Journal Entries for Kathy P Webster
What Am I Doing Here?
January 4th, 2011 9:15 pm MST
The answer to the title, in short is, that I am here because I belong here.
It has been a long time since I posted an entry here, and a lot has happened.
I am totally open to my wife now, and she has become increasingly accepting. She even bought my 3 sets of pink slipper socks today. That is a sign of accetance.
Last weekend I appeared as full Kathy for the first time in her presence with others there. That was a big deal. I tried on a clothing gift that I recieved while visitng a friend. I went and changed, to full femme, with the cute jacket on that I had been gifted with. I sat next to my wife in a party dress, shoes, and the jacket while we drank champaign and chatted with our friends. It was a special evening. An ordinary evening in so many ways. It was not "wild", no, but it in a way it was as normal as life can be. I was just me, in the room. Comfortable, with friends, talking about whatever. It was not all about me, even though I ~did~ get a nice comment on my legs (thank you, you know who you are! lol). It was so comfortable to be like that, fully me, among others who all knew.
I always visit this site though, and if you ever wish to drop me a note or ask me anything, please do.
Mirror
September 10th, 2009 5:54 pm MDT
Just a qucik thought. I was sitting on the deck of our new apartment, a beer in hand (just one!), after work, staring at the beauty of the still green trees around me and the enjoying hte sinking sun, as I was getting my head together, and this popped into my head (as things sometimes do...): "The internet is my mirror."
So, I popped about 5 feet inside from where I was, to my computer, and here I am expounding on that very thought.
Well, it IS my mirror! If not for the internet I would not maintain my level of self-knowledge. The world, and the lifestyle I live in these days, is not all that affirming of my femininity, and even tries to deny and chip away at it. I am not giving in by any means, but I am "adapting" to trying to integrate all my formerly secret and unmingled worlds, and yes this is a process. I guess, one could say, I am trying to learn to live more "real" and honest, day by day, overcoming fears, and not just in the gender arena, dearies.
So, to keep this short, I just want to thank each and every one of you for being part of my "mirror". With all your help, I look at the mirror, and I see, finally, who I am.
Thank you, and yes I know this sounds fatuous, but in my way it's absolutely true ~
I love you all!
TG living as a CD (oh well!)
July 6th, 2009 9:02 pm MDT
An update is long past due.
I have been incredibly busy, of late. My wife and I are working better than we have for a long, long time together. She knows that I am Kathy now, and I dress around her now too. We are about to move into our own apartment soon, not far from the house we live in (but don't own), and that will afford us more privacy to be ourselves in all aspects of that phrase.
Basically, I am living like a closeted CD now, for my wifes sake, until (I hope) she gets more comfortable with it, and I will be again "allowed" out in public (haha). Yes, this is a huge compromise, but she has been so good of late, that I am willing to see where this goes, and will give her time to adjust to "the real me". I must say, living in such greater honesty with her is a HUGE relief, and yes a bit of a challenge too, as old ways are more embedded than you think sometimes and the old reflexes of hiding things must be consciously short circuited.
I do not really think of myself as CD, but as TG. I am partly out ... more out, at the time, than my wife is comfortable with, entirely. This, as they say, is compromise. I am well aware that I cannot compromise myself forever, and that no, I am NOT ashamed of who I really am, but for her sake, since she's trying so hard, I will give it time.
In the meantime, it is an exciting time. It is summer here at last. I splurged and bought a new summer dress today, a bit of an indulgence as we are definately watching the money these days. But I fell in love with this light casual dress this spring, and have watched its price go down in the store, waiting to spring like the wise little shopper I am becoming. Finally, it got down to 60% off, and I could wait no more! The green and whitle striped dress is mine to accessorize as I see fit (bwahaha).
I do hope all who read this are doing well. It is a trying time, a hard time, for so many, and while I have my tribulations to be sure, I feel very bad for all the pain that is out there for those without incomes, and wish them the best in finding the stability they need to settle their survival needs so that they can move on to becoming their true selves.
A Letter to You
October 5th, 2008 4:22 pm MDT
Hi Sweety! :) Thank you for reading this journal. I just thought it was time that I wrote an update here so that you would have some idea of where I am at, and maybe for myself too. Just writing about things is so very helpful in me sorting myself out and centering, which I need to do these days. Been so busy lately, and distracted in both good and bad ways, that I have not been able to sit down alone much and "find myself" in writing as I always used to. I am currently going to a transgender discussion group. I am not being "me" as much as I want these days, at least as far as dressing the part. I am working things out with my wife more and more. I do not know what this means. We are negotiating, it seems. On the other hand, I am "being me" more and more than ever.... by this I mean I am more and more outwardly acting my femme self (what I really am), and gradually pulling away the male mask, regardless of how I am dressed. I am quite aware that in the eyes of most of the world this is interpreted as me "acting gay". Fine. Whatever. They can figure me out, if they want to, as they learn more. I apologize to all whom I have not stayed in good contact with. I do feel bad about that, I really do, but since I am still married, and still employed (yay!), and still have family issues to deal with, I have limited time, frankly. So, I am truly truly sorry that I am not being a better friend. If these circumstance change, I will surely be moving more decisively to the "other side" - my femme side, my true side... and I will seek out others and be the good friend that I know I can actually be. My hair grows longer, my ears pierced... my body smoother all the time... slowly changing.... to the delight of some in my life, to the chagrin of others. I am a bit of a shock to relatives who haven't seen me for a while. To them I am a hippie or something like that I suppose. I am not announcing myself to just anyone yet. But perhaps to those who know a thing or two, if they see me, they might guess what I am? I wonder. This will be a rough ride I suppose, I've heard the warning over and over from others... not that I won't do it... I am not the most decisive person, but I find myself relentlessly moving in this direction. As I've heard said, "it never goes away". To my experience, it doesn't. Not really. I don't want to fight it either. I am not pretending to myself anymore. That is long gone. I think I will post some more pics here soon, just cuz it is fun to do. I have been taking some lately. The newest pic is of me with my real hair... most of the newer ones are. It is now almost as long as my beloved red wig in the earlier pics! I just wish i had more in front, as I am an unfortunate victim of frontal recession. Having a boy body really sucks sometimes. Ok, a lot of times. Ok, well, all the time. But don't worry dear, I am figuring out how to make the most of it and live life more and more as I should. Thanks for reading honey. Love, Kathy
Compliments from Men
August 17th, 2008 10:40 pm MDT
I admit it, I love it when men compliment me. I stuns me still, and makes me feel very, very, flattered. I have limited experience with men, and I tend to be quite attracted to other TG people, actually. But when a guy says something nice to me, it makes the long-repressed female inside of me (well, not so much these days) jump for joy and say "Yes! You see? See? See?" I know that there are a lot of reasons that this is debatable ~ affirmations from others in general is very powerful, but our strength should really com from inside, etc. ~ but a compliment from a man just touches off some bit of (well, what is it?) pride, self-esteem more than the rest? Maybe I am just so happy that others find me desirable. But no, it's more than that ~ it's the idea that ~men~ would find me desirable, as a female, that is so powerful. It is not even so much a sexual thing (I tend to go both off in all directions on that, it seems), and I'm sure it is quite shallow. Of course it is! But these shallow things can feel so profound sometimes.
On My Knees In a Dress (Not what you're thinking! lol)
June 8th, 2008 10:05 pm MDT
Today, I tried on some dresses that a dear friend bought and said I could try on. She was not home, but she allowed me in to try them on. Some were so-so, others were wonderful. The wonderful ones were so wonderful that i got on my knees and prayed that I could be a girl. Now I know this is odd on several levels. First, I do not profess to be particularly religious, just a bit mystical with a strong streak of humanism, the mysticism like the thin carmel swirl in a flavored ice cream But, I must confess, I was sincere. I felt so vulnerable at that moment, and I was admitting to myself, deeply, at last ~ and professing to the universe ~ that YES I wanted to be female! Of course I do! I was begging. Now, I know that I missed out on true girlhood by a few decades. But, I have to admit that my female self feels younger than my chronological years. Still, let's face it - I am a middle aged woman, not a girl. But in the passion of the moment "girl" seemed like the more emotionally honest term. The other odd thing is - I already AM female! I've known that for a long time. At least my brain is, I know that. Even my wife has admitted that. But of course what I was really praying for was the continuation of the bliss, the peace that being this woman/girl I saw in the mirror brought me. It felt so right. I saw me. The wonderful people I have been meeting lately have given me hope in a new, more honest life. Trans people from all stages and walks of life, certain friends and even my therapist. My wife tries to talk me out of it, and this causes me great confusion. But by praying, I was admitting, full-out, that this was what I wanted. I wanted to be free to be me. And this was me, this woman I saw in the mirror. I have said this before of course, so many times. But this time, it was deeper, more significant to me personally... I KNEW I meant it. I knew the deep truth of it. And I saw in the mirror the woman I so badly wanted to be, humble, on her knees, praying to be a girl. I started to fall in love with this woman, as we all must love ourselves to have the strength to do what is right for us. I am starting to understand and respect myself a bit more. I am starting to learn to love myself.
Kathy's Update
March 25th, 2008 8:29 pm MDT
Hello Everybody! My writing here has been rather quiet of late (ah-hem), but my life has not. Just wanted to give you all an update of my incredibly interesting life (ok just a tad bit of an overstatement, hm?). Last month a dear friend came up from Florida to visit, and I got together with several others from the area, and had a very good time talking, shopping, eating out, going to clubs. It was truly one of those things that is way more important as a life marker, to me, than it may sound when simply described in these words. It helped tell me a few things about myself. Well, more like confirm things rather than new revelations, actually. The kind of insights that you dear friends and readers of URNA would probably guess and know anyway without my going into too much repetitive detail. And then.... I went to a therapist for the first time in my life! I was quite nervous. Well, to be honest, it was a bit of a disappointment. It was mostly an informational interview style thing, and at the end the therapist admitted she was not qualified to deal with me. It was a little amusing though, to get flashes of a bit of that "deer in the headlights" look from her as I described my life and issues with her. Oh well, it was a learning experience, and I am looking around now for a real, local, qualified therapist specializing in gender identity issues. I am growing and learning and still striving to realize that it is ok for me to "follow my happiness" in a real way. I just want to say hello to everyone, and wish you all well and let you know that I feel a great affection for all here. ~huggs~ Kathy
slow learner
December 14th, 2007 9:57 pm MST
Well, it finally happened - i have a friend! (lol!) Thank you Muriel!No, really I don't think I am friendless, it's just that i am getting more active on URNA, and am bothering to figure out how to solicit friends to my profile. Why is that? Why now and what took me so long? Maybe because I am finally feeling confident enough to do so. Maybe because I am feeling a greater need all the time to communicate with others who understand what I am, and what I am going through. Obviously to all here the common phrase is, "it's not going away". Nyuh-uh, it itsn't. It really, really, isn't. And that, really, is a blessing. It is who I am, and "I" am not going away, "I" am arriving. It is fun being who I am, the only painful part is dealing with "who others thought I was". But more on all that later. I am still a bit of a baby to this, and am have come out to only a few people so far. My pace could be considered pathetic, I suppose, but I am being cautious. And with the patient help and loving-kindness of a dear, dear friend and mentor, i see a door in my life. You know who You are, and thank You! Love, kathy;)
My anniversary blurb :)
December 2nd, 2007 7:28 pm MST
It has been some time since i posted - and my one year anniversary on this site has come - so this post is in honor of that. Lately it has been a rather difficult personal time for me, which of course means a time of growth. i remain ~delighted~ with my still growing acceptance and discovery of who i really am, and how ~comfortable~ i am in this process. No i am not full time, but i could see that happening someday, yes. i don't mean that everything is a cake walk, as few things in this life seem to be - but how is it that i still feel like a sunny, happy person inside, no matter what? Perhaps it is because i am moving towards the truth. i have come across some girls who have not "accepted me into their club" for reasons i will not detail here for now - and yet i feel no enmity to them, and wish them well. i feel like i have grown from my interactions with them anyway. Am i being Pollyannaish or what? lol Water under the bridge. i realize i do have a tendency to see things and people more as i wish than how they may actually be. Perhaps this is a fault, i admit.Anyway - i send my many thanks to all you lovely girls and ladies out there, whom i feel honored to be a part of. Thanks URNA! hugs n' kisses,kathy
Just Being Me
September 15th, 2007 7:36 pm MDT
i realize i am SO much more comfortable around people who know that i am tg, or whom at least think i am a "crossdresser" - even though i know it's more than that. It let's me really be myself, without any mask or guard on. i see the old fake parts of me fading away... those that i had. i was never all that believably masculine anyway, believe me!Actually, i find that i am acting more and more myself around people anyway, not really caring to hide. Since i do not yet dress full-time in appropriately gendered clothes, this leads to some varied conclusions about what i am, i'm sure. Oh well. i am getting more and more comfortable just being me, and someday soon i hope to "just be me" more in appearance as well as behavior. i know this day will come. And to all you friends who know me as the person i "really" am already - thank you!! The small but growing circle of r/t friends and acquaintances who know about me has been supportive, and all you very nice people on this site (of course!) have been an inspiration.
Birthday!
August 27th, 2007 6:38 am MDT
i opened up my email today, slightly down, to find many WONDERFUL comments from friends on URNA -- oh what a pick me up! Thank you all for remembering me on my birthday - this really makes me tear up, but in a happy way. This is a very kind and caring community, and i love you all. You are so sweet! For my birthday, i will resolve to be the best girl/lady that i can be. Happy, teary hugs, kathy :)
Untitled Post
July 31st, 2007 8:10 pm MDT
i haven't posted here for a while, so here i go! i really should apruce up my "place" here a bit - maybe newer photos? That would be nice. Many thanks to the wonderful and cute ladies who have asked me to be listed as friends - i am moved by this every time! i am a bit of an emotional girl at the oddest times, and i hope that i never lose touch with this part of me. Just wanted you to know that i am still very much here, and learning and growing in my r/l experiences as well as from online friends. There will be much more of kathy to come! Take care--love, kathy
Chiffon Dress
January 7th, 2007 8:57 pm MST
i recently had the thrill of trying on a long chiffon gown, and it sent me into a blissfully girly state. i was just trying it on, for a brief period. my brief experience with a chiffon gown reinforced in me all that i love about my gender explorations. i was so happy, happy happy with that gorgeous black and white long gown on... and the feeling lingered for some time after. i felt so pretty in it! It felt good to hold it up with my hands as i walked up the stairs. i loved the additional curves it appeared to give me. i loved the sound of its rustling as i walked. i loved its snug grip on my upper body, holding me to a promise of expressing my femininity better all the time.
Happy New Year
January 1st, 2007 4:04 pm MST
Happy New Year everyone! This past year has been an eye-opening, exciting one for this girl, and i hope - even expect - that this new year will hold more. i sincerely hope for a wonderful year for all of you, it truly IS good to know that "i am not alone" and that you are out there. May all, or at least a good deal of your wishes come true (ok - what would be the fun in having them all at once? No time to savor them!)my love to you all.... kathy
Wow - thank you Everyone!
November 26th, 2006 9:09 pm MST
Wow - what a warm welcome from so many! i am very happy to meet all of you, and if i have not been as responsive as i sometimes think i should be, please accept my apologies. i look forward getting to know the wonderful people here.
