URNotAlone

Bleak April

May 5th, 2007 12:47 am MDT

Last month will go down in my mind as one of the worst in a long time. Nothing great happened and it seemed everything I touched blow up in my face. About two-thirds of the way into the month I reached a point of absolute disgust with myself and nearly had a nervous breakdown. Much of this is over a realization of unaddressed issues in my life that I have allowed to hold me back. The biggest of these being failing to replace one of my jobs that I started back in October of 2005.  It quickly became apparent that it was a dud long ago and I made the same mistake I made back in college and promised I would not make again. That was if my gut feeling is that I am barking up the wrong tree, then I had better change the situation. Instead I become delusional to my gut feeling and try to take pride in my attempt and expect things to improve with time. After much arguing with myself in one of my semi-psychotic episodes, I concluded that my main problem is a lack of passion...Then again, why am I even trying to explain all of this!!!!!!! To make a long story short, I concluded that yes I f*cked up and I f*cked up again by letting things play out (and snowball) not in my best interest. That saved me 5000 words!!! So it may be a year late but it is time to take some initiative and make a change. I have identified possible and practical replacements so its time to act. 2006 was a year of stagnation and I set a goal for 2007 to be a year for reinvention. I also began to question whether getting involved with URNA was really something I should be doing at this point in my life.  I concluded that it is actually a very positive part to my life and fits into my reinvention.  I set a lofty financial goal for myself and have stepped back just a bit.  Instead of worrying about the dollar amount I am more interested in the means to the end. So even if things take the rest of the year to pan out, as long as I have the means to the dollar amount for 2008 in hand by the end of the year, I have won.  Hopefully the next journal post will be a positive result. I think it is time to put this to rest. There is just too much to write about that was wrong with April and it is just too depressing.  I really need to find something better to write about in the future.

P.S. - To anyone who I communicated with in the past month, you have no idea what a help you have been.