URNotAlone

On My Knees In a Dress (Not what you're thinking! lol)

June 8th, 2008 10:05 pm MDT

Today, I tried on some dresses that a dear friend bought and said I could try on. She was not home, but she allowed me in to try them on. Some were so-so, others were wonderful. The wonderful ones were so wonderful that i got on my knees and prayed that I could be a girl.

Now I know this is odd on several levels. First, I do not profess to be particularly religious, just a bit mystical with a strong streak of humanism, the mysticism like the thin carmel swirl in a flavored ice cream But, I must confess, I was sincere. I felt so vulnerable at that moment, and I was admitting to myself, deeply, at last ~ and professing to the universe ~ that YES I wanted to be female! Of course I do! I was begging.

Now, I know that I missed out on true girlhood by a few decades. But, I have to admit that my female self feels younger than my chronological years. Still, let's face it - I am a middle aged woman, not a girl. But in the passion of the moment "girl" seemed like the more emotionally honest term.

The other odd thing is - I already AM female! I've known that for a long time. At least my brain is, I know that. Even my wife has admitted that.

But of course what I was really praying for was the continuation of the bliss, the peace that being this woman/girl I saw in the mirror brought me. It felt so right. I saw me. The wonderful people I have been meeting lately have given me hope in a new, more honest life. Trans people from all stages and walks of life, certain friends and even my therapist. My wife tries to talk me out of it, and this causes me great confusion. But by praying, I was admitting, full-out, that this was what I wanted. I wanted to be free to be me. And this was me, this woman I saw in the mirror. I have said this before of course, so many times. But this time, it was deeper, more significant to me personally... I KNEW I meant it. I knew the deep truth of it.

And I saw in the mirror the woman I so badly wanted to be, humble, on her knees, praying to be a girl. I started to fall in love with this woman, as we all must love ourselves to have the strength to do what is right for us.

I am starting to understand and respect myself a bit more.
I am starting to learn to love myself.