Joanna
"watching her wild flowers bloom and harvesting apples."
Journal Entries for Joanna
Of Moonlight and Mozart.
July 18th, 2008 9:34 pm MDT
I love my vintage 12 speed road bike. Summertime in the Northern Adirondack mountains are great days for riding. Yesterday on my ride, I Stopped to visit a friend and ended up fixing her bike and her sons bike. Then we rode to a small nearby farm. We got to play with some baby goats and watched Mom being milked. Then I met the kittens and and fell in love with a red and white very affectionate barn kitten. It was a full Moon on the 5 mile ride back home. It was just magic with mist in the marshes lit by the moonlight and patches of moonlight spilling through open patches in the forest along the road. I rode home without turning on my headlamp. Today I drove to the big city to get all the needed kitten supplies. So now Mozart, my beautiful little kitten is asleep here at my feet while I type this out. I am just in awe of this wonderful llittle trusting and affectionate gift Ihave been given. <Sigh of happines>
The Emergence of Joanna
July 9th, 2008 2:56 pm MDT
Once upon a time I was stealthed by Terri. It took me a few days to realize or accept the fact that the pretty girl that seduced me while driving along US 1 in Ft Lauderdale was not a real girl. Even when I realized who she was, all I could do was smile, her kiss was so incredibly nice. But only her guy voice ever answered the phone saying that I had a wrong number. And so I continued to date GGs. Then I moved up North for a few years and then transferred back to Miami again. I would be living aboard my sailboat in a North Miami marina. When I visited the marina where I would be living I met my soon to be neighbor. Robin, my future neighbor was painting her beautiful antique wood boat. She was all legs and longhair. She was very shy and quiet but eventually opened up and we had a nice chat that somehow got around to living on boats and family acceptance. I had 30 days to dream of this girl as I was sailing my boat back to Miami. When I moved in, I asked about Robin because her boat was gone. I said I thought she was very nice and very pretty. They all laughed at me. They told me Robin was really a guy and got thrown out of the marina. Argh! I was pissed at those mean people and heart broken. Up until then I just assumed Robin was a GG. I had to do some soul searching but realized that Robin was more important than any ingrained homophobia I might have. I searched every marina in the area and then started checking out some gay bars to see if I could find her. Then I found Trixies Drag Bar. Wow! what an experience for a straight guy like like me, especially in the military! These people really know how to have fun! But I did not think that Robin would be hanging out in bars and stuff. I gave up the search and continued with my hetero and military social life. Then after a few more years and some "stressful" incidents, the military put me on brain meds and told me I had to retire. Then I looked up my past girlfriend that I had before I left home years and years ago. She was no longer married but was now gay. Then one day I met a really cute drag boy on vacation in South Beach while I was doing some photography. WOW! this realy shifted some perspectives. Then I started going back to Trixies Drag Bar. I met a whole different type of people from the hetero crowd. These people were nice. They seemed to enjoy life and wanted to do nice things for me. One memorable little drag boy sat next to me one time and told me how he liked to sew and how he made his dress. How he liked to cook and clean. This one wonderful person shattered the whole hetero paradigm for me. It was then I realized that In the hetero world, girls were always testing to see what I would be able to do for them and I was always trying to prove myself to them. I have never had a GG try to prove herself to me as this one little drag boy did. Now I can only see the hetero mating and dating crowd as a bunch of desperate people trying to fulfill their genetic imperative. Then I gave up on the concept of normalcy and decided to jump in, have some fun and join the insanity. First I bought a dress to wear for when I would finally meet my long lost but now gay girlfriend. A simple joke I thought. The cross dressing joke turned into a major engineering project. I paid for a makeover to learn how to do makeup, found out that corsets are incredibly calming devices, learned to safely shave my legs and bought a pair of wonderful 6 inch platform heels. I got up on stage and did some lip sync performances and dancing ... it was a riot. At night clubs they waved me in ahead of the line, bartenders gave me free drinks. I learned what goes on in the night club ladies room. And guys propositioned me and then turned white and ran when I answered in my guy voice. I even had one creepy drunk guy follow me in the parking lot. Then I retired, left Miami and moved to the mountains, my life long dream. My drag days were only for 6 months and I have no deep emotional drive to want to dress for gender or sexual reasons. For some reason I have kept Joanna's suitcase of party clothes. But there is part of Joanna that will not let go of me and it has nothing to do with the clothes or wanting to be a woman. Bit by bit I have been trying to learn what Joanna has been trying to say to me. The joke flopped with my past girlfriend but she appreciated my attempt to shift perspective. We are still great friends and she is really wonderful. If anyone knows of a girl named Robin that lives on a boat, I would appreciate very much to know that she is OK.
Whats up with the TV/CD thing?
June 30th, 2008 2:49 pm MDT
I wrote the following for a girl on another forum wondering whats up with the TV/CD and how we could consider ourselves transexual. By dictionary terms, I am not transexual. The TV/CD is an entirely different experience from the transexual. But I am a Transgender Person which is an umbrella term for all of us. The existence of the TV/CD muddies the water of public perception and makes things more difficult for the transexual. For me putting on a dress and makeup is lots of fun and going out to clubs and drag bars is a riot. My putting on a dress has nothing in common whatsoever with Transexualism or GID. Well almost nothing. I think that cross dressing may be an exploratory part of GID for some people. I could write a small book about my experiences, emotions and my changed perspective on society. But I did realize that my prefered form of gender expression does not fit the role model society expects. Nor does it fit the "Real Man" image foisted on to our society. And in no way do I consider myself anywhere close to a beinga woman. Other than a hardcore transvetite who puts a dress on for pure sexual stimulation, one might find the CD/TV to have a different set of esthetics and value you for your feminine qualities rather than just whats between your legs. We have a deep appreciation for those feminine qualities we try so hard to emulate. So for the little bit of time you play "dress up" with him you might find an incredibly appreciative and loving partner. Legal Disclaimer: As in all aspects of humanity there are degrees of everything. He may only need to dress a little or dress a lot. Fixation on genitals may vary. Fashion sense may vary from embarrassing to way better than yours. This statement may contain forward thinking concepts. Please read full prospectus. Mileage may vary.
Team Human Bean
June 26th, 2008 3:44 pm MDT
There are many many place to be in the gender spectrum.When I was a kid I was called a pussy and a sissy. When I was in the military, the women I dated considered me to be "A Real Man". I never was any of those. And most importantly, In the military, I did the same exact awesome and demanding work with some really nice and very capable women that no one would ever call "A Real Man". Some of the guys I worked with, not to be mean, said that I would make some girl a nice wife someday.And today I run my own welding and machine repair shop. It fits squarely into the Macho guy image. But I also tend the wildflower gardens planted around my most macho shop.I'm tired of our personalities being pushed into specific "market segments". Then those in religious and political power use those segmemts to divide and conquer us. The really bad part is that we come to deny parts of our selves in order to fit into these boxes. We are all on the same "Team Human Bean" and have the ability to make valuable contributions even if we don't fit into the box.
Mentoring a GID Person. Need help.
June 25th, 2008 10:47 pm MDT
I received an email from Jane (not real name) looking for someone to live with. Jane is 18 years old, gender dysphoric and living with clueless religious conservative parents.I am renovating my cottage and will have a spare room, I would enjoy the company of someone willing to do household chores in exchange for rent and food. Jane would be working a job, saving up for SRS. Problem is that Jane also wants me to be her boyfriend and help her through transition. Jane has the features to become an attractive young lady but I cannot even consider the possibility of an intimate relationship with someone so young and also under duress. I could comfortably be her mentor and help her through transition but not financially. She understands that I do not have the money but still wants to come live with me just to get away from her parents and start dressing and transitioning.I did did not detect one bit of BS from Jane during our chats. She seems to be a very good person overall. In her desperation She seems to be willing to throw herself immediately to someone she finds on the internet. Is the desperation of gender dysphoria that strong?I once gave free room and board to a young girl living in a drug filled neighborhood. I was somewhat of a mentor and there was never any consideration of foolinging around with her. She is now married and working on her masters degree. She is my best friend and considered family. This is what I had in mind when I offered Jane free room and board.I would appreciate any advise offered on this situation and experiences anyone has had either sponsoring or being sponsored through transition.
Chainsaws and Silk Stockings
June 18th, 2008 10:08 pm MDT
Last Tuesday a small tornado spun down the other side of my street and down along the trail through the woods. Spent the first day chainsawing my way out to the main road. Spent 5 days without power and even worse, 6 days unplugged from the Matrix .... I mean the Internet. Got to spend some time with the neighbors and help a few others. Will be doing cleanup for the rest of the Summer. Luckily My Wild Flower gardens survived. Life is still good and wonderful up here! Apologies for not getting back to friends in a timely manner. Thought of "The Lumberjack Song" from Monte Python while cutting through the morass. Gotta have a sense of humor about all this. I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay. I sleep all night and I work all day. He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees. I skip and jump. I like to press wild flowers. I put on women's clothing And hang around in bars. He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps. He likes to press wild flowers. He puts on women's clothing And hangs around in bars?! He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. He sleeps all night and he works all day. I cut down trees. I wear high heels, Suspendies, and a bra. I wish I'd been a girlie, Just like my dear Papa. He cuts down trees. He wears high heels, Suspendies, and a bra?! He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay. He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Ubuntu
April 12th, 2008 8:55 pm MDT
I made the following post in response to Dans PC and Mac comparision. The quote by Desmond Tutu sums it up. I think the concept deserves its own top level post. And the concept is not really about what computer you use. Windows is bloated beauracacy. Macintosh is elitist. Linux/Ubuntu is the future of true, free, unfettered human interaction. A person with ubuntu is open and available to others, affirming of others, does not feel threatened that others are able and good, for he or she has a proper self-assurance that comes from knowing that he or she belongs in a greater whole and is diminished when others are humiliated or diminished, when others are tortured or oppressed. Desmond Tutu Please do not confuse this concept with Communism where the State and Party is more important than the individual. J
OK, So what's the deal with shoes?
January 1st, 2008 4:57 pm MST
OK, So what’s the deal with shoes? I first dressed as a joke for a girlfriend but the joke sort of bombed. But the seemingly simple act of putting on a dress popped the cork on a whole load of bottled up emotions and feelings. All the emotions and feeling seem to be explainable by a few simple concepts. One explanation is just the simple sensuousness and eroticism of the clothes. The other more deeper explanation is finding myself midway on the gender spectrum and that Joanna is "recoil" from having been pushed into the full male role, especially having been in the military. Lots of explainable emotions there. So I know most of us just have come to accept and enjoy dressing without out questioning or trying to justify it to others. But I am curious about everything in this wonderful gift of life we have. I have always wondered why and asked questions ( a bad trait to have in the military). And I would really like to understand the totally illogical emotions attached to my new shoes. So what is it with shoes? My first pair of girl shoes were 6 inch platforms. So much easier to walk in because they were so much stiffer than the more conservative heels I initially intended to buy. They are so much fun for clubbing and attract lots of attention. They have the same fun and balance factor as my rollerblades. Finally the fetish factor is very high. So while those shoes are very explainable, I have little emotional attachment to them. But recently I purchased my second pair of girl shoes. I liked the colors, grey canvas with turquoise straps and a few small star shaped chrome studs. I love these shoes without explanation! They make me giddy and happy. Why? They have no fetish factor. They will not attract attention like the platforms. Why all the feel good emotions and deep attachment to them? I have very little emotional attachment to anything I own. About the only "things" I have any emotional excitement over are my two pieces of very high tech TIG and Plasma welding equipment. I call them the "Fingers of God" because they so cleanly cut and fuse seemingly indestructible elements. Very explainable feelings for something so incredibly awesome. So what is it with these shoes? Much can be learned by studying the extremes in nature. These shoes appear to be one of the extremes of my nature. So I would appreciate if anyone could offer an explanation for my unexplainable feel good emotion attached to these shoes.
Journal Poll
December 19th, 2007 2:15 am MST
I would like to know how many people actually read through these journal entries. Some people have posted really good stuff and no one comments I do not read them all, just the ones of interest to me. But if you do at least check here on a regular basis, please leave a coment. Thank You
Minds Eye
December 16th, 2007 1:17 am MST
I Finally completed a new photo shoot. It has been over a year since I dressed and a lot of good changes have occurred in my life along with a greater understanding of just who I am. I think the new photos reflect the change and understanding. I wanted to express the feminine that is locked away every day under my normal male role. Mostly I wanted to capture a picture of my smile to keep in my minds eye for when times get turbulent and the quiet feminine strength is needed rather than the quick unthinking male reaction. The original Joanna ver 1.0 profile photo, dressed in black fetish on the pool table at Trixies is more of an actress, an extension of my old DJ personality combined with my male fantasy of a woman. Joanna ver 1.0 is still alive and well for parties and nightclubs but should not be taken as the whole of my personality. I do have a guy profile available for anyone that may be interested in real friendship.I enjoy this wonderful, beautiful gift of life that we are each given.Joanna
Loose and Flowing
December 6th, 2007 10:57 am MST
I have been wanting to finish sewing a lace skirt So I could do a quality photo shoot. last night I stopped at Wal-Mart to get some crinoline to finish the skirt. While I was looking for a sweater or blouse to go with the skirt, a very pretty sales clerk came up to ask if I needed help. She was more than enthusiastic to help. I told her that I was looking for something loose and flowing to go with a lace skirt for My friend Joanna. Was this ever awkward .... I've always met girls while shopping for Joanna but this sales clerk was someone I really wanted to get to know better. She held one sweater up and asked if I could picture her in the lace skirt wearing that particular sweater while she twisted and posed like a model. I had a brain meltdown at that moment. Then My heart melted ... She had so much style, class and such an apparent love for living. I finally asked her out but I felt like such an obvious cad, cheating on Joanna who I described to her as a girlfriend. I tried to smooth it over by suggesting that Joanna was a very speculative relationship. I get to call her today. Life is a wonderful adventure ...
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