Journal Entries for Amy Heart
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March 14th, 2009 11:11 pm MDT
I haven't updated in a while. This semester has kept me really busy with school and things.
What do you guys think of Boxxy? She's totally irritating, but I dig her makeup.
There's a lot of awesome makeup accounts on youtube. I've gotten some pretty good ideas from a lot of them. I recommend everyone check a few out.
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November 12th, 2008 4:21 am MST
you'll never forget me
am I so hard to discuss
maybe more like someone you wished you knew
lust
fills up your head
with all the things you wish were between us
to take the place of the blood rushing to your...
well...
but it's not so secret
what you think no one knew
too many times I've heard "How are you?"
when the question is really "what will you let me do?"
"to you?"
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September 3rd, 2008 12:52 am MDT
What is it like at the end of the night when you have to take everything off and be a boy again? For me it's very difficult. It's difficult for one because there's a lot to take off. Getting undressed is not as simple as taking off a shirt, and a skirt and some undies. like it would be for a gg. For me it's a bit more involved. But it's more than that. Changing back is difficult because I have to become something I don't want to be. It forces me to confront, head on, exactly what I am and exactly what I'm doing. Changing into a girl is fun. It's exciting, it's sexual, it's wonderful. Changing back to a boy is secretave and somewhat shamefull. A very wise woman once wrote
Girls can wear jeans
And cut their hair short
Wear shirts and boots
cause its ok to be a boy
But for a boy to look like a girl is degrading
cause you think that being a girl is degrading
But secretly youd love to know what its like
Wouldnt you
What it feels like for a girl
So every night when I have to undo what I've done to be who I really am (female), when I take off the clothes, and also the breast forms, and the gaff, and the hipp and butt pads, and the girdle, and a lot more makeup than any girl would ever need I have to confront the other person who I really am (male). And it gets harder and harder each time. I love you. Will you love me once you really know me?
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May 12th, 2008 2:22 am MDT
I was on the phone with a friend of mine today. This friend only knows me as a boy. I don't think she woulc be able to handle Amy. It came up in conversation, how much of a girl I am, even in boy mode. Now I really am pretty effiminate, it's true. But for someone who has no idea that Amy even exits to tell me I'm "such a girl" really gets me thinking. I guess I should take it as a compliment. I don't think she meant it that way. It was more of a playfull insult. The kind that isn't meant to offend, but is still kind of serious. I used to have really long hair. Much longer than the one in my braids picture. I'd be in the guys bathroom, totally not dressed as Amy at all, and guys would stop and look at the door to make sure they were in the right place. It used to freak me out a lot to think that I presented as female, even when I wasn't trying. Funny that now, when I want to present as female, there are so many things that give me away so easily. I need to work on my voice especially. If anyone reads this, can you suggest a *safe* place to practice voice feminization. You can hear right through the walls in my building so I never feel safe doing it at home.
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April 25th, 2008 1:55 pm MDT
I saw a transgendered lady on the subway a few days ago. I really wanted to talk to her, but I was in boy mode so I didn't. That's happened to me a couple of times. I wish there was some kind of "secret handshake" or something. Some way to say "Hi I think you're beautiful and I admire what you're doing. But I'm not a pervy dude who's trying to hit on you. I'm just like you. Um.. so yeah... hi." without coming off as a total freak or a creep. There's still this whole big coverup and hush-hush about being transgendered. At least it seems that way. Maybe I'm just imagining it. Maybe it's no big deal. Maybe I just don't have the balls to be a girl.
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April 6th, 2008 2:16 am MDT
What's with all the agressive persuit. I've had a profile here for almost 2 years and I get like one or two emails ever. Then as soon as I put up a pic of my face, these guys start messaging me. Look, I don't know you, I didn't even you there was such a thing as you until tonight. There is no way I'm going to fly across the country so we can "hang out." I've never met anyone I met on the internet in real life who I didn't know for at least a month or more beforehand. If you can't maintain a friendship for 4 weeks online, you're obviously not really interested in being "friends" with anyone. I'm not here to hook up. I'm here to meet some people who I can share a very special part of myself with, and I don't mean anything that's under my skirt. Okay ranting over. On the plus side, people seem to like my picture. ^_^ Thanks.
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April 5th, 2008 5:14 pm MDT
I finally got a "real" picture up (yay!) That old one was like 3 years old. As you can see my hair is shorter now, but I'm still rocking the pigtails ^_^ So the URNA staff has decided to give me a journal now that I've shown them my face. He he he... Okay seriously though. I have a lot to talk about when it comes to being transgendered, and maybe... just maybe... I'll share some of my poems and songs too. Amy <3
