Katrina Evans
"moving on, wishing she could only have done more."
Journal Entries for Katrina Evans
Follow up to last post
January 6th, 2008 12:53 am MST
Well what about this year? Here is what I found.
Year 2008 Overview
Provided by Astrology.com
Aries
New opportunities arise this year, resulting in a positive turn for your career. You will learn to master your energy to meet your goals. You are good at taking leadership, and you'll make deep, transforming changes and tap into this abundant energy in new and dynamic ways. Even though you may feel pulled to accomplish great things, you will still be able to keep balance in your personal life and your energy alive and renewed. Amidst this change, you will be able to remain mentally focused. You may become more methodical and practical than usual in managing your responsibilities. Stopping to think things through carefully will impact you and your surroundings in a very profound and positive way. Seize the opportunity to think things through during the first few months of the year. Even though you enjoy beginning new projects, make the time to relax a bit to complement your natural tendency toward activity, both physical and otherwise. As you successfully achieve your career goals this year, it will be important to maintain a watchful eye over the security of your family life. You may find yourself doing some remodeling in your home and you will take pleasure in spending more time and energy enjoying the creature comforts you have created. You will cultivate good relationships through the end of the year, which will reflect positive changes in your life. Your will enjoy socializing more than usual. You will be networking and connecting with different types of people from all over the world and it will feel like a breath of fresh air. As your career takes off, it will be much easier than usual to express yourself with warmth and charm. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now as always this sort of thing is all about self interpretation but I find it a bit encouraging with all the doom and gloom predictions for this year (soaring gas prices, recession, falling stocks). I see it as a sign that all that I have been working towards will work out in the end, especially on the career front. From this, I will be better off and Katrina will continue to develop. The only thing I find troubling is the part about family life security. I take this as a warning to avoid taking unnecessary risks particularly in my resent experiment with coming out. It may be best to think this over a bit more. It also involves when to, if ever to, come out to my parents. I just really find this to be a ray of hope for this year and will have to work to make it a reality.
Final thoughts on 2007
December 30th, 2007 1:18 am MST
Not that I am big into astrology but sometimes I like to take a look at my horoscope for fun or perhaps a bit of inspiration. Well, during the middle of the year I came across this 2007 outlook for myself.
Year 2007 Overview
Provided by Astrology.com Aries Motivation and hard work will help you recreate your life, giving you new opportunities in your career this year. Change is in the air. Go forward and walk through the doorways that life is opening for you. The positive energy you have cultivated will pay off in big ways. Work has always been very important, but you may start feeling some confinement or restriction in your freedom to be who you want to be. While you are in the process of enhancing your career, take stock of yourself and reconnect with your roots and what you want to achieve. A new cycle of blessings is on its way and your life will be totally transformed. You'll know instinctively what it is that will give you the balance and connectedness you need to make the right choices. A new relationship coming your way will really perk up your interest as well. Get out that swimsuit and get ready to spend some exotic moments in the sun with the new person you're attracting into your life. You will be getting out of the house more and a surprising change of focus will be take place. The home you have created is nurturing and gives you a place to retreat. The relaxing atmosphere helps you feel secure. You have a wonderful chance to explore far away places this year. You could travel to locations that stimulate your emotions and bring you to a new level of happiness. Go for it! You will be supported financially and these opportunities will transform your life in ways that you've never imagined. Stretching your spirit will encourage a complete metamorphosis in your life.
It kind of struck a cord with me and offered me some optimism. I was particularly interested in the prospects for career change. Well this never worked out as I had hoped and really paid little attention to the rest. The transformation and inner search; Non-other then my development as Katrina with the help of URNA. While I am a bit disappointed that I was unable to make much headway in monetary and career advancement goals, unlike last year, I have at least grown personally. I thank all that have reached out to me with support and hope to further our relationships. I learned more about who I am and understand why. A lot was achieved. For that, I can never call 2007 a failure but can look forward to the coming year and be ready for the challenges I will face. I think 2008 will be a very interesting year but also a very difficult one and will push me to my limit. Only time will tell.
To all, Happy New Year and stay safe.
Light at the end of the tunnel.
December 1st, 2007 11:30 pm MST
As I have mentioned in past journal posts, I am generally dissatisfied with where I am in life and am working to make changes. Years ago I made some poor judgments and final choices and am now paying the price (literally). Today I reached a milestone and the end of this chapter in my life is in sight. I was hoping to push things ahead and end the debt by my 27th birthday but I think the more conservative date is rather appropriate. I haven’t given it much though as to how this would all end other then the sooner the better but this is perfect. Amortization of the debt: July 4, 2008!!!! What better way to begin the next chapter in my life then on Independence Day?
How URNA improved my life, a work in progress...
November 25th, 2007 12:36 am MST
Well the year is coming to a close and it appears that the career issue will not come to a solution this year. At least I have an idea of how I want to solve the problem and involves something far more ambitious then what I considered at the beginning of the year. The goal now is to make a change that I can be nearly completely satisfied with and would not find myself questioning it after the first month. I also know now that changing just to increase my hourly rate by a couple dollars is not worth it since I would loss benefits and paid vacation time. Not to mention I have a lot of freedom at my current primary employer that I would not have elsewhere. I just hope that things come together soon because the future I want for myself depends on it.
On a brighter note I must say that personally I have come a long way with the help of URNA. It has allowed me to express myself as Katrina and better understand who I am. Looking back and presently, I can see explanations for my behaviors and interests that are not exactly those associated with guys my age. I generally attributed it all to being a little eccentric and having an IQ higher then most. If I now include a gender factor, it all makes complete sense. Now as far as taking things to the next level and meeting people from here on URNA, that will have to wait until I finish cleaning up all of my problems with my life. How long? Perhaps, a year or two. I can go on and on but I want to mention one other benefit that came to mind only recently. After leaving college at the end of 2003 I became disconnected with the Internet, though I must admit that I wasn’t as tech savvy then as compared to my peers. I mean the simple act of daily email and visiting websites for news and information became a thing of the past. The only exception being online brokerage and banking. That all changed this year after coming on URNA…oh and finally getting a credit card. I have since gotten the hang of online posting, made online purchases, and only in the past two weeks gotten involved with Ebay. I have already used Ebay twice to obtain items to complete projects at work saving my company money. Also used it for obtaining some things I have wanted for years and currently bidding on a nice cashmere item for Katrina. I always wanted something like this, nice Christmas present for myself if not a bit expensive but I can splurge once. Anyway, URNA has gotten me back into the Internet and this has been my second great accomplishment for 2007. As for goals for 2008, that will have to wait till another time.
One somewhat happier girl,
Katrina Evans
P.S. Thank you URNA and everyone I have communicated with there. Happy Holidays!!!Katrina as an Improvement
July 22nd, 2007 12:48 am MDT
While a lot of time has been spent mentioning my problems in life, I didn’t get involved with URNA just to have a place to vent. I have come to a realization that I have failed to mention much concerning myself as Katrina. My time dressing has been very limited and venturing out for late night drives, is what it is. I really don’t even know how I manage to do what I do given that I clock in 72 hours at work, plus spend another 8 away from home, and have to do everything in secrecy at home. That said, I mention in my profile that my body has become more and more masculine over the years. Part of this has to do with becoming a bit overweight after about age 17. Well a few changes in eating habits and I am currently down to my weight from 10 years ago, 155 pounds at 5’ 6.5”. When I came onto URNA in March I was 175. I look at this as an attempt by me to rebuild myself physically. This was something I have long ignored but always suspect was something I needed to do in the larger equation of life. I also put my medical insurance to some use and seeked treatment for acne and foliculitis. Again, something I ignored for years but has always been a bit of a problem. Things have improved nicely. Also spent a little time under a tanning bed (nothing to ridiculous), which has had a number of benefits. The most important of these being feeling better which probably has something to do with so much of my body not seeing the light of day for so many years and vitamin production. I now look and feel younger (some people are beginning to address me as young man!!!). Unfortunately this might not be the best thing when trying to get into some of the jobs I am after. This is great when en femme and has lead to trying out a few new and old things. Some examples include wearing pants and jeans for a more everyday look (helped by the fact that my mothers stuff fits me now), a bathing suit top which for once actually looked right on me, and for fun wearing only a guys dress shirt with hose and heels. The only problem is that most of the clothing I own don’t fit anymore. This is only the beginning of where I am headed which is to achieve a more androgynous appearance with time. There will be more updates to come.
Murphy's Law
July 11th, 2007 9:03 pm MDT
While this isn’t the first time I have seen anything that could go wrong, do just that, I am amazed by how this one has progressed. Family problems, injury, property damage, career problems, insurance issues, and just plain rage. Everyday since Friday has had something. This streak has to end at some point, hopefully soon. Otherwise I will go insane, wait…that hoped years ago, who am I kidding
Bleak April
May 5th, 2007 12:47 am MDT
Last month will go down in my mind as one of the worst in a long time. Nothing great happened and it seemed everything I touched blow up in my face. About two-thirds of the way into the month I reached a point of absolute disgust with myself and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Much of this is over a realization of unaddressed issues in my life that I have allowed to hold me back. The biggest of these being failing to replace one of my jobs that I started back in October of 2005. It quickly became apparent that it was a dud long ago and I made the same mistake I made back in college and promised I would not make again. That was if my gut feeling is that I am barking up the wrong tree, then I had better change the situation. Instead I become delusional to my gut feeling and try to take pride in my attempt and expect things to improve with time. After much arguing with myself in one of my semi-psychotic episodes, I concluded that my main problem is a lack of passion...Then again, why am I even trying to explain all of this!!!!!!! To make a long story short, I concluded that yes I f*cked up and I f*cked up again by letting things play out (and snowball) not in my best interest. That saved me 5000 words!!! So it may be a year late but it is time to take some initiative and make a change. I have identified possible and practical replacements so its time to act. 2006 was a year of stagnation and I set a goal for 2007 to be a year for reinvention. I also began to question whether getting involved with URNA was really something I should be doing at this point in my life. I concluded that it is actually a very positive part to my life and fits into my reinvention. I set a lofty financial goal for myself and have stepped back just a bit. Instead of worrying about the dollar amount I am more interested in the means to the end. So even if things take the rest of the year to pan out, as long as I have the means to the dollar amount for 2008 in hand by the end of the year, I have won. Hopefully the next journal post will be a positive result. I think it is time to put this to rest. There is just too much to write about that was wrong with April and it is just too depressing. I really need to find something better to write about in the future.
P.S. - To anyone who I communicated with in the past month, you have no idea what a help you have been.
Birthdays
April 1st, 2007 10:38 pm MDT
Sunday came and went. I now pass into the 26th year. I think back to when I was younger and remember the anticipation and joy of having a birthday party and receiving gifts. I remember when asked my age answering with “…. and a half”. After about age 18, I stopped keeping track of my age. Instead of recalling a number it was simply a case of mental math: current year minus 1981, taking into account current month, and oh yeah, I’m ---- years old. My 21st birthday passed without the common practices of my peers (then again I don’t drink), just another day preparing for an exam the next day. Today I tend to try getting through the day without anyone knowing. While many tend to look upon birthdays as a celebration of life, I find myself using them to reflect on my failures. Such was the case today. At age 26, I have yet to live up to my personal goals and fear that I am running out of time. The past ten years have been filled with few highs and many lows and missed opportunity. Little can be done to change this. It started with a burn out in 1998-1999 followed by coasting, which lead to a complete crash and burn at the end of 2003. Since then I have made slow progress but have lost most faith in my own judgment. I am particularly critical of how I have gone about this progress and see errors in judgment and action and lack of being proactive and selling myself short. Again little can be done to change this. The only positive thing to come out of this is motivation to change and reach new goals. Also I am becoming aware that one of the most limiting obstacles resulting from 2003 can and will come to an end in one-years time, assuming I reach my financial goals between now and then. So, perhaps my 27th will be a cause for some celebration. The problem still remains that I am getting older and fear the need of career change and training that may take me beyond age 30 to only end up where I wanted to be now. The Big 30 in my mind represents the point where life should begin to come to stability. As long as I have my health, I will continue to fight back. This brings me to my final point. My greatest fear is being unable to fight. My life centers on fighting in the present to create the future. I know well the error of procrastination and excess leisure after talking to my elders and seeing their problem of being unable to fight back. Enough for now....
After A Week on URNA
March 24th, 2007 9:42 pm MDT
One week has past since I set up my profile. 8 pictures, 10 rating votes, several contacts and 2 friends … I would say that was a good start. Love the support and feedback and seeing others like myself. Besides seeing the reaction of others I have begun to examine myself. Until now, only one person beside myself knew about my dressing, my brother. His reaction was intrigue and perhaps slight interest followed by quick denouncing. I believe he referred to it as “cross-dressing faggotry”. While I think his real problem was the questions raised in his own mind he was also concerned about his own image should I be discovered back in our teen years. Well we are at least 500 miles apart now so that’s that. Does he know about me on URNA? No, Would he be happy if he found out? No, Do I really care? Not really. As for myself, my interest in dressing up until about 4 years ago was purely for self-gratification. Since then I began to realize that there is more to it, or perhaps it evolved. My presence on URNA is in a way placing all of the pieces of the puzzle together in one place. I am beginning to see that a female persona exists in me. Does this mean that I want to go on HRT (the do it yourself method) or have plastic surgery or give up my current life to pursue or imitate another life? NO!!!! Though I regretfully have to admit that about three years ago I took Black Cohosh, Vitex, and Progesterone Cream as an attempt at exploring feminization for a month. Thankfully, I grew beyond this with no negative health consequences (at least so I think). What it does mean for me is that I have a lot more to explore in life and for that my life will be richer. That’s it for now
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