URNotAlone

More Real Life Stuff

June 26th, 2008 5:56 pm MDT

OK, it been a while since I added something. Real life been kicking my ass in the past few months. Tried to escape it by immersing myself in Second Life, but that only goes so far. One cannot run away from the problems all the time. Yet another anniversary of my daughter's death and what would have been another Birth Day as come and passed. No mater what you try and do time marches on, and you can never go back to the way things were. It moves forward never backwards. The same is true with transition, while I expected some of the results, it still does not make things easy when it hits you in the face.
 
One of the basic cores to my being is that yourself means nothing, but it the family that means everything. When one member is down everyone else rallies behind the other in a time of need. Cannot tell you how many times that has saved me. Since I am now on hormones ended up having to tell all my siblings and parents. My sibs had no problem, it was my parents. At they figured had a fatal disease but in the end told them I was a transsexual. Now have the feeling they wished had a fatal illness. Keep getting told making a major mistake, and I am rushing into this. Now the relationship between us is stranded to say the least. Figure everyone will come around just will take a year or so. If not for the love of my wife and son, not sure where I would be.
 
Another detail I am truly ashamed about, if figured someone I know was just a complete and total ass. Since found out they cannot help it and now wish they get the help they need. Because everyone deserves to be happy. How I failed to see this before have not clue, guess was too immersed in my own self pity.
 
Will warn everyone going on hormones is not a cure all, nor did I expect it to be. It is a nice feeling and seeing the changes to me, and become what I know I am is totally overwhelming at times. Like most transgenders always wanted to end it all, and if it would not effect anyone else would have done that a long long time ago. Know I am very lucky since have a supportive spouse who totally loves me. Even when she is deeply in grief still manages to push that aside to show she cares. There are many people that lose everything in this process. What if that happens to me? While best not to dwell on the negative. It an important topic. As stated before if was just to for myself, and everyone left me alone would I do something stupid. In time that is looking at the past and now. Forgetting a very important part the future. All my life heard what cannot be done and why and I went ahead and did it. Transsexualism is just another impossibility to make possible. In the grand seem of things, it very important to finish this. Not just for me, but for someone in the future. That is totally unsure of herself and her gender. Feeling the dread and thinking it is overwhelming. But seeing that someone has manage to overcome gives them hope. It is the future hope that should drive all of us to be who we are.