advantage of it.
Everything changed when I bought my first pair of high heels. They were kinda expensive and I knew I couldn’t afford to just throw them out like I had the cheap lingerie. So I had to find some place to keep them. At that point I started “collecting” stuff. Once I started keeping my heels, lingerie, etc. It opened me up to building my new persona as a female. I slowly added to my collection. I eventually bought a wig and then some makeup. Buying the makeup was the hardest thing I had ever done. It is amazing how little guys know about makeup…what you need and how to apply it, etc.
When I put my wig and makeup on for the first time I was amazed. It didn’t even look like me. I didn’t look like a man in a pair of panties, I looked like a woman. A rush of emotion poured over me. I felt like a woman. My mannerisms and everything changed. It was totally different. That process or transformation really hit me. I know you girls know what I’m talking about but I just want to express my thoughts so those that are trying to find their way might benefit from it.
Eventually, dressing in full makeup and wigs and stuff made me have a strong desire to go out in public dressed. This was something that was always private. I hadn’t shared it with anyone. I now realized that I wanted to stop hiding it.
It was really scary and probably never would have ventured out by myself. I found a really sweet girl from San Antonio that agreed to take me out to some clubs if I was in town. I called her one night. She wasn't dressed but agreed to go out with me anyway...in guy mode. I got dressed in my panties and bra and she came over and helped me touch up my makeup...picked out some clothes, etc.
I was really worried about walking out of the hotel dressed. But she helped me tremendously. We got on the elevator, she gave me some words of encouragement. ..just be confident... just be yourself...you'll be fine, etc. I strolled out of the hotel like I was a movie star. I got a few looks and even some nice smiles but didn't get the impression that anyone was "freaked out" by me.
We got in the car and drove to a gay dance club in San Antonio that does drag shows and stuff. It was definitely a crowd that wouldn't be surprised to see me. We got a drink, sat and watched the drag shows and danced for a little while. It was very thrilling and I felt so free. Free of the burden of keeping this side of me private and to myself. I wasn't looking to "hook-up" with anyone that night. It wasn't about sex or anything. Just about enjoying the evening and expressing my fem side. She constantly coached me on what to do and how to act…how to sit, how to walk, etc. There was a lot to learn.
That experience really was a major event for me. I started to reach out to others that were like me and started getting to know some really incredible people. I made friends and went out in San Antonio, Austin and of course Houston where I had a chance to meet a number of you. I have come to realize that I’m not alone out there. There are many, many people just like me that are facing the same challenges.
Some of you have been incredibly helpful in my life and have given good advice that led me to a difficult, but proper decision. I had to come totally clean with my wife. Almost everyone gave me one word of warning. DO NOT OVERWHELM HER WITH TOO, MUCH TOO QUICK. The advice was to take it very slow, let her steer the ship, ask the questions, etc.
Until next time....
Kisses,
Allie Summers
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