URNotAlone

Inner and outer identities.

September 3rd, 2009 8:51 pm MDT

I find interesting the common responses I get from friends when I come out to them as transgendered.  It was always some variation to the theme, "It's ok, you are still the same person on the inside."  This never really struck me as something to ponder over, as the person on the inside always said, "Well of course I am! Who else would I be?"  I take the statement for granted, knowing to myself that I am who I am, but the implications of that simple statement are quite broad and address our self identity in ways that I never before realized.

From a friend's standpoint, it is not so much a statement but a question.  They look for some acknowledgement and reassurance that our personality is not going to change along with our bodies. The friend is really saying, "you are still the same person on the inside, right?"  While they are referring to the inner person, they are actually meaning the external identity they have been interacting with since they first met.

What complicates things is that our own self identity is hidden from outside eyes for most of our lives.  We as transgendered people, do it as a matter of self preservation.  Our true selves remain internalized and we develop from an early age, an outward identity to guard against the implications of being outed.  While that outward identity contains all of the inner identity's personality traits, it is still a construct.  More an abridged version of our inner-self constructed to guard against being outed and cleaned of obvious signs of the gender we identify as.

That outer identity becomes such a guardian that we treat it as if it were another person.  I've often caught myself and witnessed others referring to that outer self as if it were another person entirely, sometimes as a suspicious stranger.  As we transition, we treat that external self as someone with a terminal illness and our friends see a change of person as that outer self begins to fade away to reveal more of what we hid for so many years. 

Ironically, to our friends we then become the suspicious stranger as these new aspects of our identity are revealed.  They will mourn the loss of the familiar friend and will sometimes resent the person who replaced it. The result of which causes friends to distance themselves.

Perhaps when coming out to a friend, the next time they say, "you are still the same person on the inside."  We should reply, "I am the same person to me, but as I begin to show you more of who I am inside it might make me seem different to you."