Beth Ann Gurl
"dying to start hormones."
Journal Entries for Beth Ann Gurl
It's easier said than done!
February 19th, 2008 5:07 am MST
The cat is meowing at me as I try to sit here and have a smoke, pondering on the day to come. Bla Bla meeting yesterday at work with everyone, lol, one topic they picked is to have a place with NO IT problems, lmao. Well, just top staff was there, 90 about, 10 had taken the day off. Have they lost their minds? I am the IT department, and I guess they really have no idea how a computer works. I guess I could wave my Princess Wand and make all the problems go away. You can not go anywhere and find a place with no IT problems. LMAO. I think I will be working on imaging new stuff down onto up to 3 computer labs. I wonder if they think when we get new software is that a problem? Ah, nevermind.
My brother stopped by to see me at work yesterday, and he could only stay and talk to me for like 15 minutes. I had told him 1st about me being a TS early last summer and he took it very well. I had my new small Nikon S-200 in my pocket, with pictures of me from my last outing as Beth Ann. He was like WOW, you look good, I would not have recognized you. Then he got to the ones of me actually out at the mall in the book store Borders. I guess he was amazed that yes I do go out and go places. He liked my outfit, I had on pink sweater, jean mini skirt, and black tights leggings. No big thick as jeans leggins for me, why bother with that just stay a guy if you are going to wear big thick clothes on your legs. Really, my leggins were almost just black pantyhose but closer to tights. More girly.
I guess that mom and dad are still mad at me, because no e-mail or phone calls, nada. My brother said they are just taking it hard. Well, poop, I do not know what to do now. I have an appointment with my pain clinic doctor this Thursday, and I was going to ask her for estrogern. I know that will help me look better as a girl, and I will grow my own breasts! So much better than stuffing my bra! I am going to even try and get off of work early a bit some so I can go to the visit as a girl. But mom and dad are just wanting me to wait, I just wonder wait how long? I've waited for years and hid my girl self from the world, that's kinda why I came out, so I did not have to wait, and I could actually do things to move on with transition.
They, mom and dad, were so supportive when I came out and said that they would always love and support me no matter what. I was kind of stunned, I went out to see them as my guy self and they said you are our kid and we really will love you no matter what. But, NOW, they have changed their minds!! Mom basically said she totally hates the idea of what I am doing, and dad is so sick of it he can hardly talk about it and mom said he is getting physically sick. Talk about a guilt trip!! I've had my own mental problems to deal with, I can hardly make it through the day, and I am physically sick, so I really don't need all this extra drama, and they know it. I just want to be a girl, a woman. I will still be me, but just the girl form of me. I know you all know about this, but I was just tired of being a wannabe TS, talking about it but never doing anything, all because of fear basically I guess. I think I will make a good girl and be much happier person. They always wondered why I was such a depressed person all the time, and sad all the time, and now they know, know what might make me happy and they don't want me to do it!! How rude!!
I bid thee all a happy day, I try and dry my tears now, and get in the shower.
Take care, Beth Ann
SOME NEW GOOD THINGS !!
February 17th, 2008 3:56 am MST
I have to say I am simply pleased with my hair!! LOL! It is growing great! It is down past my shoulders now! Woot! I just love it! I started growing it out on January of 2007 and have not cut it since. This is the first time in my entire life that I have actually had my own real long hair! And I love it! I can mouse it up then scrunch it and come up with a huge pile of curls! So very girly! Most days I just wear my hair like that to work, kinda looks different, but I like it. Just me with a girls hairdo! I am hoping that my bosses will get the hint and let me come to work as Beth Ann, since all four of them saw me on Halloween 2007 fully dressed as a girl!!The 3 male bosses were really picking on me about my hair for about 6 months, but about a few weeks ago I think I put a stop to it. I told one of them he better stop it because he was violating my civil rights, and I was going right back to my office and write down exactly what he said and the time and date. And would be doing that for each one of the bosses. Well, they stopped.The week before last I actually drove to the central office and talked to the personell director and asked if it would be possible for me to come to work as Beth Ann. She was very positive in her responce and kind to me, she liked me anyway, and said that she would talk to the lawyer and see what he had to say. She's been on vacation since then, I am almost afraid to ask her what they talked about and decided.I've been having a real hard time finding a doctor to prescribe me some estrogen, I think I really need it now as I am about to go full time working and living as a woman. I've asked a few and been turned down. I have several photo albums that show that I have been living most of my life as aa woman anyway, but just not at work.I have been able to loose a wee bit of weight !! But need to loose some more. At least I am not at my horrible super depressed weight of 260lbs. Now that sucked. I am actually down to under 230lbs now!! I take my 1 Adipex each day.I am still on quite a pile of medication, but I think it is keeping me on the straight and level. 1 thing I do not like is my migrianes.The last time I had my hair worked on, I actually went to a salon at the mall and had my hair colored, and my brows waxed! I think and hope that I get to go back tommrow as I need to go, evil roots. I had my eyes checked for the first time in 8 years and next week am going to get fitted for my trials contacts, I got the colored ones in blue and green! Very girly I think, especially since I've worn glasses since I have been 16 years old. I'm trying to do everything to be girly. My latest picture is #8. If you want to check it out.I better go lay down and get some rest, I am so happy that I am on the road to being a girl now, and I do hope that it actually all goes good for me and actually works out so that I can be a real girl. )) My life long dream, since 14 or earlier, will have finally come true!!Beth Ann
Still Working on becoming a girl!
February 17th, 2008 3:17 am MST
I think my parents feelings about me working towards becoming a girl are getting much, much worse now! I kinda hate to admit it but I do love my mom and dad, and before I know it I am on the phone dialing them up just to have a chat. I've just been doing it my entire life since I moved out on my own at 22. I called mom last Tuesday, and we were having a pretty good talk, but somehow the topic of my being a TS came up. Oh boy! She was in a mood about it! She said that she felt that I was persecuting her by doing this to her? I'm doing this to her? And she went on about how bad it was, the details I just blurred out. She said that dad was so, so very sick about it that he could not talk about it at all, and she thought it was making him very sick physically and mentally. OH my. Talk about laying a big guilt trip on you! Now somehow by me finally trying to become a girl that i have always wanted to be my entire life, I am some how going to kill them both? So they want me to stop right now and not do it so that they can relax. So, what am I supposed to do? Am I actually supposed to stop my attempts at traansition and go back to being a very depressed person? I just do not think I could do that, not now that I have come OUT, and told everyone that I know, including them. I mean I finally got up the nerve to tell the world that I want to be a girl, and well I am going to give it a good try! I would be so happy if things were to work out for me and I actually got everything done, and got my papers that said that I was truly a proper girl. I would be so very happy. I guess that they would be mad, upset, and ashamed of me for the rest of their or my life. I really do not think I am a bad girl to deserve this, why in the world would they be so ashamed of me? Just simply for the fact that I decided to become a girl? Other than that I've not done anything really horrible that I know of. I go to work, keep my house nice and tidy, pay my taxes, feed my cat, I really do not know what else they want of me? I guess, it is simple as not to be a girl. Well, I am truly sick and tired of being a man now, and am ready to live life as a girl and have more of a fun life as a girl. I've waited for this, and now I just think that I have to do it. Beth Ann
STRESSED OUT // 1-17-2008 // Need Hormones
January 17th, 2008 3:47 am MST
STRESSED OUTI am so totally stressed out as of late, I just hardly know what to do!! My internet biz that I started about 1 year ago is doing NOTHING. So all the money I put into it is for naught at the moment, but I've not given up on it. I am basically broke at the moment, I don't remember in the last 10 years when I have been so broke. I guess, that is a good run though, hope I can get things back going. I must! Since I OUTED myself to everyone last Halloween, not much progress have I made on my transition. They will not let me come to work dressed. (( I have tried several doctors to get hormones and they all have said NO, because they have no idea what to do with a TS. Grrrr. Can they not read, and research, can they not ask me some questions? Last doctor I asked, last week, looked so shocked, he got up did not say good bye, shake my hand, or have a good day, I looked out in the hall and he was almost running away. What made it worse was the antibiotic he gave me, I had a terrible reaction too.My parents have been nice about it all, about finding out that I am TS. But when I asked to come to the family Christmas day and dinner as Beth, they said NO, I guess they are ashamed of me.They are giving me a hard time at work! I will not cut my hair, it is now like 16" long and nice and curly, I had my brows waxed, now I twease them, I have long nails! This Monday my boss had an outside computer company come in and lock me out of MY own network. Now as the Network Administrator, how am I supposed to do my job? He did not even tell me, nor has he yet. I had to call that company to ask them what was up. Harrasment. And I don't even come to work dressed not one time since Halloween, although I wish I could to start my real life test and live full time 1 year so I can get SRS! I've lost most of my friends at work. All of this because I want to be a girl?? Good grief. I waited a long time holding these feelings in not to make anyone mad, but I cannot do it anymore.I want to get my hormones legally, and be under a doctors care. SighSo, at this moment, I am not one happy camper. Beth Ann
Made it to Christmas Break!!
December 23rd, 2007 10:52 am MST
Hello! Well, I made it to Chrstmas break after coming out on Halloween! It was kind of tough there for a while, I mean everyone knows now about me even my parents. Ha, I worried about telling them for years, but lol someone went and outed me to them. Kinda weird everyone knowing now. But, I was tired of sitting at home afraid to go out. Now I go out anywhere I want. Some people at work are still upset at work, they stop talking and look away when I come by. Weird. I kinda think I'd like to transition at work, I want to, I like my job, but I don't want to be the butt of a ton of jokes while I'm trying to get living and acting as a woman down. I just don't think that they realize how important that this is to me. My hair is about 11" long now, and I can make it look pretty girly quite easy now! Even went to the mall and had it colored, and my brows waxed. LOL, the girl could not help herself and gave me girl brows! Ah well, no one said anything at work, so I got a new pair of tweases and keep them nice and in shape. I really never thoutht I'd have brows like this, but I do! I had my eyes checked, and am waiting for my colored contacts! That should make passing much easier! Since, I can ditch my guy glasses! Whew! I chose blue!! I wear my hair down to work, and am going to wear my contacts too, make my brows show up even more! I kinda look funny wearing guy shirts and pants!! I hope to laser off my beard soon, don't know how much that will cost! That will help alot I think. All my bosses know I like to dress-up, wish they would just say come to work dressed how you want. Actually, I thought I'd never come out and get this far, but somehow I have. I can't believe it. I thought I was going to be a wanna be MtF forever, but maybe somehow I can pull this off and be a girl. I don't know how everyone else feels about me at work, and my family, but well I am sure happy about it!! I really tried to fight off being a girl for a long time, but it won. What can I say? I guess I was supposed to be a girl. I'm a quite submissive girl, I love tattoos, and I kinda hope to do some body painting modeling after SRS. As, well girls seem to be the chosen canvas for that. And well, if I make it to being a girl, I hope to be chosen for doing some of that! I know, that's silly now, cause it's a long way off. But, I'm working on being a girl as best as I can. Soon, I'd love to start on hormones. Everyone knows about me now, so I see no reason to stop, other than money, until I am legally a female!! I'm such a shy and silly girl, I just cannot believe it's me actually giving it a try to be a girl~! I hope I get it right! Grow your hair out first, that's what I did, and it seems to make things go a wee bit easier. Plus, it's fun to have and play with. Beth Ann
I took a giant LEAP , and who knows where I will Land.
November 8th, 2007 6:52 pm MST
Well, on LAST HALLOWEEN, I took a gian LEAP and I still do not know where I am going to land. I guess, I did not realize how big of a deal it was going to be for me to show up at work dressed-up! It was like I was cloaked in flames or something? I mean people totally freaked, it was insane. I could have not written something that good. Well, I could have, I can write pretty good, but you get the point. I've always wanted to go to work dressed-up. Oh, hell, even the drive to work was fun. I was an hour late, lmao, I need to get up much earlier if I'm going to be a girl. I dressed conservative, but I really wanted to wear my new pink hose, as my legs were silky smooth and I wanted to show em off, but I did not. Well, anyway, I'm a computer guy at a LARGE HS, 1,500 staff & students. I've told my Brother that I am TS. But no one else. Sheesh, this was supposed to be a halloween costume. So many were nice on that day, but I could see the looks of dissaproval from many of my fellow staff, lol, you know the ones who did not dress up themselves. No fun types. And by the end of the day a group of women teachers I was sitting with said not your first time doing this. Your voice is much quiter, you walk like a girl, you outfit is to good, bla bla bla. It seems I go into girl mode way to easy without realizing it, and I just could not bring myself to do a mockery of a woman dress-up. Not when that's what I want to be, and adore. ONE thing I forgot, the county repair men & their damn truck radios! By 9:30 am every school AND the freeking central office knew I had dressed up. And, of course, they called my mom and dad, and told them, and all the county worker trade men told my brother, cause he is one of them. Well, shit, I just came out to 5,000 people all in one fell swoop! More when peeps get home and tell peeps at home. I do not know wheather to laugh or cry. I need this job. I like my job. But, I guess, I will have to come to terms with being the suspect crossdressing homo. I'd like to transition there, but I don't know if they would let me, or if they would be nice to me, if I tried. That would be another county wide code red. Ah, sheesh.
Whoops!
October 22nd, 2007 11:43 pm MDT
Whoops, just about forgot about urnotalone! EEK! Been very busy at work with a bunch of mean people. Two of my bosses are complaining about my hair! I just wear it down like a girl would, hehe. Like I'm going to cut it for them. BS! I've also been busy starting my 1st business ever! Internet based, of course. Then some dufus hit ME with his truck, and now that is a real mess. I have been busy with MY SPACE not to dis this space, as I like the strict policy on NICE PHOTOS ONLY!! Take Care, Beth Ann
