Journal Entries for Jessica Smith
Catching Up
August 22nd, 2007 12:17 am MDT
I haven't written anything in a long time - partly because I've been so busy I haven't had much Jessica time - but a couple things happend recently I wanted to share. The first one was simple but meant a lot. I did get one day off work that I got to get out and play, and part of the day was the trip down to the salon to get my back and brows waxed. As I walked in, one of the girls I've talked to was up front, screamed for joy, ran up, and gave me a great big hug. Jessica has never gotten an "I'm happy to see you" welcome, and this simple gesture just meant the world to me. We just chatted for a few minutes until my appointment started, and she ran off before I got done, but I will remember that moment for a long time. The next time I came in she asked me why I hadn't called; she and a couple friends want to take me out for drinks! I'm really excited I might have found my first girlfriends! The second one just floored me. I was showing some of my pictures to the same girl I mentioned above one day. A couple of her other clients took a look while we were talking, and it turns out one of them is a wanna-be photographer. She asked if I'd be willing to model for her sometime. I told her I'd love to and we made plans to hook up at lunch to get to know each other. Unfortunately she had to cancel, and then we both got busy, so a month went by and I decided to give her a call and find out if she still wanted to do it. She apologized over and over for not getting back to me, and said she absolutely wants to, but has some personal stuff going on that will keep it from happening right away (which is okay with me; I'm busy anyway). What absolutely floored me is that she said she was afraid that I'd find somebody else to model for and she wouldn't get a chance to shoot me. I wanted to say "who, me?" but I just took it in as one of the nicest compliements anybody has ever given me. We ended up talking for about 15 minutes as two girlfriends. Between the compliment and the connection I was walking around all day with a hop in my step and a smile on my face that I hadn't had in a long time. Just little stuff, but these little things are meaning the world to me. I'm looking so forward to having Jessica be a bigger part of my life.
Valentine's Day Surprise
February 16th, 2007 2:15 am MST
I got a big surprise at work yesterday. My wife had flowers sent to my office! She doesn't know I'm enjoying dressing these days (see previous journal entries if you're interested), and I'm sure that she just wanted to do something special. It was, but on a completely different level than what she would think! It was a beautiful arrangement of tulips that hadn't even begun to bloom when they arrived. I found myself just admiring them a couple times over the last two days, watching them bloom, thinking how pretty they were.
It's so much fun being a girl!
Love, Jessica
The Photo Album
February 1st, 2007 11:38 pm MST
I have a lot to learn about being a girl.
I took another step towards femininity a couple weeks ago and had my back waxed. This story isn't about that event, but one thing that happened as a result of the conversation I had with the girl that did it for me. She didn't know much about crossdressing, so we had plenty to talk about. One of her questions was "do you have any pictures". Hmmm, let me think... do we like taking pictures? I answered yes, just giggling on the inside knowing how much we all seem to love to get in front of the camera. As I left, I made an appointment to do my chest, and she said she'd like to see the pictures the next time I came in.
Unfortunately, in my case the truth is that my picture collection consists of the one that I use on my profile, a number that I've taken of myself dressed but no makeup/wig/anything else, and a photo shoot from Glamour Shots I did a couple months back. I'll let you guess which are the best. I thought about just bringing the collection in, but as I thought about it I thought it would be fun to put an album together. So, I went down to the stationery store, thinking it would be easy to find something to throw something together in. I was surprised they didn't have anything. So I went over to Aaron Brothers, and didn't find anything I liked there either. A little disappointed, I went home, not knowing what I would do next.
I was out running errands later that day, and noticed an arts-and-crafts store next door to a place I was leaving. Thinking I might find something there I went to look around. I found a couple albums, but nothing that struck my fancy. As I was looking around, though, I noticed a section of the store with supplies for something called "scrapbooking". Oh my God, I had no idea of what I was in for. Here's where the "learning about being a girl" comes in. So much for a selection of one or two albums. They had at least 5 dozen books of all shapes, styles, and themes. Then I started looking at the supplies. They had more things that I could ever think people would put together - stickers, themed frames, different types of embeleshments, and literally hundreds of different styles of paper to mount what you were going to put into it. It was about then somebody who worked there came by, and I'm sure she could tell I was pretty overwhelmed. I told her what I wanted to do (no details this time, just "putting a photo album together") and I got all the information I needed. A half hour later I was leaving with a beautiful flower-print monogramed album with enough room to hold pictures from three more photo shoots and the supplies to put together something really nice. I did hold off on all the extravagant items - I want it to look nice right now, and I really don't have an artist's touch - so I'll experiment with it over time.
Over the week I've gotten it put all together. It looks fantastic. I find myself really enjoying just looking through it, thinking about both the fun time I had at the photo shoot and the experience of putting the album together. Now I need to find some local friends to take more pictures with! I guess I have what I would consider my first feminine hobby - other than shopping, of course!
Oh, and my waxing appointment is tomorrow. I can't wait to share my album with someone!
Another Step
December 15th, 2006 8:35 pm MST
Well, I took what for me was another big step a couple nights ago. A girlfriend referred me to a local bar that she assured me was t-friendly. We made plans to meet down there. I had a couple things I had to do earlier in the evening, and I didn't have the luxury of being able to get ready at home, so by the time I'd stopped at enough restrooms to put on my makeup and get changed, it would have been real easy to decide it wasn't worth it. But I didn't, and went down. Then comes the hardest part for me. I'm in the parking lot and need to step out of the car and go in. I only had to take a couple deep breaths this time before I had the courage to go.
I went in, I'd gone by a couple weeks earlier so I was ready for the ID check. My friend was right, the guy there just said hi, gave me my wrist band, and said have fun. Another deep breath. So I go in and start looking around. I'm anxiously looking for my friend but at the same time watching everybody to see how they react to me.
To make a long story short, things went absolutely fantastic. I know I was read by everybody there, but it was no big deal. Anyone there who payed any attention at all to me treated me like anyone else there. Many just came by to socialize. I don't know for sure, but if I were to wager, more than a couple of the guys that introduced showed more than just a social interest 
. One of the guys said, and I quote, "I admire you" - wow, did that make me feel good!. Somebody there recognized me (fortunately it was somebody who knew about Jessica!) so that was real fun. And I was able to get by and have a great time even without the safety net of my friend, who ended up not being able to show up.
And do you know what the best part was? It was after I got home. I came in and put my purse and makeup bag down. I went into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, and saw at least a fairly attractive girl looking back. I smiled, said to myself "I did it", and enjoyed the moment. I went back to sit down and just enjoyed the moment for about 10 minutes.
Jessica's here to stay, girls!
A scare...
November 11th, 2006 11:26 pm MST
I have to share something that happened today. It may sound weird to many, but I have a feeling many girls could relate (and if you can, I sure could use the encouragement...)
Over the last couple weeks I've started shaving my body hair. I did my chest and legs 2 weeks ago, and my arms earlier this week. It was a big step for me as the way I look at myself, a gorilla has only a little more hair than I do.
My wife, who knows I've dressed in the past but thinks I've 'kicked the habit' noticed my arms today. I started to panic when she questioned it. The thing that got me through was a chat with a girl I had last week that told me, among other things, if you're confident in who you are, you'll get through. I can't say I was confident, but I acted that way, and it wasn't that bad. I'm not ready to tell her "I did it because I don't look good in a dress otherwise", but I did say that I just wanted to see what I would look like, and that I did say I like the look better than it was before. She thought it was strange, but let it go. I made it through!
I don't know what will happen when she notices my legs, but hey, one at a time...
Anyway, that's all for tonight. Thanks for letting me ramble.
First thoughts
November 11th, 2006 12:09 am MST
I figured I'd take another step in my journey and do some journaling. I can only hope I don't put people to sleep.
I've chatted with a couple girls over the last two nights and it has been absolutely fantastic. They have been encouraging, sympathetic, and loving. I was so moved that it motivated me to start this journal and has made me just so much more excited to have Jessica step out into the world. For years I've watched women talk, and they seem so connected. I felt that way the last two nights. It was incredible. I've done my first girl-talk and I don't want to go back!
I don't know what the next step is, but I'm sure looking forward to it...
