URNotAlone

I Had A Dream. (OK AbbA Was Have A Dream)

August 17th, 2008 5:16 am MDT

Finally I have time to sit at this keyboard and write and tell you what happened after my last journal entry, I have been composing it in my mind since, and in my head its all very clear, I hope can convey the story to you.   A quick recap first. Sitting at home with and wife and her sister recently, I got the impression that my wife had told Debbie about me being a CD , because after a few drinks Debbie suggested we could have house party and watch Mamma Mia the movie. As it is a chick flick only girls could go to the party, but if it was fancy dress, I could go then. And although she never suggested directly that I should dress as woman, neither did she suggest any male based outfits.   To say I was floored by what happen that night would be an understatement. I was sure I was out. But I could not take the chance and say yes “I will dress up and go to the party”, first I had to figure out had my wife shared my secret with her sister? It was possible; we are very close to her. If she had told Debbie, I would be delighted I would love her to know, but my wife has always been very protective of my CDing, and won’t even take a picture of me. So I reasoned rather than take what I perceived as an opportunity to come out, I would do what I had done in the past on the odd occasion when someone would suggest at Halloween that “you should go as a Woman” or when watching a movie or TV and there is a Girl who turns out to be Guy, and they say “Would’ve it be fun to make you up like that”. I would always pretend that I had no interested or did not hear them.   There was no opportunity later that night or next morning for me to speak to wife. I went to work and wrote my last journal entry. I could not think of anything else all morning and had to go home at lunch time to find out did she tell Debbie? So straight in the door and nothing is said, I wait a little still no comment , I had to ask “what hap pent last night? “  She looked puzzled, “Does Debbie know about my dressing up? you told her didn’t you?”  . A bit too quickly she said “Of course not I’m never going to tell anyone about that”. To me this was the wrong answer, because I wanted to be out, and how else do you explain last night’s conversation. “But, but, but”, I told her all my reasons why I thought what I did. She dismissed them and said that Debbie did not mean anything by what she said. I had taken it all the wrong way.   I was disappointed; I so wanted it to be true, at least I had the dream for a few hours. I still hope that someday that something like this will happen to me, and maybe next time someone suggests that I dress up I should say “Yes I ‘d love too”.