Journal Entries for Kathi M Johnson
Decisions?
April 21st, 2012 6:49 pm MDT
For most of my life, I have been a size 36 A/B, which I always thought was a nice comfortable size. (My first bra, in my early teens, was a 32 A, but that was a while ago.) More recently, friends have suggested that I would look better as a C or D. A few have even said a DD would look nice - of course, they don't have to carry them or endure the stares! What is a girl to do? Seriously!
Any thoughts? Suggestions?
Out and About
July 19th, 2011 10:09 am MDT
Other girls ask me about going out. I started going out when I was about 14. At times when my family was not at home I would go for a walk as me, trying to avoid anyone who might know me. (It was also how I met the first man in my life.) After I started to drive, and as my wardrobe improved, I began going to the malls and to movies, usually alone but sometimes with male company. In college, I also began going to clubs and bars.
Tips:
Become comfortable with yourself - at home get used to being you - clothes, hair, makeup. Look at yourself in the mirror. If you have someone who can help, have them look at you.
Observe women as they go about their daily activities - how they dress, act, their appearance. Most do not overdoo hair, makeup or clothes. It is life, not a halloween party.
Decide upon who you want to be. You can be casual suburban, professional or executive, business casual, classy, school teacher, dressy middle class. Remember, you do not have to wear stilettos, stockings and short skirts - or even skirts at all - jeans and a sweater could work just fine! (Or maybe a classy business suit?)
When you do go out as yourself, accept that you will be nervous at first. Do not try to call attention to yourself. People are not all going to stare at you. You will find that most people will ignore you - after all, you are just another woman. Even if you are "made" most people will do nothing more than take a second look or maybe smile or laugh. Do not let this bother you.
If you do go to a bar, you may get hit on by guys - so be prepared and decide in advance if this is something you will enjoy. Remember that flirting can lead to more. For me, it is part of being me and part of being the woman I am.
Do plan to go out as often as you can. If possible, develop a relationship with another girl or a man. It is always nice and fun to have a companion or two. You will soon find that you are enjoying being the woman you are!
Lazy Summer Day
July 18th, 2011 9:57 am MDT
As I post this, I am wearing a pair of Levis leggings, vee neck tee top and flats, wearing fairly casual makeup - foundation, blush, mascara, eyeliner and shadow in a neutral shade and, of course, lipstick. Nothing fancy, just me. Far from the glamourous look I seek to achieve for a date where stockings and heels are expected. On a date, my dress can be anything from elegant to dressy casual, depending upon the plans for the evening, who my date is and my own mood. For me, having different looks is enjoyable, part of being a woman.
Why?
June 21st, 2011 10:33 am MDT
Why is it that is I tell someone I am gay, they have no problem with it and offer to fix me up with one of their gay friends who would be "just perfect" for me, but if I tell them I am TG, they back off and look at me as if I am some kind of freak? Sadly, even gay men seem to think that when I tell them I am TG.
Why is it that men who seek my companionship feel the need to reassure me that they are "straight" - whatever that is. Honestly, guys, I do not care about your orientation as long as you accept me for me.
Why do men ask if we are "passable" when many of them are barely passable themselves? Think about it the next time you are in a mall - how many of the GGs you see are actually "passable" as women? So many of them are outright slobs, devoid of any obvious gender.
Why can't men learn that a TG woman can actually be the best woman when it comes to companionship and understanding and fulfilling the needs of a man?
Reminesces
September 17th, 2010 8:07 am MDT
I have been going through my wardrobe, looking for things I no longer wear. In doing so, I have been finding "treasures". I found a note from a former boyfriend, which said "Kathi, I love you!" We were together for quite a while before we broke up. (tears) I found the blouse I am wearing in my profile picture - I thought I had discarded it. It brought back the bittersweet memories of the man I was dating who took my picture. (tears) I found some shoes and boots I had kept because they were expensive and I just "could not bear to part with them" because SOME day I might wear them again. Well, that day isn't coming and out they go. The same with some very frilly, girly blouses - I think I wore each of them 2 or 3 times on dates to the ballet, symphony or a more formal dinner.
I found a letter I had written to a one-time boyfriend - but did not send - telling him of my love and that if he asked, I would be happy to be his wife. We had such good times and he was so good to me and for me in so many ways. I wish it had happened. (more tears) I found my long-expired driver's license from my college days - Kathleen Marie ..................., sex female. It was so much easier to do that then. I also found my first tube of lipstick! I really cannot believe that I actually WORE that shade! It was a cheap schoolgirl brand, that I bought when I was 13 or 14, as Kathi began to blossom. It brought on a flood of memories, some wonderful and a few horrible. (Girls, you will know what I mean.) It also brought on uncontrolled sobbing.
Men
September 7th, 2010 11:34 pm MDT
OK, I confess, I do like men. Not all men, of course, but men in general. I guess I have since I was a little girl. The husbands would make a fuss over me when I went trick or treating with my older sisters, about how cute my costumes were! (Having older sisters, was always something like a princess or ballerina or gypsy girl.) As I reached my teens, I found men, especially older men, to be very attractive. It was at this time that Kathi began to blossom as a teen girl, so attention from guys was always flattering. At that time, I was quite thin - willowy actually - and wore my hair long, so was quite feminine. It was at this time that I began to be "involved" with some of the husbands from the families where I would babysit. That led to my first - and best - ltr while I was in college, where I lived ft as a girlfriend/wife/lover for over four years. Since that time, there have been other relationships, some with couples, some with other girls, but mostly with men.
I do think men are cool, especially guys who are self-assured, know what they want, enjoy being with me, treat me like a lady. A man with a sense of humor, who is gentle but firm, smells nice (that means is clean, maybe wears a hint of cologne), dresses neatly will really touch my heart. I am a very traditional girl, which means I take pleasure in being feminine and pleasing my man.
OK - it is so totally not fair! Every time I think my life is wonderful as a woman, a guy comes along and life is in turmoil! (No, right now I do not have anyone.)
Shoes
July 28th, 2010 1:46 pm MDT
A woman can never have too many shoes! We love them and men love seeing us in them. It does seem to be a truism that the hotter the shoe, the more painful it will be to wear! Oh, well - it is worth it!
I am sure most of us remember our first real pair of shoes. Mine were a pair of taupe D'Orsay pumps which a friend's mom gave to me when I was about 12. I doubt the heels were higher than 3", but I felt really grown-up when I was wearing them. They did help me to learn how women's shoes are sized. The first pair of shoes I actually bought was a pair of brown T-strap pumps when I was about 14, which I bought to wear with an orange wool skirt and beige blouse. They had 3" heels, which made me feel as if I was walking on stilts. While I preferred heels, for everyday wear, I stuck to flats, which were far more practical for babysitting and going to shows. Once I started dating, I quickly learned that guys really do like us in heels! While I did attempt to wear 4" and 5" heels, I still preferred 3", which were by then comfortable for walking and even running!
More recently, I have finally decided that I would wear 4" heels as my both "everyday" and "date night" heels, although I do still have some 3" heels and most of my winter boots are 3". Like so many girls, I am sure that I have more shoes than I really need, but am still always looking for that "perfect" pair of shoes!
As I type this, I am wearing a pair of 2" heel Ros Hommerson heels with criss-cross straps I bought some time ago for Irish Dance lessons. They are soooooo comfy! They do go well with black tights or stockings and a short skirt! I could walk all day in these and then dance the night away! Just a thought - while stilettos are sexy, lower heels can be both sexy and comfortab;e to wear!
About Kathleen Marie, a continuing series
June 16th, 2010 3:56 pm MDT
Kathleen Marie, Kathi to my friends, is a complex woman at the very least. She is a non-genetic female, who has known of and struggled with her identity most of her life. She attempted to deny her identity as a child; as a teen, she recognized that she was a very real person, whose name was at that time Kathy. It was during her teens that she began to blossom as a female and woman, although she continued to struggle with acceptance of who and what she was. The who is quite obvious, as a teen-aged girl becoming a woman. The what is trying to convince herself that she was not a freak of nature, often crying herself to sleep into her pillow, feeling that she was totally alone. She was fortunate in finding a male admirer who took a serious interest in her as a young woman and encouraged her development. His wife was understanding and also encouraged Kathy to grow and seek her identity as a woman. She was the one who helped Kathy navigate the complexities of make-up and clothing sizes. (Seriously - who ever dreamed up women's clothing and bra sizes?)
This is the first entry, more to follow..........hopefully!
