Joanna
"watching her wild flowers bloom and harvesting apples."
Journal Entries for Joanna
OK, So what's the deal with shoes?
January 1st, 2008 4:57 pm MST
OK, So what’s the deal with shoes? I first dressed as a joke for a girlfriend but the joke sort of bombed. But the seemingly simple act of putting on a dress popped the cork on a whole load of bottled up emotions and feelings. All the emotions and feeling seem to be explainable by a few simple concepts. One explanation is just the simple sensuousness and eroticism of the clothes. The other more deeper explanation is finding myself midway on the gender spectrum and that Joanna is "recoil" from having been pushed into the full male role, especially having been in the military. Lots of explainable emotions there. So I know most of us just have come to accept and enjoy dressing without out questioning or trying to justify it to others. But I am curious about everything in this wonderful gift of life we have. I have always wondered why and asked questions ( a bad trait to have in the military). And I would really like to understand the totally illogical emotions attached to my new shoes. So what is it with shoes? My first pair of girl shoes were 6 inch platforms. So much easier to walk in because they were so much stiffer than the more conservative heels I initially intended to buy. They are so much fun for clubbing and attract lots of attention. They have the same fun and balance factor as my rollerblades. Finally the fetish factor is very high. So while those shoes are very explainable, I have little emotional attachment to them. But recently I purchased my second pair of girl shoes. I liked the colors, grey canvas with turquoise straps and a few small star shaped chrome studs. I love these shoes without explanation! They make me giddy and happy. Why? They have no fetish factor. They will not attract attention like the platforms. Why all the feel good emotions and deep attachment to them? I have very little emotional attachment to anything I own. About the only "things" I have any emotional excitement over are my two pieces of very high tech TIG and Plasma welding equipment. I call them the "Fingers of God" because they so cleanly cut and fuse seemingly indestructible elements. Very explainable feelings for something so incredibly awesome. So what is it with these shoes? Much can be learned by studying the extremes in nature. These shoes appear to be one of the extremes of my nature. So I would appreciate if anyone could offer an explanation for my unexplainable feel good emotion attached to these shoes.
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Re: OK, So what's the deal with shoes? Spirit June 4th, 2008 7:38 am MDT Like you, I have little personal time, so please forgive the fact that is has taken me so long to really look closely at your journal. Here's a post that segues into something i wanted to say to you anyway after reading that very sweet email you sent me. Shoes?! First off, there's no point denying it - we love them because they make us look pretty. I'm almost identical to you in the way I integrate two different and complete personas into a whole encompasses both without conflict. I feel neither the need nor the desire to Be Sue every moment, or even every day. Nonetheless, when I am Sue I LOVE to be pretty, especially cute as opposed to slutty (yeah yeah, I know im a bit of an exhibishionist, but I like wearing cute looking clothes when i'm exhibiting myself). Shoes make us pretty so we love them. I'm not shoe obsessed, but I do feel a delicious tingle when I find the right pair. I have three pair of sneakers (one of which im not sure about...), a pair of flats, a pair of 2" heels (i needed shoes and there were no 3"s in black at payless. Nine West was next door and it was really an act of self control not to just go there) and crappy boots which im going to chuck cause they dont show off my calves. I'd like some classy, sexy 3" heels and a crazy pair of "stripper" shoes just for fun. we'll see what happens... So far as, "why would i want to dress as a woman," I sometimes feel that way too. Until i get that visceral disorientation you mentioned at the emergenec of Sue. I'm as real a part of my wicked brother's bodhi as he is! So there's no point in denying or questioning the need to allow breathing room for the totality of your being. I certainly think at some point, our essence, call it what you will, is completely androgynous. We're just more sensitive to this condition than others. It's fine and my brother's learning not to question my needs anymore :) We're NOT a split personality, we're just two aspects that become mutually exclusive in certain cases, so, at that point, we trade off space and one of us naps in the 'ole cerebellum. One last: Fingers of God? I love it. Somebody recently gave me a Unitor MIG rig that i now use every now and then. Even though Unitor annoys me with all their proprietary fittings, a free MIG machine is a free MIG machine. Thinking about picking up one of those aftermarket xformer boxes so I can HeiArc with it, as well. Their pricy, but, after all, the gear was free. Be well and feel better. I recommend ginger tea (boiled ginger root with honey if you have a scratchy throat or brown sugar if you're phlegmy) also, if you have access, get a chinese herb called, "huang Chi" and boil it in soup. hugzz
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