Tina
"Alive."
Journal Entries for Tina
One step foward too many back
October 7th, 2008 4:10 pm MDT
Sigh... Just as it looks like things are working out. All hell breaks loose. Begining to wonder what type of crap must have done in a past life to have everything that happened occured. Due to events beyond my control had to tell family about tina. Now the safty net i could allways count on is not there. Was a case i needed that net this past week and was politly told no. The wife's surgery did not go all that well, this included a few nights stay in ICU. Can tell hormones are effecting me, will be hard to pass as male soon. But no where near ready for work to find out. Bottom line at the point not sure if could ever go foward, $$ and everything. But also know if i do not transation nothing good will happen.
Moving
September 20th, 2008 1:03 am MDT
Yes another move. This time to get away from an abuser. And he still tring to contact us! Biggest news if wife going in for surgery next week. This is very serious and have over a 6% fatality rate. So cannot sleep, and all my thoughts and prays are with her at the moment. Will let everyone know what happens. All this makes transitions stuff seem very very minor
Summers allmost over
August 25th, 2008 6:27 pm MDT
Well manage to get past another summer, and the kids will be headed to the school buses again. Time does not stand still as much as we all wish it. On hormones so much breast allways feel a bit tender, and oddly my moods have settled down from what they where. Mostly things are the same as before. Took a few steps foward a step back. Will write more once the muse strikes me again. For now drawing a blank
What next?
July 14th, 2008 3:09 pm MDT
OK, i knew this was going to be hard when i started this road. Just does not make it any easier when things go wrong. Have a Birthday comming up and i am totaly dreading it. Because with have to deal with family who has let it be known i am making a huge mistake. Most of my life they have been the safty net, so know on the high wire without the net. Also since i been so busy have lost track of so many people, this weekend came from a suport group where felt like a stranger. So where does one go to make friends? Allways been a problem for me, and changing genders does not help. Far from a bar person, so tend not to hang out there. There is the online world but most tend to be away from me, or the ones that wish to meet well want to do something physical. Sure there are many like me that you see at a party hiding by the wall. You have to know me for a while, for me to feel safe to come out of my shell. Sadly this sometimes has the appearnce of being aluft. Does not help that all the mental anguest is causing me to physicaly get sick. (If you do not think one can effect the other that is a major mistake) Anyway figure this too will pass, but the question is when and where.
HNG
June 29th, 2008 2:58 pm MDT
For those of you who do not understand the term HNG = horny net geeks. If you spend any time online you ran across them. Was going to rant about admirers, but sure there might be some true ones out there. But the HNG outnumber everyone, incluing us. For the newcommers out there, sex as a woman will change you world. It is worse than crack. It different for eveyone, but for me the only time sex made sense. Before it was kindof like an out of body experence. But why does something so magical mean you have to keep your guard up? Because of the HNG, all they are doing is to get their rocks off and the do not care who the mess up to get there. They also no grrls just coming out are the most willing. Right now if run across someone they will have to agree to meet somewhere in public, and will not agree to do anything. After all since i am a woman in mind and tring to become one in body,i will demand to be treated as such.
Pronouns
June 28th, 2008 6:57 am MDT
OK Flying without spell check again. Topic is pronouns. This is a sticky point for all transsexuals, because most of the outside world is totaly confused on the proper pronoun to use. How many newspaper stories have you read talk about a Male to Female transsexual and allways refer to the person as HE? For some reason the incorrect use of pronouns just get to me. i know many in my family will use the masculen gender because at this point in time they cannot deal with my status. That i can understand, do not realy like it but understand. It taken a while but my wife now uses a gender nurtal term so she can use it no mater what. But in any type of online statements she allways refers to me as a wife. But what gets me the most is the use of both terms together, IE Male/female. As if there are two people. While this might be true of some transgender it is not true of transsexuals. i am not two people but one! i will execpt gruging the male pronoun only because not full time, but prefer the female one. It at the point where i avoid the public restroom unless it is one for both men and woman. Finaly it compley makes my day if while in drap mode someone Maams me. It happening more and more now. Bottom line when in doubt over pronouns ask, but will assume most prefer the use of the pronoun that reflets the gender they perceve themselves
More Real Life Stuff
June 26th, 2008 5:56 pm MDT
OK, it been a while since I added something. Real life been kicking my ass in the past few months. Tried to escape it by immersing myself in Second Life, but that only goes so far. One cannot run away from the problems all the time. Yet another anniversary of my daughter's death and what would have been another Birth Day as come and passed. No mater what you try and do time marches on, and you can never go back to the way things were. It moves forward never backwards. The same is true with transition, while I expected some of the results, it still does not make things easy when it hits you in the face. One of the basic cores to my being is that yourself means nothing, but it the family that means everything. When one member is down everyone else rallies behind the other in a time of need. Cannot tell you how many times that has saved me. Since I am now on hormones ended up having to tell all my siblings and parents. My sibs had no problem, it was my parents. At they figured had a fatal disease but in the end told them I was a transsexual. Now have the feeling they wished had a fatal illness. Keep getting told making a major mistake, and I am rushing into this. Now the relationship between us is stranded to say the least. Figure everyone will come around just will take a year or so. If not for the love of my wife and son, not sure where I would be. Another detail I am truly ashamed about, if figured someone I know was just a complete and total ass. Since found out they cannot help it and now wish they get the help they need. Because everyone deserves to be happy. How I failed to see this before have not clue, guess was too immersed in my own self pity. Will warn everyone going on hormones is not a cure all, nor did I expect it to be. It is a nice feeling and seeing the changes to me, and become what I know I am is totally overwhelming at times. Like most transgenders always wanted to end it all, and if it would not effect anyone else would have done that a long long time ago. Know I am very lucky since have a supportive spouse who totally loves me. Even when she is deeply in grief still manages to push that aside to show she cares. There are many people that lose everything in this process. What if that happens to me? While best not to dwell on the negative. It an important topic. As stated before if was just to for myself, and everyone left me alone would I do something stupid. In time that is looking at the past and now. Forgetting a very important part the future. All my life heard what cannot be done and why and I went ahead and did it. Transsexualism is just another impossibility to make possible. In the grand seem of things, it very important to finish this. Not just for me, but for someone in the future. That is totally unsure of herself and her gender. Feeling the dread and thinking it is overwhelming. But seeing that someone has manage to overcome gives them hope. It is the future hope that should drive all of us to be who we are.
On hormones
March 8th, 2008 3:43 pm MST
OK finaly on hormones or at least part of them. Still waiting on blood test and everything else. One thing that should not be a shock to people is my testonone levels are low. (Who have figured) Also my FSH levels are on the very low side. So they wish to run a few more test and figure out what to do from there. So far it been a week, and why have not my boobies grown? :) Yeah i know it will take a bit longer than that.
Dramtic Month
March 1st, 2008 12:31 pm MST
I know it been a while since I updated the journal. Had my mind on many things. And have not been sleeping well at all. Overall would state stress level for me this month has been a 999 out of a 1000 point scale. But overall things went well. But that is the reason why I seam to drop off the face of the earth. Lets start with the bad and ugly. I went to a local event for a dear friends party who is getting her SRS wow now it must be a weeks time. Anyway she and her friend talk me into going on the dance floor. Just before I could go out there, had a very strong emotional feeling come over me. For those that do not know I lost my daughter nearly 3 years ago, and I have never been much of a dancer. Well you might have guessed it the my daughter was the last one who managed to get me out on the dance floor. The grief was so overwelling I just had to sit back down. Work has been stressfull as well, but that nothing new. At least it something I have control over. It things I do not have control over that scare the crap out of me. And many things this month occured.Now for the good news, I start hormones Monday. YEAH!!!!! But as a result ended up telling a lot of family members. Oddly my wife's family all took it in stride, with no negative feelings. This includes her far right Christian sisters. As they told me "You are still one of God's childern. It what is in your heart that counts." Now if more "Christians" had that same feeling. Than came time to tell one of the peole I was dreading breaking the news to. My sibs, and their spouses. One of my sister's allready knew, but it was so important for me that my older brother and his wife was suportive. I was allready planing to walk away from family, and other very important things to me if that is what it took to become Tina. So when the time came, was very suprized by the reaction. It was basicly a non-issue. "Male or Female you are still my sibling, and I will allways have your back." Well that did it for me, all the pent up emotions came out. We then spent over 30 mintues talking about other issues that need to be taken care of. Transsexualism was not part of it. Next step is to tell my parents, and we are allready forming a plan how to do this. When I come out to parents, all my siblings and their spouses plan to be there to form a united front. Sure there will be fall out from some outlining family members, but so far so good. Will be another month or so of dealing with major issues. But overall things look good.
Friendships
January 3rd, 2008 5:37 pm MST
What is it about transgenders that make us push people away? Could it be the fact most of our lives we grow up feeling confused about ourselves, and instead of allowing someone to hurt us. We push back or worse yet not allow anyone to get close to us as well? Think this is true before we are about to preform some metamoris. Know the coming year will be ment with many changes and chalanges. But for some reason finding myself very calm and wanting to take them all on. Would like to thank my friends who allowed me the space i needed in the past few months but at the same time let me know they were there for me.Since it is now 2008, guess it is time to update my old photo.
Nonexistence
December 28th, 2007 6:32 pm MST
As you might guess this is going to be another one of the darker entries. Like most tgs tend to have a bit of a suicidal streak to myself. Do not worry, would never do that. Do not want my parents to know the feeling of what it is like to lose a child. Trust me on this, it is not something you want to wish on your worst enemy. So that leaves out suicide, too much fall out if you did that. Would be much better for nonexistence. But that not going to happen, no mater how hard you pray. Think that is what I wished for every night going to bed since from age of 5 too mid 20s. It was at that time decided to confront Tina, and embase her. So this leaves just dealing with life. This is also the reason why I found I tend not to grief the same as others. Outside of my daughter, cannot recall a furneal where I cried. Mostly because I always felt the deceased where the lucky ones, they left this life and moved on to better things. Now that I am older figure out not everyone has the same feel of despair. One final thought, to give you an idea what I was like as a child. In Kindergarten the teacher asked all the kids what their favorite colors. I was the last one called, and my answer was a bit of a shock to the teacher. I picked black, when asked for a reason. I replied, “No one else picked black. So I figure black was lonely”
Xmas
December 25th, 2007 8:53 am MST
First off, hope everyone is having a wonderfull Xmas. Just finished off the Xmas eve, and will soon be doing Xmas with other family members. Overall was a good Christmas, the frist one without my kids around. Does that feel strange, and very un Christmas like. Gave my sister the the "Trueselves book" as per her request. But outside the family structure. Guess you can say ran the gambit from happy to totaly sad. While my brother means well, and i am totaly gratefull. Each Christmas he lights the candle for my wonderful daugter it tears me up inside. This year took us nearly 15 minutes to stop crying. Anyway need to run and do more Xmas stuff. Bottom line is all the kids seam to have fun and after all is that not what Chirstmas should be about?
Various mussings
December 22nd, 2007 9:29 pm MST
OK so this is my first entry in urnotalone. Hopefully will not be the last. Had a very frustrating day that ended up on a beter note by chatting with a few new friends on urnotalone. In fact see where have to friends link to me but for the devil of it. Cannot figure out how to add friends. Oh well a nights sleep will help out. Why i am so flustered? Well could it be chatting with someone clueless that thinks a hard limit is something that is to ignore or force someone to do something because "you want it anyhow"?!?! Or someone that claims to know all about transsexualism or dealing with transsexuals, but is clueless to the term SRS? Or could it be due to the fact this might be the last Christmas will spend with family due to Tina coming out to family members next year? Or is it just my time of the month, and i am not on hormones yet? Anyway who fully knows? Anyway i plan to write in here my thoughts and happening during my transtion. Doubt many will read this, but hopefull some insites will help another TS/TG in the future. There will be some private thoughts that once i figure out how to keep things pvt i will place on here.Another note, while this journal may appear dark, sure that will be due to fact plan to use urnotalone as a place to vent. Beats screaming or doing something else stupid.Anyway this concludes the mussings for Dec 22, 2007. Hope all is well in your part of the world
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