Journal Entries for Tara Ann
Inner and outer identities.
September 3rd, 2009 8:51 pm MDT
I find interesting the common responses I get from friends when I come out to them as transgendered. It was always some variation to the theme, "It's ok, you are still the same person on the inside." This never really struck me as something to ponder over, as the person on the inside always said, "Well of course I am! Who else would I be?" I take the statement for granted, knowing to myself that I am who I am, but the implications of that simple statement are quite broad and address our self identity in ways that I never before realized.
From a friend's standpoint, it is not so much a statement but a question. They look for some acknowledgement and reassurance that our personality is not going to change along with our bodies. The friend is really saying, "you are still the same person on the inside, right?" While they are referring to the inner person, they are actually meaning the external identity they have been interacting with since they first met.
What complicates things is that our own self identity is hidden from outside eyes for most of our lives. We as transgendered people, do it as a matter of self preservation. Our true selves remain internalized and we develop from an early age, an outward identity to guard against the implications of being outed. While that outward identity contains all of the inner identity's personality traits, it is still a construct. More an abridged version of our inner-self constructed to guard against being outed and cleaned of obvious signs of the gender we identify as.
That outer identity becomes such a guardian that we treat it as if it were another person. I've often caught myself and witnessed others referring to that outer self as if it were another person entirely, sometimes as a suspicious stranger. As we transition, we treat that external self as someone with a terminal illness and our friends see a change of person as that outer self begins to fade away to reveal more of what we hid for so many years.
Ironically, to our friends we then become the suspicious stranger as these new aspects of our identity are revealed. They will mourn the loss of the familiar friend and will sometimes resent the person who replaced it. The result of which causes friends to distance themselves.
Perhaps when coming out to a friend, the next time they say, "you are still the same person on the inside." We should reply, "I am the same person to me, but as I begin to show you more of who I am inside it might make me seem different to you."
Coming out: a test of friendship.
August 20th, 2009 10:02 pm MDT
As with most transsexuals, I used to be afraid of being outed. It was a tangible fear of losing friends and loved ones just for being what I am. After all, nobody wants to be alone, abandoned by the people who would otherwise love and care for them. More than any other reason, this same fear prevented the start of my transition for many years and therefore prevented the beginning of a process that would make me a more complete person.
Perhaps out of a self-preserving desire to not add to the pain of being born different, we keep our secret. We choose to endure years of agony with our very own being than risk enduring the pain of losing friends and family. Ironicaly what adds to our mounting of depression is the guilt of lieing to our loved ones about who we really are. How long can that last? Well, years, as we see from countless stories of transsexuals who attempt to live a "normal" life until one day, they have to face the reality of what they are, tell their family and cross the bridge that spans their transition.
In my case I was thirty three years old when I told my fiancee and then shortly after ward, my sister. Still very much fearful of losing friends, I waited until after I had started on hormones, before I would tell more people. The fear existed but the start of my transition had given a need to build a support structure of friends that would be there to help me through the process. With each new friend that I told, I felt a liberation of a soul freed of fear which made the next person easier to talk to. It was the feeling many transsexuals describe as "gender euphoria" that became the drive to tell still more people.
Meanwhile a couple of friends who initially showed support and understanding were actuality not comfortable with what I was. In my euphoric state, it was hard to see the early signs of these friends quietly distancing themselves from my life. Over time, the realization hit me that these friends have treated my status as transsexual as something they were trying to ignore. By the time it became obvious to me, the damage had been done. These friends talked quietly amongst themselves about me with phrases like "*he's* only doing this for attention," or "*he* is selfish." Phrases that while not always spoken directly to me, were still felt through the changes in how those two friends interacted with me (or barely at all, as the case may be).
Like most transsexuals, I know that transition is hard on relationships. I know that it often breaks families apart and drives friends away. After all, it was the instinct that drove my early fear of coming out in the first place. I struggled to maintain a grasp on those friendships, not wanting them to fall away into the abyss and be lost forever, but fall away they did in a single night of emotion and tears.
It was not until after that moment when I sought to heal from the hurt I felt, that I fully comprehended how much coming out to a friend is a test of friendship. The revelation of such a major part of one's self puts everything at stake in the friendship. It says to the friend, "This is the bridge I must cross, please be there when I reach the other side." For many of us, we find few or even none of the faces to whom we have invested so much of our emotions and trust to greet us on the other side.
I had to fend off growing self-doubt as I dealt with the loss of these friends. My inner self, the one which had been steadily growing stronger and more confident had stumbled. As she picked herself back up, she reached out to her other friends for a steady hand and was greeted by many that not only picked her up but also dusted her off saying, "we are here and we are not going away." The inner-self soon realized that while some seemingly failed the biggest test of friendship ever presented to them, the others did not. Especially noted was how one friend closely involved with the other two, and while themselves still struggling to comprehend my transsexuality, had been one of the people to hold out their hand.
Through adversity, we learn very valuable lessons about life. I realised from my experience how coming out can separate the true friends from those who only want the title when it takes little effort on their part. It shows who is willing to be there to pick up the pieces when your world shatters and with a gentle hand put them back together.
Coming out to friends should not be something to be feared, but viewed as way to see clearly the friends that can accept you for who you really are. Had we done so with our friends from the very beginning, before we have so much of our heart invested into the relationship, we might then be spared the heartbreak of having found a friendship that was not true.
The best (and worst) week of my life.
March 31st, 2009 9:47 pm MDT
Well, my coming out tour went into full swing in the last month or so and pretty much added nearly all of my friends. Their support and acceptance of me was a relief and had me wondering why I had taken so long to tell them. I told my manager at work more as a friend than as an official, "look at me co-workers, I'm a girl!" All positive end empowering. I feel blessed to not have closed minded friends.
There is of course one exception, I did tell one person who turned around and told my worst enemy. Yes, I used the term worst enemy because this man left death threats on my phone, and harrassed me to the point I nearly got a restraining order and had him involuntarily committed. This worst enemy proceeded to post some hate on his myspace about the knowledge that I am trans. Strangely, I find myself ok with him knowing, I am so empowered by my new life that even he cannot bring me down from my newfound confidence. He is a bitter ugly person and will forever be trapped in that hate, what a fitting fate. I'll readily take the occasional negative reaction along with the overwhelmingly positive reactions and carry on.
Why fret on about something that you cannot control?
That reasoning lead me to the latest person I came out to... The one person I needed to tell was my mom and up until a couple of Sundays ago I was afraid, no, terrified to. She had come over to drop my niece off (yes, even my niece knows). I felt my heart pounding in my throat and I couldnt stop shaking. She had been sitting next to me for the better part of a couple of hours and I couldn't do it. So I turned on RuPaul's Drag Race to catch the final show of the season and maybe see her reaction. She made a comment like, "why would you watch this?" and started to get up to leave. This made made me go suddenly numb as the opportunity was fading away. I suppose that should have scared me away from even telling her but it didn't. I just told her I needed to tell her something important, and she sat back down. Still shaking I struggled with the words and then broke into tears and started to sob on her shoulder. I was afraid to lose her but so desperately needed her to know. Between fits of crying I told her my story that I kept inside since my earliest childhood memories. My mother just held me, she showed me the compassion and love that only a mother could have for their child. She told me that she would never leave me and then told me about members of my mothers side of the family that were the same. She showed more understanding than I gave her credit for. Shame on me for thinking she would fall back on religion and disown me. I continued to sob on her shoulder for the better part of two hours, a great weight was lifted from my heart.
This success left me feeling somewhat emotionally drained, but still feeling very good. At least up until mid week, when I recieved the news that a dear friend and her mother had been brutally murdered by her stepfather with an axe. I tried to make sense of it but there was no sense to it. She was not terminally ill, she was not very old, nor did she die in an accident, but was taken away by a singular act of violence at the hands of another human being because she happened to visit her mother that night, which coincidentally was Friday the 13th. I could not stop crying, everytime her smiling face came to mind it made me cry even harder. The thing is, I met and became friends with this girl because she desperately asked for my help. You see, ten years ago I protected her from the harassment and stalking of the person I refer to as my own worst enemy who, at one time, I had regarded as a friend.
That's how the best and worst week of my life went.
What a difference a year makes.
February 4th, 2009 2:26 am MST
I reflect on how I was a year ago and I see how far I have come as a transsexual and as a woman.
A year ago I was in a personal hell. I could barely stand to look at myself in the mirror for the man that I saw there. I was in such personal turmoil over the gender I was stuck with, that I would cry myself to sleep nearly every night over it. I would find as many mental distractions as I could cram into my waking hours as to not have an idle moment to think about my situation and become depressed over it. It seemed with each passing day, I was sinking more and more into despair. That despair would have ultimately sank me so deep that I probably would not be able to recover had I let it continue its course.
When I first started on hormones roughly eight months ago, I didn't know if it would help. I wasn't sure if anything could reverse the downward spiral. At first it was intimidating, I was starting on something that I would have to take for the rest of my life. So many fears ran through my mind at first: "Will I have a negative reaction to the drugs?"; "Would it even work for me?" "What if it had no effect, whatsoever?" All of these thoughts and more flooded my brain with doubts. I knew that it would take weeks before the first hints of any change would manifest. I had to remind myself daily of that fact. So I monitored myself constantly, which had the benefit of distracting me from thinking too much.
After a while, I started to see changes which gave me hope. My male musculature seemed to morph away into something more feminine. My face seemed to undergo some changes. My body hair took much longer to grow back in and in some areas stopped growing back all together. There was also the breast development and a little change around the butt and legs. Best of all was the sense of calm I was experiencing. I was no longer crying myself to sleep.
Over the next several months I experienced a subtle (most of the time) shift from feeling unsure and insecure about myself to becoming more confident as a person. It almost seemed as if I unlocked a door and let the woman inside out to stretch her legs a bit, only she took the keys and said, "I'll take it from here."
I now feel urges and desires to explore what it means to be a trans woman. To experience this life that my male side, aided by society's expectations, kept me from experiencing. To be happy, to enjoy the beauty of things, to shop, to cry during tv shows and movies and not get self conscious about it.
I don't know at what point it all changed for me, but I seem to have also lost most of my fear of people finding out I am a transsexual. The woman in me says, "So what if people know. Is it really a big deal if they find out?" I find it hard to find a compelling arguement to the contrary.
All of these changes within a year and I have many more ahead of me. I am excited to move forward and see what the woman I unleashed has in store for me next. I look back and know that I never want to return to what I was.
A wonderful evening.
January 24th, 2009 5:37 am MST
I was invited by a URNA friend to a local support group (thanks Kay!). It had been quite some time since I've been to one and did not realize how much I missed being in an environment of people who could relate to many of the things that go through my mind. It was a much needed part of my transition that I neglected since before I've started on HRT. Before, I went to those meetings to find my way,my path to becoming a woman on the outside. Then, I was not confident but scared. This time it was different, it felt more like I was coming to the meeting alot more complete. That the parts to my puzzle were coming together and the picture was starting to reveal the woman I was to become. The compliments and advice I received at the meeting were very encouraging and left me feeling somewhat euphoric.
Afterwards I went out with my significant other to a movie. This was the first time I had ever put myself in a crowd of people as Tara, and at first I was somewhat nervous. I knew in my head that most people, even if they did see me as a "man in a dress" they would not make a big scene about it. Even knowing that, I could not get rid of the knots in my stomach until I was there. Well, it happened and I did not fall apart, or get called out. I felt like I blended into the crowd, and it all felt so natural. I even traded smiles with a theater employee and carried on my merry way. It was the best experience I've had yet... passing in a building full of strangers.
It was a wonderful night that made me feel beautiful and want more moments like this.
A long overdue update
December 24th, 2008 1:33 am MST
It's been a while and thought I'd update on my transition for friends on URNA.
Last May I started taking Premarin and Spironolactone. At first, it was a bit rough though, the adjustment to less testosterone and more estrogen threw my already emotional self into a tailspin that, when coupled with depression made life look bleak for a while. After I got used to the dosage everything seemed to improve on the emotional front.
I've noticed a huge decrease in body hair which is wonderful. My legs stay smooth for a delightfully long time now. I lost a bit of muscle mass and weight (the weight seemed contrary to what my doctor warned about) though I'd like to be thinner in the middle section, but then again, what girl wouldn't. I've seen a gradual change to my facial features which has helped in the "passing" front. Even dressed as a boy I've been addressed as lady or ma'am, which has been encouraging. As far as breast development, I've grown quite a bit in that department. Enough to have to worry about the twins showing at work. I may have to find a better way of hiding it or I'll be forced to wear baggier clothes at work (yuck). All this development and other subtle changes to shape have made me think my timeline might have been a bit conservative.
The people in my life that know I'm transgenedered has grown to include three of my closest friends. Their support in the past few months has kept me going and has encouraged me to consider telling more friends. Maybe one day I won't have two lives but one, as Tara.
Update
December 26th, 2007 6:46 pm MST
Its been a while since I've posted but would like to give a quick update. I've been seeing a therapist for some time now and am at the cusp of starting hormones. She had given me much to think about as far as what my transition will look like over the next year or so: Laser hair removal, hormones, makeup and wardrobe choices, etc. I want to be at the end result right now, but know I have a jong journey. I have the determination to see it through, however. I want so bad to look in the mirror and see a woman staring back. One that is content with her outer and inner self, one that can fit in to a room full of people and be recognized as female.
an ironic situation
January 27th, 2007 4:23 am MST
I was just asked by a friend to be his best man at his wedding. Best MAN...wow. For someone who's deepest desire is to be a bridesmaid, or even a bride, it kind of set my thoughts spinning. How am I to be a best man? What am I supposed to really do? My friend does not know of my transgenderism. What if I am outed before the wedding? What if I am outed at the wedding? I accepted the job as "best man" but I am actually terrified at the responsibility. If I did anything to screw up a defining moment in that couple's life, I would not be able to live with myself.
One more milestone...
December 19th, 2006 10:58 pm MST
Well, last night marked a major milestone in my transition. It will become one of my most cherished moments because it marks the night I was able to talk with my sister about my feelings as a transgendered person. Thought I struggled through a veil of tears to find the words to explain my feelings, she sat there with understanding and empathy in her heart. Even though I felt deep down that she would be the most understanding, I was surprised at how accepting she was. She wanted to learn more about transgenderism and offered to go with me to support groups. While the subject changed to clothes, hair, makeup and other girl talk, I could feel the bond between us as sisters grow strong. Our talk went very late into the night but I didn't care, I wanted to tell her everything I held in during the years we grew up together. The emotions of my talk with her left today feeling a bit surreal in comparison. I looked on the world with a new confidence and had hold back the urge to just out myself at work and to everyone I met today. I think that my sister gave me the best Christmas gift ever.
Time to think.
December 17th, 2006 2:40 am MST
Washington state had a pretty bad windstorm this week which knocked out power to a good portion of the Puget Sound. My home, became one of the fortunate many to be in the dark and in the cold for a day. This became a chance for me to do some thinking about what I want for my life. Funny how it takes the removal of so many distractions available to us in our modern lives to force us to focus on matters we would rather put off. Topping the list was whether or not to have a conversation with my sister about what and who I really am. I feel the need to let her know and I feel an even greater need to have her support as a sister and friend. The scenarios played out in my head and I came to the conclusion that of all the people I could tell, she would be the most open. So I resolved to tell her at the first opportunity. That soon lead to wanting to tell more people, my friends, the rest of my family, my co workers. Like dominoes, the list of people stacked up that I wanted to tell and that I wanted to have accept me as Tara. How far am I willing to take this and how far will I really go? How much am I willing to risk to be happy? In the light of some candles and a fire in the fireplace, I decided that I need to be willing to risk more if I am to realize any of my transition goals. I have decided I definately want to start hormones and electrolysis soon (I am trying to avoid the temptation to self medicate), and I definately want to continue to move forward and not stop. I've resolved to get myself to a point where I can at least live my life outside of work as a woman. If I can reach that point, then I think I could muster the courage to go full time.
A family Thanksgiving
November 26th, 2006 5:22 am MST
I had a wonderful time visiting my family this Thanksgiving, but of all Thanksgivings with my family, this one was the hardest to sit through as a boy. I guess mainly because this was the first Thanksgiving after I had decided to take action on my gender identity. I felt the strong urge to reveal my feelings to my mother and sister while we were together as a family. I so wanted the acceptance and support of them, but was afraid to push them away at the same time. After all, how do you tell a mother that her only son wants to become her eldest daughter? I played through the scenarios in my head and could not find one that was easy or convenient. I instead put it off knowing that a)a holiday gathering is a terrible moment to choose to out yourself, and b)it would probably work itself out better when I am a little further along in my transition. I sure hope I am right.
Womanhood
November 20th, 2006 10:19 pm MST
When standing in line at a local grocery store, I did what I always did; I looked at the covers of the women’s magazines. Usually I will casually look at the beauty displayed there and wish I were looking in a mirror at myself. This one time was different, and my gaze fell upon a magazine cover with the picture of a pregnant woman. The woman was in her late term and her belly was bare, showing smooth skin and a healthy glow. I felt something at that moment that is hard to describe. It started in my stomach and move up to my heart, a pain and longing that I never ever felt before. I saw the picture and I wanted to be pregnant, I wanted to carry a child and give birth to her. That feeling gave me a certain numbness that I carried with me for the rest of the day. It wasn’t until I was lying in bed that I cried, knowing that I will never be able to experience that. No matter how much I can transform my appearance I will never be able to experience one of the defining moments of womanhood. That reality hurts more than any pain and makes my tears a little bitter. Because of that moment, I wondered if I could ever become a woman. SRS, hormones, FFS, would never give me the ability to become pregnant. Short of some major advances in medical science, the chances of that experience is non-existent. It forced me to ask myself, “can I ever truly become the woman I feel inside?” The answer is NO… and… YES. I know that I will never be a genetic female no matter how much I transition and for that I will always hurt a little. I will never experience the good and the bad of being born a woman. I will forever be denied the experiences a girl has while growing up and most importantly I will never experience being pregnant. Despite of all of that, I know that I want to be a woman externally as well was deep down. I want to be accepted and regarded as a woman by the world at large. That is something that can happen because the woman on the inside can make the woman on the outside, and I can truly be what I have always desired to be. I just have to have the courage and determination to see it through. ..And maybe pray for the miracles of medical science.
Support Group
November 16th, 2006 10:45 pm MST
Going to my first meeting was wonderful. I feel like something that had been stopping my development was removed and cast away. My transition has a bit more focus and with the help and advice I received, I can look to taking more steps toward identifying how my transition should be laid out and accomplished. I am glad to have gone and the euphoria I feel has given my inner girl a boost of much needed confidence.
Anticipation
November 15th, 2006 12:57 am MST
In my transgendered life I can point to firsts. Starting at around seven it would be my first time in a skirt. then my first time seeing a picture of a nude female and the desire to be female. The first dream of becoming and being a woman. The first moment I discovered I was not the only person in the world with these feelings. The first person I revealed my gender identity to. And more recently, the first time I logged onto this site and opened myself to others who were like minded. These moments are like bricks of a house, built one moment at a time and mortared by tears shed in the dark by a scared little girl who only wanted to come out and be who she should have been if not for nature's irony. Tomorrow, I add another brick. This one will be called "the day I sit down in a support group and meet sisters and brothers of the TG community." This one is important to me, because if I don't go, I would not have built a house but a monument to nothing. Tonight I will go to bed anticipating tomorrow and let the emotions of my journal entry shed more tears in the dark. I would like to dream of one thing...a house, complete, with raspberry trim.
COGIATI
November 11th, 2006 5:08 am MST
I took the COGIATI online and scored 355, classification 4 a "probable" Transsexual. Probable...transsexual...In my mind there is no probable about it. I felt like my inner female were slapped in the face by someone who said "you're not woman enough." After my initial stunned reaction, I read on... and I agreed with the suggestions laid out before me, though I already knew everything deep down in my heart. Though, something keeps me from just jumping into everything with both feet. That "something" can be summed up in one word.Fear.Fear, that my mother, my sister and my friends would not understand. Fear that I would lose my job. Fear that everyone who looks at me would judge me.So, I have a choice. Let my fear control my destiny or find the strength to overcome it. I know that above anything else, I need to move forward and am determined now to go to the next support group meeting.(Thank you Alley for the kind words, it helped more than you know.)
Frustration
November 9th, 2006 1:05 am MST
Well for my first journal entry I hoped to write something better... I tried to get in to see a therapist in the hopes of starting HRT the "right way," to be smart about my transition. Well, to my disappointment the doctor wasn't seeing any new patients. I have been looking but haven't had much luck, especially with finding a TG friendly physician outside of calling each one on my health provider's list and asking them outright.My next idea was to try and join a peer support group and maybe get pointed in the right direction there. Well that was tonight and I blew it. I chickened out and went home instead. Now I kind of feel like crying. I feel like I've let myself down in some way. That not moving forward with how I feel inside is going to cause my spirit to just evaporate and leave me a shell.
