URNotAlone

A Letter to You

October 5th, 2008 4:22 pm MDT

 
 
Hi Sweety!   :)
Thank you for reading this journal.
I just thought it was time that I wrote an update here so that you would have some idea of where I am at, and maybe for myself too.  Just writing about things is so very helpful in me sorting myself out and centering, which I need to do these days.  Been so busy lately, and distracted in both good and bad ways, that I have not been able to sit down alone much and "find myself" in writing as I always used to.
I am currently going to a transgender discussion group.  I am not being "me" as much as I want these days, at least as far as dressing the part.  I am working things out with my wife more and more.  I do not know what this means.  We are negotiating, it seems.  On the other hand, I am "being me" more and more than ever.... by this I mean I am more and more outwardly acting my femme self (what I really am), and gradually pulling away the male mask, regardless of how I am dressed.  I am quite aware that in the eyes of most of the world this is interpreted as me "acting gay".  Fine.  Whatever.  They can figure me out, if they want to,

as they learn more.  
 I apologize to all whom I have not stayed in good contact with.  I do feel bad about that, I really do, but since I am still married, and still employed (yay!), and still have family issues to deal with, I have limited time, frankly.  So, I am truly truly sorry that I am not being a better friend.  If these circumstance change, I will surely be moving more decisively to the "other side" - my femme side, my true side... and I will seek out others and be the good friend that I know I can actually be.  
My hair grows longer, my ears pierced... my body smoother all the time... slowly changing.... to the delight of some in my life, to the chagrin of others.  I am a bit of a shock to relatives who haven't seen me for a while.  To them I am a hippie or something like that I suppose.  I am not announcing myself to just anyone yet.  But perhaps to those who know a thing or two, if they see me, they might guess what I am?  I wonder. 
This will be a rough ride I suppose, I've heard the warning over and over from others... not that I won't do it... I am not the most decisive person, but I find myself relentlessly moving in this direction.  As I've heard said, "it never goes away".  To my experience, it doesn't. Not really.  I don't want to fight it either.  I am not pretending to myself anymore.  That is long gone. 
I think I will post some more pics here soon, just cuz it is fun to do.  I have been taking some lately.  The newest pic is of me with my real hair... most of the newer ones are.  It is now almost as long as my beloved red wig in the earlier pics!  I just wish i had more in front, as I am an unfortunate victim of frontal recession.  Having a boy body really sucks sometimes.  Ok, a lot of times.  Ok, well, all the time.  But don't worry dear, I am figuring out how to make the most of it and live life more and more as I should.  
Thanks for reading honey.
Love, 
Kathy